1.Be loud and obnoxious... the rest of the section may get confused (well... actually, this is a likely event) and they might dismiss you as someone they don't remember from last year. 

2.Don't worry about the rhythm or the partials-- just play loud!

3.Use only the following three dynamics:
-ff --- loud enough to blast the conductor's toupee through a six inch piece of steel.
-fff --- pray that the rest of the band has reached a bomb shelter.
-ppp --- DON'T PLAY!

4.Spit valve? What spit valve? Just let it slide back into your face.

5.If you MUST empty your spit valve, do it as loud as possible during empty pauses in the music, and absolutely make sure to get the spit all over the person sitting/standing in front of you.

6.Drill sheets are only good for hats, telescopes, and weapons for enemy warfare. (i.e.- satanic mellophones!)

7.Always capitalize the word "Trombone" and the words "Marching Band" whenever you may write them. (If you are so inclined with this skill-- some people really make me wonder)
Guide to playing Trombone
B - 7 5 3 2 5 3 1 4
E - 2 5 3 2 4 2 3 2
A - 2 7 5 4 2 5 3 2
D - 4 2 5 4 2 4 2 1
G - 4 2 4 3 1 2 3 2
C - 6 4 2 1 4 2 4 3
F - 1 4 2 1 3 1 2 1
B flat - 1 6 4 3 1 4 2 1
E flat - 3 1 4 3 1 3 1 3
A flat - 3 1 6 5 3 1 4 3
D flat - 5 3 1 5 3 1 3 2
G flat / F sharp - 5 3 1 4 2 3 1 3


Minor Scales
B - 7 5 4 2 5 3 2 4
E - 2 5 4 2 4 2 1 2
A - 2 7 6 4 2 5 4 2
D - 4 2 1 4 2 4 3 1
G - 4 2 1 3 1 2 1 2
C - 6 4 3 1 4 2 1 3
F - 1 4 3 1 3 1 3 1
B flat - 1 6 5 3 1 4 3 1
E flat - 3 1 5 3 1 3 2 3
A flat - 3 1 7 5 3 1 5 3
D flat - 5 3 2 5 3 1 4 2
G flat / F sharp - 5 3 2 4 2 3 2 3

7th - This scale is mainly used for jazz and blues
B - 7 5 3 2 5 3 2 4
E - 2 5 3 2 4 2 1 2
A - 2 7 5 4 2 5 4 2
D - 4 2 5 4 2 4 3 1
G - 4 2 4 3 1 2 1 2
C - 6 4 2 1 4 2 1 3
F - 1 4 2 1 3 1 3 1
B flat - 1 6 4 3 1 4 3 1
E flat - 3 1 4 3 1 3 2 3
A flat - 3 1 6 5 3 1 5 3
D flat - 5 3 1 5 3 1 4 2
G flat / F sharp - 5 3 1 4 2 3 2 3
Slide positions