Warnings etc in Part 1

Aya woke in stages, first noticing the presence of pain, then the familiar noises and smells of a hospital. Senses he hadn’t experienced since—since his sister died.

It seemed a year since he had viewed her body. He had no clear indication of how much time had passed, how many days since he had told Youji he didn’t want to be alive.

He cracked his eyes open, grateful for the low light in the room. His whole body ached, from head to toe. His chest was covered only with heavy bandages, his left arm held immobile with a sling. Aya shifted his legs and felt fabric move against him; he was in for a long hospital stay if he was dressed in his own clothes rather than a hospital gown. An IV led from his elbow to a stand just behind him.

Aya raised his unbound hand to his lips, feeling the stitches along the bottom of his swollen lower lip. He had bitten through it—when?

He remembered a warehouse, and a man with a knife. He’d bitten through his lip when the man had cut him. The memories rushed back in a torrent, images of his chest bleeding from a star pattern cut into it, of the man pulling his skin away from his body with a maniacal grin on his face.

Aya remembered seeing Youji swing down from the rafters like a superhero in the kids’ manga he used to read. He thought he remembered Youji killing the man who had the knife, but things were fuzzy after a point. One thing that he did remember clearly was the dark stain spreading across Youji’s bare midriff.

Youji had been shot.

Aya’s eyes flew open and he rapidly scanned the room. There was no sign that the blonde had been there. The last time Aya woke up in a hospital there had been a pack of gum and a neat stack of paper and a pencil lying nearby.

The room was empty, except for himself.

He felt his heartbeat speed up, a chill spreading through his body. He tried to remember what had happened, after. He had pieces of memory, of Omi urging Ken to drive faster. He remembered Omi holding him down, pressing something against his chest and crying apologies when Aya moaned in pain.

Omi had fussed over him in the car. Where had Youji been? Aya scanned his patchy memory and had no recollection of Youji’s voice, just Omi pleading with Ken that they were going to “lose both of them,” if they didn’t hurry.

Youji had been bleeding.

Omi had been frantic.

Youji hadn’t spoken in the car.

Ken snapped at Omi.

Youji had been bleeding. Youji was hurt. Youji was bleeding. Youji didn’t speak.

Panic began to take hold of Aya. He felt his body start to shake.

He had told Youji he didn’t want to be alive. He had finally pushed Youji away, and he was never coming back.

Youji was dead. Youji was dead. He killed Youji. Youji had died to save him.

“No,” Aya heard himself say. Youji couldn’t be dead. Youji didn’t want to die, Aya had wanted to die. And now Youji was dead because Aya had wanted him to go away before he got hurt.

I killed Youji.

But I didn’t want to die.

When the guard had trained his gun on Aya’s forehead, and Youji and Ken and Omi came bursting into the room, he realized that he wasn’t alone, not in the way he had feared. His teammates had come for him, hadn’t left him alone. And in that instant, he knew he didn’t want to die, not that way. Not with Youji still mad and Omi worried. He needed to live and make things right with Youji, to try to return the love that Youji gave out so freely.

And now Youji was dead because Aya had wanted to live.

I should have tried harder to make him kill me, Aya thought in despair. It should have been me. Youji deserved to live. It should have been me.

Medication and exhaustion tore at the barriers Aya had put up around his emotions. Aya-chan had been dead for weeks. Youji was dead now because of him. Aya’s whole body was soon vibrating as silent sobs tore through him. He curled in on himself as much as he could, the pain in his chest and shoulder not allowing him much mobility.

Youji is dead and it’s my fault. The words ran through his head in a litany. It should have been me. It should have been me.




Part 12 Part 14



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