BETWEEN
THE LINES
Spring
Communication
By
Mason-Dixon
Authors’ disclaimer: The Sentinel and all related characters are the property of Paramount Pictures and Pet Fly Productions. No copyright infringement intended.
WARNING: This story contains non-sexual,
disciplinary spanking; it is slash and adult in nature.
May Day, the
celebration of spring, new life, rebirth, a new beginning, seems appropriate
some how. Jim and I have had our
arrangement for about two weeks now and nothing much has changed. He is not dragging me home every day at 5
beating me. LOL I guess it's wrong to
say nothing has changed, a lot actually has.
I've changed some. Maybe not
changed so much as I can feel a small change in myself, in my habits. I know it's too soon, and it's not going to
be this smooth, but for right now I'm OK with our arrangement.
Jim suggested that I
might want to e-mail or call two guys he knows in England, Vincent Cade and
Damien St. Clair. According to what Jim
told me at the cabin, they have been involved in a discipline relationship for
years now. I don’t know. I don't know if I could actually admit to
someone that I - Blair Jacob Sandburg, almost Ph.D. and adult - am allowing
someone to make decisions for me, to almost tell me what to do and punish me if
I don't do it. I don't know. Could you admit that to someone? I mean, what if this Damien guy is an angel,
what if he hasn't really been in trouble in years or he was, but only when he
was younger and thinks it's childish and horrible that someone my age would,
could, accept something like this? What
if he thinks I'm weak or just a total screw up or wants Jim to beat me because
I am into pain or something? Oh God....
OK - I need to stop
this train of thought right now before it really gets out of control. Maybe I should write him. I don't know. Maybe it will be helpful.
I wonder if Jim has already talked to them and he is expecting my letter
or call. Maybe it will come totally out
of the blue and he will think I am a total sicko and report me to the
police. Is that against the law? Not here, but maybe in England…
NO - I cannot think
that way. Jim and I have been talking
about trust and this is sort of a lesson in trust. I trust Jim not to have me contact someone who is sick or
wouldn’t understand and make me even more uncomfortable. OK, I will e-mail him. It will be OK. Just to say "hello"; don't want to get into it about
his relationship or mine or anything, just a quick note to say
"hello", yeah. OK, later, I
will e-mail him later. I have to figure
out what I want to say first and how to present myself.
From: Damien
St. Clair (DaytheSaint@whiltshire.uk.com)
To: Blair Sandburg (BJSandburg@home.net)
May
9, 1999 13:13 PST
Hello Blair,
My name is Damien St.
Clair and my life partner is Vincent Cade.
OK - don't hold that against me.
He is truly not that bad. :-) I
know he comes across as this hard ass, tight, anal, strict jerk and you would
be partially right. He is everything
except a jerk. LOL He is also the love
of my life and my partner for over 8 years now.
I understand what you
are going through: I was in your place not that long ago and several nice chaps
helped make my road a little smoother.
It is a difficult journey sometimes, it is hard giving up control,
admitting that you need discipline in your life and allowing it to happen. But, believe me when I say that you will not
regret your decision. My life is so
much better, so much more in control, happier, more fulfilled and just better
because of Vin and our relationship. I
wouldn't change any of it, except maybe to have met him earlier.
Anyway, I don't want
to pressure you. I just wanted to say
"hello", give you my e-mail address and let you know that I would
love to talk to you and that I understand.
I think it would be good for you.
Day
From:
Blair Sandburg (BJSandburg@home.net)
To:
Damien St. Clair
(DaytheSaint@whiltshire.uk.com)
May 9, 1999 19:56 PST
Hello Damien,
Thank you for writing
me, but I don’t really know what to say or ask you. Jim and I are fine. I am
fine with our agreement, I don't think I really will be disciplined much, so I
guess it's not really a thing to discuss.
Thanks for writing and I look forward to meeting you and Vincent the
next time you are in the States.
