*Cut to scene : Bridge of the Cybership Surfer - A |337 class vessel under the command of Captain Llandaryn, who is currently sat in the captain's chair on the bridge. To her left is Lieutenant Commander Thursday, and to her right is Commander Linky, the ship's First Officer. Several crewmen and women are sat around their various stations*

[Ensign Aragoth] "Captin! Captin!"
[Cpt. Llandaryn] "What is it, my trusty pilot?"
[Ensign Aragoth] "My sensors show a small planetoid, 3 timezones away from here! I'm picking up carbon based life forms and traces of advanced technology!"
[Cpt. Llandaryn] "Drop out of broadband and engage the 56k engines, ensign. Lieutenant Wrathchild, what time is it on that planetoid?"

*From his position at his work station, Science Officer Lieutenant Wrathchild is tapping away furiously on his calculator*

[Lt. Wrathchild] "Just give me one more moment, Captain, this is a tricky and complex calculation... ah-ha! It is approximately 6.27 and 43 seconds pm, GMT"
[Cpt. Llandaryn] "Very good. Go to yellow alert."

*Commander Linky presses a big red button on the arm of his chair. Klaxons sound and a red light flashes from above the viewscreen. Commander Linky frowns, and hits a big green button on the arm of his chair. The klaxon continues, but the flashing light changes from red to green. This time the commander goes for the blue button. Five minutes later he gets the yellow one, and the correct light flashes*

::Lieutenant Vorpal Bastard to the Captain. I noticed we just went to red alert. Do we need weapons up there?::

*The Captain taps her commie badge*

::No, thank you Mr Vorpal. We've gone to yellow alert because we're approaching a planetoid which we believe may contain intelligent life::
::I see. Do you want me to nuke it?::
::I don't think that will be necessary just yet, Lieutenant::
::Very well, Captain. But remember, I have a loading bay full of torpedos if you should need them::
::Thank you Vorpal, I'll keep that in mind. Captain out::

[Cpt. Llandaryn] "Ensign Phlyst, as our communications and linguistic expert, you'll play a pivitol role in making first contact with these newbies."

*A shrill whistle is heard on the bridge*

[Lt.Commander Thursday] "Captain, we're being messaged!"
[Cpt. Llandaryn] "Open an ICQ window"

*An image of a cloaked figure comes into view on the monitor. Around the figure several other dark figures are stood*

[Cpt. Llandaryn] "Greetings, I'm Captain Llandaryn of the Cybership Surfer, from the Untidy Federation of Forums. We're explorers on a peaceful mission, and we're interested in learning about the customs of your people."
[Figure] "Jr qb abg haqrefgnaq. Fgngr lbhe vagragvbaf be qvr cnvashyyl, yvggyr crefba."
[Cpt. Llandaryn] "Ensign Phlyst, I need to know what they're saying, now!"
[Ensign Phlyst] "I think I have it, Captain. AHEM. |)0 j00 |_||\||)3®§74|\||) |\/|3, |\/|0®74|_§???!!1!???"
[Figure] "¥3§, \/\/3 |_||\||)3®§74|\||) j00 |\|0\/\/."
[Ensign Phlyst] "4|)j|_|§7 j00® ©0|\/||\/||_||\|1©4710|\|§ |)3\/1©3 70 4 7|-|374ß4|\||) f®3q|_|3|\|©¥"
[Figure] "§74|\||)ߥ."
[Ensign Phlyst] "Can you understand us any better now?"
[Figure] "Yes, no problem now."
[Cpt. Llandaryn] "As I said before, my name is Captain Llandaryn, and we've travelled a long way to meet other sentient species."
[Figure] "My name is DarkWanderer, ruler of planet Death. I greet you in the name of the Great Dead Fish, and the Inanimate Carbon Rod, and Cthulhu, all of whom are Gods to us. Which Gods do you worship?"
[Cpt. Llandaryn] "Perhaps we could discuss our beliefs over dinner?"
[DarkWanderer] "Very well, you and your crew are welcome to come to our planet and partake of our eveing meal."
[Cpt. Llandaryn] "We'll need a couple of hours to make arrangements, will that be ok?"
[DarkWanderer] "Two hours will suffice."

