The Good, The Bad And The Horny

by Remma (morennab@yahoo.co.uk)

"Come on, rise 'n shine."

"Whaa?"

"You have to get out of here...now."

"Just five more minutes, 'kay. Nice boots, love the spurs."

"Thank-you, now go."

"That's not very friendly."

"Please, it's not safe here, you have to leave."

"What's not safe, this is a jail, right? Hey, I remember you; you're the law around here. You arrested me. Hi."

"I'm surprised you remember anything, considering the amount of alcohol you consumed last night...and I brought you here for your own good. You needed to sleep it off in a safe place."

"See, didn't I say this was a safe place. And no way could I forget you, babe."

"Last night it was safe, today it's not...and don't call me babe."

"How come? And you are a babe."

"It's nothing that concerns you, O'Neill. No I'm not."

"Sure it does, it's getting me thrown out of my warm bed at the crack of dawn, isn't it? And it's Jack. You so are."

"It's well past eleven...hardly the crack of dawn, Jack. Am not."

"My, doesn't time fly. So, you got a name kid?"

"That's Sheriff Jackson to you, and I'm no kid either."

"Yeah, whatever. You sure don't look old enough to be keeping the peace in a hellhole like this. What made you take the job?"

"Someone had to."

"And that someone was you?"

"Yes, well, no-one else wanted it."

"Figures."

"Jack, you think this place is bad now, you should have seen it before. It wasn't safe for decent people to walk the streets. I couldn't stand by any more and do nothing, it's the duty of all good citizens to take up the responsibility of protecting those who are unable to protect themselves."

"You sound like a recruitment poster."

"You say that as though it was a bad thing to have a conscience."

"Not bad, just inconvenient."

"If everyone thought like you, there'd never be any progress."

"Just as well there are fine, upstanding citizens like you around then, kid."

"I told you, I'm no..."

"I know, I know. Sheriff Jackson sounds so...cold, not like you at all. No first name?"

"What do you mean, 'not like me'? You know nothing about me."

"Well, we did spend the night together."

"You crashing out on the cot in my jail would hardly constitute spending the night together."

"There's always tonight."

"Ah...oh...uhh...huh?"

"Damn, you're cute when you're confused."

"Stop it, stop saying that. I am not cute...ever. Daniel."

"Excuse me?"

"My name...it's Daniel."

"Okay, so Daniel, you wanna spend the night with me tonight."

"God, you don't waste much time, do you?"

"You only get the one life, might as well make the most of it."

"I see. Well, charming as your proposition was, I'm afraid I have to decline."

"You know, I'm much more fun when I'm sober."

"I'm sure you are, but I don't do casual."

"Shame. Guess I'd better be heading out, then."

"Right, bye."

"No reason to stay now."

"No."

"No, might as well leave."

"Jack, leaving usually means not staying."

"Right, yes. What did you mean it wasn't safe here today?"

"That doesn't..."

"Concern me. I know. Doesn't mean I don't want to know."

"There are some people coming here to kill me. Today."

"Who?"

"What difference does it make who?"

"Big difference. If it's the women's bible study group, no problem, we can take 'em."

"I don't know, those Christian women can be vicious when they get the bit between their teeth. Give me a herd of stampeding longhorns any day."

"You have a point."

"The Goulds."

"Huh?"

"That's who's coming to kill me...the Goulds."

"You're kidding, right?"

"Do you see me laughing?"

"Geez, Daniel, please, please, tell me you haven't pissed off the Goulds?"

"It wasn't my fault."

"Of course it wasn't. What did you do?"

"I killed Ray."

"You killed Ray Gould?"

"Yes, he gave me no choice, Jack. I tried to get him to surrender and stand trial, but he wouldn't listen."

"Hey, I'm not disputing that he needed killing...the guy was a snake...I'm only surprised that you killed him."

"Why? Just because I don't like to fight, doesn't mean I can't."

"Clearly, if you could take out Ray Gould."

"I firmly believe that violence should only be used as a last resort."

"And you always abide by your beliefs."

"Of course, doesn't everyone?"

"Daniel, how can you live here, doing the job you do, and still have so much faith in human nature?"

"How can I not?"

"Do you always see the good in everyone?"

"I think all of us would like to do the right thing, but our fear so often gets in the way."

"Except for you."

"Oh, I'm scared, I simply refuse to let it rule my life. I have to follow my conscience, or I'd lose myself."

"Death before dishonour?"

"You could put it that way."

"Personally, I'd prefer to live."

"Well, duh."

"So, how many of them are coming?"