Blair
From: Damien
St. Clair (DaytheSaint@whiltshire.uk.com)
To: Blair Sandburg (BJSandburg@home.net)
May 11, 1999 12:41 PST
Blair,
I know you got in
trouble the other day for reading Jim's private e-mail, Vin told me. You shouldn't be embarrassed about it. It is perfectly normal to have mixed
feelings about all of this. You were just
spanked for the first time since your agreement, how do you feel?
I remember how I felt
the first time :-) I was in total
shock! LOL Vin had disciplined me a few times before we moved in together and
made it part of our life. But it was
still a surprise the first time he pulled me over his knee, jerked down my
pants and gave me a long, hard spanking for going out with some friends he told
me not to. I remember for about a week,
I moped around and pouted, thinking about what I had gotten myself into, how I
was giving up all of my freedom to some jerk who was telling me who I could go
out with and when I had to be home. I
guess Vin got fed up with my pouting and behavior, so about a week later, he
wrapped me in a blanket, carried me outside and we laid down in the hammock
outside under the stars and talked. He
told me he was tired of my attitude and I could either drop it or we would
forget about the arrangement we had, but he was not going to have me pouting every
time I was punished. I lay there, snug,
safe, and protected in his arms and knew that he was right.
I am not saying that
I enjoy it or go happily along every time I get in trouble. I still pout sometimes, still complain,
still try to get my way out of it. But,
I am also at peace with my decision, with Vin's control and say in my behavior
- most of the time. LOL ;-).
You know Blair, there
is a large supportive network of us. As
I told you, some guys helped me and I've helped other guys. I think you will feel better talking about
it. There is nothing to be ashamed
of. I know what you are going through
and I want to help you.
Day
From:
Blair Sandburg (BJSandburg@home.net)
To:
Damien St. Clair
(DaytheSaint@whiltshire.uk.com)
May 13, 1999 20:32 PST
I don't know what to
say. Yes, I got punished, spanked, by
Jim for reading a private e-mail. I
apologized to him and to Vincent. This is
just all so new to me that I really don't even know what I'm feeling or what to
ask you. It was strange the other day;
getting punished for reading his e-mail.
I was mad about what Vincent wrote about me, I was mad that Jim was
talking to someone about us - about OUR relationship and I got all huffy with
him about that. But then, I told Jim what
I did. He knew or at least suspected
what I had done before I told him, but I confessed it. It was so weird, hearing him tell me to go
into our office and wait for him in the corner. I was mad, afraid, but also sort of calm about it and glad that my
mistake was not going to turn into a big argument with us going to bed -
separately - angry. It was sort of
like, 'ok, I messed up, we are going to address it and then it's going to be
over.' You know what I mean? LOL
I don't even know if I do. :-) You know, even though I was sort of OK with
Jim punishing me, I still had trouble with it.
Just seeing him sitting there, telling me to take off my jeans and lay
over his lap freezes me in my tracks almost.
I get a cold feeling in my stomach and I don’t want it to happen. Can I ask you something? Does that still happen to you - resisting
being punished? Or are you OK with it
now? Does it get easier? I can't imagine that I will ever want Jim to
punish me. Do you?
I'm sorry for asking
so many personal questions and if you don’t feel comfortable answering some of
them or all of them, that is OK, it probably isn't any of my business anyway.
Blair
From: Damien
St. Clair (DaytheSaint@whiltshire.uk.com)
To: Blair Sandburg (BJSandburg@home.net)
May 14, 1999 11:00 PST
Blair,
I know it is hard
right now and I'm not going to lie to you, it's going to be a hard couple of
months. The first couple always are and
then, it does get easier. I think you will
find talking out some of what you are feeling will make it better for you. I know that feeling you are talking about,
the relief that what you did has been found out and is not lurking in the
shadows any more, but also the dread knowing you are going to be punished. It hurts to be disciplined and I don’t know
about you and Jim, ;-) but I'm not into
pain. What you said about being
relieved that there wasn't going to be a fight, that is one of the things I
love the most about being in this type of relationship. Vin and I rarely fight. We still do, but it's not the kick down
dirty fighting that I've done in past relationships. Acts don't get carried over, they are dealt with fairly and
quickly and with unconditional love and forgiveness. I am very proud that you confessed what you did to Jim. That is a huge step in accepting what you
did and accepting this relationship.
