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I'm not sure where this came from. I haven't
actually read any really bad Mary Sue's (well, I have, but only on purpose
- see Godawful Fanfic).
I think I just needed to vent about something, and threats of a Mary Sue
were looming in my in-tray and my imagination, and I had to get it out
of the way. Anyway, this is an original poem, not a filk. Maybe I
thought bitching would be more forgivable that way.
:-)
Ode to Mary Sue
If you are soft on eyes of blue
Or wish that he was hot for you
Then write it for yourself,
A little harmless fluff,
And call your own bluff.
Call his lover Mary Sue.
Make his every thought
of you,
Take his dutiful nature through
To its heartfelt conclusion.
You own his confusion.
There's hearts in profusion
And in your heart it's true.
If he's hard, cold and reckless,
Acts like he just couldn't care less,
He oughter to be kissin',
It's love that he's missin'.
Go write that frisson!
Don't imagine that you're feckless...
Called on to save the world again
In racing car or sleek jet plane,
Heading for the enemy,
Hurtling into jeopardy,
Deep inside he's just lonely,
His heart in the public domain.
Only you can keep him focussed
He feels so much more than just lust.
In the middle of battle
You're his personal chattel
The only one that'll
Make his burning heart combust
For you are an exquisite sculpture
Made of ebony and alabaster
With eyes and hair of precious jewels
For you are such a sharp beauty
Your wit distracts him from duty
You show the others up to be fools
For you are an expert fighter
No living warrior is mightier
Except him, of course, it's the rules
For you are the enemy's spy
Your existence and your heart a lie
Love and betrayal are your tools
You write your story and we'll read it.
You know your plotting is quite legit.
And if the girl ain't to our liking
You'll tell us to go a-hiking.
She most certainly is striking,
She's the girl your readers want to hit.
And when your story's nearly through,
And to his side she's stuck like glue,
She heroically dies.
Her beautiful demise
Is never a surprise,
That's what Mary Sue is meant to do.
And if we're lucky she'll never come back :-)
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