"As far as I know, Harry, Seth, Solly, Ozzy, Nobby and...uh...Apophis."

"All of the them? Damn. What sort of name is Apophis, anyway?"

"It's foreign."

"Aah...foreign."

"Oh, and I heard Hattie was coming along for the ride, too."

"Man, she's a venomous bitch."

"I know."

"When are they coming?"

"High Noon."

"Why is it always high noon, why not ten past three, or twenty to two?"

"Adds drama."

"What, gunfire and the cries of the dying not dramatic enough?"

"It's been a slow few days."

"Must be the new Sheriff. I hear he's real good at keeping order."

"Must be."

"I guess running away is out of the question?"

"You guess right."

"Pity."

"I don't see what this has to do with you, there's nothing keeping you here."

"Only my conscience."

"I thought you didn't have one."

"I thought that too, seems I was wrong. This is all your fault."

"How, exactly?"

"You made me think."

"And you think you should risk your life for this town?"

"Not for the town, for you."

"Jack, you barely know me, why should you care what happens to me?"

"Ya got me. All I know is, if I walked out now, and you got you dumb, noble ass shot full of holes, I could never live with myself."

"Oh...uh...that's..."

"I mean, it's a really great ass, it should be preserved for posterity."

"Ja-ack."

"How do you want to do this, Daniel?"

"I was planning on waiting 'till they get here, then meeting them half way."

"You're kidding right?"

"No, why?"

"You're seriously telling me your planning on standing out here, in the middle of the street, then strolling over to say hi? Why don't I paint a nice big target on your chest?"

"What option do I have, Jack? If you have a better idea, I'm listening."

"Almost anything would be better than that."

"Oh, well maybe we could surround them...all two of us."

"No chance of help from the locals, then...what a surprise."

"Don't be like that, Jack, they're scared and doing the best they can. You never know, they may still come."

"Yeah, like that's gonna happen."

"It might, you never know. And you could have shaved...you look like hell. And what's with the cigar stump, you can't be smoking it, because that same one's been dangling from your lip for the past half hour."

"Gee, thanks. I was going for the tough macho look."

"You went too far."

"Everyone's a critic. How come your not in white?"

"What?"

"I thought the good guys always wore white."

"I hate white, it makes me look like a choirboy. You don't like the black?"

"I love the black, and as for the coat...well, hot damn...wear it when we make out and I'll be a happy man. Then again, I'll be happy if we live long enough to make out at all. Ambush."

"You want to ambush me?"

"Now there's a thought, but no, I think we should ambush the Gould. There's a spot as you come into town that would be perfect, we could take out at least two of them before they know what's hit them."

"But we can't possibly do that, it would be wrong."

"Daniel, a bunch of psychotic killers are on their way here to kill us, how can it possibly be wrong to get the jump on them?"

"The psychotic killers are coming to kill me, not us, but for now, at least, they haven't committed any crimes. I have to give them the chance to leave in peace."

"That's more than they'll give you."

"I would hope I'm a better man than any member of that clan."

"That you are, Dannyboy. This is that honour thing again, right?"

"Yes, is it a problem for you?"

"Like I said, inconvenient. I suppose we can't shoot first, either? No, thought not, you don't have to look at me like that...can I help it if I'd rather snuggle a warm sheriff than get shot full of lead?"

"Too late to worry about it now, they're here."

"Ah, crap."

"This is your last chance. Leave now, and we wipe the slate clean, it doesn't have to be this way."

"Shoulda known you'd be a coward, boy, howd' ya manage to get the drop on Ray...shoot him from behind when he wasn't looking, did'ja?"

"I gave him the opportunity to surrender, Apophis, he chose to fight. He gave me no option but to kill him."

"You telling me you beat him fair and square? Did'ja hear that, boys? This greenhorn beat our Ray to the draw."

"Laugh it up, dogbreath, I like seeing a guy die happy."

"Butt out stranger, this don't concern you."

"Now that's where you're wrong, you slimy pile of cow crap. Seeing off scum like you is everyone's concern."

"I'm gonna enjoy killin' you, right after I deal with this here boy sheriff."

"Bring it on, snakeboy."

"Think the two 'a yous can take the six of us?"

"It's not just two of them."

"Reverend Micklethwaite, why..how...?"

"Thought about what you said to us, son. You were right. This is our town, and it's our responsibility to defend it, I'm sorry it took me so long to realise that."

"Well, it's good to have you here now."

"You think one parson with a winchester's gonna help you any?"

"How about a grocer?"

"And a teacher?"

