"How Do I Live"
by Leann Rimes


How do I,
Get through the night without you?

The Slayers gang sits around a table at an inn, eating dinner…or rather, three of them are devouring dinner, two are sipping hot beverages, and one is simply watching, and hoping for a meal of another kind.  As he notices the speed of eating finally start to slow down, Zelgadis clears his throat.

“I’ve discovered a possible cure.” he says, “ButI’ll have to go alone this time.  It’s far too dangerousfor anyone else to come along, so please don’t anyone try to followme…I’ll be gone in the morning.”

At this announcement, Lina says nothing, simply stands up from the tableand walks slowly toward her room. As soon as she gets there, she starts tocry, muffling her sobs in her pillow.  “Why does he have to leaveagain?  Why?!” she wails into the damp pillow


If I had to live without you,
What kind of life would that be?

“He said it was dangerous, what if he never comes back from this one…what if he’s killed?  No, I can’t let him do it alone.” she says resolutely.  She hears a knock on her door and hastily scrubs at her face, turning the pillow upside-down and leaning on it to hide the damp marks of tears…it wouldn’t do to have anyone see the great Lina Inverse crying!  “Come in!” she calls

Zelgadis opens the door slowly and enters the room, a slightly apprehensive expression on his face.  “What are you so upset about Lina?” he asks, “It’s not as though I haven’t gone off on my own before.”  He sits down on a chair near her bed.

“It’s nothing Zel, really, just that you’re my best friend, and I can’t stand the thought of you risking your life yet again…I couldn’t stand it if you didn’t come back this time.”

Oh, I
I need you in my arms, need you to hold,

Privately to herself, she says what she will never say to him: ‘Zel, I love you so much, I never want to see you hurt, I want to spend years and years with you, the rest of my life, if you’ll let me, I hate being parted from you for even a second.’

Zelgadis is surprised to see the sadness and longing in her eyes...almost as though she is more upset by this than she’s saying.  No, he can’t allow himself to hope…after all this is done, after he’s found his cure and is worthy, when he no longer has to worry about hurting her just by touching her, perhaps then he might look to see a glimmer ofaffection in those ruby eyes, but not yet, she can’t love him likethis, no one can…but if only…

You're my world, my heart, my soul,
If you ever leave,
Baby you would take away everything good in my life,

Zelgadis graces Lina with one of his rare smiles. “Lina, I promiseyou, I won’t be gone long, and when I get back we’ll talk aboutthis some more.  There’s something I wish to ask you, but notjust yet.”

“Zel, please tell me…I think I need to know it…I’m scared you’re not going to come back from this one…” Lina’s eyes are definitely starting to glisten as though she’s going to cry…with a great deal of willpower she manages to suppress the urge to throw herself against him, wrap her arms around him, and wail and sob into his chest.

Zel shakes his head. “No, Lina, I’ll be just fine, and thiscan wait.” he says firmly, gently but awkwardly patting her hand.

And tell me now
How do I live without you?
I want to know,

“But…” Lina protests.

Zel shakes his head and whispers “Sleeping”.  He catches her suddenly limp body and arranges her in the bed.  When he picks up the pillow she was leaning on, he can feel how damp it is.  He looks more carefully at Lina’s face, and can see the faint trails of hastily scrubbed-away tears down her cheeks.

“She was…crying?” he whispers wonderingly, trailing his fingers over the marks as he brushes her bangs out of her face.  “I’ll be back soon Lina, I promise I’ll come back to you.” he saysas he tucks the covers gently up around her.  With one longing lookbehind him he closes the door and goes back to his own room, packing histhings quickly and slipping out the window before anyone can try to waylayhim.

How do I breathe without you?
If you ever go,

Lina wakes up the next morning with an undeniable sense of loss…and anger. 

“Oooohh……Zel, when you get back here your hide is mine…I’m going to make you regret casting that Sleeping spell…” she sniffles, “I’m gonna…” she starts to cry again, “OhZel, just come back safe…please…”

She can’t seem to stop crying, and suddenly she starts to get a sick, worried feeling in the pit of her stomach.  Lina has ever been one to listen to her intuition, and right now her intuition is telling her thatZelgadis will be in trouble.  She has no idea where he’s gone,so she abruptly decides to follow her next best option.  Settling backinto bed, she enters a deep trance, letting her spirit drift onto the astralplane to keep an eye on him from there.

