Bs”d
TV, Movies, Video Games & the Internet / Raising Children with
Better Values Easier
Preparing for a night out, my aunt called the
babysitter. She was relieved that a caretaker was available. The children weren’t
as pleased. Hearing her name, they protested, “Not her again! She shouts too
much!” Considering the pleas as exaggerations, their parents didn’t cancel.
They really had “no other choice.” However, to play it safe they bugged their
bedroom, placing a functioning tape-recorder under their bed, before they left.
Upon returning, they thanked the babysitter and said
goodbye. Listening to the tape revealed what they had feared – the babysitter
shouted forcefully at their crying baby. Needless to say, their goodbye was
their last goodbye. What would you do in their situation?
As parents, we are
careful that our children should avoid bad influences and danger. We try to
advise them to have good friends. However, we may have overlooked a major
source of negative influence – the television and other media.
A tape-recorder isn’t necessary to confirm the hazard
of the TV and Internet to the values of our children. We already take them for
granted. We know that our kids have easy access to pornographic and offensive
material through the Internet. We know that the average TV viewer sees
thousands of acts of crime, terror and violence each year - including assault
and murder. We know that children learn from the unbecoming role models of
today’s generation – imitating their deeds, dress and disrespectful behavior.
Aside from eroding a child’s values, these viewings can depress and traumatize
viewers.
So what is a good parent to do to protect children
from these “babysitters”?
In the past a
child learned misbehavior from the “streets.” Today, people bring the “streets”
home through TV. Parents teach children proper behavior and attitudes. However,
TV delivers the opposite message, showing them how to think, speak and act
improperly. Teaching proper values among the TV’s influence is like blowing out
a candle behind a window – in both a glass screen deflects efforts.
Children look to
parents for what is acceptable. They not only learn priorities in life by
listening but by observing actions and reactions. By bringing children to
movies, buying them video games, allowing them to cruise the web freely and the
letting them watch any programs they like, parents unconsciously express that
behavior seen by these media are acceptable. Any protests of parents thereafter
of unbecoming behavior learned by the media may fall on deaf ears because
parents have already given their stamp of approval.
Families following
TV programs religiously convey that their aspirations for children are found in
Hollywood’s values. One can believe that they are teaching children proper
values by preaching them and yet send the opposite message by unconsciously
endorsing whatever they are impressed, concerned or involved with.
The rate of Jewish
intermarriage, over 70% in some areas in the country, reflects our readily
acceptance of society’s values coupled with our children’s lack of a solid
Jewish education from home and school. It is in part due to parents being more
impressed by good diplomas, jobs and television than by good deeds, Judaism and
Torah.
In comparison, parents concerning themselves with
their kids’ spiritual development - providing a warm Jewish upbringing and
sending children to Jewish schools - are now enjoying the fruits. Out of 100
children that received an Orthodox Jewish education at home and at school, 98
of them married Jews. (1990
National Jewish Population Study by the Council of Jewish Federations)
Studies show that viewing violence breeds violence and
watching profanity instills profanity. People become more tolerant of what they
have seen – offensive acts become “not so bad” in their eyes - and they become
more likely to commit them. News about recent school violence is a proof.
School violence is more widespread now than when TV did not exist. Just recently a young boy of 12 killed a 6
year-old girl by imitating professional wrestling movies. (New York Times, Jan
26, 2001, Boy Convicted of Murder in Wrestling Death)
Today’s youth uses vulgar speech. Young girls imitate
the lives of fashion magazine models. Boys bring weapons and drugs to school.
They are the products of the values glamorized by the media.
Advertising is based on one principle – what one sees
one wants. The more one sees, the more one wants – did you ever bring a child
to a toy store? However, when a person wants what he can’t have, he feels a
lack. Avoiding viewing all the toys and things that are inaccessible will
prevent a child from feeling unfulfilled and ultimately help a child to live a
happier life.
Advertising sways
people to follow aspirations that may not be their own. Those that pursue the
popular goals that ads glamorize - like the pursuit of wealth, status and power
– while neglecting goals that are more meaningful to them end up dissatisfied.
Had these ads’ aspirations not been inculcated as deeply these people could
have found more happiness. A child that understands his or her true goals can
live a more meaningful life.
“Opportunity cost”
of watching television is also cause for concern. Its “opportunity cost” is
reading books, doing homework, playing sports, socializing, doing chores,
following hobbies, participating in extracurricular and cultural activities,
learning Torah, doing Mitzvoth, doing good deeds, etc.
Mothers agree that decreasing TV viewing helps
children to be more well-balanced individuals; to develop better relationships
with parents and siblings; to get higher grades; and to become better people.
Children can live happier lives with less TV. To
attain lasting happiness, both physical and spiritual needs must be met.
Consistently watching TV causes one to be more materialistic and less
spiritual. Neglecting ones spiritual needs causes a lack of happiness in life.
For a Jew, the way to spiritual fulfillment is through the Torah - other
manners of fulfilling spiritual needs do not provide true satisfaction.
Focusing more on spirituality through Torah helps a child attain true
satisfaction in life.
Images captured by the mind remain with us for life. A
healthy diet of positive influences is better nutrition for kids’ lifetime
values than the food that TV provides. Thus the Chief Rabbinical Sages of our
generation, who are highly knowledgeable in Torah values (“Daat Torah”), are of
the opinion of doing without the TV in one’s home.
This is the most
effective solution to help uphold a wholesome family life. Though it may not be
right everyone - because the TV has become so engrained in one’s life that it
would be difficult to go “cold turkey” – for the concerned parents it is surely
a worthwhile goal to work towards. (Please see Table 1 on Guarding Children
from Offensive TV.)
