Semi-Suite: Right, let's say that instead of just automatically allowing LoDuca to do the score and stuff they actually put out the call for songwriters to submit proposals. And let's pretend that the proposals got all the way to Sweden. You do see where this is going, don't you? This is dedicated to Alekela. Who's listening to ABBA Gold right now, guaranteed.

Unforgivable: It's my kids fault. They watch Buffy and the X-files. Not me. But when the TV's on I get a lot of knowledge through osmosis. And wouldn't both of those shows do a lot better with a little subtext?

Forget Me Please: Confession time, now I watch Buffy. And, gosh, weren't there some similarities in the seasons? I keep expecting Angel and Buffy to get back together during a school production of Grease. Hmmmm..... (maven slaps herself beside the head. There will be no Buffy/Grease parody.) This one is dedicated to my Cool Kid Tori-pg14.

Tsunami: The unaired final scene - does annoying little details like Gabrielle's lost staff, what happened to the moron bad guy and the cowardly bad guy that wasn't so bad after all bother you? Well, not me. But I do have fun with them.

Vanishing Act: The unaired final scene - well, I wanted to know why Auto didn't kisss Gabrielle.

What I Did During My Summer Vacation - Well, I noticed a trend. XWP, BVS and DS9 all ended with characters being killed. An amazing coincidence, no? Well, I haven't seen the DS9 closer yet but here are some thoughts on the other two shows.

GREECE! (maven nods, her arms trapped to her sides in a stunning white jacket with lots of little metal buckles and leather straps.) Hey, look, it isn't that bad, really.

FEEDBACK, COMMENT AND FLAMES: Email at maven369@sympatico.ca
 

Last week on maven-TV's Xena: Scully treated Gabrielle's poisoning while Mulder, Buffy and Xena destroyed the undead, alien Persian army.

Show opens with Xena and Gabrielle explaining to Scully and Mulder about subtext. Scully nods but Mulder looks clueless. Scully drags Mulder off to some bushes to explain. Xena and Gabrielle load up Argo and start to head off. Buffy tags along. Both Xena and Gabrielle look really enthusiastic (like when Joxer shows up) about this.

Cut away to bushes - Mulder asks how fishing makes people think about sex.

Meanwhile, the trio is ambushed and a thug grabs Buffy and holds a knife to her throat. Xena rolls her eyes - deja vu with the useless sidekick hostage. But Buffy escapes the hold, stakes her guy and then three of Gabrielle's. Xena nods approvingly. Gabrielle looks daggers. Buffy looks smug.

Cut away to bushes - Mulder asks how the phrase "can we cook in your juices" makes people think about sex.

Meanwhile, the trio is ambushed by another group of thugs. Xena and Buffy start doing incredible flips, leaps, kicks and such. All the goons stop to watch and applaud. Gabrielle bops them all on the head. Xena invites Buffy to ride with her on Argo. Gabrielle follows, eating dust.

Cut away to bushes - Mulder asks how having his neck bitten would make people think about sex.

Meanwhile, the trio is ambushed by yet another group of thugs. Xena and Buffy are in a deep conversation about kill techniques and weapon improvisation and don't notice. Gabrielle takes out about a hundred guys. Buffy and Xena ride on, Gabrielle follows way behind muttering about adding "doesn't apply to irritating blondes" clause to her "NO KILL I" code.

Cut away to bushes - Mulder asks how a gun makes people think about sex.

SOUND EFFECT-SINGLE GUNSHOT

Meanwhile, the trio (Gabrielle way out of breath) approach the bush as Scully comes out (pun intended) muttering about clueless males. Xena suggests Buffy and Scully team up. Buffy and Scully head east practicing their witty banter.

Xena asks Gabrielle if she'd like to ride and pulls Gabrielle up onto Argo. Somehow, (nudge nudge wink wink) Gabrielle ends up in front of Xena and facing backwards (kinda like in that scene from Debt).

"I wuv you, Xena" says Gabrielle, snuggling in.

"Yeah, yeah," says Xena, giving her a noogie.

Fade to the teaser for next week.......

Teaser: this week on mavenTV's Xena- Buffy and Gabrielle try to forget their most painful season.

EXTERIOR SHOT: cheap temple set. Just a set of doors 'cause there's no money in the budget after Debt and Bitter Suite. Two guards in robes block Gabrielle and Buffy from entering.

GUARD: Only one may enter the Temple of Memorex to see the Priestess Tapeover. State your cases.

BUFFY: My second season has been really painful.

GABRIELLE: Ha! My entire third season except for two shows has been pure hell.

GUARD: Not generalities, state specific details.

BUFFY: My old boyfriend tried to betray me to become one of the undead.

GABRIELLE: All my old boyfriends are dead.

BUFFY: My sidekick is a socially inept computer nerd.

GABRIELLE: I am the sidekick.

BUFFY: My other sidekick is a shallow boy who's in love with me.

GABRIELLE: Next season I'm getting Joxer as an assistant.

BUFFY: I had sex with the person I love...

GABRIELLE: (interrupting) Sex, with someone you love? With someone who doesn't die the next day?

