Amputated Genitals

	Stephen is coming groggily round in a hospital bed.
	Hugh as doctor, sympathetically gazes down.


Stephen		Oo-er.

Hugh		Mr Kerniff ...

Stephen		Mmm.

Hugh		Mr Kerniff, how are you feeling?

Stephen		What happened?

Hugh		You probably don't remember Mr Kerniff, but you
		were in a very serious accident.

Stephen		A van.

Hugh		No. An accident. You were on your bicycle, and
		you were hit ...

Stephen		By a van.

Hugh		That's it.

Stephen		Am I all right?

Hugh		You're going to be fine, Mr Kerniff. Lots of drink
		and plenty of hot sleep.

Stephen		Right.

Hugh		But I'm afraid you did sustain a very serious injury
		to your genitals.

Stephen		My genitals?

Hugh		(Holds up stainless steel tray) As you can see.

Stephen		Oh dear.

Hugh		Oh, as you rightly say, dear. We had no choice but
		to remove them.

Stephen		Oh no.

Hugh		Oh, as you didn't rightly say, yes.

Stephen		However will I manage?

Hugh		Hmm. Did you use them often, Mr Kerniff?

Stephen		Well, not really. But it was nice to know that they
		were there.

Hugh		Quite. Well all is not lost, Mr Kerniff. Medical
		science has advanced a great deal. Prosthetic
		and substitute legs, arm, even noses, are now
		commonplace.

Stephen		You supply substitute genitals?

Hugh		Say hello to Killer, Mr Kerniff.

	Hugh leads on a nasty-looking Doberman.

Stephen		You're not going to ... I mean, surely you can't.
		For heaven's sake, I don't want a dog's genitals!

Hugh		Oh what an almost amusing misunderstanding,
		Mr Kerniff. No no no. Killer will simply be your
		substitute for having genitals.

Stephen		I beg your pardon?

Hugh		Yes, I'm sure you've seen people walking round
		with Dobermans before?

Stephen		Well ... yes.

Hugh		Yes, well for men who have no genitals, the
		ownership of a Doberman or similarly violent
		animal acts as an important psychological crutch.
		And I stress the word "important".

Stephen		Owning a Doberman is a substitute for having
		genitals?

Hugh		Indeed yes, Mr Kerniff. Thousands of people
		compensate for genital inadequacy by owning
		large dogs.

Stephen		But why?

Hugh		Beats me, Mr Kerniff. I'm only a doctor. In
		addition we will provide you with a diving watch,
		a year's subscription to Guns & Ammo and this
		combat jacket. And these are yours too.

	Hugh drops a diving watch, a gun magazine, a combat 
	jacket and a bunch of keys on Stephen's bed.

Stephen		Wh ...?

Hugh		Keys to your rusty white van.

Stephen		But, Doctor ...

Hugh		Yes, Mr Kerniff?

Stephen		I appreciate that you're trying to help here, but
		I also happen to use my genitals for, you know,
		getting rid of my urine ...

Hugh		Oh don't worry, that's the beauty of the system.
		When people see you wearing a combat jacket and
		driving round in a white van with Killer, the piss
		will be taken out of you constantly.

Stephen		I suppose in an ideal world
		I would be in bed with Philip
		Schofield right now.