*The monitor goes blank*

[Cpt. Llandaryn] "Staff meeting! I want you Lt. Wrathchild, and you Commander Linky, as well as Phlyst and Counsellor Lutz and Ambassador Blak Ruine. Find Vorpal too, and we'd best have that troll fellow come along as well, he seems to be quite important. What's his rank, anyway?"

*An eerie silence descends upon the bridge and everyone looks around at each other*

[Cpt. Llandaryn] "Oh well, nevermind, I want to see all of the above mentioned people the briefing room in 15 minutes."

*Cut to scene : Briefing room. Most of the senior officers are sat around the large, keyboard-shaped table*

[Cpt. Llandaryn] "Well, crew, it looks like these months of arduous travel have finally paid off. We've met our first sentient community. Now I don't want the whole crew going down there, we may overwhelm them. I'll lead a small diplomatic party. Blak, as our Ambassador, you will be coming with me. It's your job to make sure everything goes smoothely this evening. And, for the love of god, whatever you do, don't insult their CEO's. Lt. Wrathchild, you come along too. There's bound to be an endless amounts of new information we can learn from these people, see if you can find some scientists to talk to."
[Lt. Wrathchild] "Aye Sir, Mam, Sir!"
[Cpt. Llandaryn] "Vorpal, I want you to see to our security whilst we're down on the planet. Vorpal, are you paying attention? LIEUTENANT BASTARD!!"

*Lt. Vorpal Bastard looks up from a phaser he was tinkering with, and nods in acknowlegement*

[Lt. Vorpal] "Don't worry, Cap'n, if those devious bastards try anything, I'll have them nuked faster than you can say 'bob'".
[Cpt. Llandaryn] "That's very... comforting to know. Just try not to kill too many people. We don't want another incident like Silvanis Prime...."
[Lt. Vorpal] "I'm telling you Captain, those bunnies were evil. One of them went for a blue-caps jugular before I had time to vaporize them both."
[Cpt. Llandaryn] "Just... try your best. Speaking of which, we'll need some expendable crew members. Three should be enough. Is there anyone we need killing off this week?"
[Lt. Vorpal] "Unfortunately not, Captain. I'll send along a security detail of blue-caps."
[Cpt. Llandaryn] "Good good. Now Mr. Thursday I want you to take command of the ship whilst I'm gone. With myself and Commander Linky down on the planet you'll be the most senior officer, and I trust you to keep the ship SAFE. Which means no absinthe whilst you're on duty."

*Thursday looks a bit glum at the Captain's last remark, but salutes just the same*

[Cpt. Llandaryn] "As for you, Ensi...er... Lieutna... ummm... Mr. Troll, I want you to come with us too. I'm sure you'll come in useful for something."
[Menig Troll] "Not to worry, Captain! Me extremely well versed in all sorts of diplomacy! Me not eat anyone, me promise."
[Cpt. Llandaryn] "Well that's put my mind at ease! Are we all ready, people? Lets go there and make the best impression that we can on these kindly strangers."

*The Captain looks around at her smiling senior officers*

[Cpt. Llandaryn] "Err... we'll take Ensign WhiteFalcon as well. She's pretty to look at."

*The smiles fade from the faces of the crew*

*Cut to scene : Suface of the planet Death. The sky is black and smoky and all the trees look like they're dying. Black flowers adorn the grass and several black birds fly across the sky, calling eerily. As the away team materialize a bolt of lightning shoots down from the sky, striking one of the blue-caps. When the smoke disappears, all that is left is a charred pair of boots. Lt. Wrathchild quickly runs upto the boots and swipes his PDA over them*

[Lt. Wrathchild] "He's dead, Jim Captain."
[Cpt. Llandaryn] "Bloody good job he's expendable then."

