Bittergrace: A Reprise

after the waiting
the daydreaming
the playing of sims2 until 2am
and the denial of the things I had to do
after the reading of the books i bought but haven't read
and the rereading of old battered love stories
after the sleeping
and the eating
and the staring at the ceiling
i wonder...
am i really ready for my thesis?

Solutions to global warming already exist
But they will not work unless we use them
It's time to switch to clean energy.
The choice we make today will decide the climate of the future.
visit www.greenpeace.org.ph

better, pero as if naman maniniwala ako sa librong yan. pero dahil makulit ako, nagtanong ako ulit. last na.

bwahahaha, sige na nga. totoo naman.
ang hirap naman talaga kasi pag may one way chicken.
|hum along with me

MTh 7-8:30 PI 100
MTh 4-5:30 SOCIO 10
T 8:30-11:30 COMM 191
TF 2:30-4 PHYSICS 10
W 1-4 FILM 121

Waaah! Never na talaga ako nagkaroon ng maayos na sked! So ano ngayong gagawin ko between 8:30-4 on Mondays and Thursdays? At kumusta naman ang nagiisang class ko on fridays? huhu. pinangarap ko pa naman maging 3 days a week lang ang pasok ko this sem. But no. 5 araw pa rin. at least walang saturday. waaah! paano na thesis kooooooooo!

Just got back from Laguna, I'm a bit exhausted and half-sick so I'll tell you about it later but for now, here are some pictures.

bwahaha, or 7am at gising na ako pero wala akong magawa dahil tulog silang lahat. (by special request the individual pictures will not be posted here but just poke me and i'll happily show it to you.)

Neil, I have an ongoing dispute between myself and several lady friends. They think that you are attractive, that you have an "older British man appeal." On the other hand, while I love your books, I think you're rather not. Would you mind clearing this up for us? Are you attractive?

I really don’t know what “I love you” means.
I think it means “Don’t leave me here alone.”
Neil Gaiman, Sonnet

Trying to finish up the last of my subjects and hoping that my grades in other subjects will be as favorable as the ones already posted in crs. Still thinking about whether I should take the Advanced Scriptwriting class or not mainly because I just remembered I still have gradcomm duties. In the meantime, I've clumsily plastic-covered almost all my books. yey. and my organization won second place in an inter-school video competition. yey(2x).
i hate you. i hate you so much i don't know why you don't get it. you stupid you.
~~~
don't think that I don't know about your many little betrayals. i'm not stupid like you.
me: will I ever get to meet orlando bloom in person?
you haven't even asked me for forgiveness and you think i still call you my friend.
book of answers: perhaps, someday when you're older.
pakshet, ang plastik mo talaga. at plastik rin ako. ewan ko na lang. basta.
~~~
makokontento nalang sa pagtingin sa yo
love is a one-way chicken, diba kz?
hayaan mo akong umibig sa iyo ng ganito...
uuuuuy...special mention. natamaan ka ba ulit?

Doctors from the University of Allopath have announced that Love is a disease. It is characterized by abnormal heart rhythms, sweating, impaired brain function, incoherent speech patterns and loss of sleep, among other signs. Thanks to this pioneering work from researchers sponsored by the leading drug firm Pferck, researchers have learned that love is a common biochemical disorder affecting both men and women of all ages.

Fortunately, it is treatable with prescription drugs. A new drug, Miserexa, combines beta blockers and antidepressants to alleviate the symptoms of Love. This drug slows the heart and helps patients feel detached from reality, counteracting the unhealthy neediness of Love.

The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approved the new drug this week. In a press conference, chief FDA drug approval scientist Dr. B. Fuddle said, "We are declaring war on Love, and doing everything in our power to eradicate Love from the world."

The market for Miserexa is expected to reach six billion dollars annually. "Love has reached epidemic proportions," explained a public relations representative of Pferk. "If we do not act immediately to thwart the spread of this disease, Love will run rampant, and we will be facing an epidemic of Love in the world."

Health researchers first became aware of the disease after being alerted to symptoms of Love by the psychiatry community, which has been instrumental in the detection and aggressive treatment of this dangerous condition with brain-altering drugs. "We were seeing it in an alarming number of patients," explained one psychiatrist, "and it was causing untold suffering in their lives. Fortunately, the condition can now be chemically corrected.

"Further study revealed that Love is highly contagious. It can apparently spread from one person to another, although the mechanism of transmission is currently unknown (scientists suspect it may be spread on toilet seats and doorknobs). Love also spreads easily from mother to child, especially in newborns. Interestingly, Love has no effect on landlords and corporate CEOs, who seem to possess some unknown immunity to the disease.

