The Cat To English Dictionary





The Truth About Cats

Dogs come when they're called; Cats take a message and get back to you later.
Cats don't like being baptized.
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
A cat is always on the wrong side of the door.
A cat will always sit on whatever you're trying to read.
A cat's purr: The most effective stress medicine known.
Cats are quite good at domesticating humans.
Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.
Cats know Mom's black suede gloves are giant tarantulas that need to be killed.
Cats must attack their human's shoelaces when they are tying them.
Cats must crawl into the dishwasher when it is full of clean dishes.
It's always darkest before you step on the cat.
Cats must rub against your legs while you're carrying two bags of grocieries.
You're not a real person until you're ignored by a cat. 






WHAT IS A CAT?
    Cats do what they want when they want.
    They rarely listen to you.
    They're totally unpredictable.
    When you want to play, they want to be alone.
    When you want to be alone, they want to play.
    They expect you to cater to their every whim.
    They're moody.
    They leave hair everywhere.
Conclusion:  Cats are tiny women in little fur coats.

WHAT IS A DOG?
    Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
    They can hear a package of food being opened half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
    They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
    They growl when they are not happy.
    When you want to play, they want to play.
    When you want to be alone, they want to play.
    They leave their toys everywhere.
    They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
    They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.
Conclusion:  Dogs are tiny men in little fur coats.





Things Dogs Must Try To Remember...

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop or licking my privates.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose on her.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Dad's driver's license and car registration.




Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

  1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
  2. Pilot-"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
  3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.
  4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
  5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
  6. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
  7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
  8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
  9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
  10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."
  11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!
  12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
  13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
  14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I as you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
  15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
  16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."




Warning

"In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.

We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them.

We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear manure:

  • Black bear manure is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur.
  • Grizzly bear manure has little bells in it and smells like pepper.





A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends emails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb.




Funny Pictures
Lady Vixen's Shack