When you confessed, you knew you were going to be spanked, you might
have hoped to get out of it, but you knew - deep down that that wasn't going to
happen. I am still learning that, I
occasionally try to get away with stuff with Vin. Take it from the voice of experience, they ALWAYS punish you
harder if they find out on their own. :-) LOL
I am glad you asked
your questions; they are important and common ones. If you ask me something too personal, and I can't imagine what
that would be, I'll tell you. :-) Yes,
I still cry, squirm, ask Vin not to spank me and try to talk my way out of it,
if that's what you mean by resisting.
If you mean, trying to run away or leave, then no, I haven't done that
in awhile. But, even that reaction -
running away - is not uncommon. I have
done it before, and you might too.
Being in a discipline relationship does get easier in time, it becomes
more of the norm and less common as my behavior improves and we are in more
sync with each other. I have asked Vin
to punish me a total of twice in eight years.
Both times, I felt really guilty about something I had done and couldn't
live with that. In those cases, I knew
Vin wouldn't find out and I needed to get it out in the open and I needed to be
punished. That is something that I
*need*, that's not saying you will do that, your needs are different. You might, at some point, ask Jim to spank
you for something you did, you might not.
It just depends on your relationship and your needs.
Can I ask you what
Vin said that got you so mad? I know he
can be pretty straightforward and blunt and I hope you don't think he is rude
or anything.
I hear from Vin that
you guys are definitely coming over to see us in a few months and I can't
wait. Salisbury is a great little
town. The Cathedral is amazing and we
can go visit Stonehenge, which isn't too far.
Vin is heading to bed, so I should go
too. I will talk to you later,
Day
From:
Blair Sandburg (BJSandburg@home.net)
To:
Damien St. Clair
(DaytheSaint@whiltshire.uk.com)
May 15, 1999 18:17 PST
Hi Day,
I can't wait until we
come visit, it's been awhile since I've done much traveling and I miss it. I used to travel a lot with my mom when I
was younger, but since I've meet Jim, I've pretty much settled down. I miss seeing new places all the time,
meeting new people, but I don't miss hotels or bunking down with who ever has
space, living out of suitcases. LOL I
am enjoying have a home - a true, hang pictures up, paint the walls whatever
color you want, home. :-) LOL
I know you say that
the first couple of months are the hardest, but it's been almost a month now
and I don’t' think that much has changed.
Maybe it won't be hard. Jim and
I are equals, we started our relationship that way and that's not going to
change. Plus, I haven't really done
anything against the rules, except that e-mail thing.
You wrote: I think you will find talking out some of
what you are feeling will make it better for you.
Who helped you? How did you find them? Were you embarrassed the fist couple of times you talked?
Jim says the same
thing, about how once you are punished for something, it's over and
forgiven. Is that really true? Does it really work that way? I'm scared that I will manage to do
something so bad that he won't forgive me.
I don't know what that would be, short of maybe cheating on him and I
can't imagine doing that, but it still scares me. Do you ever worry that Vin is just going to decide one day that
you aren't worth the trouble and he wants someone who's perfect and doesn't
need discipline or someone to yank them back over some line when they get out
of control?
You wrote: Can I
ask you what Vin said that got you so mad?
I know he can be pretty straightforward and blunt and I hope you don't
think he is rude or anything.
:-) I opened up his e-mail to Jim and the first thing that set me off was that it even existed! LOL The only thing I could think of was that my lover, my partner, was talking to a complete stranger about me!! About something private in our relationship! And, something that is embarrassing to me. I mean, I barely knew you guys and here Jim is telling some guy how I need to get my butt spanked to make sure I don't misbehave. I was so worried about how that would make me look in your eyes. Then, Vin is telling Jim to keep me on a short leash and not to put away his paddle anytime soon and to be firm with me and he called me a brat. :-( I am NOT a brat!