*As the two remaining blue-caps look around nervously, a small group of robed figures approaches*

[Cpt. Llandaryn] "It's good to finally meet you, DarkWanderer. My crew are looking forward to getting to know your people. This is Commander Linky, my first officer, and this is Lt. Vorpal Bastard, my head of security. Here is Lt. Wrathchild, my science officer, and this striking fellow is Ambassador Blak Ruine, here to represent the collective interests of our people. I'm afraid I'm not much of a diplomat, so if there's anything you want to know about our society or politics, Blak is the person to ask. The tall green guy is Menig Troll... we don't really know why he's with us but he makes an interesting addition to our crew, and the gorgeous red-head at the back is Ensign WhiteFalcon."

*All the cloaked figures stare for several minutes at WhiteFalcon. Puddles of drool form at their feet*

[DarkWanderer] "Err.. yes.. well... this is Tyreal, head of the religion of the Inanimate Carbon Rod. And on my right is Fuzzy-Wuzzy Squid Head, leader of the religious sect that follows the teachings of the great Cthulhu. I am overlord of this planet, and highest emmissary to the Great Dead Fish, most wondrous and evil God of all. The tall guy stood at the back is called Elynduil. We brought him along because his attempts at being evil are often seen as cute by others.

*Everyone looks at Elynduil who hangs his hooded head in shame. The team is then lead by DarkWanderer to a large, bleak, ancient looking building with 20foot-high front gates. As they near the gates, a husky voice calls out to them*

[Voice] "State the password, or turn away."
[DarkWanderer] "Dead Fishsticks"

*The gates swing open and the crew are taken to a large banquet hall. The lighting is poor and many ornate and intricate torture devices decorate the walls*

[DarkWanderer] "Now, let us feast!"

*"Several large dark plates are ferried to the tables by half-orc minions. On them lie live lim-lims. DarkWanderer wields a chainsaw and hacks away at the lim-lims. Blood is sprayed onto the crew and the surrounding walls, and the terrified lim-lim screams echo around the corridors. Finally, the raw lim-lim meat is served to the guests*

[Cpt. Llandaryn] "Err... do you have anything vegetarian?"
[DarkWanderer] "What's vegetarian?"
[Cpt. Llandaryn] "Umm.. nevermind, this looks... delicious."

*As the Captain pushes a lim-lim eyeball around her plate, a small group enter the hall, late*

[Cpt. Llandaryn] "Ahh, good to see you Mr. Lutz. Why don't you, Phlyst and Ensign Aragoth take your seats and enjoy this wonderful meal."
[Counselor Lutz] "Thank you Captain, but I just ate."

*Phlyst and Aragoth are looking slightly zombiefied, and are bleeding a little from puncture wounds in their neck. They all take their seats next to their hosts. Numerous small conversations take place between the two peoples*

[Elynduil] "Y'know, on our planet, we don't have any females."
[WhiteFalcon] "Really, how do you reproduce then?"
[Elynduil] "Would you like me to show you?"
[WhiteFalcon] "Maybe later."
[Elynduil] "Whatever you wish, my breathtaking beauty."

[BlakRuine] "I don't care what you say, corporations are just another way of screwing the public. The last CEO I took out was a heartless bastard, and the universe is better off without him and his corporate bullshit."
[HoodedGuy#1] "I'm a CEO."
[BlakRuine] "Really? What was your name again?"
[HoodedGuy#1] "Ahh.. Bob, yes Bob, that's right."
[BlakRuine] "Interesting. Are you planning on walking down any dark alleys anytime soon?"
[HoodedGuy#1] "Umm, excuse me, I think I left my oven on."

[Counselor Lutz] "I know what you're thinking?"
[HoodedGuy#2] "What?"
[Counselor Lutz] "I sense hosility."
[HoodedGuy#2] "Whatever you say, idiot."
[Counselor Lutz] "I sense you are insulting me."
[HoodedGuy#2] "Way to go, Sherlock."
[Counselor Lutz] "I sense sarcasm."
[HoodedGuy#2] "You're a sharp one. Why don't you go play with some nice dollies or something."
[Counselor Lutz] "I can make you immortal."
[HoodedGuy#2] "Whatever."
[Counselor Lutz] "Meet me in my room after sunset."
[HoodedGuy#2] "Keep away from me, freak."

