Prophet Muhammad (salAllahu alayhi wasalam) personifies the roles of perfect father and husband. He
was so kind and tolerant with his wives that they could not envisage
their lives without him, nor did they want to live away from him. He
married Sawdah, his second wife, while in Makkah. After a while, he
wanted to divorce her for certain reasons. She was extremely upset at
this news and implored him, "O Messenger of Allah, I wish no worldly
thing of you. I will sacrifice the time allocated to me if you don't
want to visit me. But please don't deprive me of being your wife. I want
to go to the hereafter as your wife. I care for nothing else" Separation Calamity Most Beloved Consultation Two Halves This World or the Next Mothers of the Believers The Manners of the Husband Etiquettes of the Husband
[Muslim].
The Messenger (salAllahu alayhi wasalam) did not divorce her, nor did he stop visiting her. Once he
noticed that Hafsah was uncomfortable over their financial situation.
"If she wishes, I may set her free," he said, or something to that
effect. This suggestion so alarmed her that she requested mediators to
persuade him not to do so. He kept his faithful friend's daughter as his
trusted wife.
All of his wives viewed separation from the Messenger of Allah as a
calamity, so firmly had he established himself in their hearts. They
were completely at one with him. They shared in his blessed, mild, and
natural life. If he had left them, they would have died of despair. If
he had divorced one of them, she would have waited at his doorstep until
the Last Day.
After his death, there was much yearning and a great deal of grief. Abu
Bakr and Umar found the Messenger's wives weeping whenever they visited
them. Their weeping seemed to continue for the rest of their lives.
Muhammad left an everlasting impression on everyone. At one point, he
had nine wives and dealt equally with all of them and without any
serious problems. He was a kind and gentle husband, and never behaved
harshly or rudely. In short, he was the perfect husband.
Each of his wives thought that she was his most beloved. A few days
before his death, he said, "A servant has been allowed to choose this
world or his Lord. He chose his Lord" [sahih all-Bukhari]. Abu Bakr,
intelligent and smart, began to cry, understanding that the Prophet was
talking about himself. His illness got worse daily, and his severe
headache caused him to writhe in pain. But even during this difficult
period, he continued to treat his wives with kindness and gentleness. He
asked for permission to stay in one room, as he had no strength to visit
them one by one. His wives agreed, and the Messenger spent his last days
in A'isha's room.
Each wife, because of his generosity and kindness, thought she was his
most beloved. The idea that any man could show complete equality and
fairness in his relationships with nine women seems impossible. For this
reason, the Messenger of Allah asked God's pardon for any unintentional
leanings. He would pray, "I may have unintentionally shown more love to
one of them than the others, and this would be injustice. So, O Lord, I
take refuge in Your grace for those things beyond my power"
[At-Tirmidhi].
What gentleness and sensitivity! I wonder if anyone else could show such
kindness to his children or spouses. When people manage to cover up
their lower inborn tendencies, it is as if they have done something very
clever and shown tremendous willpower. But they sometimes expose these
very defects unconsciously while bragging of their cleverness. The
Messenger, despite showing no fault, sought only God's forgiveness. His
gentleness penetrated his wives' souls so deeply that his departure led
to what they must have felt to be an unbridgeable separation. They did
not commit suicide, as Islam forbids it, but their lives now became full
of endless sorrow and ceaseless tears.
The Messenger was kind and gentle to all women, and advised all other
men to follow him in this regard. Sa`d ibn Abi Waqqas described his
kindness as follows:
Umar (radiAllahu anhu) said: One day I went to the Prophet and saw him smiling. "May God
make you smile forever, O Messenger of God," I said, and asked why he
was smiling. "I smile at those women. They were chatting in front of me
before you came. When they heard your voice, they all vanished," he
answered still smiling. On hearing this answer, I raised my voice and
told them, "O enemies of your own selves, you are scared of me, but you
are not scared of the Messenger of God, and you don't show respect to
him." "You are hard-hearted and strict," they replied.
[sahih al-Bukhari]
The Messenger discussed matters with his wives as friends. Umar also
was gentle to women. However, the most handsome man looks ugly when
compared to Yusuf (Joseph)'s beauty. Likewise, Umar's gentleness and
sensitivity seem like violence and severity when compared to those of
the Prophet. The women had seen the Messenger's gentleness, sensitivity,
and kindness, and so regarded Umar as strict and severe. Yet `Umar
shouldered the caliphate perfectly and became one of the greatest
examples after the Prophet. He was a just ruler and strove to
distinguish right from wrong. His qualities enabled him to be caliph.
Some of his qualities might seem rather severe; however, those very
qualities enabled him to shoulder very demanding responsibilities.
