4th and Goal Commentary - May 25, 2001
What Sons Need Most From Their Dads
By Bill McCartney
What would you say is a son's greatest need in his relationship with
his dad?
I'm Bill McCartney... It's 4TH and Goal!
In the course of writing a book, author Neil Chethik asked men what
they most valued about their dads. Significantly, the answer was
never money, houses, cars, toys-or any other physical thing. The
answer was "affection."
The trouble is, many fathers are naturally distant or uninvolved in
the lives of their kids. They may be uncomfortable showing affection
or just don't know how to because they were never shown affection by their
own dads.
I was like that. In building my coaching career, I was often a
remote figure to my kids. I felt like I was doing my job in "bringing
home the bacon," but long hours at the office left little time for meaningful
interaction.
Sadly, according to Chethik, when fathers are distant, unavailable or
uninvolved with their sons, the message it sends is that "you don't matter
much." And that undermines a boy's self-esteem and confidence.
The good news is that there are a variety of effective ways that dads
can express affection. Of course, physical expressions - such as
wrestling, riding piggyback and hugs and kisses - always score high, says
Chethik.
But, he also found that even non-physical expressions were highly valued;
that affection was, quote, "less about physicality than about loving attention
by a father toward his child." Like the man whose father routinely
invited him to help with fix-up projects around the house, always leading
to substantial, two-way conversations.
Demonstrating our affection to our boys has got to become habit.
And, no one can be responsible for that but dads.
Being affectionate with our sons is not optional. However we choose
to do it, our sons need us to show them that we care about them, that they're
of value to us -- that they add something to our lives. "It is the
small acts of affection, in the seemingly ordinary moments," Chethik says,
"where the best of fathering can take place."
I'm Coach Bill McCartney.
Source Material: "Fathers & Sons," by Neil Chethik, Fatherhood Today,
Fall 2000.
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