Warnings etc in Part 1

It was slow going for Youji, the slight ache in his side from the bullet wound making him awkward on the crutches. He’d been released from the hospital just the day before after having his fractured ankle set and his side stitched up. Youji hadn’t been allowed to see Aya over the two days he’d been held for observation. The nurses had been kind enough to let the blonde know that Aya was still unconscious, though healing.

Youji had gone home for one good night’s sleep in his own bed before rooting Omi out of bed to drive him back down to the hospital. Even if Aya wasn’t conscious, Youji wanted to see him. So Omi had dropped him off with a bag of things for Aya and told Youji to call when he was ready to be picked up.

Using one of the crutches to nudge open the door, Youji let himself into the room the nurses had directed him to. What he saw stopped him in the doorway.

Aya was curled up as much as his injuries would allow against the inclined portion of the bed. He was visibly shaking.

“K’so.” Something was wrong, very wrong for Aya to be, well, crying wasn’t the right word. Youji could hear no noise from the smaller man, just the violent trembling that made him think Aya was having a seizure.

“Aya?” Youji asked as he took another step into the room, letting the door close behind him.

Aya’s head shot up, violet eyes going wide. “No,” he gasped, uncurling and scrabbling into the corner of the bed.

Youji took another step into the room, putting him right next to the bed. He let go of one of his crutches and reached a hand out to Aya, pulling back like he had been burned when Aya flinched and tried to back further away. “Aya, what’s wrong?” He asked gently, trying to calm himself at the same time he tried to get through to his lover.

“Dead. Youji’s dead.” The words were whispered, gasped between great heaving breaths that were going to set Aya hyperventilating in a moment.

“I’m not dead,” Youji said patiently, awkwardly maneuvering so he could ease onto the edge of Aya’s bed. “I’m right here.”

“NO!” Aya shouted weakly when Youji again reached a hand out.

Shit, Youji thought, how the hell am I going to fix this? He sat there for a moment, heart racing as Aya continued to shake just inches away from him, eyes wide with terror and pain.

“Aya,” Youji started softly. “I’m not dead. I’m right here. I was injured, yes, but I’m fine now. Omi got us taken care of, and we’re both going to be fine.”

The redhead still hadn’t stopped shaking, hadn’t begun to relax at all.

“Dammit, Aya. If I was dead do you think I’d choose to revisit you all banged up like this?” Youji waved a hand at his casted ankle. He saw a pale bare foot sticking out of the edge of the blankets. He grabbed it quicker than Aya could move away. “Would I be warm if I was dead, Aya?”

“No,” Aya breathed, in agreement or protest, Youji wasn’t sure. But he was shaking less, the abject terror fading slightly from his eyes. The redhead uncurled slightly, leaning a little bit towards Youji, who was watching expectantly just inches away on the bed.

The blonde used the moment to slowly lean in and press his lips gently against Aya’s, mindful of the stitches along his lower lip. A pale trembling hand rose up next to his face and Youji pulled away, capturing Aya’s hand with his own.

“Would you have felt that, if I was dead?” Youji whispered. He hadn’t kissed Aya in weeks, hadn’t been able to get close to his lover since Aya-chan had died. That one kiss after such a long drought left his body demanding just a little more, but he tamped down his desire. There were bigger things to worry about, more important things.

“Youji?” Aya rasped, sliding his hand out of the loose grasp Youji had on it and raised it to Youji’s face.

Youji’s eyes closed when Aya’s hand touched his face. He choked back the sob he felt rise in his chest. It had been so long since Aya had acknowledged him at all, so long since he had felt his lover’s touch.

“Yes,” Youji breathed as Aya’s hand traced his face lightly.

“Youji, I-”Aya had started to shake slightly again. Youji shifted carefully, bringing his injured leg up on the bed and carefully pulled Aya against him. The red head went willingly into Youji’s arms, and tears joined the sobs as Youji held him tight.

*~*~*

Youji wasn’t dead.

The solid heartbeat under his ear was reassurance of that, loud enough to be heard over Aya’s muffled sobs. Youji wasn’t dead. Youji didn’t hate him. Youji had come back for him.

The tears subsided after a few moments, Aya bringing himself back under some semblance of control. He didn’t pull out of Youji’s arms and the blonde didn’t say anything as Aya rested against him.

Did Youji really love him? Is that what this meant? After all Aya had put Youji through, his lover had still come for him, even after Aya had all but told him he wanted to die. The thought warmed Aya, as much as the presence of Youji had through all those nights.

Maybe it was time to let it go, to let it all go. Aya-chan was dead. Youji was not. Aya-chan had been his past. Dare he believe that Youji could be his future?

It seemed like ages had passed since that evening when Youji had said “I love you”. Words that Aya had never thought he wanted to hear Youji say. But those words had gotten Aya to think, and that may have been what had frightened him the most.

As Aya, he was incapable of loving Youji. He wouldn’t let himself have those feelings, fearing the only led to destruction. But he knew that he cared for the blonde, had wanted to give him more. Maybe he could. Now that Youji had proved that love didn’t always leave him behind, now that Aya-chan had been laid to rest and was at peace, Ran could be reborn.

“Youji-” he started, wondering how to begin. How could he ever begin to apologize for all the things he’d done, for all the words he’d said? He’d hurt Youji in so many ways, but he was here, had been just as stubborn as Ran and wouldn’t be chased away.

Youji had saved his life. No. Youji had saved Ran.

“Thank you,” Ran whispered.

“Aya,” Youji began.

“Ran,” Ran said. “Call me Ran.”

“Ran,” Youji said, testing the name on his tongue. “Why?”

“I killed using my sister’s name to remind me why I did it, to remind me of my reason for joining Kritiker, to keep my need for revenge in my mind.” Ran paused. “Takatori is dead, and now so is my sister. I need to let the name be buried with her, with the past, and move on.”

Ran looked up into Youji’s eyes, suspiciously bright. “I want to be with you,” Ran whispered, the closest he could come to putting his feelings into words. He wanted to try to make things work with Youji, wanted to live with him, love him, be loved by him, retire from the killing business and open a little shop somewhere if they could ever buy themselves free.

And while he was Aya, he couldn’t do that. He needed to let Aya go and let Ran live. Youji deserved better. He deserved better.

Ran went willingly when Youji pulled him close again, pressing his lips to the blonde’s throat. ‘I love you,’ he mouthed silently, weighing the words in his mind and in his mouth, but not daring to say them aloud. He couldn’t, not just yet, but the day would come when he would be able to.

“I know,” Youji whispered.




Part 13 Part 15 (NC-17)



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