How do I ever, ever survive?
How do I, how do I, oh how do I live?

When she doesn’t come down to breakfast, Gourry and Amelia start to get suspicious that something might be wrong, and go to check up on her.

Gourry knocks on her door, softly at first, but when she doesn’t answer, he knocks harder.  After literally pounding on the door refuses to elicit a response, Amelia casts a spell to unlock the door and the two burst in.  Lina is lying on the bed; composed with her hands across her chest, her breathing is so shallow it’s almost undetectable.

Ameila shakes her to try to wake her up, but it’s of no use.

“Lina-san!!  Wake Up!!  Please!!” she cries, “Why won’t you wake up?”

Her shouting wakes Filia, who rushes into the room as well, and Amelia immediately barrels into her arms. 

“Oh Filia-san, Lina-san won’t wake up!!” she sobs.

Xellos pops in to see what’s going on, attracted by the emotional disturbance, and takes one look at Lina, then shakes his head.  “She’s sent herself on an Astral Journey, you won’t have any luck trying to wake her.” he tells them.


Without you,
There'd be no sun in my sky,
There would be no love in my life,
There'd be no world left for me.

From a part of the Astral Plane very close to the physical world, Lina ghosts along behind Zelgadis…a fair ways behind, since she doesn’twant to be detected…and simply watches him.  She’s alwaysloved watching him when he thinks he’s unobserved, he’s alwaysso much more relaxed.  Somehow, though, he looks sad at the moment. This surprises Lina.  He should be happy!  After all, he’sgoing after a cure for his curse, right?  Even the chance of that shouldhave him happy, but he seems a little sombre.

‘I suppose when you’ve had so many “chances’ turn out to be nothing, it’s a little difficult not to become somewhat discouraged.’ she muses.

The thought of his quest for his cure sends her into melancholy as well.  She wishes she knew what this “chance’ is…and why she’s been getting such forebodings of danger from even the mention of it.  She shudders at the thought of what she would do without Zel there to keep her temper in check, to balance her…She doesn’t EVER want to live in a world without him in it, that she knows for sure.

And I,
Baby I don't know what I would do,
I'd be lost if I lost you,

“All this pondering and I almost lost track of him!” Lina berates herself as she hurries after Zel’s rapidly retreating form. 

If she weren’t in Spirit form, she would indeed have lost him for sure, since he is using his demonic speed, but she keeps up admirably, although he is gaining some distance on her.


Zelgadis is sure he can sense something behind him.  He turns and looks back, but there is no one there…odd. 

“Must be that damned Mazoku.” he mutters to himself and continues to run along the road.  Somehow he can’t seem to get Lina’s tears out of his mind.  Just the fact that she was crying at all shocks him.  After all, this is LINA, slayer of bandits and taunter of Mazoku, the happy-go-lucky girl who never lets anything get to her…or so he’d always thought.  Could he have been so wrong?


Lina sees Zel check behind him and freezes.  Could he have sensed her?  Was she too close even at this range?  But no, he turns around again and resumes his pace of before, so she resumes her trek through the astral plane after him, determined not to let him out of her sight

If you ever leave,
Baby you would take away everything real in my life,

Zel has been running for two days straight since Lina started following him when he finally takes the time to rest.  Setting up camp in a well-protected thicket, he lights a small, smokeless fire and catches and prepares a rabbit on a spit over it, placing an old, dented coffeepot full of water to oneside of the small blaze.  Lina hovers nearby, entranced in watchingthe swift, efficient grace of movement with which he performs the most mundaneof actions seemingly without effort.  His mannerisms have always remindedher of a hunting cat…perhaps a leopard, or a tiger; one of those lonehunters who spring upon their prey from hiding and tolerate the nearnessof others of their own kind with disdain at best, and hostility at worst. Just watching him like this is driving her mad.  She has to talk tohim.  Once he falls asleep, she decides, that is the time to slip intohis consciousness and have a good talk with him about leaving her behind.

And tell me now,
How do I live without you?
I want to know,

“Please, Lina-san, you have to get this down.” Amelia pleadsfutilely as she holds Lina’s inert body in a sitting position whileFilia tries to spoon broth into her mouth.

