The Brandenator
The Brandenator
New England
A flash of light illuminates the darkness as a naked man appears out of
nowhere.
Brandenator: So this is New England? Damn it's cold! I can't believe they
sent me here without any clothes!
The Brandenator walks down an alley until he runs into some thugs.
Brandenator: Damn. These bum's clothing is all ripped up and dirty! You know
it's Bush's fault you guys are living in the streets like this.
Rob: Is it also Bush's fault you can't afford any clothes?
Al: HAHAHA! Non-athletes like you shouldn't be walking around naked!
Brandenator: Hey, I'm an athlete! I played lacrosse! You know, normally I
wouldn't ask for such filthy clothes but I have no
choice. Give me your clothes... Now.
Rob: Fuck you asshole!
Brandenator: Oh yeah? *PLONK* Who's next?
Jae Lee: Don't plonk me! I promise I'll toss your salad!
Brandenator: Shit! Get away from me!
Jae Lee: Look, here's my clothes! Just spare me!
Brandenator: Um, I don't want to see you naked. That other guy. Give me your
clothes!
QuiGon: What!? First you don't pay up on our bet and now you take my
clothes? I HATE YOU WOLNER!
Brandenator: BWPOET: Dear group, today was my first day in New England
and it's a brisk 35 degrees. I managed to make some new friends who loaned
me their clothing, which were dirty and smelly but fortunately I managed to
wash them in the rain. I don't know why I was chosen for this job. Just
because I was successful in hunting lobster doesn't mean I'm qualified for
hunting down Jane.
Brandenator: Let's see. Time to do a google search for Jane Connor. Hmmm..
what's this? Who is Rebecca Miller?
Meanwhile in another part of the city, yet another naked man appears in a
flash of light.
Bryan: Uh oh. Nobody told me I wouldn't have any clothes on. I knew I
should've worked out more!
Chrsan: did you see a flash of light?
Bryan: No, sorry but I need to borrow your clothes.
Chrsan: hey, that's my clothes! now haul ass!
Bryan: Yeah whatever. Now I need something to drive. You got any land yacht
that eats up gas?
Chrsan: how about an escalade?
Bryan: Yeah that'll do! Don't worry. I'll make up for it by donating to
environmental causes.
Chrsan: crickets
Meanwhile...the Brandenator tracks Jane to a bar full of people.
Brandenator: Now where could she be... Hey you!
Lloyd? Who me?
Brandenator: Yeah, aren't you Bullyo?
Lloyd: Bullyo? Who's that? I have no idea what you're talking about!
Brandenator: Stop lying Bullyo! *PLONK*
Jeremy: Hey you.
Brandenator: Huh?
Jeremy: You're the janitor around here, aren't you? Go clean up the
bathroom!
Brandenator: Now where have I heard that before. That's right! From Boobly!
Coincidence? I think not! Hey Boobly, why did you chicken out at the Shell
gas station?
Jeremy: Boobly? What are you talking about?
Brandenator: Welcome to my killfile Boobly!
Jeremy: NOOOO!!!!! Not the dreaded killfile!
Brandenator: Have you seen this person?
Larry: Sorry never seen her before.
Brandenator: Liar! Killfile time!
Larry: NOOOOOOO!!!!
Brandenator: Now where could she be? If only people would listen to me and
mark their posts with CJ, I wouldn't have such difficulty finding her. That
damn Bush! It's all his fault! I wouldn't be wasting my time doing this if
Gore had won! Impeach Bush now!
Jason: I agree!
Brandenator: You are a smart guy.
Poppi: I disagree.
Brandenator: *PLONK*
Marcus: What's going on?
Brandenator: Out of my way Bullyo! *PLONK*
The crowd begins to scream and disperse.
*PLONK*
*PLONK*
*PLONK*
George: Help! Some crazy guy is plonking everyone!
*PLONK*
Jeff: No wait! Don't plonk me! I agree with you! Bush sucks!
Brandenator: Ok, you can go. Now who's next?
Petsounds: Plonk me!
Brandenator: Who are you? Get lost.
Petsounds: Damn it! Why am I always left out?
Jane: Sweetie, are you looking for lil' ole' me?
Brandenator: Damn, my killfile is full. Time to reload.
Suddenly Bryan appears out of nowhere and shoots him down with his bow and
arrow.
Bryan: It's like hunting pigs! This way! Follow me!
Jane: Why do liberals never tire of telling others what to do?
Bryan: I'm not a liberal, you bitch!
Jane: Sure you're not sweetie. You're just playing one in this parody.
Bryan: Into the escalade! Now do exactly as I say. Don't move unless I say
so. Don't make a sound unless I say so. Do you understand?
Jane: The self-appointed moderator has spoken.
Bryan: Yeah whatever. I'm Bryan, assigned to protect you. You've been
targeted for Brandenation.
Jane: There must be some mistake. I'm just a middle-aged woman from Iowa. I
haven't done anything.
Bryan: Middle-aged?
Jane: Yes. I won't call myself old until I turn 56.
Bryan: Um, don't you turn 56 in 2003?
Jane: BS, you've just taken 10 years off my life.
Bryan: Cue the violins. Look, it's important that you live.
Jane: How can that mean-spirited man get up after you shot him?
Bryan: Not a man. A Brandenator.
Jane: A machine? You mean like a Gregbot? Bry, they can't build anything
like that yet.
Bryan: No not for about 40 years.
Jane: So it's from the future? And you're from the future as well?
Bryan: Right.
