Britannic

An obvious attempt to cash in on the hysteria surrounding her more famous sister ship, Titanic, Britannic is one of the poorest films to be produced in years.

Launched in 1914, the Britannic was requisitioned by the Admiralty and summarily converted into a hospital ship for use during World War I. With modifications arising from the Titanic disaster, she was repainted white with a distinctive green stripe down her sides punctuated by red crosses. But on November 21, 1916, while heading for Gallipoli, she either struck a mine or was torpedoed off the coast of Greece.

The writers clearly thought it unnecessary to research the actual sinking of the doomed ship, and based their screenplay solely on assumption and what little common knowledge there is. With a lot of elements from James Cameron’s Titanic (1997) and The Hindenburg (1975) thrown in, the end result is a preposterous storyline with laughable scenes that could never have taken place given the actual facts and morals of the times.

The soggy story follows Vera Campbell, a British agent posing as a nanny, who is placed aboard the vessel to uncover a nefarious German plot. But her mission is complicated when she falls in love with the ship’s chaplain, Reynolds. The homely Amanda Ryan plays the female lead, while Edward Atterton plays her love interest -- the two share some of the most clumsy and revolting kisses in cinema history. But even the talents of John Rhys-Davies as the Captain and Jacqueline Bisset as Lady Lewis cannot keep the dismal production afloat.

Despite numerous shoot-outs and chases, there is not a single drop of suspense. With cardboard sets and the most embarrassing computer animation ever created, this is one voyage you should strive to miss. Rating: 1 out of 10.