“Lina-san, you have to eat something, your body will die without sustenance!” Amelia cries as once again the broth simply trickles out the sides of Lina’s mouth to be wiped away by an ever-attentive Gourry.

“On the farm at home, when we wanted one of the animals to take medicine or something, we’d always put it as far down their throat as possible before pouring it, then pinch their nose and stroke their throat to makethem swallow.” Gourry suggests.

Both Amelia and Filia stare at him for a second, but his suggestion is eminently practical, and they immediately put it into use.  It’s slow going, but they manage to actually get Lina to swallow some of the broth. It’s not all that sustaining, but given their options, it’s theirbest alternative until they can find a way to make Lina wake up.


How do I breathe without you?
If you ever go,

Efficient as always, Zelgadis eats quickly, burying the remains of his meal upwind of his camp a ways and banking his fire for the night, then rollshimself into his cloak and closes his eyes to sleep.  That state eludeshim, however.  Instead, he keeps seeing Lina’s face, with itsfaint tracings of tear tracks down it, and feeling an immense guilt

‘You made her cry.’ his conscience informs him coldly. ‘You made her cry, and when you realised it what did you do? You snuck out like a thief in the night.  Couldn’t even stickaround to see WHY she was so upset, could you.  The thought that yourfeelings for her might be reciprocated scares the wits out of you, doesn’tit.  You’d much rather be the misunderstood, pathetic one lurkingin the corner and nursing a glass of wine as you watch your unrequited lovefrom a distance and fantasise about a day you are sure will never come.’

Zelgadis tosses uneasily, trying to silence the scornful voice in his head and get some much-needed rest.  He closes his eyes and determinedlyempties his mind of all thoughts.

How do I ever, ever survive?
How do I, how do I, oh how do I live?

Lina feels her breath catch in her metaphorical throat as she watches Zel struggle for sleep.  Where he thinks himself unobserved, he is muchmore open about letting his emotions show on his face, and she can see thatsomething is disturbing him.  Slowly and carefully she drifts closer,trailing ghostly astral fingers over his face and watching them pass throughhis skin slightly.

“Oh Zel…” she breaths, “If only I could touch you like this…but you’d never let anyone that close, would you?”


Zel senses a disturbance, and opens his eyes swiftly, but all he sees iswhat seems to be the trailing edge of a black cape…even then, it couldjust be a forest shadow thrown by the pallid new moon.  It felt so realthough, almost as though someone was touching his face softly.  He issure now that someone or something is following him, but he is at a lossto identify his pursuer.  He scents the breeze and thinks he can smella faint whiff of Lina’s scent, but he dismisses it as an impossibility. Even using Ray Wing, there is no way she could have caught up with him, especially since he had placed that sleep spell on her.  He grins suddenly as he imagines what her face must have looked like when she woke up.  No doubt he’d catch it for that one when he returned…Lina was not the type to just forgive and forget. 

With a soft chuckle at the thought, he rolls over again and falls asleep, dreaming of a human body with which to hold and love the only woman he has ever desired.

Please tell me baby,
How do I go on?

Lina watches until she’s sure Zel is asleep, then, much more slowly this time, inches toward him.  Hovering over him, she reaches down out of the Astral realm to dip her hands delicately into his consciousness, and, closing her eyes, looks into his dream.


In his dream, Zelgadis is no longer a Chimera.  His quest has obviously succeeded, and although he is human, something still seems lacking for him.  He had been so excited to show Lina his new, or rather, old, form, but for some reason he can’t find her.  It’s as though she’s dropped off the face of the planet.  No bandit raids, no inns complaining of being eaten out of all their stock, it’s almost as though she isn’t there anymore…and it has him worried.  His cure does him no good if he has no one to share it with, and the only one he wants to share itwith is not there.  He walks along sadly toward the next village. Perhaps here…

When he reaches the inn, he hears familiar voices…he’s almost positive that’s Gourry’s voice, but what about Lina…?

If you ever leave,
Baby you would take away everything,

Quietly he slips into the dimly lit inn, and looks around for his formertravelling companions…and one spunky redhead in particular. In a corner booth he sees Gourry’s unmistakable form devouring a wholechicken…

‘But why isn’t Lina fighting him for it?’ he wonders to himself.