Given the expanding threat of this disease, doctors stress it is important that all adults get screened for Love as soon as possible.Hospitals and clinics are now setting up Love screening programs in the hopes of catching the disease early and treating it aggressively with targeted pharmaceuticals. "Nearly half the population may now be suffering from Love," said Dr. Fuddle, "and we estimate more than 90% of the carriers are currently going without treatment. It is important that we provide screenings and treatment on a population-wide basis."If Love is not detected and treated in its early stages, it can advance to the point where the only solution is surgery. In such severe cases of Love, skilled surgeons perform a cardiectomy (a surgical removal of the heart). The procedure is risky, and many patients have died on the operating table, but many more have been successfully saved from the ravages of Love by the skillful blade of a compassionate surgeon.

The American Misery Association (AMA), whose mission is to find the cure for Love, is working hard to help educate the general public to watch for early signs of Love. People are urged to conduct a Love self-examination in the privacy of their own homes, and to watch out for the classic symptoms of Love: racing pulse, sweaty palms, inability to speak in coherent sentences, or confusion around certain attractive individuals. People are also taught how to avoid giving Love to others -- an important step in halting the spread of this disease.

If you suspect that you or someone you tolerate might be suffering from Love, don't wait. Treatable is available. Don't let Loved ones suffer any longer.This press release is brought to you by Pferck, where today's rip-off drug prices fund tomorrow's profit miracles.

I've burst into tears 2 times in the past week. The last time I uncontrollably burst into tears in public, it resulted in a feud between 2 senior classes in my high school. That's why I just don't do it.

I will always love you.
mary corleone to her cousin, vincent mancini in The Godfather, Part III

Tell me why does it hurt?
evgeny onegin to tatiana in Onegin, referring to her heart

I never loved but one man in my life,
And I have lost him—twice. . . .
roxanne to herself after the death of the man who loved her in Cyrano de Bergerac

He was never mine to lose
Why regret what could not be?
eponine to herself as she watches marius and cosette fall in love in Les Miserables

I gave you my music made your song take wing
And now how you've repaid me, denied me and betrayed me
He was bound to love you when he heard you sing...
the phantom to christine as she finds love in raoul's arms in The Phantom of the Opera

You were a dream to me
Now you’re nothing but a heart that bleeds
I’ll wash you off and carry on...
Lost by Skin

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is a firestorm - full of intensity and drama.
Your thoughts may seem scattered to you most of the time...
But they often seem strong and passionate to those around you.
You are a natural influencer. The thoughts you share are very powerful and persuading.

You Are Likely A Forth Born

At your darkest moments, you feel angry.
At work and school, you do best when your analyzing.
When you love someone, you tend to be very giving.

In friendship, you don't take the initiative in reaching out.
Your ideal jobs are: factory jobs, comedy, and dentistry.
You will leave your mark on the world with your own personal philosophy.

Your World View

You are a fairly broadminded romantic and reasonably content.
You value kindness and try to live by your ideals.
You have strong need for security, which may be either emotional or material.

You respect truth and are flexible.
You like people, and they can readily make friends with you.
You are not very adventurous, but this does not bother you.

What Is Your World View?

How You Are In Love

You fall in love quickly and easily. And very often.

You give and take equally in relationships.

You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time.

You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.

You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

How Are You In Love?

Your Fortune Is

Never have sex with a stranger unless you are stranger than them.

The Wacky Fortune Cookie Generator

You Are 40% Weird

Normal enough to know that you're weird...
But too damn weird to do anything about it!

How Weird Are You?

Your Superhero Profile

Your Superhero Name is The Valiant Chameleon
Your Superpower is Seduction
Your Weakness is Snakes
Your Weapon is Your Flaming Shotgun
Your Mode of Transportation is Camel

Your Power Color Is Lime Green

At Your Highest:

You are adventurous, witty, and a visionary.

At Your Lowest:

You feel misunderstood, like you don't fit in.

In Love:

You have a tough exterior, but can be very dedicated.

How You're Attractive:

Your self-awareness and confidence lights up a room.

Your Eternal Question:

"What else do I need in my life?"

You Are Somewhat Machiavellian

You're not going to mow over everyone to get ahead...
But you're also powerful enough to make things happen for yourself.
You understand how the world works, even when it's an ugly place.
You just don't get ugly yourself - unless you have to!

Monday had me traipsing to Fully Booked Rockwell to order my copy of Neil Gaiman's Anansi Boys with the special letter exclusive for Filipinos. (I had called in earlier to ask about it and they said they had 1000 copies, but after my experience during Neil's visit I just wanted to be extra extra sure that I got one.)