[HoodedGuy#3] "So you've single-handedly caused 3 minor civil wars and created nuclear fallout on a small moon?"
[Lt. Vorpal] "That's right. At one point the law had eight arrest warrants out for me. That's when I met the Captain and she took me on as her Weapons and Tactical Officer. Blowing things up and mass destruction. Best damn job I ever had."

[Menig Troll] "Of course, me can give you all sorts of lim-lim recipes! Me know how to make crispy lim-lims, crunchy lim-lims, breaded lim-lims, tangy lim-lims, barbecue lim-lims, caramel lim-lims, deep fat lim-lims and much more! It all old family recipe!"
[Chef] "Do you use fresh lim-lims or freeze dried?"
[Menig Troll] "Me only use the best produce, so fresh lim-lims all the time! It just really hard to find lim-lims in cyberspace. You want we could trade.. you give me some live lim-lims, and I give you old secret family recipe?"
[Chef] "Consider that a deal!"
[Menig Troll] "Great! Me thinks the crew will really enjoy tasting me lim-lim soup!"

[Lt. Wrathchild] "So you're telling me that the coaxial infra-red generator blew up in his face?? LOL, that's just too funny!"
[Scientist#1] "Yeah, especially when he had to go the rest of the winter without his heater!"
[Lt. Wrathchild] "LOL, that's almost as funny as the time our ship's aft visual detector array fell off and hit that space monkey!"
[Scientist#2] "LOL!!!"

[Ensign Phlyst] "\/\/|-|@7 @®3 j00 |00|<1|\|g @7, |\/|0®7@| ???"
[HoodedGuy#4] "|\|07|-|1|\|g, f00|."

[Cpt. Llandaryn] "So tell me, what kind of alcholic beverages do your people enjoy?"
[DarkWanderer] "What's alcohol?"
[Cpt. Llandaryn] "Nevermind."

[Fuzzy-Wuzzy Squid Head] "So that's basically how we worship the great Cthulhu."
[Commander Linky] "I... see. Well, that was very insightful, I'm glad you told me."
[Ensign Aragoth] "j00 is kidding, right? That was the most boring conversation I've ever had."
[Tyreal] "Now, let me tell you of the rituals involved in worshipping the Inanimate Carbon Rod."
[Ensign Aragoth] *cry*

*Suddenly and violently, a blue-cap starts choking on some lim-lim entrails. After a minute his choking stops and his head flops forward onto the plate filled with guts. Wrathchild quicky runs upto the body and swipes his PDA over it*

[Lt. Wrathchild] "He's dead Jim Captain."
[Cpt. Llandaryn] "Ah well, two down, one to go."

*The remaining blue-cap shifts nervously in his chair*

[Elynduil] "Come with me, my beautiful maiden. We shall walk in the serene gardens, where your stunning looks are surely done justice."
[WhiteFalcon] "Okay, but we can't go to far, the Captain may need me."

*The two take their leave of the main hall, and walk around the back of the hall until they reach a garden. Black willow trees overhang the black river sadly, and black birds sing dark songs. WhiteFalcon takes seat underneath a willow tree*

[Elynduil] "I hope you don't mind, I wrote a short poem about the first time I saw you. Is it ok if I read it out to you?"
[WhiteFalcon] "Of course it's alright, I love poetry."
[Elynduil] "Ahem.

Your voice plays upon the strings of my heart,
Like angels playing their golden harps.
Surely such music was not meant for the ears of mere mortals.
It is said that the angels in heaven are the most wondrous creatures to exist,
But not even an angel could compare to your beauty.
The stars in the night sky twinkle jealously in your divine presence,
And what is more divine than the stars?
I pray thee to release me from thine spell,
So that I may once again experience the joy of mortal pleasures
For how can I continue to live as before,
Knowing that the woman of my dreams walks amongst men?
Perhaps thou are nothing but a dream.
Perhaps thou were created by the mind of mortal man and woman.
Do you live only by night, when the darkness wraps itself around your pale skin
And creates around you an aura of ethereal beauty?
No, the sun does thee no justice for it is harsh and revealing.
Tell me, dream wanderer,
Will thou disappear when I awake?"

