This is the spoof fic I've announced a while ago. If you want to know
what it refers to, look to the (in)famous picture of Shannon Baksa as
Mara on the SW Insider cover, or to be more exact, to her *hairdo* on
that picture *grin*.

Please R&R and *have fun*!

Devi

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Bad Hair Day

by Devi

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Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars, LFL does. I didn't invent Mara,
Timothy Zahn did. (duh!) I didn't invent the coiffure that this fic
is based on, either. In other words, I'm not to blame!!

Ah yes, and of course I'm not making any money out of this. I'm just
a harmless fan writing for fun; and who would pay for this stuff,
anyhow?

Also, I want to state that I don't mean any disrespect to Mara, Luke,
or their fans. The purpose of this fic is to make fun of the
strange "big hair" coiffure that Shannon Baksa was given for
appearing as Mara Jade (cf. the Decipher card and SW Insider cover),
*not* to ridicule Mara herself, or to hurt the feelings of my fellow
L/M fans. This is a spoof fic, alright, a humorous piece, it does
*not* reflect what I would seriously want to happen to Luke or Mara
(guess you'll figure that yourself, but I write it down just in case).

Rating: PG-13

____________________________________________________________

**newsflash - extra extra** CORUSCANT The whole galaxy is stunned
with shock and grief as the news of the unexpected demise of Jedi
Master Luke Skywalker spreads out. (holoimages: weeping people in the
street)

The exact cause of his death has still to be determined; however,
there are eyewitness accounts which state that Skywalker accidentally
choked to death under his wife's enormous fluffy hair while
sleeping.

(We are treated to a holoimage of Mara Jade Skywalker. Next to her
are Leia, Leia's Noghri bodyguards, Han Solo, and a bunch of other
grief-stricken people. Mara is dressed in black, as it befits a
grieving widow. As the black shawl/veil with which she has covered
her head slips off, it reveals her enormous fluffy mane of red-gold
*hair*, which looks windswept even thought it is a day without the
slightest breeze. Her face is pale, and her eyes are reddened from
extensive crying. As she gives her account of events for the camera,
her speech is punctuated by heartrending sobs.)

Mara: I...I think I must have turned around while I was sleeping, and
my hair fell over my husband's face. When... when I woke up... I woke up
from feeling my Luke dying... (She covers her face with her hands,
sobbing.)

(Takes a deep breath: ) I...I tried to get my hair out of his face, but
I wasn't fast enough. I...I couldn't get it off. (Mara cries
desperately. Han wraps his arm around her to comfort her and keep her
from collapsing as one of the Noghri continues the account of events.)

Whateverakh (in a grating Noghri voice): The Son of Vader was
completely entangled in fluffy hair. It looked like a giant bird's
nest.

Mara (in a horror-filled voice): The... hair! It was everywhere! In his
nostrils... in his mouth... it was so fluffy... it tried to get my husband
out from it, but I couldn't... There was too much of it. Fluffy hair
everywhere. All fluffy and red-gold. Fluffy! So fluffy! Oh, the
horror! (Mara has gotten really hysterical now. She breaks into
another fit of crying.)

Whateverakh: The consort of the Son of Vader did her best to save
him, but even ten Noghri warriors would have been powerless against
the might of the fluffy hair. The Lady Vader had to come with her
lightsaber and cut the Son of Vader out from his consort's hair.

(On closer inspection, Mara's hair indeed looks as if parts of it
have been randomly cut away with a lightsaber, but there is still
more than enough of it left to form a formidable fluffy red-gold halo
around her head.)

(Leia is the next one to speak. She, too, is dressed in black, but in
the form of a formal royal robe. She looks the image of dignity,
every inch a true Alderaanian princess; but it's also plain to see
that she's on the brink of tears.)

Leia: I felt this terrible disturbance in the Force...

Han (chiming in): You see, my dear wifey does have Force abilities,
even though most of you think she's just some wimpy politician.

Leia: Yes, so, I sensed this disturbance in the Force. I rushed to
the scene and found my brother all entangled in his wife's hair. I
cut through the hair, but my brother had suffocated before I... before
I... (Now it's Leia who breaks into a fit of crying. Somehow, she
manages to look dignified nevertheless.)

News reporter: Mrs. Jade Skywalker, were you aware of the deadly
propensities of your hair?

Mara (in an icy tone - she realizes she's being accused): What do you
mean?

News reporter: I mean, if your hair is as dangerous as you yourself
have admitted it is, why didn't you cut it off, or at least wear a
hair net at night, so as to not endanger the life of your husband and
other innocent people?

Bystander #1 (chiming in): She can't cut it off! It's where she
stores all her Force powers! In her hair! That's why it's always so
fluffy!

Leia: That's nonsense! Don't listen to this man, he isn't even Force
sensitive himself.

Bystander #1: How do you know?

Leia: Because *I* am Force sensitive! I'm the daughter of the Chosen
One, for crying out loud! I have more midi-chlorians in me than you
have brain cells; and I assure you that Force powers CAN'T BE STORED
IN HAIR! (reverts to her usual diplomatic persona) Ahem, please
excuse me for shouting. We are all a bit tense because of our... recent
tragedy. (looks straight into the camera with a perfect "brave and
dignified in the face of loss" expression and dabs at her eyes with a
lace-bordered princess-quality handkerchief)

News reporter: No, let's no digress from the topic here. Mrs. Jade
Skywalker, couldn't one think that you *deliberately* exposed your
husband to the dangers of your fluffy hair, considering that you had
taken an oath to kill Luke Skywalker and avenge the death of Emperor
Palpatine?

Mara (offended): That was *years* ago!