Anyway...Fully Booked Rockwell is, I think, the biggest bookstore in the Philippines (not counting National Bookstore because half of that is school supplies and don't even get me started on the way they treat their books.) It's a place where a person like me could happily lose themselves in and that's exactly what I did for the next 2 hours. I would have happily stayed there forever except I had classes the next day and I still had to commute back home. Hmpft.

So yesterday, I went back to Rockwell after watching The Godfather for my Film and Lit class to get the book I ordered and then immediately commuted back home. (Commuting gives me a headache and sometimes I wish I could either drive or fly. Neil's the only person I would do this for because before I met him, I was a fan and now that I've met him, I'll love, love, love him forever but excuse me because I'm gushing again.)

And so, my first hardbound Neil Gaiman novel is now sitting happily in my glass covered bookshelf among other Neil Gaiman books while I scan avalon.ph and find myself gazing wistfully at the illustrated Snow, Glass, Apples which costs 12,000 pesos which I'll never buy but hope to anyway, someday...I'll probably (hopefully!) get to read Anansi Boys during sembreak in the meantime, I still have to bury myself under schoolwork.

I got letter number 0006 out of 1000, by the way. How's that for being extra extra sure.

It's another one of those days when I just can't stand people. Every little thing irritates me. And every laugh is an insult. I'm short-tempered, sour and selfish and basically just not a nice person to be with.I don't know why, exactly. No, that's not true. I do know why.

It's because my chest literally hurts with unresolved emotions and I'm letting out steam.

It's because I can't write about my anger anymore because I don't know what I'm really angry at. Or maybe it's because I know that I'm angry with myself and I just don't know why. Or maybe it's because I do know why I'm angry with myself but I just don't know how to deal with it anymore.

I just learned that the UP Film Institute will finally offer Film 122 (Advanced Scriptwriting) again. After years and years of waiting for it, I find it extremely irritating because I used up all my film electives.

I'm thinking of taking it anyway but that would just make my taking 21 units this semester utterly pointless. (I did it because I didn't want to have too many subjects while making my thesis.) And if I do take the course that means that I'll have 18 units like everyone else and not the 15 that I originally planned.

I wrote a post about how bad last week was and realized how badly I wrote it so there.

I'll just say instead that sometimes, it's not as bad as you think. Sometimes, it's exactly what you deserve and sometimes, it's even worse.The important thing is to get over it.

Funny...
september 10, 2005

Last thursday at about 1 o'clock in the afternoon, I was whining because my teacher had once again cancelled class when I had spent the night preparing myself for it.

At the same instant, not so far away from the University, a high school friend of mine decided to die. She turned on the radio and hung herself till she turned blue. She was found 4 hours later.

And now rumors (not to mention the tabloids) have had her killing herself because she was pregnant and her boyfriend left her. I refuse to believe it. I refuse to let anyone else believe it. We may not have been the closest of friends but I do know that she would not have killed herself for so shallow a reason. She was stronger than that. She was smarter. Perhaps she had just lost hope in all of us. Perhaps she was ready to die. The problem with suicide is that no one ever finds out why because the only person who knows the answer is already dead.

She was truly beautiful. One of the most beautiful people I know. And she had this big smile ready for everyone. She always seemed cheerful. Perhaps she thought it was time to take off the mask she had been wearing for so long.

I wish I had known her better.

And now things will never be the same again. I keep thinking about our yearly Christmas parties and how it won't be the same because she won't be there anymore. Perhaps time had separated us like it does everyone. But I remember a time when we meant the world to each other. They were my world until we inevitably grew up and drifted into other worlds.

Until now, I find it hard to believe. Maybe it's a good thing that I won't be able to attend her funeral in Davao. I don't want to think of her dead. I won't think of her that way. To me, she'll always be smiling.

Always.

|hum along with me

Backspace
september 06, 2005

It is easy to deny things when one has a delete key.

*delete*

|hum along with me

What I Should Have Said
september 04, 2005

to ma'am anne while she told me to keep only 2 seconds of my expe film and scrap the rest (after all I lost a day's sleep because of editing): Ha?

to my thesis proposal adviser: Ayoko na!!!!

to my former friend: Sana alam mo na gago ka.

to my former friend again: Duh.

to myself while thinking of my former friend and our former relationship: Shet.

to each of them but most especially to the one beside me: Ang tanga-tanga mo kasi...

to him: Bilisan mo kaya.to those who were worried: Thank you.

to everyone else: Lalala...

~~~

Maybe true love is unconscious and not self-conscious.

|hum along with me

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