Welcome to J-Rock's page, dedicated to bad, bad horror movies (and the occasional good one). I ain't got all them pretty Flash animations and stuff, so I'll just tell you which movies to watch and which ones to avoid like the food at Denny's!
May 19, 2009
Greetings to all the horror fanatics who came here after seeing my site mentioned on The Vault of Horror! Yes, I haven't written a review in over three years, and with the impending closure of GeoCities, I'm going to migrate this site over to what the kids these days call a "blog." The new site is The Bad Horror Blog
Until I've fully transferred everything, I invite you to read on for some of my funny, silly reviews of classic bad horror movies. I also invite you to check back at the new address once I've set everything up.
Frighteningly yours,
J-Rock
January 27, 2006
Hostel
2006
Written and directed by Eli Roth
Starring: Jay Hernandez, Derek Richardson, Eythor Gudjonsson, Jan Vlasák, and some hot-ass Slovakian chicks whose names end in -ova.
J-Rock's Review: 
Going in, I had pretty high hopes for Hostel - you know, a fun and scary bloodbath, maybe some boobs - the good stuff. More importantly, I knew that it wasn't going to be another Scream clone. I wouldn't say that I was disappointed but, well, I wasn't blown away.
The first hour of the movie is pretty much a drunken travelogue of Eastern Europe, complete with drugs, clubs, hot Dutch sex and everybody's favorite thing in the whole wide world: boobies!!!! Don't get me wrong, I am a BIG fan of hooters - but I was sitting there waiting for something scary/bloody/horrible/cruel to happen. Granted, there were bits and pieces interspersed, but these were mainly to set up the mystery of "What's going on here?" and "Where did our Icelandic friend go?"
So here's the quick recap - after lots o' boobies and partying, people disappear - turns out they're the latest victims of a company that kidnaps wayward travelers so that high-paying clients can torture/dismember/maim/kill them for fun! We later find out that Americans command the highest price - $25,000!! America - fuck yeah!!
One of our heroes, Paxton, manages to escape when the "client" slips and cuts his leg off with a chainsaw - Paxton then grabs a gun and gets the fuck out of there. He's about to take off in a car when he hears the screams of a girl and goes back in to find her (dumbass). After more shooting, and the most disgusting sequence in the movie, they get in the car and take off.
As they're being chased into town, they cross paths with the people who roped them into the whole horrible situation to begin with - and run them down like the shitty dogs they are, biotch!!
And in one final stroke of revenge, Paxton corners the client who paid to kill his buddy and kills the guy in a train station bathroom in Prague.
The one thing that makes this movie so effective is that it's not a nameless, faceless, shapeless creature or human-type being doing the killing - it's regular people, and they're paying for this sick, twisted pleasure. On top of that, it's also scary to think that this definitely could really be happening - a lot of Eastern Europe is still lawless, and what authorities there are could easily be bought off. Plus, people disappear all the time all over the world. And we all know that there are some sickos out there who would enjoy something like this.
Now on the other hand, I'm getting pretty tired of all these recent "horror" movies that have replaced actual scares and fright with cruelty and torture. This one, the Saw series, The Devil's Rejects - none of these flicks has any real imagination - they just feature increasingly brutal displays of inhumanity, and just end up being repulsive and disturbing rather than scary.
More info from IMDB: Hostel
January 23, 2006
J-Rock's first review of 2006!!!
The Devil's Rejects
2005
Written and directed by Rob Zombie
Starring: Sid Haig, Bill Moseley, Sheri Moon and William Forsythe.
J-Rock's Review: Eh, so-so...
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know I haven't written a review since July of '05, but I've been freakin' busy!! I got married in November, honeymooned in St. Maarten, then had to do the holiday thing, then I spent six weeks at SpaceCamp!! Ok, I made that last part up.
Anyway, on to the review.
If you're visiting my site, I'm sure you know that this movie is a sequel to House of 1000 Corpses, which I hated. Rejects is better, but not by a whole lot.
PROS: lots o' boobies! And Sheri Moon's perfect ass again and again!! And even some bush!!! And killing. And Rob Zombie's hot-but-annoying wife Sheri doesn't cackle throughout the entire movie.
CONS: no real "horror." Otis' stupid psuedo-intellectual philosophical rants. And oh yeah, SID HAIG'S FUCKING NUTSACK.
Here's a quick rundown (I wouldn't say a plot recap, since there really wasn't a plot): the psycho killer family is surrounded by the cops - Momma is captured, and Otis and Baby escape. They meet up with Captain Spaulding at a seedy motel, killing some people on the way (Otis even molests one lady with a handgun, shoving it down her panties).
So, Momma is in the custody of Sheriff Wydell, an obsessed cop whose father was a victim of her whacko clan. He beats her up and whatnot, and eventually kills her.
At some point in all this, we're treated to yet another view of Sheri's unbelievably cute ass. She must be really proud of her ass to keep showing it (and I guess Rob loves gloating via this film that "yeah, I'm hittin' that!!").