BUFFY: Well, he was already dead, technically anyway. But now he's a soulless demon.

GABRIELLE: Yeah, I gave birth to a soulless demon.

BUFFY: Fine, well he killed my father-figure's girlfriend.

GABRIELLE: Ha! My kid killed my best friend's (or whatever the censor's are allowing that week) only son. How did your fake dad take it?

BUFFY: Actually, pretty good considering.

GABRIELLE: Mine too, if you don't count (begins a long detailed description of the events of the GabDrag and in Bitter Suite. Buffy continues in a slightly louder voice to be heard over the rant).

BUFFY: And he killed my sidekick's fish.

GABRIELLE: (shouting) DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT FISH!

Enter stage left Hercules looking wild and insane.

HERCULES: The horror, the horror! Quick, I must be allowed into the temple. I must forget!

BUFFY and GABRIELLE: What?

HERCULES: (begins sobbing) PORKULES!

Buffy and Gabrielle turn to each other, share a look and nod.

BUFFY: Can't beat that.

GABRIELLE: Not even close.

The End

DISCLAIMER: The character assassination of the supporting cast of XENA: Warrior Princess and Buffy: Vampire Slayer were not meant maliciously. Well, not very maliciously.

EXT: A beach in the afternoon. GABRIELLE sits cross-legged watching the waves. XENA, leading Argo, approaches. Upon reaching GABRIELLE she crouches down beside her.

GABRIELLE: How did it go?

XENA: Fine, got the captain to a healer and Thadeus and Soraya back to town. I suggested that Thadeus let Petrodes go free as long as he behaves. Think I'll call it parole. Macon is back in jail. Autolycus took off, guess parole would hurt his reputation as King of Thieves.

GABRIELLE: Parole? Sounds good. Have to come up with a name for the flying parchment, though.. Something short, something...

XENA: (pointing at some birds flying over the surf) Hey, look at the kites.

GABRIELLE: ...Something like kite.

XENA: You wanna name the flying parchment after a bird?

GABRIELLE: Well, a kiwi would be more appropriate...

XENA: (voice drops) GABRIELLE.

GABRIELLE: ...but kite sounds better.

XENA: Kite it is then.

The two sit in companionable silence for several minutes.

XENA: There it is. (points to something bobbing in the surf)

GABRIELLE wades into the water and begins to untangle her staff from the straps of several empty water skins.

GABRIELLE: That's great. How did you know it would wash to shore?

XENA: That staff is a part of you, of your legend. Like me and the chakram. You and I. Destiny brings us back together no matter how we're separated.

GABRIELLE: I like the sound of that. It's romantic that I'm a part of your destiny.

JOXER: Ho, my warrior chums!

XENA: Well, there are disadvantages.

EXT: the ubiquitous Greek road, dusty and empty. Xena is riding Argo while Gabrielle walks beside, tapping the staff into the ground with slightly more force then usual, occasionally glancing up to glower at Xena. Xena glances down at her, starts to say something and then stops. Gabrielle smacks a stone off the road and into a bush.

XENA: Is something bothering you?

GABRIELLE: What makes you think something's bothering me? (smacks another stone)

XENA: You're tense. You're not talking. You're smacking stones. You keep glowering at me. Other than that...

GABRIELLE: Everything is just fine. (smacks another stone)

XENA: 'Cause if this is about Autolycus kissing me...

GABRIELLE: This is not about Autolycus kissing you. I'm secure enough not to be threatened by your past lovers or future dalliances.

XENA: Good.

GABRIELLE: Gods know that if I've accepted the fact that you use to be a blood thirsty, drug addicted fiend who would sleep with anyone, or thing, if it would get you what you wanted, I can accept a simple kiss.

XENA: Drug addicted?

GABRIELLE: Ming Tein told me about the opium.

XENA: That was medication!

GABRIELLE: Sure it was. You just keep on telling yourself that.

XENA: Yeah, well at least I could get the damn rocks to sing in tune.

The two glare at each other for several seconds before Gabrielle breaks into a grin and Xena manages a quirky smile. Xena reaches down, bracing against a stirrup and pulls Gabrielle up so that she is sitting across her lap. Argo shifts slightly.

XENA: C'mere

The two share gentle kisses and soft hugs.

GABRIELLE: Well, at least someone wants to kiss me.

XENA: Oh, I see. This isn't about Autolycus kissing me. It's about him not kissing you.

GABRIELLE: Silly right?

XENA: No not really. But, ummm, that's my fault.

GABRIELLE: What is?

XENA: Remember when you were stealing my body back from the Amazons? I slapped him one and he said something about it not helping our working relationship?

GABRIELLE: Slapping him?

XENA: No, telling him if he touched you again I'd break every bone in his body.

GABRIELLE: (smiling) You told him that?

XENA: (embarrassed) Well, yeah.

GABRIELLE: And if he did this? (runs a finger up Xena's left arm from bracer to arm band)

XENA: I'd have broken his hand.

GABRIELLE: And if he did this? (slides her hand up Xena's thigh, stopping at the edge of the leathers)

XENA: The pinch for sure.