The Prophet (salAllahu alayhi wasalam) did consult with his wives. The Messenger discussed matters
with his wives as friends. Certainly he did not need their advice, since
he was directed by revelation. However, he wanted to teach his nation
that Muslim men were to give women every consideration. This was quite a
radical idea in his time, as it is today in many parts of the world. He
began teaching his people through his own relationship with his wives.
For example, the conditions laid down in the Treaty of Hudaybiyah
disappointed and enraged many Muslims, for one condition stipulated that
they could not make the pilgrimage that year. They wanted to reject the
treaty, continue on to Makkah, and face the possible consequences. But
the Messenger ordered them to slaughter their sacrificial animals and
take off their pilgrim attire. Some Companions hesitated, hoping that he
would change his mind. He repeated his order, but they continued to
hesitate. They did not oppose him; rather, they still hoped he might
change his mind, for they had set out with the intention of pilgrimage
and did not want to stop half way.
Noticing this reluctance, the Prophet returned to his tent and asked Umm
Salamah, his wife accompanying him at that time, what she thought of the
situation. So she told him, fully aware that he did not need her advice.
In doing this, he taught Muslim men an important social lesson: There is
nothing wrong with exchanging ideas with women on important matters, or
on any matters at all.
She said, "O Messenger of God, don't repeat your order. They may resist
and thereby perish. Slaughter your sacrificial animal and change out of
your pilgrim attire. They will obey you, willingly or not, when they see
that your order is final"
[sahih al-Bukhari].
He immediately took a knife in his hand, went outside, and began to
slaughter his sheep. The Companions began to do the same, for now it was
clear that his order would not be changed.
The Messenger encouraged us through his enlightening example to behave
kindly with women. Counsel and consultation, like every good deed, were
practiced by God's Messenger first within his own family and then in the
wider community. Even today, we understand so little about his
relationships with his wives that it is as if we are wandering aimlessly
around a plot of land, unaware of the vast treasure buried below our
feet.
Women are secondary beings in the minds of many, including those
self-appointed defenders of women's rights as well as many
self-proclaimed Muslim men. In Islam, a woman is part of a whole, a part
that renders the other half useful. We believe that when the two halves
come together, the true unity of a human being appears. When this unity
does not exist, humanity does not exist - nor can prophethood,
sainthood, or even Islam.
Our Prophet encouraged us through his enlightening words to behave
kindly to women. He declared, "The most perfect believers are the best
in character, and the best of you are the kindest to their families"
[abu Dawud and at-Tirmidhi]. It is clear that women have received the
true honor and respect they deserve, not just in theory but in actual
practice, only once in history during the period of Prophet
Muhammad (salAllahu alayhi wasalam).
The wives of the Messenger were given the choice of remaining with him
or leaving:
[O Prophet, say to your wives: "If you desire the life of this world and
its glitter, then come! I will provide for your enjoyment and set you
free in a handsome manner. But if you seek God, His Messenger, and the
Home of the Hereafter, verily God has prepared for you, the well-doers
among you, a great reward."]
[surah al-Ahzab, 33:29]
A few of his wives who wanted a more prosperous life asked, "Couldn't we
live a little more luxuriously, like other Muslims do? Couldn't we have
at least a bowl of soup every day, or some prettier garments?" At first
sight, such wishes might be considered fair and just. However, they were
members of the family that was to be an example for all Muslim families
until the Last Day.
The Messenger reacted by going into retreat. The news spread, and
everyone rushed to the mosque and began to cry. The smallest grief felt
by their beloved Messenger was enough to bring them all to tears, and
even the smallest incident in his life would disturb them. Abu Bakr and
Umar, seeing the event in a different light as their daughters were
directly involved, rushed to the mosque. They wanted to see him, but he
would not leave his retreat. Eventually, on their third attempt, they
gained entry and began to rebuke their daughters. The Messenger saw what
was happening, but only said, "I cannot afford what they want" (Muslim).
The Qur'an declared [O wives of the Prophet! You are not like any other
women]
[surah al-Ahzab, 33:32].
Others might save themselves by simply fulfilling their obligations, but
those who were at the very center of Islam had to devote themselves
fully so that no weakness would appear at the center. There were
advantages in being the Prophet's wives, but these advantages brought
responsibilities and potential risks. The Messenger was preparing them
as exemplars for all present and future Muslim women. He was especially
worried that they might enjoy the reward for their good deeds in this
world and thereby be included in [You have exhausted your share of the
good things in your life of the world and sought comfort in
them] [surah al-Ahqaf, 46:20]. Life in the Prophet's house was uncomfortable.
For this reason, either explicitly or implicitly, his wives made some
modest demands. As their status was unique, they were not expected to
enjoy themselves in a worldly sense.
