Flame Wars: Episode II Attack of the Trolls
A long time ago in a newsgroup far, far away... There is unrest in the Usenet Senate, several hundred newsgroups have declared their intentions to leave the Republic. The separatist movement, under the leadership of Count Chandler, has made it difficult for the limited number of Jedi Trolls to maintain peace and order in Usenet. Senator Jane-atalia, the former Queen of Iowa, is returning to the Usenet Senate to vote on the critical issue of creating a Cyberstreet Army to assist the overwhelmed Jedi... Captain Bryan: We've arrived in the Lakers NG. Guess I was wrong. There was no danger at all. Jane-atalia and her guards exit the ship when suddenly there is huge explosion. Captain Bryan: Senator, are you alright? Jane-atalia: No I'm not. I can't wait to tell the gang how I nearly died today. The Senate Chambers Mas Viker: Order! The motion for the Republic to commission a cyberstreet army takes precedent, and that is what we will vote on at this time......... Ask Ironside: Excuse me. I've just received some tragic news. Jane has just been assassinated! Chancellor Bozak: yeah right......lol... Ask Ironside: How many more Senators are going to die? We need to confront the rebels and we need a cyberstreet army to do it! Jane-atalia: Sweetie, the reports of my death are premature. I survived... barely. However all the illegal immigrants that Bry hired to guard me, died in the explosion. Chancellor Bozak: lol.....becky going to the sympathy card already.... Jane-atalia: Good grief. Will the Senate continue to allow Dennis to mock me? Or will you simply scold him by private email? Mas Viker: In the old days, the Senate wouldn't have tolerated this type of behavior...... but now because boZit shares their liberal ideology.... nothing but silence from them..... Jane-atalia: Viker has a good point. The liberals feel constrained from criticizing him because well, um...Dennis is black. Chancellor Bozak: lol...this is by far the weakest shit you've come up with becky.....yeah like ive never been criticized before....only a psycho like becky would agree with victim44..... Jane-atalia: As I was saying before Dennis rudely interrupted me...Less than an hour ago, an assassination attempt was made on my life. Because I have led the opposition to create this new cyberstreet army, obviously someone here wanted me out of the way. Mas Viker: Gotta disagree with you here Jane....... we would've voted in favor of the army with or without you...... we ARE the cyberspace police...... therefore we need to take out all the terrorists and conquer all the terrorist newsgroups one by one......... and we need an army for that........ Jane-atalia: I warn you. If you vote to create this cyberstreet army, there will be non-stop flame wars. Chancellor Bozak: its late.... we'll meet again tomorrow to discuss this.....by the way..... im going to walmart today for the first time.... anyone want to come? Mas Viker: I'll join you!!!!!! Chancellor Bozak: you joining me??? Mas Viker: Yeah..... I'll do anything to avoid debating JW! Chancellor Bozak: well im not actually going shopping..... Mas Viker: Then what are we doing?????? Chancellor Bozak: youll see....lol....:-) Jane-atalia: Dennis, why not get a job so that you don't have so much free time on your hands? Chancellor's Office Chancellor Bozak: i don't know how much longer i can hold off the vote.... more and more newsgroups are joining the seperatists.... Branden Windu: If they do break away, they must realize there aren't enough Jedi to protect the Republic. What do you sense, Master? Bullyoda: The dark side clouds everything. The future is impossible to tell even with Bullyo's 100% correct prediction accuracy rating. Jane-atalia: Do you know who was behind the attack? Branden Windu: Our investigation revealed some bloody gloves from OJ. Jane-atalia: Sweetie, OJ is a sweet and wonderful man who wouldn't step on an ant. I believe Count Chandler was behind it. Branden Windu: He's a conservative anarchist not a murderer. Bullyoda: In dark times, nothing is what it appears to be but the fact remains, Jano is in danger. Chancellor Bozak: i suggest the senator be placed under the protection of one of your jedi trolls.... Branden Windu: I will have Mithra-Wan Kenobi report to you immediately. Jane-atalia: Can't you send someone else? I think he is more interested in watching CNBC than protecting me. Branden Windu: I'll have to speak to him about that. Bullyoda: Brando, tell that bitch to stop whining. In the meantime, Bullyo needs to fly back down to