GABRIELLE: And this? (moving forward and breathing softly against Xena's neck before closing her lips on the faint scar)

XENA: (groaning) They'd never have found the body.

Gabrielle leans back, smiling.

XENA: And you're not jealous about him kissing me?

GABRIELLE: Xena, really, a little peck on the cheek?

XENA: Gabrielle, he didn't kiss me on the cheek.

GABRIELLE: Yes he did. Remember, I write the scrolls.

And then there are some not so gentle kisses and not so soft hugs as we fade to black.

The End

WHAT I DID DURING MY SUMMER VACATION
BY GABRIELLE OF POTEDIA & ANGELUS THE VAMPIRE

Made New Friends
"Hi, I'm Gabrielle."
"Hi, Angel," he says as they shake hands and smile. They then, having run out of things to say, look casually around the green room which is Limbo.
"Nice place," Angel says.
"Well, better than Tartarus but not as good as the Fields. Not that I'm staying, mind you."
"Aren't you dead?"
Gabrielle waves off the suggestion with a casual flip of the wrist.
"Just temporary. Soon as Xena --that's my girlfriend-- gets here for me I'm gone."
"Lucky.  My girlfriend sacrificed me to seal a portal into hell. I'm not sure I'm gonna get back."
"Sure you will, just pray to the right god. I'd try Nelson myself."

Found Common Interests
"Mind you, it was only for a couple of hours," Gabrielle allowed.
"But still, you were a vampire too?"
"We call them Bacchae."

Discussed Techniques
"Usually from the front," Angel explained. "That way you got the jugular right there."
"Well, I don't have as much experience but from behind you can, ummmm, use your hands more," Gabrielle says, making vague hourglass shapes with her hands.
"Never thought of that."
"Are there showers here?" Gabrielle asked, slightly glassy eyed.

Sung Songs
"99 pints of A positive on the shelf
99 pints of blood
Take one down, pass it around
98 pints of blood on the shelf."

Reminisced About Loved Ones
"And then she gets this set, focused look..."
"...and this smile..."
"...and her hair just a wave as she spins..."
"...and then the feral look...."
"...the blue eyes..."
"...and leather."
The two sigh in unison, eyes focused on something very far away.
"Where did you say those showers were?" Angel asked.

Bitched About Loved Ones
"All it takes is those puppy dog eyes..."
"...Or that 'I'm not really bad, just misunderstood' line"
"So what if I offed the substitute teacher and all of Willow's fish."
"Right, like I'd have gone to Ares if she hadn't dumped me like a cold potato."
"Hot potato. Anyway, please, he's just a boy."
"Always throwing herself into the next 'greater good mission'."
"Gotta save the earth from demon hordes."
"What about me? That's what I say."
"Right, we have feelings, we have needs."
"Like she can just say 'I love you too' and it's all alright?"
"Women," snorts Angel.
"You said it," agrees Gabrielle.

Went Back and Got Mushy About those Loved Ones
"And then I say; 'No friends, no weapons, no hope. What do you have left?'"
"And then she says to the jerk; 'From you, nothing'."
"And then she grabs the sword and says; 'Me'."
"'From me, nothing less'."
The two pause, sigh in unison and then glance at each other.
"She said that?" Angel asked.
"As soon as she rescues me so I can finish the damn scroll she will."

Considered a Few Options
"You know," Angel said, "we may be here awhile."
"Yeah."
"Just the two of us, you know," Angel added, thinking that Gabrielle reminded him just a little of her.
"Yeah," Gabrielle agreed, thinking that Angel reminded her just a little of her.
The two kinda smile at each other.
"That's a nice top," Angel says.
"I like your shirt. It's torn though."
"Where she stabbed me. I don't usually wear black. I prefer red."
Gabrielle freezes. "Red?" she asks.
"Yeah, red shirts."
Gabrielle draws a bit away from Angel.
"Red, as in red shirts?" Gabrielle draws a bit more away from Angel.
"Yeah, red shirts," Angel repeats, clearly confused.
"Gosh, what is keeping them?"

Discussing Fine Cuisine...
"But her favourites are the little flaky ones with the red inside."
"Flaky with red inside. My favourite too. That's why I moved to Los Angeles."
They stare at each other, trying real hard to suppress the giggles before failing miserably.

...and Rare Vintages
"No, try again. With the pause a little longer."
"I do not drink ... vine." Gabrielle frowns and shakes her head. "I don't get it."
Angel stares at her making little circular motions with his hand, imitating a hamster getting up to speed on its wheel.
"Oh," Gabrielle says, amusement in her voice and eyes. "You don't drink ... vine!"
"I do not drink ... vine," Angel says in an atrocious Bulgarian accent before loosing it totally and collapsing into howling laughter.
"I do not eat ... meat," Gabrielle says in an atrocious Austrian accent before loosing it totally and collapsing into giggles.

And so we come to the end....
"Well, they look like they're having fun."
"Yeah," Xena agrees, glancing down at her companion. "Wanna grab an espresso?"
"'Kay"

... 'til next season that is..

Gotcha, sucker! Made cha look! Heh heh.

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Email at maven369@sympatico.ca