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Let me start off by saying how pleased I am that my work has finally been published. I have spent many of the past years collecting data, analysing test results, and compiling all my research into this guide. I call it a "guide" because that's what it is. It is not written in stone, and neither is it promoted by the creators of the Internet, or any of their affiliates. The research gathered by myself and my team of miniature giant space hamsters has been long and arduous work, with little thanks. But now, thanks to our efforts, people all over the world will have answers to the question most asked within Internet environments - "Why does nobody like me?" and also "What can I do to fit in?" We have answered these questions, and now nobody need go unloved online. All of our research and results are posted below.
All you need do is look for the symptoms that you have, and follow my step-by-step guide to better communications, and people will be throwing themselves at your feet in no time!
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Symptoms : People hate me because I'm better than them. When I force my superior opinions on them, they tell me to go do horrible things to my Momma! But that doesn't matter. I'm better than them because I'm rich and I have a fast car and loads of women want me, and I can claim true moral superiority over any of those Neanderthals.
Prognosis : Superious Complexicus.
Step-by-Step cure :
1. Remove head from arse.
2. Before sleeping every night, repeat following mantra to self three times - "I am a fuckwit. People hate me because I have as much personality as a slug. The world would be better off without people like me."
3. Give away all personal belongings to charity.
4. Get job as bottle collector, collecting the empty bottles of those you previously scorned, to make enough money to feed yourself.
5. Return to Internet a more humble and understanding person. Or fade away into nothingness, either one works.
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Symptoms : 1 ® 3|337.... !!1!1!!1!!!
Prognosis : Faux Elitism.
Step-by-Step cure :
1. Delete your Character map. Trust me, it's for your own good.
2. Turn off your Num Lock. Remove Num Lock key from keyboard.
3. Everytime you feel the urge to write numbers or characters instead of letters, smack yourself in the face. Preferably with something hard, if any such item is nearby.
4. Look in the mirror. You're probably between 9 and 19 years old, pimply, with thick-rimmed glasses. You're probably not very popular in school. You don't tell this to people online, but they know it anyway. As a start, get contact lenses.
5. Tell one of your grossly overweight friends or relatives that everytime you "leetspeak", they have to spank you 100 times. Whilst naked.
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Symptoms : I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG!!! PEOPLE KEEP TELLING ME NOT TO SHOUT WHEN I TALK. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEIR PROBLEM IS THOUGH, I'M A REALLY NICE PERSON AND I NEVER SHOUT!!!
Prognosis : Shoutitis.
Step-by-Step cure :
1. Turn off capslock.
2. Capslock wasn't on? Take your finger off the shift key.
3. Do you have any heavy, blunt objects lying around? Smash them on your keyboard a few times. That should fix it for good. Don't worry if you see sparks - that's natural. Douse them with water.
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Symptoms : MustSpamMore!! SometimesISpamSoFastThatIDon'tEvenHaveTimeToBreathe!!!1!!1! OtherPeopleCan'tKeepUpWithMe!!! Weeeeeeeeeee!
Prognosis : Spammerificus Dysfunction.
Step-by-Step cure :
1. Locate SpaceBar.
2. Put following message onto a post-it note, and leave on monitor for quick reference - "I must not post more than 3 times within one minute."
3. If above rule is broken, do following : Unplug computer. Removes plug from end of computer lead. Throw plug away. Go outside in the sunshine and do not return for forty days and forty night. Or until you starve to death, whichever comes first.
4. If you make it back alive, make sure your online activities are supervised by an adult at all times.
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Symptoms : A/S/L??? duz N E 1 wnt 2 ch@ 2 me ?????
Prognosis : Immaturitis.
Step-by-Step cure :
1. You're probably a teenage girl. Repeat following sentence to self three times before bed - "Paedophiles do exist."
2. Just accept the fact that nobody wants to talk to you. You're the laughing stock of the internet. People online are constantly taking the piss out of you. If anybody acutally does answer you seriously and want to "ch@" then you can rest assured that they're just as pathetic as you.
3. Say the following statement to your parents - "I want you to cancel the ISP." Don't worry, I know that you didn't understand anything over than "I want" in there, but your parents will understand fine.
4. Try for a boyfriend in real life first. The internet is full of people infinately smarter than you. You don't want to aim too high to begin with.
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Symptoms : I'm an American, and proud of it!
Prognosis : Americanus Patrioticus.
Step-by-Step cure :
1. Sorry. There's no hope for you.
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Take Me Back
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