by maven

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: ER belongs to NBC and their lackeys. All characters you don't recognize from ER are likely mine. The name Jo Polniaczek was used by the show Facts of Life but the actual character is original. I know, just change the last name, 'duh.

SUBTEXT and VIOLENCE DISCLAIMER: Yes, maintext.  No.

CONTINUITY DISCLAIMER: For ER up until Rampage. Outrigger is set in the alternate universe outlined in The Thing series.

EXPLANATION AND FURTHER DISCLAIMERS: Hmm, Tucker's fault. Honest.
 

FEEDBACK, COMMENT AND FLAMES: Email at maven369@sympatico.ca

"Is that what you think?"

"No," Sawyer said, sighing. "That's what I hope. That's what I want."

"So. What do you think?"

Sawyer looked down at the still body whose eyes, if they had been opened, would have stared through her and beyond her. "I think it's over."

+++++

"You will be visited by three ghosts."

"Oh, please, Dr. Legaspi. Can't you come up with something more original than Dickens?"

"What makes you think he was original? Maybe he had too much sherry after dinner and..."

"Fine. Three ghosts. Past, present and future. Right. Bring it on."

"You're taking all the fun out of it."

"Well, Dr. Legaspi. Or rather, Marlow, fuck you. You going to warn me about anything? Marlow told Scrooge that he was trying to protect him from his own fate, right?"

"You saw the movie?"

"I read the book. I can read, you know."

"Fine. Yes. Here it is."

"Hit me with it."

"There are many decisions and many universes. In one universe I made a decision that left me alone and loveless. I ran away. I stopped trying. I hid. I would save you from that, T. Sawyer. In many universes, in many timelines, I forsook love in exchange for pride and honour. A poor exchange."

"Thanks for the warning. Now bugger off to where every they store you and bring on the ghosts."

"I am here."

+++++

Sawyer looked behind her, feeling the world shift and turn. The cold of Chicago disappeared leaving the dry heat of a Texas winter. In front of her was a small Latino child, hair curly and fair for her race.

"Who are you, mija?" Sawyer asked.

"My name is Alexandra Maria Sophia Lopez."

"Oh my god."

"I am your guide to your past."

"You know, it's really going to be hard to look you in the eye if I pull out of this."

The child snorted. "Yeah. Right. Ready?"

"Fine. Sure. Show me."

The child waved her hands and the world shifted and pulled, drawing a house closer to the two people. The blood fled from Sawyer's face and she stumbled, hand reaching out to the window sill that was suddenly there. She looked through the window at the crowd of people, loud and boisterous, around the large table.

"They can't see me, right?"

"Or hear you."

"Why did you bring me here?" Sawyer asked sharply.

"You got it wrong. Why did you bring us here?"

"I thought you were the guide."

"Maybe. Or maybe I'm just watchin'. What's wrong? They look like they're having fun. You look like you're having fun."

Sawyer's gaze followed the Ghost's gesture to a young girl. She was wearing a new dress, Sawyer knew. So new that the collar itched at her neck and lace edge would catch on her shins. Santa had brought it, along with a new doll and some treats.

"I am. Was. But..."

"But what?"

Sawyer watched her younger self frown, as if suddenly becoming aware of a draft. Or a look. As one they turned to look at the man.

"It's the last time." The man smiled. The child was reassured. The adult felt a chill run down her spine.

"Last time what?"

"I don't want to be here."

"Can't leave."

"I thought I was in charge. I thought I was the one that brought us here."

"You are. I'm the one keeping you. Last time what?"

Sawyer could feel the tension. Could feel the back molars as they ground. The child turned from the man, back to her new doll to show it off to her cousins. But Sawyer watched, watched the man as the smile turned from assurance to something much more feral.

"The last time I was safe. The last time I believed in Santa. Just, the last time. Can we go?"

The ghost nodded. "Of course. Hang on."

+++++

The world shifted again, the landscape blurring and blending until the dry heat was replaced by a damp coolness. The wind brought the smell of salt and gas fumes and then the stink of disinfectant and medicine.

"Cool," the Ghost said. "Where are we?"

"Hospital. San Francisco."

The Ghost looked around. The walls of the large hall were covered in bright Santas and reindeers.

"Miss Sawyer!"

Both Sawyer and her ghost turned around. Behind them a teenager, dressed in pink-striped scrubs turned as well.

"Yes, Doctor Howard?"

"Why are you still here? Your volunteer shift was over hours ago. It's Christmas, girl. Go on home to your family."

"Umm, Jewish?"