[WhiteFalcon] "Oh, that was truly lovely!"
[Elynduil] "Every word was inspired by your natural beauty."
[WhiteFalcon] "I... don't know what to say."
[Elynduil] "Can I touch your breasts?"

*WhiteFalcon slaps Elynduil across the face, then stands up and strides defiantly away*

*Cut to scene : Large courtyard outside the banquet hall. The away team is gathered in the middle of the courtyard near a tall tree, waiting for WhiteFalcon to return. DarkWanderer and one of his advisors are stood aside from their guests*

[DarkWanderer] "Is the plan ready?"
[Advisor] "Yes, the suppressors have been planted."
[DarkWanderer] "What about that tall green one?"
[Advisor] "We're not sure about that one, we planted a device on it just in case."
[DarkWanderer] "Excellent. Now let us go see our guests off."

*The two walk over to the away party. WhiteFalcon had returned a few minutes earlier, and the crew are stood at attention behind the Captain*

[Cpt. Llandaryn] "Well, gentlemen, I have to say that it has been a pleasure meeting you, and I hope our peoples can learn to live together in peace."
[DarkWanderer] "Likewise, Captain. We have stored our ICQ numbers in your science officer's PDA. Don't hesitate to contact us."

*The Captain smiles, and taps her commie badge*

::Mr. Thursday, begin to upload us::

*A feint blue light surrounds the away team as their molecules are compressed into digital data fragments and are uploaded through their ships main computer*

*Cut to scene : Uploader room on the Cybership Surfer. As the away team step off the platform, an electricity surge short-circuits the processor, and the lights go out. When lumination is restored, the charred remains of the third blue-cap are found covering the upload pads. Lt. Wrathchild runs upto the remains and swipes his PDA over them*

[Lt. Wrathchild] "He's dead, Jim Captain."

*There is an eerie silence*

[Lt. Wrathchild] "Err... Captain?"
[Lt. Vorpal] "Holy mother of Phlyst! She's not here!"
[Counselor Lutz] "I sense there is somebody missing"
[Ensign Phlyst] "It's WhiteFalcon! She's gone!"
[Ensign Aragoth] "No! No! Say it isn't so!"
[Commander Linky] "What the hell are we going to do for the rest of this voyage if we don't have WhiteFalcon to ogle???"
[BlakRuine] "Indeed, we must act swiftly and ruthlessly to find WhiteFalcon, before all is lost!"
[Lt. Vorpal] "I'll ready the photo torpedoes!!"
[Commander Linky] "Quick everyone! To the bridge!"

*Cut to scene : Bridge. Lt. Commander Thursday is sat in the Captain's chair. Several empty bottles of Absinthe lay scattered around his feet, and a song by The Cure is blaring out over the ship's internal communicator. Several crew-members try to look attentive when the away crew enter the bridge*

[Commander Linky] "Mr. Thursday, go to red alert!"

*Thursday tries to focus on Linky's face, but is half-slumped in the chair, and seems very intoxicated*

[Lt.Commander Thursday] "Aye, shshir!"
[Commander Linky] "Are you drunk, Commander?"

*Thursday looks guiltily at the empty bottles strewn around the bridge*

[Lt.Commander Thursday] "Of coursh not, shsir."
[Commander Linky] "Oh. OK then. That's alright. As long as you haven't been drinking. Now listen up, crew! WhiteFalcon has been taken prisoner by the inhabitants of the planet below. We're going to mount a rescue mission and save her, before they have chance to subject her to any of their vile and wicked ways!"
[Lt.Commander Thursday] "Ahh.. where's the Captain, shsir?"
[Commander Linky] "The wh...oh the Captain. It would appear she has been kidnapped too. I guess we'd better rescue her as well, then. Won't look to good on our reports, eh, if we lose WhiteFalcon AND the Captain."

