Marriage Talks

In this modern world with highly individualistic thinking, it has become very common to arrange talks between the bride and the groom before the marriage is completely settled. When such talks take place, it is nothing but natural for people to try and make mark of themselves... First moments, first words, first impressions... form foundations for opinions about each other that last long. You don't have to appear polished but you have to take enough care to make it pleasant, simple and most importantly successful. Especially if you are a person who would like to be "myself" or "frank when saying something" please take care. Good be yourself, be frank; but don't hurt feelings or converge on to a quarrel to prove your point, and finally turn away.

Be a friend

The first sign of a good relationship. Especially, if it is the first time you are meeting each other, both of you need to arrive at a comfort level to discuss openly. Choose a comfortable location that offers good privacy, safety, easy to reach and is pleasant. Be on time.

Take your time

You are not attending an interview or a business meeting or trying to make a public announcement. Don't get off to business immediately. Talk general, find out how the other person is feeling. Some people take more time to adjust than others, so give them the time they need. It’s wise to keep your rest of the day free. You should not be in a hurry if the meeting takes longer than expected. Moreover, you should be left with some free time to ponder upon the meeting that’s fresh in your mind.

Know them

That’s what you meet each other for. Create a context where you both can express your true feelings and aspirations. Ask their plans, hobbies, weekend activities etc. Know their expectations about a spouse, marriage, relationship. Most of the time this will give you good information about the person.

Be an empathetic listener

The other person is a human too with his or her own feelings. So treat them like one. Be kind and give them their worth. You may choose to disagree with certain opinions or ambitions, but do not put down the other person. Just leave it as his or her choice of dealing with life.

Be yourself

Make your ideas, ambitions and expectations very clear. Of course, you have to be yourself and let him understand what you are and what you want to do with marriage and life. There is nothing worse like you may feel you can adjust with, but later cannot - something like smoking, drinking etc.

If you have to oppose anything or correct something, say something like "yes, true but... I think you can consider these options too...." and tell your feeling. He need not always see what you see. His feelings are based are his own knowledge, feelings, intelligence, experience etc and are correct to him, no matter how illogical they are for you. There is no one who can impress the other 100%.

Appreciate

Appreciation is not praise, its not approval. Its acknowledging something good in the other person and letting the other person know of it. Appreciate whatever you like in the other person. It doesn’t mean acceptance, just an appreciation of some quality. Tell why you are impressed with him/her. They should be confident that you are impressed, and probably wants to hear that from you. Don't flatter, be sincere. This increases the comfort level.

Don't contest or oppose anything outright. (You can do it later ;-) He/she will have a good and well thought reason for whatever he/she says. You are not there to question their freedom or their correctness of choices. Wait till you know their reasons first. You can ask if you don't understand. You need to respect their views, if you want them to respect yours.

Don't jump off to topics like money, job, abroad trips, sex, (even divorce papers or broken affairs if any). It’s too early for that. Let the other person take the initiative regarding such delicate issues, before you start off and catch them unawares.

Let them be them

This is where most of the meetings summarize. If you try to “tune" them to your liking or your way of thinking, that raises a conflict. You need to accept the other person as he/she is with out any manipulation or negotiation.

Be humble

Apologize if something goes wrong, may be when you say something that is out of context or something that you didn’t mean. Accidents (mistakes) are just natural, but see that the effects don't remain in the long run.

All’s well that ends well

On the whole make it a pleasant experience for him and for you too. Practically, you need to fulfil the purpose. Have a good coordination between your thoughts, words, actions and situation. At the end the other person should feel that he will be getting a spouse who would respect them, their views and ideas.

Sometimes it may be better to take time and thought after the meeting to come to a decision. Yes, you can ask for some time to let your decision be expressed. Remember, you have the responsibility to keep the other person informed in agreed time.

Most importantly, don’t take anything or anyone for granted. Be careful with the assumptions and compromises you make.