"Miss Sawyer..."

"I just want to help out a bit more. Please?"

The doctor opened his mouth as if to argue when, from the chairs, a small girl howled in fear and pain. Sawyer's head whipped around towards the sounds and Dr. Howard's words died.

"Oh, my God. He knew," said the adult Sawyer softly as she watched Dr. Howard's expression shift.

"Well, Sawyer," Dr. Howard said. "If you're here you might as well make yourself useful. Grissom will be heading up to pediatrics to do his Santa bit. Want to help him out?"

"Sure, Dr. Howard."

"And since we're going to keep you past suppertime you might as well eat with us in the lounge. You phone your parents. Unless you think they'd mind?"

"No sir. I mean. They know how important this is."

"'Tis the season, Miss Sawyer. Get along."

The adult Sawyer shook her head, ignoring her younger version as she ran through her on her way to the elevator banks.

"After that he made sure I ate before my shift ended. And he kept giving me these hand me downs from his daughter."

"He didn't have any kids," the Ghost said. "He and his wife couldn't."

"I just left. I didn't even say thanks. I didn't know he knew."

"He didn't do it because of that."

"But I didn't say thank you. And now he can't hear me."

"I gotta go."

"But... I don't want to do this anymore. It's too hard."

"Don't worry. This ain't going to kill you," the Ghost said as it faded away as another faded in.

"Because you're already dead, shithead."

+++++

"Hey, Jo."

"Don't 'hey Jo' me," Ghost Jo said. Always taller than Sawyer she now towered over her.

"Ummm, you're my next ghost?"

"Yeah. Present. I'm here to show you that, for some friggin' bizarre reason, people like you and actually miss you."

"What do you mean?"

"No man is an island. You familiar with that one?"

"Yeah."

"I mean like this," Ghost Jo said. She snapped her fingers and the scene abruptly changed.

They stood in a university lecture room, empty except for two figures on the bottom most level.

"I don't get it," the younger one muttered.

"Let's try it again," the older one said.

"It's too hard."

"No way. If I can do it..."

"...you can do it," Sawyer whispered with the older voice.

"Sound familiar?" Ghost Jo asked.

"I use to tell that to Mike."

"Okay, Mike," the younger man said, sighing dramatically.

"You know him," Ghost Jo said.

"Mike. He was taking the course and I was sitting in the back aisle."

"Because you're all shy and retiring."

"Because," Sawyer said, "I was just auditing the course because it was a 10:00 pm course and it was warm and dry."

"University vampire."

Sawyer laughed. "Yeah. He was taking it but it was hard for him. So I helped out."

"I'm never going to get this," the young man complained.

"Yes, you will. You need to get it if you want to be a doctor. You can get it because once you get it three times it'll seem easy. You will get it because I'm the TA for the course and it's my job. Now, we'll work through it again."

"He's TA for the course," Sawyer said, a thread of pride in her voice. "He never thought he'd get it. We worked and worked on it in the student lounge over Christmas Break. I remember when he got it. Finally. 'It's a Wonderful Life' was playing on the television and he..."

"Yes!"

"It's right?"

"Yes," Mike said, pulling a large collection of keys from his jacket and jingling them together.

"...got the answer for the first time and a little bell rang on the television..."

"Another pair of wings for my guardian angel," Mike shouted to the lecture hall's ceiling.

"...and the little girl said to her daddy that it meant another angel got his wings."

"Okay. Let's do another."

"But I got it now, Mike."

"That one was for my angel Sawyer. Now, one for me and one for the professor. Then all the ones you do after are for you."

"Okay."

"And then we'll see if Starbucks is open."

"It's Seattle, Mike. It's always open."

"That was a joke. Solve the problem."

"I don't get it. His angel Sawyer?"

Ghost Jo reached over and slapped the back of Sawyer's head.

"That's fucking annoying, Jo."

"Yeah? You're fucking blind, Sawyer."

Ghost Jo snapped her fingers.

+++++

"Dr. Howard. It's time!"

"He's old," Sawyer whispered.

"Yeah, well, ten years does that to a man."

"Coming, Miss Hills. Is Mr. Grissom suited up?"

"Yes, sir. And the toys are all ready, too."

"Excellent. Afterwards, you'll join us for Christmas dinner in the lounge. Before you head back to the shelter?"

"Yeah, sure, Doctor," the young woman said. She hesitated. "Hey, Doctor. Thanks."

"Whatever for?"

"Just, giving me a chance. Everything."