"Me and the gals from Dinah's are behind you too sheriff."

"Truth is, pretty much the whole town is ready to fight for a better life. You and your kin ready to fight the whole town, Apophis."

"It's over, Gould, these people aren't scared of you anymore. I'm giving you one last chance to leave before anyone gets hurt."

"You'll pay for this, boy. We had a sweet deal goin' here 'afore you stuck your nose where it had no business bein'."

"Your a dinosaur, Apophis, the days of tyrants like you running wild is over. There's the law now to bring order and justice for everyone. You can't fight progress. Now get on your horse and get out of my town. All of you."

"Your not gonna listen to him are ya? What kinda men are yous all?"

"You do what you like, Hattie, I'm not aimin' to die today...I'm outta here."

"Damn, look at those varmints go, and good riddance."

"Cowards, the lot of 'em. I'm ashamed to be kin to 'em."

"Aren't you going with them Hattie?"

"No, think I'll stick around a bit, maybe get to know you better, sheriff. The man as can defeat the Goulds is the man for me."

"Don't go staying on my account."

"Come on now, honey, I can do a lot for you, you don't know what your missing."

"Oh I think I have a pretty good idea, I've read what's written on the walls of the privy behind the saloon."

"Huh! I'll get you...you ain't worth spittin' on...you...you..."

"Can it sister, and stay away from him, your not fit to lick his boots."

"Didn't know I was trespassin' on your territory big boy, guess that explains why he ain't interested in me. You look like you wanna hit me, tough guy, go ahead, hit me."

"Leave her, Jack, she's not worth it."

"He might be too much of a gentleman to hit you, you trollop, I don't have that problem."

"Way to go, lady! That's some left hook you got there ma'am."

"Why thank you, young man. We may let our husbands think of us as the weaker sex, but when it comes down to it, we frontier women are tough old birds. Now don't you worry about this loose woman, the guild of Christian women know just how to deal with the likes of her."

"Your not intending anything illegal, are you, Mrs. McMinn?"

"Not at all, laddie. We'll be taking her to the convent. The Little Sisters of Mercy will turn her into a good and decent female."

"No, not the convent, please, I'm beggin' you, shoot me now."

"Damn, you weren't kidding about the Christian women."

"That sounds like an excellent solution, she's all yours. And...uhm...I'd like to thank you all for...uhm...you should all be very proud of yourselves."

"You're the one to be thanked, son. You gave us the courage to do the right thing."

"Thank you Reverend, I appreciate you saying that."

"Now that the excitement's all over, what say we move to the church hall and celebrate? Sheriff, will you and your friend be joining us?"

"Oh...uh...we have to...uh...we have some things to...uh..."

"Thanks for the invite, parson, some other time maybe."

"That would be fine, I hope you'll be staying with us awhile."

"Oh, I plan on staying for a good long time. Bye now."

"Good, good. If you change your minds, you know where to find us."

"Uh, right, Night, Reverend Micklethwaite."

"Seems you were right to have faith in the townsfolk, they're good people."

"Yes, they are. I knew they had it in them, I just wasn't sure they knew that."

"If it wasn't for you, they might never have found out. You have an effect on people...you make them want to be the best they can. See what you did for me...never thought I'd be one for the grand gesture."

"You shouldn't put yourself down Jack. You're decent, honest and strong...a good man."

"Thanks, kid. So, Daniel, wanna get a room?"

"I told you, I don't do casual."

"No, well, looks like I don't anymore, either."

"Oh, so...uhm..."

"I'm not sticking around for Mrs.McMinn's apple pie."

"It's very good pie."

"It is?"

"Yes, she brings me one every Sunday."

"Well, that settles it then. You and pie, an unbeatable combination. Now, how about that room?"

"No."

"Huh?"

"Jack, I live here, we don't need to get a room. Come on."

"The jail, we're going to do it in the jail? Kinky. Who gets first go with the manacles?"

"Ja-ack, that's where I live."

"In jail?"

"Behind the jail. I have a house."

"Sweet. We could get a dog."

"You're sure this is what you want?"

"Daniel, I've been drifting for way too long, It's about time I put down some roots. First time I laid eyes on you, I knew you were the one."

"First time you laid eyes on me, you puked on my boots."

"Must have been the shock of meeting you."

"Or the pitcher of beer and half a bottle of whisky."

"That's possible I guess."

"Jack, I just need to be sure we're doing the right thing."

"We are, trust me."

"I wouldn't want you to get bored."

"Daniel, the one thing life with you could never be, is boring."

***The End***

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