Mexico. Bullyo had an unfortunate incident where one of his factories burned down so Bullyo will need to guide the rebuilding of his factory. But Bullyo has a message for all his fans. Bullyo shall return. Captain Bryan: Master Bullyoda, when you return, can you bring back some more illegal immigrants for me? Later... Mithra-Wan: You're sweating. Relax. Christopher Petrowalker: I haven't seen her in 10 years Master. She must be over 100 years old by now. Here, put some more oil on me. Mithra-Wan: Do it yourself! Christopher: Master, what was up with Master Branden? He seemed to think you were slacking off on the job. Mithra-Wan: Yeah, he seemed to think I'm not working because I have CNBC on all day but I told him it's just for background noise! Christopher: I don't think he bought it. Mithra-Wan: Well at least I'm not surfing for porn at work like you do. Captain Bryan: Senator, the Jedi are here. Jane-atalia: Ben, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be studying the bond market or something? Mithra-Wan: I can't when I have to babysit Jedi boy. Jane-atalia: Chris? Is that you? My goodness, you've grown. Christopher: Yeah I've been hitting the weightroom like a MADMAN. Jane-atalia: Well it's late so if you'll excuse me, I will retire for the evening. Christopher: Master, did you see that? She hardly recognized me. Mithra-Wan: Maybe you should post more accurate pics of yourself. -- Skyscraper Ledge at Night Chrsan Wesell: i hit the ship but jane survived. Jitrping Fett: We'll have to try something else. Chrsan: don't worry, i'll use this shotgun. Jitpring Fett: You know how to use that? Chrsan: um... i got the instructions right here. would it be better if I sawed it off? -- Jane-atalia's Apartment Building Jane-atalia is asleep in bed. Mithra-Wan: What's going on? Christopher: She covered the cameras. But don't worry, I can sense everything in that room. Mithra-Wan: It's too risky. Your senses aren't that attuned......wait.....is that a Rick Fox poster on her ceiling I sense? Christopher: Yeah, I wrote that part. I gave her a poster of myself but she insisted on Fox. I have no idea why. I mean, I have more grease on my body than he does on his hair. Mithra-Wan: You should stop thinking about her. Be mindful of your thoughts, they betray you. Christopher: How do you know what I'm thinking? Are you a mindreader? Mithra-Wan: I have $10 bucks that says you're thinking of Bozak. Christopher: Ok, now write the cheque out to "Christopher Petrohilos". I'll be expecting it. Mithra-Wan: Yeah whatever. Christopher: You know Master, I can never understand how you can believe in the power of the Net but not in God. Mithra-Wan: You still have much to learn my young following bitch. Christopher: We don't know one way or the other whether God exists which is why I'm agnostic. Mithra-Wan: No one knows for sure whether the Easter Bunny exists either. That doesn't make it's existence any more likely. Christopher: Please list all the unexplained phenomena that could be attributable to the Easter Bunny. Mithra-Wan: Easter Bunny leaving eggs for children to find. Christopher: I can see why I'm the following bitch and you're the master. Meanwhile Chrsan approaches outside the window. Chrsan: perfect timing. those two are going to argue for months! they'll never detect me while they're arguing with each other. now where is jane's bedroom at? ...there she is. say goodbye granny.... wait... damn she's hot. much better looking than those naked african women on national geographic. -- Christopher: Ok Mr. Atheist. Since you claim that God didn't create the universe, you must know who did. Mithra-Wan: Get real. It doesn't mean we automatically know the answer. If you come across any new evidence, I will gladly review it. Christopher: Then you should have said you were agnostic from the start. Mithra-Wan: An agnostic suspends judgement on whether God exists. I make a judgement. You should get to know the difference my young following bitch. Christopher: Wait..do you sense that? Mithra-Wan and Christopher burst into the room. Christopher: What is this? Chrsan: uh oh. Mithra-Wan: Chrsysan, are you masturbating over Jane? That is sick! Chrsan: crickets. that's none of your business saget. now haul ass! Mithra-Wan: Give it up Chrsysan. You're surrounded. Chrsan: you don't scare me saget. you have the muscle mass of a 12 year old. Christopher: You'll have to excuse my master. He's a bit of a weener.. er I mean muscle challenged. Chrsan: how can saget be your master? Christopher: Well, he looks like my idol Bruce Lee minus the body. Mithra-Wan: Being muscle challenged is a choice. But being mentally challenged isn't, which is why I have great empathy for you. Christopher: I'm just mindfucked. There's a difference! Chrsan: saget, hit the gym, pencil neck! Mithra-Wan: You two should get along just fine. You both think you are buff and you both think are you are heterosexual. Christopher: Going to the homo card again? Mithra-Wan: Feel free to find the first time I used it. Christopher: Deny it first, then I'll waste time proving you are a liar. Mithra-Wan: Why don't you prove it first? Christopher: Deny it first. So far you have not denied it so why should I waste my time refuting a statement you aren't even making? Mithra-Wan: I don't need to deny it. You made a claim. Now back it up or shut up. Christopher: Why do I need to back it up when you're not even denying it? Mithra-Wan: If you can't back it up, your claim is meaningless. Chrsan: um excuse me, can i say something? Mithra-Wan: No! Christopher: And Master, I never said I was buff. I just post pics of myself and let other people judge for themselves. Chrsan: hey let me see your pics....... Christopher: Sure. Chrsan: WOW! WE'RE NOT WORTHY! Christopher: If you want more pics, tell us who sent you. Chrsan: it was a bounty hunter called..... Suddenly Chrsan is shot. Chrsan: i'm dying. i hardly got any lines in with those two babbling on and on. Mithra-Wan: What the? Christopher: What is it, Master? Mithra-Wan: A fluorescent light. -- Branden Windu: Mithra, you must track down this bounty hunter. Mithra-Wan: What about the Senator? Branden Windu: Have Christopher escort her back to Iowa. Christopher: You mean we're going on a date? It might be hard to convince her. She can be pretty stubborn. Branden Windu:..... Christopher: Master? Did you hear me? Branden Windu:..... Mithra-Wan: I think he has you killfiled. Branden Windu: Will you stop defeating my killfile?! -- Chancellor Bozak: so jerki boi.....they've finally given you an assignment.... Christopher: Thanks to your guidance. You're such an ass-hole. I just followed your lead. Chancellor Bozak: you dont need my guidance marsha.....in time you'll learn to trust your feelings.....i see you becoming the greatest following bitch ever........ Christopher: Ever since you took me out of your killfile, it's been no fun! Please put me back in your killfile! Chancellor Bozak: lol... never again..... Christopher: Damn! I knew I shouldn't have chipped in for that gift! -- Jane-atalia: Chris, I don't like the idea of hiding. Christopher: Don't call me that. Jane-atalia: Sweetie, I call you Chris to remind you that you are a real person and not some Jedi Boy corrupting Cyberspace. Christopher: If you say so, "Rebecca". Jane-atalia: Well I guess it's time to go. Mithra-Wan: Christopher, be careful. Don't do anything stupid. And may the Net be with you. Christopher: May God be with you. Mithra-Wan: If you have evidence that God exists.... Jane-atalia: Good grief. Not again.... Mithra-Wan: You're right. I will argue this with Warped later in the parody. Everyone: NOOOOOOO!!!! Mithra-Wan: Ok, fine I won't.... (well maybe for a little while) Captain Bryan: Any idea how you're going to find that bounty hunter? Mithra-Wan: Yeah. This fluorescent light. Master Branden, you have any idea where I can track this? Branden Windu: Use the Net. Punch in the name Jackson Eskew in the people search link. Jane-atalia: Good grief. Branden, you know full well the problems you could create by posting a full name rather than a first name. Mithra-Wan: You mean like this? Hmm.... it says here that Jackson Eskew lives in North Hollywood, CA 91602. - Iowa Jane-atalia: Sweetie, are you allowed to love? I thought it was forbidden for a Jedi. Christopher: It is. They won't allow me to have sex with women. Jane-atalia: How awful for you. Christopher: Not really. Nowhere does it say we can't have sex with men. -- North Hollywood Mithra-Wan: Let's see if anyone is home. Warped: What the? Ben what are you doing here? Mithra-Wan: I was going to ask you the same thing. Don't you live in San Diego? Warped: Yeah but...You came all this way to battle me? Mithra-Wan: Actually no. Warped: Stop delaying. This time we will battle to the death! And I will convince you that God exists! Mithra-Win: You will never convince me! Warped: Prepare to be convinced! Mithra-Wan: Um, I promised I wouldn't argue about this anymore. Warped: Scared? Mithra-Wan: What? That's it! Let's go right now! 2 hours later. Mithra Wan: We're getting sidetracked. We better get back to the plot. Warped: Right. I understand