Confessions - by Marista
DISCLAIMER: Xena and Gabrielle are property of Universal Studios/MCA. Don’t worry, neither has been harmed during the writing of this story.
Sex: No
Violence: No
Subtext: Yes
Feedback and constructive criticism are welcome. I hope you enjoy the story.
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As they lay there near each other by the campfire Xena reached out for Gabrielle. For the third time in as many nights Xena was rejected as Gabrielle turned away from hand that sought to pleasure her.
"What’s wrong?" asked Xena with concern.
Gabrielle just sighed, her back still to Xena and replied quietly "Nothing."
"Do you still have that headache? The Tennah root I gave you should have cleared that up".
"I don’t have a headache"
"Then what is it? Don’t I satisfy you?"
"Yes, you do."
"Are you still mad about that warlord I killed?"
"No."
"Then I don’t understand. Why don’t you want to make love with me? Don’t you find me attractive anymore?"
"You’re very attractive Xena." Then she whispered to herself "too attractive".
"I’m sorry, I didn’t catch the last thing you said."
Gabrielle was at the boiling point. Her anger and frustration had been buried within her too long. She sat up abruptly, her feelings clearly displayed in her features; she turned to face the strikingly beautiful warrior. But as she turned she noted that Xena looked even more beautiful in the dying firelight. The sight took her breath away and she felt her anger melt away, but the frustration was still present. She simply turned her head away.
Gabrielle looked at her and turned her head away quickly, but Xena saw the rage of emotions on Gabrielle’s face. In her concern she placed her hand on Gabrielle’s back. Gabrielle jumped and stood up.
"Enough!" Gabrielle said more harshly that she meant too. She had to remember that her friend was keen and wise in most matters of life, but she sorely lacked in mattes of the heart. Xena had no idea what was bothering Gabrielle, and that was the exact problem.
"Xena, I cannot go on like this."
"I’m sorry. If I’d realized you no longer wanted to be with me I would not have pursued it. I wish you had said something before it caused you anger."
"No Xena, that’s not it. Making love to you is like stepping into the Elysian fields. I can’t think of anything in the whole world I would rather do."
"Then what’s the problem?"
"The problem is that you’re not mine. Every town we go into there are men and women waiting to lay with you. I know you can’t control that, you just attract them. But I hate the fact that you have sex with others, because… I am hopelessly in love with you. I know we agreed this was just casual sex between friends and yes I said you were free to share yourself with whomever you wanted, but if I see you in one more tavern corner making out I am going to go insane. Xena I need more than you reaching out to me on nights when there’s no one else around. I need you to be with me, and me alone. Let the others look and flirt, but you’ll be only with me. The problem is that I don’t think that’s something you’d agree to, or are even capable of. So by saying this, I’ve probably just ended the best thing that’s ever happened to me." With the last statement the tears started flowing from Gabrielle’s eyes.
Xena stood dumbfounded for a second. She was startled because she had no idea of Gabrielle’s feelings.
She cautiously walked up to Gabrielle and took her in her arms. Gabrielle was sure this would be the last physical contact she would have with the warrior, so she allowed it. Xena held Gabrielle close, gently stroking her hair. Gabrielle couldn’t help but think how perfectly their bodies fit together, like they were made for each other. After a few long moments, Xena pulled back. She put her hand under Gabrielle’s chin and lifted her head so they could look each other in the eye.
"I had no idea you felt that way Gabrielle. I don’t understand, if you felt this way, why did you agree?"
"Because I thought that loving you part of the time, was better than not at all. And I sort of hoped that once we were together you would lose eyes for anyone else. Guess I was wrong. Just let me stay the night and I’ll get out of your way tomorrow morning."
"Gabrielle! You want to leave?"
"No, I can’t stand the thought of not being near you every day, but after what I just said I didn’t think you’d want me hanging around. Besides there are people lined up waiting to travel with you. I’d only be in the way."
"No, Gabrielle, please. I don’t want you to leave, and I don’t want another traveling companion. Sure I could get someone else, but I want you."
"No, like I said I can’t watch you with others anymore."
"What if I stopped?"
Gabrielle’s head popped up in surprise. She looked deeply into the warrior’s eyes. "You’re serious?!"
"Very serious."
"No, it still wouldn’t work. You’re too much of a free spirit. You would grow to despise me within a year, maybe even sooner."
"I could never hate you."
"Perhaps. But I’m sure you’d tire of me."
"Gabrielle, you’re important to me. You are my definition of love. And without you I’m nothing. I want to be honest with you. I love you as a friend. The reason why, is that I never allowed my feelings towards you blossom. I suppressed my feelings because I always assumed you wanted something more."
"More? What could be more than you?"
"How about children, a stable home, building a life in one of these small towns…"
Gabrielle cut Xena off. "No! No way Xena. Remember I couldn’t stomach living that kind of life, that’s why I followed you in the first place. Do you think there’s really a chance you could love me… and only me?"
Xena stood silent for a few moments. Her eyes and thoughts turned inward. She ceased her inner reflections and looked Gabrielle in the eye.
"Yes, I believe I can. Actually I think it’s what I’ve always wanted, but never dared hope for."
Xena captured Gabrielle’s mouth in a deep kiss. Although they had been with each other physically dozens of times, this kiss reflected what was in the others heart for the first time. Without a doubt, it was known by them both that there was no one else for them except each other.
Finis -- December 2001