"Think nothing of it. Listen, I have foundsome more clothes in the attic. My daughter's before she got married. If you or your friends..."

"Sure. If she doesn't want them."

"No, I'm sure she wouldn't mind."

"Okay. You thank Sawyer for me?"

"Of course. I'll pass it along."

"Funny name for a kid," the girl teased.

"I am a deep fan of Mark Twain, Miss Hills. Now, you best be getting up to pediatrics."

"But," Sawyer said. "Ghost Sandy said they couldn't have kids."

Ghost Jo slapped Sawyer across the head. "You idiot. They can't. He made her up."

"But, he called her Sawyer."

Slap.

"Stop that. Can we go?"

Snap. "Sure."

+++++

"It's the farm house," Sawyer said doubtfully. Devoid of furniture, dust in the corners and the windows smashed she still recognized the room.

"Yeah, well, guess they don't miss you after all," Ghost Jo said harshly.

"What happened?"

"Shit happened."

"Why do I need to see this?"

"Because it's gone. It has no hold on you. They've moved on or beyond or whatever."

"I don't..."

"You don't get it. I know you don't. This is what you've been running away from. Except there's nothing there. The only thing you were running from was you. And now, you can't run no more. I'm through with you."

"Wait, what? But..."

"It's her turn," Ghost Jo said.

"It fucking figures," Sawyer said as she observed the Future Ghost.

+++++

"Bill Murray got a cool special effect. Mr. Carlson got Johnny Fever. How come I get you?"

"Just luck."

"Shouldn't you be Tiny Tim?"

"Shouldn't you have this crutch shoved up your…"

"Easy. Easy."

"Tiny Tim."

"Sorry."

"I didn't have to agree to this."

"I said I was sorry."

Ghost Kerry Weaver blew and exasperated breath, bangs fluttering up. "Tiny Tim."

"They didn't talk in the other movies."

"Who?"

"Ghost of Christmas Future. They just pointed and shit."

"Maybe they had easier people to deal with."

"Hey."

"Let's just get this over with. You ready to see what may come to pass?"

"No."

"Tough."

+++++

It was foggy. A heavy mist unlike anything Sawyer had ever seen.

"What's with the fog?"

"Cloudy the future is."

"Very funny."

"But true. Kim told you about choices? About how each choice makes another world? A world where you didn't run away. A world where you didn't start volunteering at the hospital. Where you didn't help out Mike."

"Sort of. Are you going to show me all the street kids that Dr. Howard help because he pitied me? All the doctors and nurses that Mike will help pass because he felt obligated?"

"Screw that. They don't matter. You have no control over them. You made your choices and decisions and the influence of those choices is beyond your control. You could disappear tonight but Dr. Howard will still take in the street kids and make sure they get a meal and dry clothes. Mike will go on and work in a teaching hospital because it means more to him to pass on the knowledge than to actually heal someone."

"Oh," Sawyer said. "Then what are you going to show me?"

"The decisions you have to make still."

The fog cleared, revealing the reading room at the 38th.

"Jo?" Sawyer said.

"I dunno, Sandy. I think I pushed her too far."

"They can't hear you," Ghost Kerry said.

"I knew that," Sawyer protested. "It slipped out."

"What do you mean?" Sandy asked.

"I knew… I understood that she was running away from something. And I knew I couldn't push."

"I thought you two were getting along."

"We are. We were. I don't know."

"What happened?"

"We have tomorrow and Christmas off. I asked her if she wanted to come to my folks place in Fort Wayne. Turkey dinner. You know. Just family."

"And?"

"I freaked," Sawyer told Ghost Kerry.

"She freaked."

"Well, you know, introducing your lover to your family for the first time at Christmas…"

"She's not."

Ghost Kerry raised an eyebrow. "You're not? Are you insane?"

"Shut up," Sawyer muttered.

"She's not," Jo said to the floor. "We're not. We're… I don't know what we are."

"Hey," Sandy said, pulling Jo's chin up. "It'll be okay."

"Will it?" Jo asked.

"Will it?" Ghost Kerry asked.

"I gave her what I could," Sawyer said defiantly.

"Sure you did," Ghost Kerry said.

"She was pushing me into… into something. Too fast."

"I was pushing too fast," Jo said.

"Too fast? Mija, you two have been an item for nearly six months and you haven't done the deed? And this was too fast?"

"It was for her."

"I don't believe this. Look. I like Sawyer. She's a good friend and an excellent paramedic and I trust her with my life. But she's obviously not you girlfriend."

"That's enough," Sawyer said.

"She's obviously afraid to commit."