you're here to check up on our progress. Mithra-Wan: I am? Oh yeah that's right. I guess I am. Warped: We are right on schedule for the Troll army. Mithra-Wan: Troll army? Warped: Yes we have cloned them. Mithra-Wan: Clone? Warped: Yes. Mithra-Wan: Are clones alive? Do they have souls? Does God or science explain that? Warped: Not again. Can we just agree to disagree? Mithra-Wan: No! We will discuss this after the parody is over! Warped: Fine. Do you have any other questions? Mithra-Wan: Yes, who is the original host for these clones? Warped: A bounty hunter named Jitpring Fett. Mithra-Wan: Take me to him. -- Jitpring Fett: Who the hell are you? Are you Wolner? Mithra-Wan: No. Jitpring Fett: Well, love, if you see that punk ass, tell him if he ever pays me a visit, I'll have a surprise waiting for him. Mithra-Wan: Why don't you tell him yourself. Jitpring Fett: I did, love. I threatened him by email and he complained to my ISP! It may be today, tomorrow, or 3 years from now, but I will make him pay! I guarantee it! I vow it! Mithra-Wan: Don't call me love. You must be proud of these clones. Jitpring Fett: Yeah I use them to invade Dr. Laura's newsgroup. What do you want? Mithra-Wan: Have you seen this flourescent light before? Jitpring Fett: NOOOOOO!!!!!! Get that thing away from me! I'm getting dizzy. Mithra-Wan: You ok? You want some water? Jitpring Fett: I need to lie down. I'm feeling nauseous. Mithra-Wan: What's wrong with you? Jitpring Fett: None of your business! Someone call up Dr. Laura! Mithra-Wan: Who hired you? Jitpring Fett: I'm not answering any of your questions. Mithra-Wan: Yes you will. Jitpring Fett: NOOOO!!!! Keep that light away from me! Someone kill me now! Mithra-Wan: Damn! He's convulsing wildly! JC Fett: Dad! Dad! Put on these fluorescent proof sunglasses! Jitpring Fett: Thanks. Much better. I'm immune from your fluorescent light now! Mithra-Wan: Maybe we should take this outside. Jitpring Fett: Fine, meet me outside for a game of one on one. I can't wait to posterize your ass! Mithra-Wan: Ok, I'll meet you outside. Jitpring Fett: Alright but I'll must insist on bringing bodyguards and I'll be packing heat so don't try anything! And don't punk out like Bozak did! -- Meanwhile in Iowa. Christopher: Jane I'm beginning to fall in love with you. The way you rile up Bozak, it turns me on! Jane-atalia: Chris, you aren't allowed to marry. You'd be expelled from the Jedi. Christopher: Then we can keep it a secret. Jane-atalia: Sweetie, do you really think we can hide this from the gang? Especially when you come running to defend me everytime Dennis attacks me? Christopher: You're right. But I can't help myself. The more that turd burglar attacks you, the more likely you have a heart attack. I won't allow that to happen! Jane-atalia: Oh Chris... -- Back in North Hollywood. Mithra-Wan: Damn, where is he? I knew he wouldn't show up! JC Fett: I'm here! JC throws a bomb over Mithra's head. Mithra-Wan: You missed me. Jitpring Fett: JC what you do that for? JC Fett: You have to throw deep every once in awhile even when nobody is there! Jitpring Fett: You moron! Get on the ship! Let's get out of here! As Jitpring's ship takes off, Mithra throws a cookie on it. Mithra-Wan: Now I'll be able to track every porn site he visits. -- Mithra tracks Jitpring to Santa Monica Mirror and sneaks in. Mithra-Wan: Place looks deserted. Wait.. I hear voices. Count Chandler: If I throw in a free subscription to the Santa Monica Mirror, will you sign the treaty? Nute Looney: No! I'm not signing the treaty until Jane is dead! Count Chandler: Don't worry. She only has about 6 years to live anyways. Nute Looney: How do you figure? Count Chandler: She said it herself 4 years ago, that she only has 10 years left. Nute Looney: Well I can't wait that long! Count Chandler: I'm a man of my word. It will be done. Jae Lee: Especially with the new battle bots and DVR equipments we've built for you! Count Chandler: What about the Wah Ching Gang? Are they in? Jae Lee: They're in! Bozak is in deep shit! Count Chandler: Yes, we shall have the greatest army in all of Usenet! The Jedi will be overwhelmed. -- Mithra-Wan: Uh oh, I better warn the Jedi Council. Hello, do you hear me now? I've tracked the bounty hunter Jitpring to the Santa Monica Mirror. They are building a bot army and it is clear that Count Chandler was behind the assassination attempts on Jane. Count Chandler is forging an alliance with..... wait....... The hologram of Mithra-Wan cuts off as he is attacked by battle bots. Branden Windu: Christopher, we will handle Count