A little hesitantly he approaches the table and clears his throat.

“Hello Gourry…nice to see you again.” he says as he sits down.  He looks around and notices that Amelia is there as well, but they’re the only ones…no Lina.  “Amelia.  How have you been?  Where’s Lina?”

Amelia squints at him for a minute, then her whole countenance takes on an angry look he’s never seen on her before, and never imagined she was capable of.
“Zelgadis…” she growls, “You’re gone for a year and a half, and then, after all that’s happened you have the gall to show up in front of us and ask where Lina is as if it’s nothing…”

She bursts into tears and Gourry rubs her back soothingly and glares at Zel, who is beginning to get a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach.

“Where is she?!” he asks desperately, holding Gourry’sangry gaze.

“Lina died two months after you left.” Gourry tells him coldly.


I need you with me,

Zel slumps in the chair, his head in his hands.  It all makes sensenow, the lack of rumours of her, the feeling of dread he’d had in thepit of his stomach starting out on his journey, all of it.

“How?” he whispers.  He has to know, even if it hurts…especially if it hurts…


Lina can’t take any more of this; she can’t stand to see Zelin pain like this…not from something which has never and will nevercome to pass.  Desperately she reaches out, trying to sink into thedream and speak to him, but it’s as though it’s just beyond herreach.

“ZEL!!” she screams, trying to get him to hear her, to help her in, “ZEL, I’M RIGHT HERE!!”


“She went to sleep.”  Gourry is explaining to Zel in his dream, “She went to sleep, and she didn’t wake up.  We tried to feed her, but she slowly wasted away into nothing but skin and bones,and after two months she finally just…died…”

Baby don't you know that you're everything,
Real in my life?

Lina keeps trying and trying to reach Zel.  Suddenly she becomes aware that it’s a cord tied to her waist that’s keeping her from being able to reach far enough.  In aggravation she begins to pick at it,wishing she had some kind of a weapon with a sharp edge so she could cutit and go to comfort the man she loved, who, it seemed, might just love hertoo.

The cord slowly begins to fray under her constant efforts, and she realises with glee that he’s beginning to be aware of her.  She picks even more frantically at this annoying binding which is keeping her from him.


Zelgadis looks up.  He’s sure he can faintly hear Lina’s voice calling for him.  It must just be his imagination…right?  The dream abruptly goes very still and he listens with all his heart, trying to hear what he thought he heard.  Faintly he begins to see her outline materialising…and faintly he can make out her words.
“…Zel…?  …You can see me…?”

When he nods, she gets a determined look on her face.

“…Alright…Just need to cut the rest of this…damned cord around my waist and…”

Zel’s eyes go wide in a horror of realisation.

“Lina!  NO!!” he shouts, swiftly rising from his dreamsinto the Astral Plane.

And tell me now,
How do I live without you,
I want to know,

Grasping both her hands in his, he gently but firmly removes them from the fraying remnants of her Soul Cord

“What do you think you’re DOING!?” he shouts at her

“You were upset, and I wanted to go to you and show you I was alright, but this stupid rope was holding me back.” Lina glowers, trying tofree her hands.

“Lina, that’s your Soul Cord…Your LIFE!  If you cut it off you’ll die!  How long have you been out of your body that you’ve forgotten that?!”

Lina looks a little pale.  “What are you talking about? I’m just fine!  I’ve been following you, that’s all. I had a horrible feeling like something bad was going to happen, so onceI woke up I went to the astral plane to follow you and keep an eye on you.

Zel calculates swiftly in his head.

“Two days?!  You’ve been away from your body for TWO WHOLE DAYS?!”

Examining her closely, he can see that her soul is beginning to wear thin.  He can almost see his own hand through hers where he’s holding it.  The sick feeling in his stomach returns.

“Alright Lina, you’re going back, and you’re doing it NOW.” he says firmly.

How do I breathe without you?
If you ever go,

Lina goes a little paler. “Zel…”she whispers in a frightened voice, “I’m not sure how…I don’t know where it is anymore…”

Zelgadis feels as though someone has clenched a fist around his heart and twisted.  It is a decision he hadn’t ever wanted to be faced with, but he makes it in an instant.  After all, Lina’s life is at stake, he can’t afford to be picky about this if he is to have a chance at saving her.