News reporter (unrelenting): Was your marriage to Skywalker just a
clever ploy to get closer to your target? You stated to the
investigators that your husband's body vanished because that's what
happens when Jedi Masters die; but perhaps you *made* it vanish
because you were afraid that the autopsy report could incriminate you.

(Everyone, especially the news reporter, cowers in fear as Mara draws
her lightsaber. It's not Anakin Skywalker's saber for a change, but
her old Emperor's Hand lightsaber. The purple of its blade clashes
awfully with the red-gold of her hair.)

Mara: That's enough! If nobody believes me, if I can't even mourn for
my husband in peace, I better end this useless life! (She tries to
impale herself on her own lightsaber blade, but is stopped by Leia
who, with the help of the Noghri, efficiently wrestles the saber from
her hands.)

Han: Leave her alone! Can't you see she's innocent!

News reporter (unrelenting, to Mara): Still, your hair is a menace to
society. Shouldn't you shave your head to prevent further tragedies?

Mara: That won't help. My hair just grows back to fast, and it stay
fluffy, no matter what I do.

Bystander #2 (from the background): Maybe we should dunk her in a
lava pit to keep her hair from growing back! It worked with Darth
Vader!

Bystander #1(pushing forward): She won't shave off her hair because
that's where she stores all her Force powers! Without her hair, she
would be nothing. (Mara draws her blaster and shoots a stun bolt at
him to shut him up.)

Mara: What are you staring at me? It was set to `stun'!

Mara: I think this galaxy deserves to hear the truth about my hair.
When I was a child, the Empire performed secret experiments on me.
(everyone gasps and stares) I was biologically altered to make me
stronger, faster, smarter...

Bystander #3: ...more seductive! (Mara shoots a stun bolt at him, then
holds up her blaster and changes the setting to `kill' before she
resumes her narration.)

Mara: I was given memory-enhancing drugs to prepare me for my work as
the Emperor's Hand (Everyone gasps and stares, only more than before.
It's the first time that Mara has publicly, on camera, admitted to
having been an EH.) As a side-effect of those treatments, my hair was
permanently altered. It's growth was accelerated, it became extremely
fluffy and permanently red-gold. What, did you think that was my
natural hair color? It used to be brown. I mean, can you name
*anyone* who was born with red-gold hair?

Bystander #4: Bria Tharen!

Han: That person never existed! The whole story was just made up to
discredit me! My Leia is my first and *only* true love. (kisses Leia
on the mouth) Or did you really believe that Han Solo could have ever
become a pathetic lovesick little puppy over some no-good chick just
because she's got red-gold hair?

(Mara glares at him.)

Han: No offense intended.

News reporter (to Mara): So you are saying that the Empire is to
blame?

Leia: Mara, no! Think of how long it took us to negotiate that peace
treaty!

Mara: Stuff the peace treaty! In a free galaxy, it must be permitted
to name the Empire's atrocities. The Ghorman Massacre. The
destruction of Alderaan. My fluffy hair. I'm a casualty of the
Empire! My husband is a casualty of the Empire! F*** Palpatine!! I
hate the Empire!! I'm ashamed that I served that system!! F*** the
Empire!!!

Leia (ever the diplomat): Even though what my sister-in-law says
can't be fully dismissed, I want to make it clear that we are aware
that Palpatine is dead, and that the Imperial Remnant of today
doesn't deserve to be compared to what the Empire used to be. The New
Republic respects the Imperials' right to live according to their
convictions.

(Mara scowls.)

~

BASTION A spokeswoman for the provisional Government of the Imperial
remnant recently denied that the unnatural fluffiness and red-
goldiness of Mara Jade Skywalker's hair was caused by ethically
questionable Imperial experiments.

(Archive footage of Mara Jade, with her hair spreading itself out
around her head in all its fluffy red-gold splendor. Then we are
treated to the holoimage of the Imperial spokeswoman, who is standing
in her office. On the wall behind her are framed portraits of Emperor
Palpatine, Darth Vader, Grand Moff Tarkin, Ysanne Isard, and Grand
Admiral Thrawn. Above them is a banner with the inscription "Proud to
live the Imperial Way". The spokeswoman is dressed in an olive
Imperial uniform and looks like a younger, chubbier Isard.)

Imperial spokeswoman: The Empire has never, I repeat: *never*,
conducted any experiments on human children. Mara Jade Skywalker is a
pathological liar. This woman never was an Emperor's Hand, I have the
files to prove it. She has betrayed the Empire and married a Rebel
who has the blood of countless loyal Imperials on his hands. And I
dare to say `Rebel', even though nowadays we have to call them
the `New Republic'. I refuse to give up my right to freedom of speech
for the sake of being politically correct. The truth is that the
fluffiness of Jade Skywalker's hair is due to a botched perm and the
constant misuse of her Force powers.

Bystander #1 (watching the news report on a big viewscreen): I knew
it!!

~

CORUSCANT (holoimages of Mara, who has cut off her hair, and now
(with the help of Leia) proceeds to remove the rest of it with hot
wax, the kind that is normally used for removing leg hair, while Kyp
is looking on)

Mara: I'm a casualty of the Empire, and I'm not the only one! I
refuse to give up my right to freedom of speech for the sake of being
politically correct. An Empire that transforms hair into a deadly
weapon must be fought! I still know enough Imperial secrets to bring
those folks up in Bastion down to their knees! (Leia rips a wax strip
from her head) OUCH!

Kyp Durron: I still don't think it's wise to destroy a powerful
superweapon like your hair. We could breed more of this hair and use
it against the enemies of the New Republic.

Mara: SHUDDUP!

Leia: You have to excuse her, she's just having a bad hair day.

~FIN~