YESTERDAY, TODAY, FOREVER (PART 3/?)
by Michelle Creek
(missy@ipax.com.au)


DISCLAIMER: The characters of ER are the property of Michael
Crichton, Warner Bros. Constant Productions and Amblin Television
and the actors who so marvellously portray them.

Any comments and/or constructive criticism will be gratefully
received at the above e-mail address.



Kerry sighed as she entered the doctor's lounge, relieved to be away
from the barrage of questions that seemed to assail her each time she
was free from a patient or the words of congratulations.   While it was
lovely to feel the comraderie of the staff, it was becoming very
wearing on her nerves.   She was not used to this sort of support and
interest in her personal life.

Taking in the pile of files and papers still sitting on the table, she
decided to tackle the easier issue of making a cup of strong black
coffee before even deigning to give the files another thought.   
Leaving her crutch leaning against the wall beside the door, she
slowly moved back to the table with her mug, savouring the lovely
aroma of armouretta.  It was the telltale sign that Randi had made the
brew.  

Now as sat down, she soaked up the luxury of the silence, a very rare
occurrence in the emergency department and also a very uncommon
respite for her.  It was not often that she gave herself a chance to just
sit still and do nothing.  A brief smile tugged at her lips.  It was also
something that would become extinct once Alemsehay arrived.  Five
year olds and silence were not a conducive pair.

Kerry absorbed the warmth radiating through her hands from the mug
and realised that she had not  changed her clothes.  In the hectic pace
set just after her arrival that morning, she hadn't had a chance and
now as she sat sipping her coffee, she could feel the chill of the still
damp clothes on her skin.

First taking a couple more sips of coffee, Kerry went to her locker to
get a fresh change of clothes.  As she looked in, she remembered the
two incidents the previous day which had necessitated two changes of
her clothes, dilapidating her usual supply.    In the excitement of the
morning, she had forgotten to take another set to work.    It looked
like it was going to have to be scrubs.  

As she went to shut her door, the lack of character in contrast to the
others grated.  Scrounging around in her briefcase, Kerry found a
packet of blu-tac, which always came in handy for lectures.  Pulling
the photo of Alemsehay from her purse, she affixed the blu-tac to the
back and firmly placed it on the front of her locker door.  Surveying
her artwork, she was pleased with the effect, knowing that each time
she walked into the room, there would be a part of her.

Closing the door, she grabbed her crutch and went to change into a set
of scrubs.

                  - 0 0 0 -

Looking down at the report for a fourth time and still not gaining
much sense of the words on the page, Carol closed her eyes, feeling
the pulsating beat of the headache reverberating and pushed her hair
back from her face. 

"Why don't you take a break?"  Randi asked pointedly, noticing her
struggle with the words in front of her.   "I've just made a fresh pot
of coffee."  

Randi didn't need to give her any further persuasion.  A pot of
Randi's coffee was what she needed to get her thoughts going again,
maybe aided by a couple of aspirin as well.

Massaging her temple, Carol went into the doctor's lounge.  Her day
had been full, broken between running the emergency department as
Charge Nurse and also the clinic.  Sometimes she questioned why she
did it at all but it wasn't long before a case would present itself and
she realised the full value the clinic was bringing to the community. 
Nevertheless, today had been harder than usual

Going to her locker to get the aspirin, she noticed the photograph on
Kerry's locker.  She stopped, lightly tracing the contours of the
child's face and remembering another child.   Tears formed in her
eyes, pooling and spilling over as she felt the pain once again of her
loss.

Carol jumped when a hand gently touched her arm.

"Carol?"  It was a question, a need to know what had upset her. 
Kerry's eyes questioned now, gently probing the amber depths that
were looking at her but not really seeing her.

"It's nothing."  Carol responded shortly, brushing away the tears with
the back of her hand.  

"Carol.  You don't get upset like this over nothing."

"What do you know?  You've got everything.  You're a doctor. 
You've got a flourishing career and now you're going to have a
daughter."  The words rushed out before Carol had a chance to stop
them, the hurt of losing Tatiana stinging her sorely.  

Searching her lab coat pockets, Kerry found a wad of clean tissues. 
She handed them to Carol and gently propelled her towards the
couch, making her sit down.

"You think I've got everything?"  Kerry asked softly.  "Carol, do you
realise how much you have?  You've got a loving mother and a
devoted fianc‚.  And about being a doctor, you could have been.  You
proved that but you chose to stay with nursing.  I personally think it
was a wise decision."

Carol looked at her sharply.

Kerry smiled back.  "Not because you weren't capable of being a
doctor.  You were.  But because you are an outstanding nurse and we
have a shortage of those.  Look what you've done with the clinic."

"But it doesn't bring Tatiana back."  Carol knew Kerry was correct
that she did have a lot to be grateful for but it still didn't make the
loss any easier.

"No, it doesn't."  Kerry agreed.

Carol was surprised that Kerry didn't ask who Tatiana was.  "You
know about Tatiana?"

"I was here when you went to her funeral." Kerry reminded her.  " I
asked Mark about her at the time."  
"So you know I tried to adopt her."

Everything now fell into place as to what had upset Carol.  Why now
all of a sudden she was remembering Tatiana, the little girl she had
felt so close to 3« years earlier.  

"No.  I didn't.  Mark only said about the fact that she had been
dumped by her mother once she knew she was HIV positive."

Carol began remembering the day she first met Tatiana.  "Tatiana
was adopted by her mother, if you could call her that, from Russia
through the ICA programme.   When she found out she was HIV
positive and began to get sick, she left her here.   I can still remember
the fear on her little face.  Here she was in a hospital, in a country she
didn't know and she didn't speak the language.  The only connection
between her and all that she knew in life was gone."  

"So you decided you would adopt her, provide her with the security
and love she had never known."

Carol nodded, once again surprised at the understanding.

"But I wasn't approved.  They found out about my suicide attempt
earlier that year.  Everything stopped with that one word 'suicide'. 
No appeal, nothing.  And that's how she died.  In the orphanage, in
a small bed not knowing what it's like to be loved."  Carol vented her
anger over the injustice of it all, of the painful death Tatiana had
endured on her own unnecessarily.

"Carol, for what it's worth, I think they were wrong.  If you had been
given a chance, you would have been a wonderful mother for
Tatiana."

"Thanks Kerry."  Carol wiped her face.

"Now, how would you like a some coffee?"  Kerry awkwardly
pushed herself up from the couch.  Usually she avoided sitting down
on them.

"Yeah.  That's what I originally came in for."  Carol stood up.  "I'll
get it."

Realising that Carol didn't want any more undue attention, she didn't
fight her decision.  Taking a seat at the table, she took a sip of the
lukewarm coffee and grimaced.   What a combination, lukewarm
coffee and paperwork.

"Carol.  Would you be able to help me with something?"  Kerry
wasn't sure of the reaction she'd get to her question.  "I've got to
decorate Alemsehay's room and I'm not all that great with colours. 
Would you be willing to give me a hand with Jeanie?"

Carol smiled.  "Yeah, sure Kerry.  I'd love to."

Without asking Carol sat down beside Kerry and they tackled sorting
out the files together into some semblance of order.

END PART 3/?