FBI
STORMS MITNICK'S HOME!
THREE
HOUSES BURNED TO THE GROUND!
MORE
THAN TEN KILLED!
'Collateral
damage a tragic necessity.' Asserts Attorney General.
"We were
justified in using such high levels of deadly force proactively." said
the Attorney General in a press conference immediately after the fiery
conclusion of the predawn raid of the residence of the notorious hacker, Kevin
Mitnick, that resulted in the deaths of Mitnick, his father, other family
members, and their pets.
In addition to the
total destruction of the house, the adjoining houses on either side were
burned to the ground and their residents killed, as well, some by the flames,
others by the hail of bullets shot off as the FBI, ATF, and federalized local
police paramilitary troops stormed the house.
"In the
ceaseless war against crime, we must from time to time accept collateral
damage. The loss of a few innocent lives is a small price to pay for the
safety of society, and our homeland's security," the Attorney General
said as he personally decorated the each of the assembled SWAT Troops with the
Distinguished Service Cross, and their commander, Lon Horiuchi, with the Medal
of Honor, and on behalf of the President, bestowed the Presidential Unit
Citation on the unit as a whole.
"He was
believed to be heavily armed--we had information from
reliable informants the flowers in vases within his dwelling had pistils and
mortars hidden inside them, along with stamens--assault
weapons or destructive devices of some sort--the agents'
lives would have been at great risk had we not conducted the raid along these
lines. "
"He was a
menace to Society and Homeland Security."
"He was
slapping his father. We had to act to prevent elder abuse. Deadly force was
justified. The only way we could save his father was to burn the house down
with them in it. We did it for the sake of the elders."
"We carried it
out with scrupulous attention to the guidelines for such urban tactical
operations as laid down by Brigadier General Jurgen Stroop in his classic
urban-warfare operations manual: 'The Warsaw Ghetto Is No More.'
"We exercised
restraint--we did not call in artillery fire. Nor did we
order in air strikes by A-10 tank-buster ground-attack planes with smart
bombs, rockets, napalm, and 30mm depleted-uranium cannon shells."
"We
limited the attack to tear gas, military automatic-weapons small-arms fire,
concussion grenades--I mean, 'distraction devices'--and
hand-thrown incendiary--oops, I mean 'tear gas' devices, and
armored assault--I mean 'rescue'--vehicles."
As a final act of
"closure", the President pardoned all of the goons--excuse
me, I mean 'law' enforcers involved, including Lon Horiuchi, the sniper who
popped Vicky Weaver, who was drafted to lead the kill-squad assigned to pop
Mitnick. Unconfirmed rumors state that Horiuchi killed the hacker at a range
of six inches with a single shot to the left eye with his FBI-issued Remington
700 sniper rifle.
"An
outstanding display of marksmanship!" declared the FBI Director proudly.
The Homeland Security chief personally bestowed the Distinguished Expert
Rifleman's Medal upon Horiuchi as well.
Afterwards, the
entire federal SWAT Team were personally congratulated by Tsutomu Shimomura
and John Markoff, who presented autographed copies of TAKEDOWN to each SWAT
commando, who wore the new unit insignia, complete with this motto,
prominently featured:
N