//**First Officer's Log - Cyberdate 203548931282.4²
It has been 2 hours since the Captain and WhiteFalcon were taken hostage. We have not heard from their captors at all, and are now preparing a rescue mission. Lt. Vorpal is, as I speak, training several miniature giant space hamsters in the art of warfare. By his estimate we will be able to set off on the rescue mission in another 8 days. We have a compliment of 50 photo torpedos, but these are often unreliable at best. Due to WhiteFalcon's absence, the crew moral is at an all-time low. But on the other hand, due to the Captain's absence, crew moral is at an all-time high. Never before have I seen such a combination of happy and sad people. It's like Mardi Gras without the masks**\\

[Ensign Aragoth] "How long is this madness going to go on for? How are we going to carry on without WhiteFalcon's graceful presence?"
[Lt. Wrathchild] "Patience, young padawan."
[Lt.Commander Thursday] "Well personally I don't miss staring at her at all."

*Thursday leers at Aragoth*

[Commander Linky] "Now crew, I know this is a hard time for all of us. So often during our boring mission have we taken to ogling White Falcon, that we now depend upon it. I guess we need the Captain to run the ship too, but that's another matter. They're being held against their will, and God only knows what horrible, cruel torture they're being put through right now."

*Cut to scene : Torture chamber in the Banquet Hall. Captain Llandaryn, White Falcon and Menig are sat bound to chairs. In front of them is a TV and VCR. A pile of Barney, Teletubbies and My little Pony videos are stacked on the floor. The Teletubbies are currently playing on the TV. As the episode draws to a conclusion, the lights get brighter and a door opens. DarkWanderer and a couple of hooded guys enter*

[DarkWanderer] "Well, Captain, are you ready to co-operate yet?"
[Cpt. Llandaryn] "I'll never co-operate with you. You betrayed our trust and you will pay for keeping us here against our will."
[DarkWanderer] "I doubt that. From what we've learned of your crew, they're about as competant as a bunch of little girls, assigned to the task of building a very long bridge over a particularly wide river. Needless to say, you're going to be with us for a very long time."
[Cpt. Llandaryn] "We could be stuck here for all eternity and I'd never co-operate with you."
[DarkWanderer] "Come now, Captain. I'm sure we can come to some sort of agreement. Our planet has no females, the only way we have to multiply is by the ctrl+c ctrl+v command. Every time we do that, effectively cloning ourselves, our data becomes degraded. You three will open up a new way for us to reproduce. Think about it, a whole species of men all to yourselves. We can give you whatever you desire, enough to fill your wildest dreams."
[Cpt. Llandaryn] "You are a sick man, DarkWanderer, and we will never become part of your twisted plans. We shall fight you to the end!"
[DarkWanderer] "Very well, to the end it is! EGOR! BRING OUT THE HISTORY OF THE MODERN BRITISH MONARCHY!!"

*At this, the captives begin to sweat profusely, and look extremely panicked. A short, hump-backed man comes shuffling into the room, dragging one foot and cackling insanely. He stops in front of DarkWanderer, opens the box he was carrying, and DarkWanderer carefully lift out a video tape. Egor then shuffles out of the room*

[DarkWanderer] "Well then, we'll see how you handle this. Remember, we want to hear lots of screaming and pleas for forgiveness before you die of boredom. Have fun!"

DarWanderer puts the tape in the VCR, presses the play button and he and his lackeys leave. The lights in the room dim once more, and on the screen appears the image of a young girl. An emotionless, British voice drones on... "Here we see the Queen Mother at age 2. As you may be able to make out, she is wearing the Royal Infant Shoes. You may or may not know that the shoes were crafted in Luxembourg in 1889 by a German shoe-maker named Sven von Tinkle. They were the height of fashion in their time...."*

[Menig Troll] "NO!! NO!! MAKE IT STOP, PLEASE MAKE IT STOP, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!!!"
[WhiteFalcon] "OH, THE PAIN, THE HORROR, THE HUMANITY!! Captain, whatever are we going to do?"
[Cpt. Llandaryn] "Don't worry, I'm sure that our shipmates are coming up with a brilliant, diabolical scheme to rescue us at this very moment."