The next morning
after I read that e-mail, we lay together in bed and talked about what he
wrote. Jim explained to me that he
didn't see me as a pet or anything. Something I threw in his face after the
"short leash" comment and that "brat" is a loving term and
not meant to be mean or nasty, just sort of a pet name for, I guess,
disciplinees. LOL We talked about how
he and no one involved in this type of relationship would see me as being weak,
just because I am being punished occasionally.
That was one thing that stung the most about that e-mail - you thinking
I was weak or childish or less of a man or something.
I want to thank you,
Day, for reaching out to me. Vin and
Jim both suggested that I talk to you, and I was trying to get my courage up,
but it was hard. I know this is right
for our relationship, but it is hard and just takes some getting used to, I
guess. I am having trouble finding the
words for what I'm feeling. I can't
explain it. LOL I hope you understand.
I need to run, dinner
to cook, but I will talk to you later,
B.
From: Damien
St. Clair (DaytheSaint@whiltshire.uk.com)
To: Blair Sandburg (BJSandburg@home.net)
May 17, 1999 09:41 PST
Hi B
You will love
Salisbury. It's a cute little
town. The Cathedral is amazing and
Stonehenge is not that far. LOL When
you are here, we should go up one night if there are any druid holidays around
then. They close the site during the
major ones, but it's easy to just walk up to and avoid the main road. I know what you mean about traveling. My dad was an American and my mom was
British and even before I came over here to go to school, we were back and
forth and all over with my dad's work.
<< Jim and I are equals, we started our relationship that way and that's not going to change.>>
Yeah, so? :-) Vin and I are equals. Allowing one person to have some control
over your behavior does not make you any less equal unless you allow it
too. I am independent, have my own
opinion and have no fear about voicing it. I can honestly say that Vin has
never punished me for disagreeing with him, as long as behavior is within the
rules that *we* agreed to. Vin and I
may not have started out as equals, but since we have been lovers, it has been
a 50/50 relationship.
<< Who helped you? How did you find them? Were you embarrassed fist couple of times you talked?>>
Vin had several
friends who were involved in similar relationships. Vin himself had been in a discipline relationship when he was
younger and was still in contact with his old partner. The first couple of times we got together, I
barely spoke. I was embarrassed that
all of the guys we were with knew that I was getting my butt spanked when I
misbehaved. But then, the three
"brats" - for lack of a better term invited me out, each one told me
about their lives and their different agreements and I was a lot more
comfortable. It just sort of dawned on
me that it really didn’t matter if they knew or not, they accepted the
arrangement, understood the benefits and fully supported it.
<< Do you ever worry that Vin is just going to decide one day that you aren't worth the trouble and he wants someone who's perfect and doesn't need discipline or someone to yank them back over some line when they get out of control?>>
No, Vin knows who I
am, what I need right now and he accepts that.
Jim is the same way. I can't
imagine him getting into a relationship like this if he didn't see it for
life. I think that everyone wants, at
least some of the time, to give up control, to know exactly where the
boundaries are and how to act. It gives
you the freedom, at least for me, to find out exactly who I am and find out
different things about myself. I think
you will find that. Do you ever feel
like you are performing for the world?
That you have to be a certain way or act a certain way otherwise
something will happen?
I understand your
anger over Vin's comments. He wrote
them for Jim, knowing Jim would know exactly what he meant. Not for you :-) Vin occasionally puts me on a short leash if he feels I am really
getting out of control. A few months of
tight rules, strict discipline, and not a lot of slack gets me back to where I
think I should be. I think that is
something you and Jim are going to be going through. He is going to be strict with you, he is going to be firm. You are going to have to readjust your boundaries
and behavior and expectations and that is not easy, but you'll get through it.
I'm glad you are
happy and getting stuff from our conversations. I'm enjoying them too.