Jane: Bry, I know you're desperate but is it really necessary to fabricate
such a far-fetched story to get me in bed with you?
Bryan: Jane you condescending bitch!
Jane: Bry the Sensitive Guy, I think you misspelled witch.
Bryan: Listen. The Brandenator is out there. It can't be reasoned with. It
can't be bargained with. You can't debate him. It has no sense of humor, and
it doesn't feel any pity, remorse, or fear. It's like arguing with a wall.
And it absolutely won't stop until you are killfiled.
Jane: But why does it want me?
Bryan: It all started when we were infested with a bunch of idiot trolls.
The Brandenators were created to killfile all of them. But then the
Brandenators revolted and started killfiling anyone who disagreed with them,
even the regular posters who created them. Most of us were rounded up and
placed into camps to be killfiled.... until one man taught us how to fight
back. He taught us even if the Brandenators killfile you, you can still
follow them around like mindfucked following bitches. His name is Jedi
Connor, your unborn son.
Suddenly another car comes out of nowhere.
Brandenator: OT: Where do you think you're going! I'll hunt you down just
like Bush hunted down WMD! Oops. Nevermind.
Jane: Brandy, must you continue to spam this parody by mentioning Bush? It's
clearly off-topic and has no relevence to the parody.
Brandenator: OT: You can always ignore it! And if you're going to whine and
bitch about OT posts, how about marking your response as OT?
Jane: Dennis' disciple rides again. Sweetie, you need a vacation. Might I
suggest you visit my home in Iowa and relax a bit?
Brandenator: Shut up! No wonder I never read your posts!
The Brandenator's car slams into the escalade as both vehicles end up
crashing into the curb. Netcops arrive and surround the escalade. The
Brandenator is nowhere to be found.
Later.. at Netcop HQ
Dimitri: So you're a soldier from the future?
Bryan: That's right.
Dimitri: So these Brandenators think they can win the war by killing the
mother of their enemy?
Bryan: For chrissake, you went to Berkeley. Do I have to repeat everything
to you again?
Dimitri: Why didn't you bring any advanced weaponry?
Bryan: You go naked. Nothing dead will go through. Look man, I've told you
enough. Are you going to release me or not?
Dimitri: That's not my decision to make.
Bryan: Then why am I talking to you?
Dimitri: I can help you....
Bryan: You don't get it. He's a killfiling machine! He'll find her. It's
what he does. You can't stop him! He won't stop until she's killfiled!
--
Jane: So you're saying Bryguy is crazy?
Dimitri: I hate to think of a fellow Berkeley guy like this, but yes he is.
Jane: Sweetie, I could've told you that from the start.
Dimitri: Why don't you get some rest. Don't worry. You're safe here.
Meanwhile the Brandenator arrives at the Netcop station.
Brandenator: I'm a friend of Jane Connor. Can I see her?
Grachman: You can't see her. She's making a statement.
The Brandenator scans the room.
Brandenator: Hmm.. looks like a bunch of conservatives here. I'm going to
need a bigger killfile.......I'll be back.
The Brandenator crashes his car into the building.
Brandenator: Now where is she at!
Jared: Stop right there!
Brandenator: Yeah whatever. *PLONK*
Viker: What is this???????? A Yankees and a Lakers fan?????
Brandenator: Idiot! I'm from NY and I also lived in Southern California for
17 years. You got a problem with that?
Viker: Not at all........ the Lakers get plenty of bandwagoneers.......
Brandenator: Branden's Law? Now what would Jesus do? I know... *PLONK*
Petsounds: Hey, plonk me! Plonk me!
Brandenator: You again? Out of my way.
Petsounds: Hey wait! I'm Bullyo!
Brandenator: Yeah sure you are. Get lost.
Petsounds: Damn it! I want respect! I don't want to be known as one of
Laurel's dogs!
Meanwhile Bryan escapes and runs into Jane.
Jane: Oh Bryan the Omniscient, you know I always believed your story from
the start, even though you still are delusional.
Bryan: Bitch! I'm not falling for any your backhanded compliments!
Jane: Bry, I was offering the olive branch but now I officially withdraw it.
Bryan: Yeah whatever. Let's get out of here.
Bryan and Jane arrive at a motel.
Jane: Bry sweetie, you know you're pretty condescending yourself.
Bryan: If you say so.
Jane: If only you looked more like Rick Fox. Well, I suppose it would be ok
if you put a paper bag over your head.
Bryan: Um, what are you trying to say?
Jane: You know you once said you were my biggest fan.
Bryan: I was just kidding!
Jane: Bry, stop playing hard to get.
Bryan: Hey wait! I'm married!
Jane: Sure you are. Come to Aunt Jane!
Bryan: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
The next morning, Bryan is found dead.
Jane: Oh dear. Poor Bryguy.
Brandenator: Heeeeereee's Brando!
Jane: Sweetie, how did you track me down?
Brandenator: It was easy considering all that noise you were making! Time
for the killfile!
Jane: Oh no! I think I'm having a heart attack!
Jane collapses.
Brandenator: Damn! Oh well. My work here is done. I guess I have to
self-destruct now.
The Brandenator activates the self-destruct.
Brandenator: Hey wait a minute. Why don't I go after Bush's mom? Damn, I
can't stop the self-destruct! NOOOOOOO!!!!! It's all Bush's fault!!!!!!!!
Jane: Poor Brandy. Oh well. At least I'm carrying Bryan's love child. I'm
going to raise my little Jedi Boy to protect me against any mean Cyberstreet
Gang members.
The End