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Little Johny
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class.
One
day.
It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the
chalkboard.
Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the
class.
She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?""Well
teacher,
I
just saw one of your garters.""Get out of my classroom,"
she
yells, "I
don't want to see you for three days.
"The teacher turns back to
the
chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment;
she
reaches to the very top of the chalkboard.
Suddenly there is an
even louder
giggle from another male student.
She quickly turns and asks,
"What's so
funny Billy?""Well miss, I just saw both of your garters.
"Again
she yells,
"Get out of my classroom!"
This time the punishment is more
severe, "I
don't want to see you for three weeks.
"Embarrassed and
frustrated, she
drops the eraser when she turns around again.
So she bends over
to pick it
up.
This time there is an burst of laughter from another male
student.
She
quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
"Where
do you
think you are going?" she asks.
"Well teacher, from what I just
saw, my
school days are over."
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Childbirth Report
A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his
parents, "How was I born?"
"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork
brought you to us."
"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?"
he asked.
"Oh, the stork brought us too."
"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.
"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent,
by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.
Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the
teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:
"This report has been very difficult to write because there
hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three
generations."
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Two Lawyers
Two lawyers met at a cocktail party.
"How's business?" asked the first.
"Rotten," replied the other.
"Yesterday, I chased an
ambulance for twenty miles.
When I finally caught up to it,
there was already another lawyer hanging on to the bumper."
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To Sell A Car
One day a blonde was trying to sell her car,
but she just couldn't sell it because it had too many miles on it.
Her friend told her that she knew someone that could illegally roll
back the odometer so it would look like there were less miles on it.
And so she did.
A few weeks later after she had gotton her odometer rolled back,
her friend asked her if she had sold her car yet.
The blonde replied:
"Heck no, with so few miles on it, I might as well keep this car!"
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Sem Ting
Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese
restaurants, shops, signs and banners.
He turns a corner and sees a
building
with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."
"Hans Olaffsen?" he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"
So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the
counter.
The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Hans Olaffsen's
Laundry?"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"
"Me, is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this
country, was stand in line at Documentation Centre. Man in front was big
blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, "What your name?" He say, "Hans
Olaffsen." Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'"
"I say, Sem Ting."
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The Eternal Game
There are these two guys named John and Cliff. They were best
friends and were so obsessed with baseball that they would go
to 60 games a year and analyze every scoreboard. They even
promised each other that when one of them goes to heaven, the
deceased one would come back and tell the other whether there
was baseball in heaven or not.
One night Cliff dies in his sleep after watching a Chicago
White Sox game -- Chicago won, so at least he died a happy
man. The next day Cliff returns to earth to see his friend.
"Hi, John."
"Cliff, is it really you?"
"Hey, I told you I'd be back to tell you what's up. And, you
know John, there's good news and bad news."
"Okay. What's the good news?"
"There is baseball in heaven."
"The bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
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Reach Out For The Stars
Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources
person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT what kind of a
salary he was looking for.
"In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the
benefits package."
"Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks
vacation,
14 paid holidays,
full medical and dental,
company
matching retirement fund to 50% of salary,
and a company car
leased every 2 years...say, a red Corvette?"
"Wow! Are you kidding?"
"Yeah, but you started it."
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Let Us Pray
A man was robbing a house in the middle of the night. All of
a sudden, he heard a parrot cry out.
"Jesus is gonna get you." The robber ignored it, and takes
the TV. Again, the parrot cries out.
"Jesus is gonna get you." The robber started to get a little
worried.
"What's your name, birdie?"
"Moses."
"What dummy named you Moses?"
"The same dummy who called his rottweiler Jesus."
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Football coach
A football coach walked into the locker room before a game,
looked over to his star player and said,
"I'm not supposed to
let you play since you failed math,
but we need you in there.
So, what I have to do is ask you a math question,
and if you
get it right, you can play."
The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes
intently and asks,
"Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me
the answer to this.
What is two plus two?"
The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?"
"Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it
right.
At that, all the other players on the team began screaming,
"Come on coach, give him another chance!"
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Football Crazy
Two football players, Bubba and Tiny, were taking an
important exam.
If they failed, they would be on academic
probation and not allowed to play in the big game the
following week.
The exam was "fill in the blank" and the last
question read, "Old MacDonald had a_____."
Bubba was stumped
-- he had no idea what to answer, but hee knew he needed to
get this one right to be sure he passed.
Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny in
the shoulder.
"Tiny, what's the answer to the last question?"
Tiny laughed, then looked around to make sure the professor
hadn't noticed.
He turned to Bubba and said, "Bubba, you're
so stupid. Everyone knows that Old MacDonald had a FARM."
"Oh yeah," said Bubba, "I remember now." he picked up his No.
2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank.
Then
he stopped. Tapping Tiny on the shoulder, he whispered,
"Tiny, how do you spell farm?"
"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy," hissed Tiny,
"farm is spelled 'E-I-E-I-O'." |
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That's Fish Story
Standing at the edge of a lake, a man saw a woman flailing
about in the deep water.
Unable to swim, the man screamed for
help. A trout fisherman ran up.
The man said, "My wife is
drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a
hundred dollars."
The fisherman dove into the water.
In ten powerful strokes,
he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back
to shore.
Depositing her at the feet of the man, the
fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred?"
The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third
time, I thought it was my wife.
But this is my mother-in-
law."
The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my
luck. How much do I owe you?"
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