Chandler. You stay where you are and protect the Senator at all costs. Christopher: Yes Master. Jane-atalia: Chris, they'll never get there in time to save him! We have to do something. Christopher: You heard Master Branden. He gave me strict orders to stay here. Jane-atalia: Sweetie, you should learn never to let these liberals tell you what to do. -- Jeff Organa: The EBay Guilds are preparing for war! Chancellor Bozak: the guy with titties must have signed a treaty with them..... Jeff Organa: We must stop them before it's too late! Chancellor Bozak: we dont have enough jedi available..... Ask Ironside: The debate is over! We need that clone army now! Jeff Organa: The senate will never approve of the use of clones! Ask Ironside: Fine, why don't we just nuke the seperatists out of existence! Jeff Organa: You're nuts! Ask Ironside: How about biological warfare? I got plenty of viruses! Mas Viker: This is a crisis..... We must vote the Chancellor emergency powers....... then we can crush the seperatists the way Bush crushed Iraq........ -- Mithra-Wan is trapped within a killfile. Mithra-Wan: Traitor! Count Chandler: It's a pity our paths have never crossed before. Greg-gon always spoke highly of you. I wish he were still around. I could use his help right now. Mithra-Wan: Greg would never join you! Count Chandler: He joined me at UCLA, didn't he? You forget, he was once my following bitch. Mithra-Wan: I thought you were his following bitch? Count Chandler: So we were both obssessed with each other. What's the difference? Mithra-Wan: I know the feeling. Count Chandler: Join me, Ben. The alliance we are creating, like Microsoft, will never be broken up! Join us and together we will be unstoppable! Mithra-Wan: Why don't you convince me first why Microsoft will never be broken up. The only way to stop them, is to break them up. Count Chandler: Are you kidding me? There is so much competition out there, that Microsoft might go bankrupt! 2 hours later. Count Chandler: I'm getting tired of arguing with you. Mithra-Wan: Fine we will finish this debate after the parody is over! Count Chandler: Fine. Mithra-Wan: Let me set my schedule. Theism/Atheism with Rick, Breaking the Monopoly with Chandler, everything else with Jedi. Count Chandler: You know what? I change my mind. You just like to argue endlessly! The debate is over. I WIN! -- Christopher and Jane arrive at the Santa Monica Mirror only to be captured. Count Chandler: Welcome. Jane-atalia: Chris, you are holding a Jedi Troll, Mithra-Wan Kenobi. I am requesting you turn him over now. Christopher: Who me? Jane-atalia: Not you sweetie, the other Chris. Count Chandler: Sorry but he has been convicted of espionage and will be executed. However, if Iowa would join our alliance, I would reconsider. Jane-atalia: Sweetie, I thought you were against the death penalty. Count Chandler: Well, we're not really executing him. We're using him as food for the sharks. Jane-atalia: I'm afraid I don't see the difference. Count Chander: Jane, I assume you want what's best for your people. Aren't they tired of the corruption? Jane-atalia: The ideals are still alive even if the insitution is failing. Count Chandler: You believe in the same ideals that we believe in! Jane-atalia: No we don't sweetie. People in Iowa don't use rap videos for our sex education. Count Chandler: Not everyone had your sheltered and puritanical upbringing. Jane-atalia: Sweetie, you can leave my upbringing out of this, given that you are so obviously uninformed about it. Count Chandler: Jane if you don't cooperate, I'm afraid you'll be joining Mithra. Take them away! - The Shark Arena Mithra-Wan: What are you doing here? I thought I told you to stay in Iowa? Christopher: We came to rescue you. What is this place? Mithra-Wan: It's a shark arena. They're going to fill up the arena with water and send sharks after us. Christopher: This is how we're going to be excecuted? You're joking right? We have a better chance of getting hit by lightning than being eaten by sharks. Mithra-Wan: Well yeah tell that to the sharks. Jane-atalia: I guess this is where Cite Knight does his Jaws parody. I must make it perfectly clear that I am not to be represented as a shark. Nute Looney: Let the excecution's begin! Mithra-Wan: Um, there's sharks swimming towards us. What do we do? Christopher: Relax Master! Just swim in front of them and hit them on the nose! That'll scare them off! Mithra-Wan: Yeah you go do it for me then..... hey where are you going? You're swimming in the opposite direction! Christopher: Don't worry about me