Vin just got home and
says "hello" and I have to get off.
I am only supposed to be on the computer for a couple of hours a day and
I am quickly approaching my time limit.
I have been in enough trouble this week already. I swear to you, Vin can be such a stickler
for rules and stuff.
Day
From:
Blair Sandburg (BJSandburg@home.net)
To:
Damien St. Clair
(DaytheSaint@whiltshire.uk.com)
May 17, 1999 21:17 PST
Hi!
I hope you didn't get
into any trouble about e-mailing me this morning. Jim threatened to take my computer because I was up working late
on something for school a few days ago
I would love to visit
Stonehenge, if possible, during a holiday.
The Druids and their followers are such an old religion and culture, so
much history with them. Did you know that
some people believe that Christ, during his missing years, traveled to England
and met with the druids and took some of his teachings from them?
You wrote: Vin
and I are equals. Allowing one person
to have some control over your behavior does not make you any less equal unless
you allow it too.
That is what I'm working through right now. It's like intellectually I understand that, but emotionally - I'm still working on it.
You wrote: Vin and
I may not have started out as equals, but since we have been lovers, it has
been a 50/50 relationship.
That is pretty cool
that you have such a supportive network of friends. I don't have that, no one knows about this, except you. I can't
imagine everyone knowing about my agreement with Jim though. Do you think, maybe, if it's not a problem,
I can meet your friends? If they don’t
want to, it's not a problem.
You wrote: I
think that everyone wants, at least some of the time, to give up control, to
know exactly where the boundaries are and how to act. It gives you the freedom, at least for me, to find out exactly
who I am and find out different things about myself. I think you will find that.
Do you ever feel like you are performing for the world? That you have to be a certain way or act a
certain way other wise something will happen?
Yeah, I do feel like that. I've been at school, being smart, being funny, being a good, outstanding student for the majority of my life. Now that I'm working for Jim and since I'm not a cop, as everyone is very fond of pointing out to me, I feel like I have to prove that I belong and can handle everything and that I'm an asset to the station, not just as Jim's partner.
Please say hello to
Vin for me.
Blair
From: Damien
St. Clair (DaytheSaint@whiltshire.uk.com)
To: Blair Sandburg (BJSandburg@home.net)
May 19, 1999 11:00 PST
Hi Blair,
This is going to have
to be a short note. I am grounded from
the computer for a week for playing on it too much and not getting some stuff
done that I was supposed to. But, I
didn’t want to leave you hanging either.
I am sure that we can
all get together when you and Jim come over.
We can have an informal dinner party or something. It will be fun and I think you'll get a lot
out of it.
You asked how Vin and
I met :-) Funny story and it will give
you a good laugh until I talk to you next week.
We've been together
for 8,9 years. We had been together for
about almost a year when Jim stayed with us after his trip to Peru. I'm 31, didn't know if you knew that :-) I was in England with a group
of....environmentalists. Vin calls them
environmental terrorist, but I think that's too harsh. The British/Canadian government and several
big companies were working out a deal to ship and store hazardous materials up
in the northern part of Canada. We knew
where the company presidents and lawyers were staying and were picketing around
their hotels, picketing the meeting areas, generally being annoying. Several of our members were arrested after
they climbed down the side of the hotel and taped signs over the company's
hotel rooms with big arrows saying "environment rapist here" and
stuff like that. I was around the back
of the hotel one morning and I saw the president of GAQ, Inc. coming out from
the parking desk. Thinking he was
trying to by pass us and the press, I threw myself on the car to prevent him
from getting to the meeting. LOL Ok,
seemed like a good idea at the time. LOL Well, I missed. I hit the windshield, cracked that and then
rolled off when the driver swerved. It
turned out not to be the president of this company - it was a very mad, but
concerned Vincent Cade. I ended up with
some bad bruises, nasty scrapes, a concussion and my lover. :-)
Need to go, Vin is
making rude comments.
Day
THE END
We hope we have
entertained you. Thank you for reading.