*Cut to scene : CyberShip Surfer, where plans are running amok. Three of the five miniature giant space hamsters have escaped and are running rampant throughout the ship, wreaking havoc and chaos upon the major systems. Several crew members followed Thursday's lead and got drunk, and Lutz insists on drinking the blood of even more crew members. Commander Linky is sat in the Captain's chair looking somewhat at a loss*

[Commander Linky] "I never knew running a cybership was so difficult and time consuming. Not to mention tedious. I don't know how the Captain does it."
[Lt. Vorpal] "I believe it's called "being female", sir."
[Commander Linky] "Now now lieutenant, I doubt very much that gender has anything to do with command abili... what in the name of Phlyst are you doing, lieutenant?"

*Lt. Vorpal is dressed in standard army fatigues. In one hand he holds a machine gun, and in the other he has a blow-torch. Around his waist and chest are clips for his machine gun and a revolver. Night vision goggles cover his eyes and a rocket booster pack is attatched to his back*

[Lt. Vorpal] "I'm taking those hamsters out! They'll learn to pay the price for insubordination. I'll teach them to mutiny against me!"
[Commander Linky] "Err.. you do realise you're wearing camouflage green, but the whole ship is grey, right?"
[Lt. Vorpal] "Not important. Hamsters are colourblind."
[Commander Linky] "Then why the hell are you wearing all that gear??"
[Lt. Vorpal] "HEY! Don't yell at me. You get to command others and make important life threatening decisions, I get to blow things up and look cool. It's in my job description, and my contract. You may think it's unfair, but that's just the way things work around here. Now are you going to help me catch these menaces or are you going to just sit there whining like the little girl that you are?"
[Commander Linky] "I think I'm going to sit and whine for a bit longer."
[Lt. Vorpal] "Have it your way, Commander. Now, I'll be in Zippy's tube 8 if anybody needs me."

*Cut to scene : Torture chamber. The captives are staring like zombies at the TV, which is currently playing the birth of Prince Charles. A hooded figure slip silently into the room, and crouches before the Captain. He shakes her by the shoulders and she comes out of the rapt trance*

[Cpt. Llandaryn] "What.. where... who are you?"

*The figure pulls back his hood revealing his face. It is Elynduil*

[Elynduil] "Shh! Please, be quiet, Captain. I've come to make you an offer."
[Cpt. Llandaryn] "Well I'm charmed, but I already told the goons that we're not breeding stock, and we won't co-operate."
[Elynduil] "Not that kind of offer. I've come to offer your freedom."
[Cpt. Llandaryn] "Uh-huh. In exchange for what?"
[Elydnuil] "I want you to take me with you. Life here is awful. I promise to serve you (in whatever way you wish) if you take me with you."
[Cpt. Llandaryn] "And why should I believe you?"
[Elynduil] "I don't think you have any other choice. You must decide now. The others will be back shortly."
[Cpt. Llandaryn] "Very well. Release us, you can come with us."

*As Elynduil finishes untying Menig's ropes, DarkWanderer and his cronies enter the room*

[DarkWanderer] "Stop, traitor! You will die for trying to help them escape!"
[Elynduil] "You'll have to stop us first!"

*The captives retreat and take up position in a small alcove. Elynduil gives Menig a gun and hands the Captain her commie badge back. The Captain pins the badge to her chest and taps it*

::Llandaryn to Surfer, four to upload. Surfer, respond!::

[Elynduil] "Anytime now might be nice, Captain."
[Cpt. Llandaryn] "There's something wrong, they're not answering."

*Suddenly a troup of hooded guys enter the room, surrounding the party and taking their weapons*

[DarkWanderer] "Nice try, Captain. You have courage, we like that. I will personally take you as my wife and breeding partner. Our offspring will be magnificently evil and brave."
[Cpt. Llandaryn] "Oh well that's just bloody brilliant."
[DarkWanderer] "As for you, traiterous one, we won't even bother giving you a trial. We will execute you right here and now."
[Elynduil] "Not before I do this!"