Master! You take care of the sharks. I'll rescue Jane! Nute Looney: Kill Jane now! The sharks are taking too long! Count Chandler: You were the one who ordered the sharks to eat them. You should've just let me eat them. Nute Looney: You can always eat the sharks later. Count Chandler: Good idea! Branden Windu arrives. Branden Windu: Sorry to disappoint you but this party is over. Count Chandler: How pleasant of you to join us. Brave but foolish my old friend. You're impossibly outnumbered. Thousands of battle 'bots pour into the arena. Branden Windu: What are you doing with this army? I thought you were a pacifist. Count Chandler: Well, yeah I may be a pacifist but I'm not against flame wars! Jitpring, take them out! Jitpring Fett: Branden, I've waited a long time for this! Branden Windu: What took you so long? It couldn't have taken that long to find a new ISP. LOL. Jitpring Fett: You're an embarassment to my beloved UCLA and now you're going to find out how "sick and disturbed" I am! Branden Windu: I already know, considering what a big Dr. Laura fan you are. Jitpring Fett: I'm a critic not a fan! I listen to become aware of the enemy's movements. I'd be a fool not to listen! Branden Windu: You actually listen to someone you don't like just to bash them in a newsgroup? That is pathetic! Jitpring Fett: Well we all need hobbies, love. Christopher: Master, is it any different wasting time in google researching someone you don't like, just to have a flame war? Branden Windu: You are still an amateur in the power of the Net. It takes me a mere 30 seconds to do a google search on him. Jitpring on the other hand, probably spends a couple hours a day listening to Dr. Laura's show. Jitpring Fett: That's it. I'm done. I quit. You win. But only because my family asked me to stop! You and Bozak can consider yourselves lucky that my father stepped in! I would've kicked both your asses! Count Chandler: Master Branden, surrender now or else! Branden Windu: Or what? You'll sentence us to life in prison? Count Chandler: Very funny Branden. I may not have the stomach to execute you but the rest of my allies wouldn't hesitate! Branden Windu: You sure have the stomach for everything else! Suddenly 6 Trollships descend from above. Clone SharkTroopers and Mexican workers spill out into the arena. Bullyoda: Create a perimeter around the survivors! Jae Lee: Our communication equipments are being jammed! We're under attack! Nute Looney: The Jedi have amassed a large army against us! Count Chandler: How did the Jedi come up with an army so quickly? Nute Looney: Apparently Bullyo was able to hire a Mexican army. Jae Lee: We must retreat! Count Chandler: I'm returning to the Lakers NG. Give me the designs for the Flame Star. They will be safer with my Master. Mithra-Wan: Look, Chander is getting away! Christopher: Follow him! Secret Hanger Tower Count Chandler talking to a mirror. Count Chandler: I'm big enough, I'm fat enough. And dog gone it, people like me! Christopher: You're going to pay for all the Jedi you've eaten Chandler! Mithra-Wan: We'll take him together. You go slowly on the.... Christopher: No, I'm taking him now! Christopher bounces off of Chandler's blubber. Christopher: What hit me? Count Chandler: As you can see, you're no match for me. Mithra-Wan: Chandler you deserve the death penalty. Count Chandler: Then you'd be killing an innocent man. Once we take over the Republic, I'm going to get rid of the death penalty! Mithra-Wan: Why? So you can incarcerate criminals at the Club Med while draining our economy? Count Chandler: The economy? You've got to be kidding me. You're overly emotionally attached to your money. Mithra-Wan: You damn right I am. I worked HARD for my money! Count Chandler: Enough of this! I can crush you just by sitting on you! Mithra-Wan: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Christopher: Not so fast! Count Chandler: You still want some of me? Christopher: I'll show you why I'm the greatest following bitch ever! Count Chandler: Don't make me laugh. I was the original following bitch! You'd be lucky to obssess over someone the way I obssessed over Greg! Christopher: Just ask Bozak and Mithra about my following bitch skills! I'm so good, I had Mithra using the homo card on me! Count Chandler: That's nothing! I once had Greg threaten to show me in person that he wasn't homophobic! Christopher: Oh yeah? I was so obssessed with Bozak, that I started posting the Bozak post of the day! Count Chandler: Big deal! I spammed the group because of Greg! Christopher: So what! At least Greg responded to