So the Superfriends head to a brothel run by Charlie (played by Ken Foree - Peter from Dawn of the Dead), a friend of Captain Spaulding's, where they get drunk and high. Meanwhile, Sheriff Wydell confronts Charlie and coerces him into betraying the Firefly family; Wydell has also hired two sadistic bounty hunters (played by all-around badass Danny Trejo and the one and only DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE!!) to help the killers. The bounty hunters show up at the brothel, kill some hos, and beat the shit out of Otis and Captain Spaulding (yay!).
So Sheriff Wideload takes our three misunderstood friends back to their house and ties them firmly to chairs, then proceeds to affix pictures of a few victims to Otis and Baby - with a staple gun! He also puts a bullet or two into Baby's leg(s) for good measure.
For his next trick, the Sheriff nails Otis' hands to the chair - I'm not sure, but I think there was some religious symbolism in this, but since the wacko Christian conservatives didn't protest their fucking heads off, I can't be certain.
Oh yeah, he beats the snot/shit/ever-loving crap out of Captain Spaulding with a 2x4 (I think that's what it was), and then unties Baby and lets her make a run - er, crawl - for it. He pours gasoline all around Otis & the Captain (though like a dumbass, he doesn't pour it ON them) and drops a lighter.
While the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire, Rosco chases the gimpy Baby out into the yard - but Charlie has shown up to help her out - I guess he felt bad about betraying them to the sheriff. However, Charlie's assistance is short-lived, as Wydell puts an axe through his sternum. Ouch.
With Charlie out of the way, Wydell starts whipping Baby with a leather strap, and surprisingly, she doesn't like it.
All seems right with the world; Otis and Captain Spaulding are burning to death and Baby is receiving her violent comeuppance. But, oh me oh my, we forgot about Tiny. That's right, the deformed giant of the Firefly clan. We saw him very early on in the movie, but the cops didn't nab or kill him when they stormed the house - he shows up just in time to snap Wydell's neck and free Otis and the Captain, then walks into the house just before it blows up.
So the Unholy Trinity are reunited, battered and bloody - and they take off again (to the sounds of one of the GREATEST songs ever: Lynyrd Skynyrd's Free Bird).
Their car rolls to a stop on a long desert highway, walled in on both sides by sheer cliffs. The cops have set up a roadblock.
And so our "heroes" do what anyone in their desperate situation would do - they lock and load and tear towards the 5-0. And they all die in a hail of bullets.
THE END
And I wasn't kidding about seeing Sid Haig's ballbag. I'm typing this by talking into my computer, since my retinas were permanently scarred by the sight.
But at least I got a few cheap views of Sheri Moon's fine, fine ass along the way.
July 14, 2005
Undead
2003
Written and directed by Michael & Peter Spierig
Starring: Felicity Mason (see below), Mungo McKay, Rob Jenkins, Lisa Cunningham, Dirk Hunter and Emma Randall.
J-Rock's Review: Not bad for Australia. Beats the pants off of Young Einstein
Ah, a semi-serious comedy-horror flick from Australia...sound familiar? Yup, this is a Peter Jackson-inspired movie (ok, he's from New Zealand, but close enough).
Undead is about a zombie outbreak brought on by meteorites - some of which blast right through people, including an old lady who gets hit by one meteor, but when she tries to get up, gets nailed by another, huge one!
You've got your usual "group of strangers forced to work together to survive" - made up of the nubile Rene, the stupid Wayne and his pregnant girlfriend Sallyanne, the annoying cops Molly and Harrison, and the quiet but strangely knowledgeable weirdo Marion.
Oh yeah, Rene had just been elected Ms. Fish Queen (it's a fishing town) - and to add to the tension, she was picked over Sallyanne (catfight!).
First our friends hide under Marion's house, then they're forced to flee and fight their way out. They try to get out of town, but there's a huge black wall trapping them inside, so they decide to have Wayne fly them over the wall (he's a pilot). There's also this sporadic acid rain that burns clothes, forcing Rene to strip to her undies (very nice). And you see Marion's naked ass too!
Oh yeah, there are some alien spaceships floating overhead, too.
So our heroes stop in town to get supplies and kill a shitload of zombies, then they head to the airport. Along the way, everybody gets mysteriously "beamed up" into the sky except for Wayne, who manages to fly over the wall. While up in the air, he sees all the town's residents floating in mid-air.
As Wayne bails out, the townspeople are lowered back into town and the wall turns out to be more spaceships, which had formed a ring around the town to keep everyone in while they were cured of the zombie disease by the aliens. Ok, the movie doesn't make this very clear, but that's what's going on.
HOWEVER (bum bum buuuummmm), Wayne has thrown a wrench in the works by flying out, because he's still carrying the zombie disease, and the aliens weren't able to cleanse him - so he spreads it again after they've left.
Epilogue: Rene has totally shed her timidity and become a well-armed zombie-watcher - she has all the zombies penned up in her yard, in the hopes that the aliens will return to cure them again.
Ok, so the alien thing was kind of stupid and confusing, and the characters were horribly annoying - for example, the cops kept trying to enforce law and order while people were eating each other around them, and Sallyanne just shrieked in terror the entire movie while Wayne stood there with his thumb up his ass. I know it was supposed to be a comedy, but the "funny" stuff was just annoying.
The Video Graveyard!!
Mullets Galore
The House of Horrors!