Some godly people laugh only a few times during their lives; others
never fill their stomachs. For example, Fudayl ibn `Iyad (R) never
laughed. He smiled only once, and those who saw him do so asked him why
he smiled, for they were greatly surprised. He told them, "Today I
learned that my son `Ali died. I was happy to hear that God had loved
him, and so I smiled" (Abu Nu`aym, Hilyat al-Awliya'). If there were
such people outside of the Prophet's household, his wives, who were even
more pious and respectful of God and regarded as Mothers of the
Believers, would certainly be of a higher degree.
It is not easy to merit being together with the Messenger in this world
and the hereafter. Thus, these special women were put to a great test.
The Messenger allowed them to choose his poor home or the world's
luxury. If they chose the world, he would give them whatever they wanted
and then dissolve his marriage with them. If they chose God and His
Messenger, they had to be content with their lives. This was a
peculiarity of his family. Since this family was unique, its members had
to be unique. The head of the family was chosen, as were the wives and
children.
The Messenger first called A'isha and said, "I want to discuss
something with you. You'd better talk with your parents before making a
decision." Then he recited the verses mentioned above. Her decision was
exactly as expected from a truthful daughter of a truthful father: "O
Messenger of Allah, do I need to talk with my parents? By Allah, I
choose Allah and His Messenger"
[Muslim].
A'isha herself tells us what happened next: "The Messenger received
the same answer from all his wives. No one expressed a different
opinion. They all said what I had said." They did so because they were
all at one with the Messenger. They could not differ. If the Messenger
had told them to fast for a lifetime without break, they would have done
so and endured it with pleasure. However, they endured hardship until
their deaths.
Some of his wives had enjoyed an extravagant lifestyle before their
marriage to him. One of these was Safiyyah, who had lost her father and
husband and had been taken prisoner during the Battle of Khaybar. She
must have been very angry with the Messenger, but when she saw him, her
feelings changed completely. She endured the same destiny as the other
wives. They endured it because love of the Messenger had penetrated
their hearts.
The Messenger was the perfect head of a family. Safiyyah was a Jew.
Once, she was dismayed when this fact was mentioned to her
sarcastically. She informed the Messenger, expressing her sadness. He
comforted her saying, "If they repeat it, tell them, 'My father is
Prophet Aaron, my uncle is Prophet Moses, and my husband is, as you see,
Prophet Muhammad, the Chosen One. What do you have more than me to be
proud of?'"
The Qur'an declares that his wives are the Mothers of the Believers
[surah al-Ahzab, 33:6]. Although 14 centuries have passed, we still feel
delight in saying "my mother" when referring to Khadijah, A'isha, Umm
Salamah, Hafsah, and his other wives. We feel this because of him. Some
feel more love for these women than they do for their real mothers.
Certainly, this feeling must have been deeper, warmer, and stronger in
the Prophet's own time.
The Messenger was the perfect head of a family. Managing many women with
ease, being a lover of their hearts, an instructor of their minds, an
educator of their souls, he never neglected the affairs of the nation or
compromised his duties.
The Messenger excelled in every area of life. People should not compare
him to themselves or to the so-called great personalities of their age.
Researchers should look at him, the one to whom angels are grateful,
always remembering that he excelled in every way. If they want to look
for Muhammad they must search for him in his own dimensions. Our
imaginations cannot reach him, for we do not even know how to imagine
properly. God bestowed upon him, as His special favor, superiority in
every field.
The family is that brick which forms the foundation of a society. It is
composed of individuals that have permanent relations established
between them. Most importantly, it possesses almost a majority of the
different kinds of personal relations. Because of this, there must be
certain etiquettes placed in order to control and regulate these
relations. This is such that it can be maintained in the best possible
manner, and so that it can generate and produce its proper fruits.
Family relations consist of the relationship between the spouses from
one perspective, the relationship between the parents and the children
from a second perspective, and the relationship between the children
themselves from a third perspective.
It is not from the deficiencies, but rather from good manners, that the
husband shares in the responsibility of specified matters, such as the
mending of garments or what is similar to that.
It is appropriate for a man to not restrict himself from serving
himself. This is since the wife takes care of the household affairs. So
therefore, it is from good manners that the husband extend a helping
hand to his wife in the house, during times of necessity, such as when
she is sick, pregnant, has given birth or similar to that.
The exemplary husband is he who cooperates with his wife by bearing good
relations and showing kind manners (to her), according to the full
extent of the meaning contained in these (last) two expressions. Truly,
the husbands who are best at working alongside their wives are the best
of mankind in the view of Islam. This good way of living between the
spouses must be deeply imbedded into the daily marital life, even at the
time of divorce.