“I’ll take you back.” he reassures her, softly rubbingher arms, “Stay here, I’ll be right back.”


Sinking back into his body, Zelgadis forces himself first to wake up, then to trance.  He reaches inside himself and breaks the barrier he setlong ago on certain parts of his Mazoku nature…hoping and prayingto L-sama that he’d be able to control himself until he gets his loveback to her body and knows she will live. 
He opens his eyes again, and now he can clearly see the barrier between the astral and physical planes.  Taking a deep breath and holding himself in check, he steps back in next to Lina.

How do I ever, ever survive?
How do I, how do I, oh how do I live?

Lina gasps and shivers slightly as she feels the aura of his power wash over her.  He even looks different…His skin is pale and smooth, and his hair soft…but he’s obviously not human.  The cold,unreflective blue of his slit-pupiled eyes proclaims what he has become tosave her…Mazoku.

“Zel…?” she asks hesitantly.  She watches him fight for control before he smiles at her.

“Come with me, I’ll get you back safely.” he assures her, as he takes her hands in his.


They speed across the Astral Plane, Zelgadis following the trail of herswiftly fraying Soul Cord.  The urge to devour her life-energies isstrong…he hadn’t allowed the Mazoku part of himself to feedsince he had first been changed, and it HUNGERS, but he concentrates on rememberingthat this is LINA, the ONE HE LOVES not FOOD FOR MAZOKU.

When he reaches the inn room and looks down, the rest of their party surrounds the bed.  Gently, and with all the tenderness he possesses, he pushes her soul back down into her body.

“Go, my love.  Live.  For me.” he whispers just before her eyes begin to flutter open.

He can feel the Mazoku coming for him, can feel their anger, and their need to eradicate this possible competitor from their midst.

How do I live without you?

Lina sits up abruptly, tumbling Amelia off the corner of the bed where she had been sitting.

“Zel!!” she cries, anguish in her voice, “Don’t leave me!  I would rather have died with you!  If you die I will as well!”


Xellos feels a tremor along the bond the Demonsblood talismans give him with Lina and he swears slightly under his breath.

“These things only happen when I’ve just slipped into the hot springs.” He mutters, “Ah well, Zelas would have my head if I let anything happen to Lina before we’re finished with her, and Mother…” he shudders slightly at the thought.

Materialising his clothes, he quickly shifts to the room where Lina’s formerly sleeping body is.  She is awake, but she is screaming to the Chimera, who is…on the Astral Plane?!?  Xellos takes a good look at him and realises the problem.  Somehow he’s managed to make his body almost fully Mazoku…and the other Lesser Mazoku are trying to challenge him.  With an open-eyed glare, he stands between them and the Chimera, brandishing his staff menacingly.  The horde of LesserMazoku backs off slightly, and he turns to Zelgadis.

“Get out of here now…you won’t be able to change backuntil you’re on the physical plane.” he hisses.

How do I live without you baby?

For once, Zelgadis doesn’t question Xellos.  He quickly stepsout of the Astral Plane onto the Physical, and finds himself wrapped in Lina’s arms almost instantly.
“Ohgodszeldon’tscaremelikethat!” she jabbers, “Ithoughtyouweregoingtodieinthereandleavemeallaloneagainand…”

He wraps his arms around her and holds her gently.  “I’ll be okay now Lina, I just have to push the Mazoku down again and…

“Wait!”  Lina has a speculative look on her face. 


She wraps her arms around his shoulders and goes limp as she trances to look inside him.  Just as she suspected.  There is a seal which hasbeen hidden in his unconscious.  Reaching in astrally, she takes itin both hands, and with all her strength, she breaks it.


Zel’s eyes go wide as knowledge pours into his conscious mind.  Suddenly it’s so clear!  All he has to do in order to achievea human form is use the Mazoku part of his nature to force the change…and it’s even reversible!  He can become human, or mostly so, andstill have the use of this body with its near-invulnerability and super-humanstrength!

He closes his eyes and triggers this change the same way he did the one to free his Mazoku nature, and when he opens his eyes again, he looks down at his arms to see FLESH!  Not stone, but real, human flesh.  Softly he smiles at Lina.

“Thank you.” he whispers softly as he leans down to kiss her.