you! Bozak wouldn't even answer any of my posts! Top that! Count Chandler: No problem. I followed Greg until he left the group! Meanwhile you got tired of following Bozak so YOU left the group! Christopher: Yeah but I followed both Bozak and Mithra! You can only handle one at a time! Count Chandler: You couldn't even finish the job on Bozak! Now I have taken over as Bozak's following bitch! I WIN!!!! I'm the greatest following bitch ever! I don't even need SuperDexterFisher to become Bozak's bitch! Christopher: I have no comeback. You have beaten me. Count Chandler: I'm not finished yet! I even had a co-worker do a google search on me and found posts where Bozak called me a racist! Christopher: Damn! Why do you have to rub salt over my wounds? Bozak used the race card on you? I envy you! Why can't he use the race card on me? I'm tired of people using the homo card on me! Count Chandler: They use the fat card on me too! Christopher: I'm going to use it too! You may have outfollowing-bitched me, but at least I'm not 100% body fat like you are! Take a look at my muscles! Count Chandler: Let's see how well your muscles do against my fat! Come and lift me if you can! Mithra-Wan: Christopher, don't do it! You'll hurt yourself! Christopher: I can do this! Ok, here goes........ ugh.....he's too heavy.........ARGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I think I broke my back! Count Chandler: Nobody can lift me! Suddenly through the thick smoke, Master Bullyoda arrives. Bullyoda: Count Chandlo. Count Chandler: Master Bullyoda, you have interfered with our plans for the last time! Bullyoda: You've become powerful and fat. Bullyo senses the dark side of the Net in you. Count Chandler: I have become the most fattest Jedi ever! Not even you can beat me now! Bullyoda: We'll see about that. Bullyoda and Count Chandler draw their flame sabers and begin battling. Mithra-Wan: What the? Bullyoda walks around like he's got a bad case of joint deterioration but now all of a sudden he's jumping around like he's some Olympic athlete! Christopher: Well duh Master. He's using the power of the Net. The Jedi Troll's power comes from the Net not from their limited physical abilities. Master, it seems I know more than you! Mithra-Wan: You still have much to learn my young following bitch. Why would he waste energy, routing the power of the Net to his body when he can simply use the Net to move the Flame Saber around? Christopher: We have not seen that the Net is capable of moving an object around with the speed and precision needed in a Flame Saber fight. Mithra-Wan: You have no point. He could've used his powers more efficiently instead of wasting energy doing gymnastics. Count Chandler: Do you two ever stop arguing? Now I'm offering a challenge to anybody! If you can lift me, I will become your following bitch! Bullyoda: Bullyo accepts your challenge. Mithra-Wan: You can do it Master Bullyoda! Christopher: No way. He can't do it. It's like lifting a planet! Mithra-Wan: My young following bitch. Watch and learn. Master Bullyoda is the greatest of the Jedi Trolls. His mastery of the Net is surpassed by no one! Count Chandler: Not even the power of the Net can lift me! Bullyoda: We'll see about that........... grrrrrr..... Count Chandler: BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! I am far too fat for you! Bullyoda: uuuggggghhhh.............Bull.....yo...... can't..... do.........it......... Count Chandler: I WIN! No power in the universe can lift me! So long Bullyo! I'm outta here! Bullyoda: Bullyo has never seen such powerful fat before. Chandler enters his RocketShip. Count Chandler: Time to blast off......... what the???? The ship isn't taking off! Oh no! The ship isn't powerful enough to carry me! NOOOOOO!!!!!!! I must contact my master. Darth Sinned: what do you want jabba.... Count Chandler: Master, I can't get off this newsgroup! I'm too fat! Darth Sinned: maybe you should staple both your titties....lol.....what about the plans for the flame star.... Count Chandler: I have it here. I'll upload it to you. Darth Sinned: you have done well jabba..... Count Chandler: Master, there is more good news. The war has begun. Darth Sinned: excellent.....everything is going as planned.....is it wrong to set fires and watch them burn? :-) -- Branden Windu: Where is your following bitch? Mithra-Wan: He's escorting Jane back to Iowa. I have to admit though, without the mexican workers, this would not have been a victory. Bullyoda: This is no victory. The shroud of the dark side has fallen. The Troll War has begun! FADE OUT