Beware of characterizing the relationship between the spouses with
over-seriousness! For indeed characterizing the family life with a
militaristic nature amounts to one of the causes for failure and bad
results.
From the kind and noble manners of the husband is that he complies and
assents to the requests of his wife, so long as they are not forbidden
in the Religion. And being luxurious in food, drink and clothing is at
the entrance of matters forbidden in the Religion.
The husband should specify a time in which he can play around and pass
free time with his wife.
The relationship between the spouses must contain one singular and
specific nature. And it cannot be this way unless the couple begins
demolishing all the obstacles and impediments that stand between them.
For example, the husband should not feel timid and restrain himself from
drinking out of the same cup that his wife drinks out of.
There is no human being that is perfect. So there is no doubt that the
husband will see things in his wife that does not comply with his
natural disposition and preferences. If these aspects are not in
opposition to the fundaments of the Religion or to the obedience of the
husband and his rights, then at that point, he should not try to change
her personality so that it complies with his natural preference.
And he must always remember that for each member of the couple, there
will be an aspect of ones personality that conflicts with the others
personality. And he should also remember that if there are some
characteristics that he doesn't find pleasing in his wife, then indeed
she has other characteristics, which will definitely be pleasing to him.
Do not let Ramadan be a barrier that impedes you from showing affection
to your wife, such as by kissing her. But this is so long as you are
able to refrain yourself, since what is forbidden during the days of
Ramadaan is only sexual intercourse.
Do not chase after the errors of your wife and recount them to her, for
too much blaming and reprimanding will worsen the relationship between
the two of you, and it will pose a threat to your marital life. So
overlook your wife's easy ability to make mistakes, and make her falling
into them seem like something small.
If you are able, do not hold back from providing your wife with good
clothing and food, and from being generous in spending money on her.
This is of course according to the extent of your ability.
Do not give little importance to implementing the punishment required
for any acts in opposition to the Religion, which your wife has
committed, whether it is in the home or outside it. This should be the
main reason that causes you to become angry, thus no other reason should
affect you (besides this one).
What has been stated previously does not mean that you should leave
matters alone until that result comes to happen. Thus, whenever you
realize that a matter is left alone, weigh it with seriousness and
determination, without being too harsh or rude about it.
The woman is the head of the household, the one responsible for it. So
do not attempt to meddle into affairs that do not fall into your area of
duties and responsibilities, such as the food and the order of the
house.
Beware of scolding your wife or blaming her for a mistake she committed,
in the presence of others, even if they are your own children. For
indeed that is an act that goes against correct behavior and it will
lead to raising anger in the hearts of people.
If you are forced to place punishment upon your wife, then let it be by
staying away from her at bedtime. And do not boycott her except that it
is done within the household. And avoid using foul language, insulting
her, beating her and describing her with repulsive names. For these
matters do not befit an exemplary husband.
Having jealousy and caring about the modesty of your wife is a
praiseworthy thing, which shows your love for her. However it is on the
condition that you do not go to great extremes in this jealousy. For
then at that point, it would turn into something worthy of no praise.
Entering the house: Do not alarm your family by entering upon them
suddenly. Rather, enter while they are aware of it, and greet them with
Salaam. And ask about them and how they are doing. And do not forget to
remember Allah, the Mighty and Sublime, when you enter the house.
Beware of spreading any secrets connected with the intimate encounters
you have with your wife, for that is something restricted and forbidden.
Constantly maintain the cleaning of your mouth and the freshening of
your breath.
Guardianship of your wife doesn't mean that you can exploit what Allah
has bestowed upon you from taking charge of her, such that you harm and
oppress her.
Showing respect and kindness to your wife's family is showing respect
and kindness to her. And this applies even after her death, on the
condition that it is not accompanied by an act forbidden in the
Religion, such as intermingling of the sexes or being in privacy (with
them).
Too much joking will lead to (your family having) little fear (of
disobeying you) and a lack of respect for you. So do not joke too much
with your wife.
Be considerate that fulfilling the conditions which you promised to your
wife during the pre-marriage agreement is a matter possessing the
highest of importance and priority. So do not neglect that after getting
married.
When you lecture your wife or reprimand her or simply speak to her,
choose the kindest and nicest of words and expressions for your speech.
And do not reprimand her in front of others or in front of your
children.
It is not proper for you to ask your wife to look for work outside of
the house or to spend upon you from her wealth.
Do not overburden your wife with acts that she is not able to handle.
Consider, with extreme regard, the environment she was raised up in.
Rural service is not like urban service, and the service of a strong
woman and her preparation for it is not like the service of a weak
woman.
There is nothing in the obligation of a woman's service to her husband
that negates his assisting her in that regard, if he should find the
free time. Rather, this is from the good manners of living between the
spouses.
|
|