"I said that's enough."

"She puts walls up between everyone."

"Stop it! That's enough!"

The fog rolled back, hiding both Sandy and Jo and their words.

+++++

"Well. That was fun," Sawyer said.

"Not much."

"No, not much at all," Sawyer sighed. "What now? You show me my grave?"

"If you want." The fog parted revealing a gray marble grave marker.

T. SAWYER. 2021.

"I like that one."

"They're all nice," Ghost Kerry said, waving the crutch through the fog. The marker disappeared and another stood revealed as the fog reformed.

SAWYER. 2035.

"Most of them are like this. Just your name and the date you died."

T. SAWYER. 2026.

"After you left Chicago you moved on. And then again. And again."

T. SAWYER. 2028.

"All the way east to New York and then down the eastern seaboard."

SAWYER. 2031.

"Probably if you'd lived long enough you'd have reached Texas again."

T. SAWYER. 2040.

"I like this one too. New Orleans mausoleums are always so classy."

"You said most are like this."

"Hmmm. You'd always get a job helping. As a paramedic until you couldn't meet the physical requirements."

T. SAWYER. 2005.

"In the time lines were you lived to old age you'd volunteer at libraries and youth shelters."

"You said most are like this," Sawyer said, more loudly.

"No matter what you did it was always a job that helped people. A job that brought order to chaos. That's just your nature and you never tried to run from that."

"Please," Sawyer said, gently touching the hand over the grip of the crutch. Breathing a sigh of relief when she felt warm skin. "Show me one not like this."

"Very well. But it will hurt."

"Show me."

A gravestone appeared and slowly Sawyer sunk to her knees, fingers hesitantly tracing the five letters of her first name before moving on to her surname. Pausing over the third word.

BELOVED.

"There's no… there's no date."

"No."

"How long did Jo and I have?"

"What makes you think it was Jo?"

"She's the only one I told my name to."

Ghost Kerry put her hand on Sawyer's shoulder. "You had a lifetime. Shorter than some I've shown you. Longer than others. Does it matter?"

"No. I guess it doesn't."

+++++

"Ghost Jo said I was dead already," Sawyer said, looking down at her still body.

"Yes. Not physically but emotionally. Spiritually. Dead as a dormouse."

"I'm too old to change."

Sawyer had never before heard Kerry Weaver laugh. "You're never too old to change, Sawyer. You're only too scared. Now, do you know what happens next?"

"I wake up. And either I finish packing my duffel and catch the next bus out of town. Or…"

"Or what, Sawyer?"

"Or I don't."

+++++

Consciousness for Sawyer had always been like a light switch. She flicked into consciousness looking wildly around the room, her attention finally caught by the half filled duffel bag.

"It was just a dream."

"Dream! Weren't you paying attention?" Ghost Kerry said, bringing the crutch down toward Sawyer's head.

+++++

"Jesus God," Sawyer said, sitting bolt upright.

She pinched herself sharply and, not trusting the pain, again.

"It was just a dream," she said. Wishing she could bring herself to believe it. Slowly she rose and stuffed the last few bits of clothes into the duffel bag.

Without a last look she left the apartment.

+++++

The time between the last knock and the click of the locks was, objectively, a few seconds.

Subjectively galaxies were born and died.

"Hey," Sawyer said. She had hoped for a smile. Maybe anger. The expressionless glare was hard to take.

"You going somewhere?" Jo asked, looking at the duffel by Sawyer's feet.

Sawyer nodded, mumbled something at the general direction of Jo's belt.

"What?"

"Fort Wayne," Sawyer said. She breathed in another lungful of air and courage. "Fort Wayne. With you. If the invitation is still open. I wasn't sure what to pack so I just brought everything. I thought…"

Jo's eyes closed. "T?"

"Yeah, Jo?"

"The invitation is always open," Jo said, eyes opening and the beginning of a smile appearing.

"Good. Will they, ah… will they be upset if I introduce myself as your girlfriend? As well as work partner."

"Surprised a bit. Not upset. You sure?"

"No," Sawyer said. "I'm just sure I don't have a choice anymore."

"Okay. Well, you want to come in while I finish packing then?"

Sawyer shove kicked her duffel into the hall. "Great. Can I use your phone? I need to make a call."

"Sure. My phone is your phone."

"Thanks," Sawyer said, punching in the ten digits which memory hadn't dimmed. She held her breath for the three rings, breathing in while listening to the receptionist. Breathing out to calm herself.

"Hi," she said. "Can I talk to Dr. Howard?"

THE END