This was originally written for the April 2003 challenge on Gatchamania.

Clipping from Hontwall News, business section, 1st April

Galactor announces new Troop Motivation Scheme

With troop morale fading in the face of repeated attacks by the Kagaku Ninja Tai Gatchaman, the chairman of Galactor Corp Inc. has announced a new instant-win contest on Tuesday, April 1st.

Mecha (both command module and smaller units) computer systems will have a new feature which, when the unit senses that it is facing immediate destruction, will flash up on all terminal screens details of the fantastic prizes which will be awarded to the mech's crew, if they survive, or their next of kin if they don't.

"Man, being on a mech has never been so exciting!", said Goon #45783 of the Lobsteradon mech brigade. "My brother in law got nuked in the Toadagar just yesterday and his parents got tickets to the soccer World Cup - good ones too! And somebody else here told me they know someone who got a whole year's worth of free gasoline."

While the scheme was started only two days before the official announcement, feedback has been overwhelmingly positive. One survivor of the Toadagar wreck said, "As soon as I saw the Phoenix hurtling over the horizon towards me, I thought to myself, 'This could be it, I could be a big winner!'" He lost two brothers and several childhood friends when the mech was destroyed, but won a vintage Lada Riga car. "Yeah, we were hiding in the mech's left leg which didn't actually get blown to pieces by their missiles. When we hit the ground I could see all the others were dead, but all I could think about was getting all the blood and glass out of my eyes so I could see if that screen was still working. And, yeah, I was a winner."

"It's really addictive", said Devil Star #45 from her hospital bed, where she is being treated for a brain haemmorage and ruptured kidneys. "I've already zealously pushed three solo mechs to destruction but I still haven't won. I'm going to win those World Cup tickets, even if it kills me." She went on to say that as soon as she gets out of hospital she's going to get straight into her next assigned vehicle, and drive it into the side of a mountain if she doesn't get to engage the Phoenix or any members of the Gatchaman team within an hour.

Galactor's leaders are not surprised that the contest has been so well received. A high ranking official, dressed like a crab hiding in a kelp forest, said "In the past, nobody (except for the forces of good, but they don't count) really liked it when our mechs got shot down, which is perfectly understandable. They're scary and dangerous and, more often than not, fatal. But now, when our troops go into battle, their next crash could mean serious cash. Who wouldn't like that?"

According to Galactor's official contest rules, the chances of winning the grand prize (a brand new hydrogen powered Honto Pantsun family convertible aircar, only usually available in areas of the world being rebuilt by the ISO) are 1 in 100,000,000. Statistical experts, however, say the real odds of winning are significantly worse. "While it is almost a certainty that all mechs will be destroyed by Gatchaman or other allied forces eventually, there is no guarantee that the mechs' communication systems will remain sufficiently intact to contact Central Base to notify the systems there that prizes need to be assigned. It is very difficult to include these factors accurately in the odds, but the actual chances of winning the top prize each time you get into a mech are more like 1 in 31 trillion."

This theory is backed up by Goon #38912, who said, "Yeah, my BeetleJet recently got totalled in practice when another guy from my regiment was out of his face on sock vodka and flew his own right into the back of it. It blew my power system immediately and so all my screens just went blank, so I got nothing. But he won a new Ikea sofa bed. That's just not fair."

This was written based on an original article from the marvellous online publication, The Onion.

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