Funnystuff

Funny, Odd, Unusual

(Or: These put a smile on my face!)

This was submitted by Chibiabos on alt.atheism

"When I was 10 or 11, I was standing in my parents' back yard. Someone in the neighbor's yard threw an avocado pit over the fence, it landed squarely in my palm while I was gesturing about something. I was so amazed that I planted the pit in my parents' back yard."

"Thirty summers later, I was sitting under that same avocado tree eating corn chips and guacamole. There was no wind or anything. An avocado fell from the tree and landed directly in the bowl of guacamole."

Q. How many British Christians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Both of them!

Links to the following were recently seen at fark.com:

Woman gives birth to tortoise.

David Hasselhoff is the Antichrist.

Man auctions himself.

20 men to try pulling 747 with their penises.

Church stages drive-thru nativity.

Hong Kong woman trying to mend ozone layer by starring at sun for 49 days straight.

Four out of five salmon are transexuals.

Man arrested for stealing house.

US defense experts believe Saddam Hussein may be building weapons super-computer out of Playstation 2s.

Man calls fire brigade to light his cigarette.

Australian police stage 5 hour seige of empty house.

For Sale: Ebola virus.

Another hunter shot by his own dog.

Put your photo on a condom.

Paris gangs using trained attack monkeys.

For sale: "Captain Dildo" t-shirt (Dildo, Newfoundland).

Reagan Requests Recount in Minnesota.

Clothing made from Bubblewrap(TM) -- probably not safe for work.

Brazilians finding penguins on balmy beaches.

Norwegian Navy pays male sailor "bra allowance".

Woman accidentally glues eyes shut.

Mr. Ed was a zebra.

Groucho Marx not Marxist, say FBI files.

Christmas cancelled in Bethlehem.

Dog litter bins mistaken for mailboxes.

Irish lighthouse getting solar power.

Blind nudie bar customers want to be allowed to touch lap dancers.

Cheese house worries neighbors.

Farmer teaches monkeys to pick fruit.

The longest cat in the world.

Trick-or-Treater gets real eyeball.

Futher proof that Belguim does not exist.

British pensioner fights off Australian shark with his foot.

Brazilians warned not to refrigerate lost penguins washing up on beach in Rio.

Mexican professional wrestlers - who's your favorite?

Man didn't know he had 6 inch nail stuck in his head.

Irish lottery tickets stolen in Canada.

The Woo Lego Project - a computer case built from Lego.

Welcome to Dildo, Newfoundland.

Welcome to Sex Peak, Montana.

For sale: cat testicles.

Con artist persuades Indian woman to have 22 children.

Did you hear the one about...

A man gets onto a bus, pays his fare, proceeds down the vehicle and sits next to a nun. After a short time, he turns to the nun and says, "Hey, how about it? How about dancing the horizontal lambada with me? Wanna' do it with me? You know, the bedspread boogie. Come on, you know you want to!"

The nun slaps him on the face, gets up and storms off the bus saying, "I have never been so insulted, I am a bride of Christ!"

At the end of the journey our man gets up to leave the bus, he is just about to step off the platform when the bus driver catches his attention. "Pssstt! Pssstt! You like nuns? You like them? Eh? Eh?"

Our man is taken aback, "Erm... yes, you can help me?"

"All you have to do is go to the convent when the bell rings for matins, but make sure that you are dressed up like that Jesus guy: you know, raggedy smock, false beard, crown of thorns, covered in vinegar, a dab of strawberry jam down one side, sandals, that sort of stuff. When the nuns come out after their devotions just call one of them over and explain that you are Jesus Christ and have come to claim your conjugal rights. Like the nun said back there - nuns are brides of Christ, you can't miss!"

"Hey thanks friend. You really have made my day! I'll DEFINITELY try it tomorrow."

Next morning, dressed in the required garb and reeking of vinegar he secretes himself amongst the bushes outside the convent - just after the bell for matins has rung. After a while some nuns file out. Noticing that one nun at the back of the queue is lagging behind, he calls her over to the bushes, "I am your Lord Jesus Christ, I have come to claim my earthly conjugal rights with you, a bride of Christ!"

The nun answers, "My Lord, it is true that I am a bride of Christ and am obliged to entertain you in matters conjugal, but I fear that I may be unable to help. You see, it is the wrong time of month for me. But if you are willing, I may be able to offer an alternative solution to your requirements. I am sure you know what I mean."

"Um... OK."

The nun bends over, hitches up her habit, and they go to it with an excited doggy-style vigour, eventually collapsing in an exhausted, sweaty, satisfied heap.

Our man looks over at the nun and in moment of remorse says, "I'm sorry, but I have a terrible confession to make. I'm not really your Lord Jesus Christ, I'm just a guy from across town who happens to like nuns."

The nun rolls over, "I understand. And I too have a confession... I'm sorry but I am not, in fact, a nun."

"Well, who are you then?"

"I'm the freakin' bus driver!"

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