1. Offer to shake hands, all the time. Immediately afterwards, go to the bathroom and wash your hands for about half an hour. If your roommate inquires, tell him/her, "Better to be safe than sorry."

2. Keep a goldfish in your room. Watch it for hours, writing down all of its movements and actions in a notebook. Then, one day, stuff the notebook in the fish bowl, and write down all of its movements and actions on the fish. If your roommate asks, explain that the notebook is a lot easier to keep track of, and doesn't eat nearly as much.

3. Use your VCR as a toaster, stuffing bread or pop-tarts into it every morning. When you eat them, complain that something doesn't taste quite right. Adjust the tracking on your VCR, and from then on rave about how good the food is.

4. Keep a plant by your telephone. Every time you enter the room, ask the plant if anybody called. Complain to your roommate that the plant has been making up wild stories about important phone calls.

5. Get a Pet Rock. Sleep with it, and read it bedtime stories. Every night, as soon as you turn out the light, start screaming at the top of your lungs. Explain to your roommate that the rock is afraid of the dark.

6. Get a trampoline for your room. Invite your friends over and jump on it all the time. Then, while your roommate is gone, get rid of the trampoline and draw a chalk outline of a human body on the ceiling. If your roommate inquires, say that you don't want to discuss it.

7. Set your alarm for any time during the day. When it goes off, immediately go to bed, letting the alarm clock continue ringing or buzzing until your roommate turns it off. When he/she does, get up and go about your normal daily business.

8. Stuff yourself into a big plastic bag. Tell your roommate that you've contracted a rare case of the Bulgarian Measels, and you're now being quarantined by the Health Center. Tell your roommate you've been using his/her toothbrush.

9. Light firecrackers and toss them into your roommate's bed while he/she is sleeping. When he/she wakes up, pretend to be asleep.

10. Get a sponge and draw a face on it. Take it to class with you. Let the sponge help you with your homework. Leave notes to your roommate, from the sponge, accusing your roommate of not living up to his/her academic potential.

11. Make "small talk" with your roommate, asking questions like, "How was your day?" and "What are your plans for tonight?" Act interested and write all the responses down, muttering things like, "Hmmm.... Very interesting." Call a local radio station and report the results.

12. Dump all of your roommate's laundry in the center of the room in one big pile. Burn it. If your roommate protests, explain that it was a sacrifice to the "fashion gods".

13. Wait until your roommate is very tired. Insist that you are a master of massage. Ask your roommate to lie down. When he/she does, whack him/her in the head with a baseball bat. If your roommate is still alive, and protests, say, "Oh, I must have done it wrong. Let me try again." If your roommate is dumb enough to let you try again, once more hit him/her in the head with a baseball bat.

14. Complain often about having a loose tooth. When your roommate isn't looking, stuff your mouth with white marbles. Pretend to sneeze, and spew the marbles all over the place. Scream, and run out of the room.

15. Come into the room with a fire extinguisher hidden behind your back. Ask your roommate if he/she has a light. If he/she lives you one, spray him/her with the fire extinguisher. If he/she doesn't give you one, spray him/her anyway.

16. Put an umbrella up, over your bed. Sleep underneath it at night. If your roommate asks about it, respond by saying, "A storm's a-brewin'." Then, one night, get a bucket of water and dump it on your roommate while he/she is sleeping. Get back into bed. If your roommate asks about the incident, claim that you don't know what happened.

17. Get a gasoline can and fill it up with water. Keep it under your bed. Wait until your roommate is around, and start running around the room. Then, collapse, and say, "Damn, I ran out of gas!" Crawl over to the gasoline can and drink from it. Get up, and start running around again.

18. Get two mannequins and keep them inside the room. Every day, dress up one to look like yourself, and the other to look like your roommate. One day, position them so that your mannequin is shaking the roommate mannequin's hand. Later that day, shake your roommate's hand. The next day, position them so that your mannequin is kicking the roommate mannequin. Later that day, kick your roommate. The next day, position them so that your mannequin is stabbing the roommate mannequin with a really big knife. Glare at your roommate for the rest of the day.

19. Keep a variety of bugs and insects inside a jar. Use a stethoscope to "listen" to what the insects are talking about. Act like you can't understand anything. Then, at night, get up suddenly, turn on the lights, and start yelling, "Shut up! I'm trying to sleep! God, you guys are so damn loud, I can't hear myself think!" Continue complaining for about half an hour. Do this every night until all of the insects are dead, at which time, sob, sniff, and say, "I'm gonna miss those guys."

20. Get an air pump. Put the end in your mouth, and start pumping. Do so for a few seconds. Repeat this action every day, eventually extending the amount of "pumping" time to several minutes. Then, one day, while your roommate is out, get some blood, intestines, and anything else you can find at the biology lab. Scatter and smear these things around the room, leaving the air pump in the center. Leave your roommate a note that reads, "I'm sorry, I just can't stand living with you any more. So, I'm ending it all. Sorry about the mess."