Leave it, love it, lost it.........

(Spoilers for Leave it to Weaver)
By Missy
(missy@lexicon.net)

Disclaimer: I don't own 'em. I'm just borrowing and will put them back when I've finished playing. I'm sure you all don't need me to tell you who does own them. <g>

Spoilers: "Leave it to Weaver" Oh, and a disclaimer of my own. This is written solely on the comments made by those who have seen the eppy. I'm also assuming that it's Summer. I haven't seen it and I'm not likely to until the year 2000. That Y2K bug again :(

Now on with this little introspective :)

*******

Her head rested against the hard, wide edge of the window pane. It's hardness softened only slightly by the fall of the drapes, harnessed back by the velvet sash. The crystal tumbler in her hand shook ever so slightly, the amber liquid lapping precariously at the oblique edge, a drink long forgotten but comforting in its presence.

Kerry watched the movement of the pedestrians in the late evening, couples and friends enjoying the warmth of the Summer evening. It only made her want to drown her sorrows even more. Decisions like those she had made today had never been easy but it hurt to lose the friendship, respect and trust of three people because of those decisions.

Maybe she had gotten soft over her few years at County. She had quite enjoyed the fact that the staff considered her to be one of them, even included in the gossip that filtered around the ER. It was going to be different now. Becoming Chief of Emergency Services had been an ambition she had coveted for many years but the way she had finally attained it was going to colour her relationship with all staff members. Naturally, they would forget that only six months ago they had been begging her to apply again, to stick her neck out on the chopping block for another chance at being cut down.

Since being overlooked last year, not once but twice, she had resigned herself that she didn't want the job. The time she had previously used to complete the administrative nightmare while Acting Chief had been quickly diverted. To keep her mind occupied, she immersed herself in studies and journal articles or any other avenue which had the power to keep at bay the despair she felt.

Carter had been one of those distractions. She had taken time out to try to teach him how to cook and had enjoyed discussing interesting case studies with him. The rapport between them had made the living arrangements more than acceptable. Carter had respected her home and her need for time alone.

Now it was all gone. All but the coveted position. Looking back on it, she hoped that she had made the right choice. That excuse that she had used about Romano was true but there was more to it than that.

It had taken the abuse of her decision with Mark last year to make the choice for her. That fiasco had left a black mark on her clear record and one which she wasn't going to forget quickly. The chance to redeem herself in the position of Chief of Emergency Services meant steeling herself against any possibility of underhandedness or favouritism.

Faces flashed across her memory. Mark's shock at her betrayal. There was no better word for what she had cold- heartedly done to him. Carter's words of congratulations and the happiness which sharply turned to dismay at her cold impersonal dismissal of his tenancy. Lucy's disappointment at the loss of a solid support in the ER. The amber liquid burned her throat as she downed it in one gulp.

Turning away from the window, Kerry looked around the room. The light and airy feeling suddenly felt oppressive and spartan. Cold and impersonal. Much the way she had treated Mark, Carter and Lucy that day.

It had all been necessary in the final scheme of things. Her position as Chief meant that she couldn't possibly have allowed Carter to continue living under the same roof nor continued as Lucy's mentor. As for Mark, there just wasn't another option open to her. She was right, wasn't she? There hadn't been any other choices available to her, had there?

Slowly moving towards the bottle on the table, Kerry sat down onto the white, comfortable couch. Grasping the neck firmly in her hand, she poured herself another drink, full and straight. The tumbler rested heavily in her clasped hands as she sought solace in something akin to friendship but with none of the affection or personal regard that she would find in others.

The End.

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