MacDonald’s Restaurant Announces New Vegetarian Lineup

From meat-flavored fries to veggie burgers
Headquarters USA – In a surprise move, MacDonald’s, the biggest damn restaurant chain you could ever imagine, announces a new line of vegetarian burgers. Ronald McDonald, Vice President of Marketing and primary corporate clown said, “It’s not really that far of a stretch for our company. Since over 80% of our burgers are made from soy and intestinal byproducts, making up the difference seems like a logical, cost-efficient next step.”

Popular burgers like the “Big Mac” and “Quarter Pounder with Cheese” will have new names to easily separate the meaty versions from their vegetarian counterparts. The vegetarian Big Mac will be called the “Small and Seemingly Insignificant Mac,” while the vegetarian Quarter Pounder will simply be named the “Neutered Cow.”

When asked how the company would handle the possibility of negative reactions from the cattle industry, Ronald said, “We have no intention of reducing the amount of cattle we put up for slaughter, even though we will be using less meat in our burgers – the juices from the slaughtered cattle have literally dozens of uses. From flavoring our fries, apple pie crusts, McChicken and Filet-O-Fish breading, coffee, and more, our culinary engineers are hard at work finding new uses for old meat everyday. Coca-Cola has even expressed an interest in adding a meat-flavored soda to their popular lineup. The possibilities are endless.”

With the recent popularity of Burger King’s new Veggie Burger, it will be interesting to see how MacDonald’s new lineup will do among the growing vegetarian community. With names like “ Small and Seemingly Insignificant Mac ” and “ Neutered Cow ,” you have to wonder just how serious MacDonald’s is to the success of its new venture. When asked about this very point, Ronald MacDonald had this to say; “You all are forgetting that as a corporation, we gross over 7 million on coffee sales every other day. If we lose a little pandering to some tree-hugging wannabees, we’ll make it up in the end. We just want the misguided vegetarian community-at-large to know that McDonald's is looking out for them.”

Copyright © January 1999 by Mark Morton. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed in any form without contract or permission, but is for sale. Contact Mark Morton if you wish to publish this story in your magazine or periodical.

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