*Elunduil grabs WhiteFalcon and kisses her. One of the soldiers raises his gun to Elynduil's head, but before he has time to shoot a feint blue light encompasses the group and they begin the upload sequence*

[DarkWanderer] "Oh fishsticks!"

*Cut to scene : Uploader room of the Surfer. Commander Linky and Lt. Vorpal are stood in front of the uploader pad, and a crew member is stood behind a screen, resequencing the data patterns of the away team, ready for them to materialize. As they do, Elynduil is still embracing WhiteFalcon, and Lt. Vorpal fires a warning shot from his gun at him, just missing his head. WhiteFalcon pushes him away, and slaps him across the face*

[Cpt. Llandaryn] "Well it took you bloody long enough! Commander Linky, report!"
[Commander Linky] "Not good, Captain. We have several intoxicated crew members, 3 miniature giant space hamsters are on the loose, Broadband engines are damaged, crew moral is severely low and I seem to have a splinter in my finger."

*The ship is rocked violently, and the crew struggle to remain standing. Another tremor is felt throughout the ship as it goes to red alert and sirens sound. The Captain makes her way to the bridge*

[Cpt. Llandaryn] "Mr.Thursday, what's going on?"
[Lt.Commander Thursday] "We're under fire from the planet's surface, Captain. Good to have you back, by the way, I didn't have anyone to talk about the new Tom Waits album with."
[Cpt. Llandaryn] "First things first, Thursday. Ensign, take us out of orbit, full 56k!"
[Ensign Aragoth] "56k engines are offline, Captain."
[Cpt. Llandaryn] "Engineering, I need 56k engines NOW!"

*The ship is rocked by another hit*

[Lt. Wrathchild] "We only have thrusters, Captain, but they're not enough to allow us to break the planet's gravitational pull. And that last hit took out the inertial dampeners. If we don't find a way to get out of here fast, we're in for one hell of a rough ride down."
[Lt. Vorpal] "Captain, I suggest the photo torpedos. We've nothign left to lose."
[Cpt. Llandaryn] "Very well Mr. Bastard, fire a full spread of photo torpedos."

*Through the viewscreen the crew see the torpedos enter the planet's atmosphere. They explode as they hit the ground, scattering photos of the whole crew over a vast area. No more shots come from the surface*

[Cpt. Llandaryn] "Well, I think that takes care of them."
[Commander Linky] "What are we going to do about the miniature giant space hamsters, Captain?"
[Cpt. Llandaryn] "Hamsters have to breathe every 8 seconds. Flood the entire ship with sleeping gas and tell the crew to hold their breath."
[Commander Linky] "What about the drunk crew?"
[Cpt. LLandaryn] "Tell them all to report to the medbay for prostate examinations. That'll sober 'em up and teach them not to drink on duty. That goes for you too, Thursday. Off to the doctor with you."
[Lt.Commander Thursday] "Woohoo!"
[Commander Linky] "And what about low crew moral?"
[Cpt. Llandaryn] "Make an announcement that we're having a party in the HollowDeck at 1900 hours."
[Elynduil] "Captain, I would like to take this opportunity to say thank you for allowing me to join your crew. You can rest assured that I will be the epitome of goodwill and obedience. Anything you need, at any time, just call. I'll go on any away mission, make any cups of tea, scrub any toilet. I am at your beck and call from now on, for I owe to you my freedom."
[Cpt. Llandaryn] "Thank you, Elunduil, that was very heart-felt."
[Elynduil] "Can I touch your breasts?"

*Llandaryn slaps Elynduil across the face*

[Counselor Lutz] "I sense you are attracted to women."
[Elynduil] "Clever you."
[Lt. Wrathchild] "Captain, engineering reports that we now have full use of the Broadband engines."
[Menig Troll] "This great! As me always say, all's well that end's well! Now, me off to make some lim-lim soup to celebrate..."
[Cpt. Llandaryn] "Ensign Aragoth, set a course for the nearest forum. 600kb. Engage!"

*The Surfer goes into cyber space, and soon becomes nothing but a blur*