Jewish homes without television enjoy more respect,
peace and satisfaction from children than their television-populated
counterparts. Even families that rested from watching television for a week
said that their family life, happiness, satisfaction, relationships and
communication improved that week. Persistent efforts to decrease the media’s
influence on our lives will help us to gain similar benefits.
One of the greatest obstacles in limiting TV viewing
is not convincing the children - although they will likely protest – it’s
convincing oneself that the cons outweigh the pros. It is up to parents to assess
how important the morality of their children are to them – especially Jewish
parents, for we are responsible not only for our kids’ physical well-being but
also for their spiritual well-being – their pure souls (neshamas).
“Relaxation” gained from being tuned to TV is spoiled
by the loss incurred - aggravations caused by degraded family’s values. This
includes disrespect, vulgarity, promiscuity, teenage pregnancy, intermarriage,
drug abuse, alcoholism and violence. As parents, we should ask ourselves “Is
the “escape” of watching a guy sweat on “How to be a Millionaire” worth the
long-term degradation of our children’s values?” (We ourselves are also not
immune.)
We, the Jewish people, aspire to be a holy nation. The
television and Internet are risks to that aspiration. Producers and advertisers
goals are to gain high viewer ratings. They frequently produce provocative
scenes to attract the most viewers (a marketing technique called appealing to
the “lowest common denominator”) – which runs in direct opposition to our
Jewish people’s mission.
Allowing children
to view TV without restriction allows the imaginations of immoral writers
corrupt the minds of innocent children. Values that took decades to instill
could be lost in a flash.
Taking the “easy
path” now - allowing children to view whatever they feel like – frequently ends
up with difficulties in the end – lack of communication, weaker family
relationships and ties, degraded family values, laziness in acts and thought,
uncooperative children, weakened Jewish identity and continuity, etc.
Restricting
offensive media, on the other hand, is an investment in our family’s future. It
may be challenging at first to explain the new limits to a child, but in the
long-run family relations and communications will surely improve and life will
become smoother.
The Internet has
opened new vistas in accessing information. Never has such a wide variety of
quick information been so easily available to the individual. The free access
to information has its pros and cons. Your kid can research a school project in
minutes. Then again, he or she can view grossly offensive material in seconds
too.
I once asked Rav
Morgenstern, the Rabbinical Representative of Rav Eliyashiv, one of the Chief
Rabbinical Sages of our generation, what Daat Torah thinks about the Internet.
After recognizing the importance of the Internet as a business tool, he said
that according to Rabbi Eliyashiv if one needs the Internet for business or
professional purposes, one may utilize it. If one works at home, they should
prevent children’s access to it.
The most effective
way to avoid children from viewing this material is to remove access to the
Internet. However, other alternatives exist to guarding your children from the dangers
of the Internet. (Please see table 2 for a list of suggestions to Keeping Kids
Safe on the Internet.)
As parents we define our priorities and goals for our
families. What are the objectives that we have set for our family? Are they
consistent with raising children with noble values of our Jewish heritage? Once
our goals and priorities are more clearly defined, it is easier to raise our
families to be respectful, to follow good examples and to avoid bad influences
including drugs, violence, vulgarity and promiscuity.
Weighing the gains of watching TV vs. the losses to
our family is one issue we must tackle. Is it helpful or detrimental to raising
children with proper Jewish values? Assessing whether each source of influence
will have a positive or negative effect on children’s values allows us to
protect our children against “bad babysitters” and to guide our family towards
its goals.
Removing the bad
influences is not enough to raise good children. Teaching proper values is also
necessary by assuring that kids have positive mentors, friends, acquaintances,
caretakers and learning material. Setting an example is the most powerful
lesson. But regularly teaching them the values of our Torah – from stories
about righteous people (Tzaddikim) to Jewish laws of proper speech to how to do
good deeds and the mitzvoth – will also help us to ultimately raise children of
valor.
Providing wholesome messages to children through our
behavior, our teachings and their environment is the first step in helping them
to reach their best.
==
Table 1 – 10 ways to Guard Children from
Offensive TV - arranged according to amount of protection to provide for
children:
Discussing the effects that watching violence and degraded values on
television have on people with children is also an idea. Depending upon the
kids age and receptivity, they can be guided to critically evaluate programs
and avoid those that are filled with violence or unbecoming behavior. Be
prepared to provide activities – including family leisure - for the time they
will gain from reduced TV watching. Once weaned from excessive TV, kids will
likely prefer quality time with parents more than any TV program. From there,
watch your relationships with your children improve.
==
Table 2- Keeping Kids Safe on the Internet -
arranged according to amount of protection to provide for children:
1.
Most
Protection –Remove the computer modem or access to the Internet. Nowadays, free
access to the Internet is readily available. Be aware if you find new programs
on your computer that may allow children to access the Internet without your
knowledge. (To check in Windows 95/98/ME, open “My Computer”, then open the
“dial-up networking” folder to see if Internet Service Providers (ISPs) that
you do not recognize are listed)
2.
For
those who only need e-mail - Subscribe to an ISP that only provides e-mail.
3.
For
those who want their children to surf the web - Subscribe to an internet
provider that provides content screening (koshernet.net is one example.)
4.
Purchase
and install a commercially available Internet content screening program.
5.
Subscribe
to a regular Internet Service Provider (ISP) and enable the “Content Advisor”
of your web browser program. (In Microsoft Internet Explorer – With the mouse
select “Tools” menu, then “Internet Options”, then the “Content Tab”, press on
“Enable…” button. Then go through the tabs to select what is acceptable for
you)
6.
Change
you password to one that only you know regularly so that your children must ask
you before accessing the Internet.
7.
Know
how children use the Internet and who their “online buddies” are. Know what
“newsgroups” - electronic message boards on a certain subject - they follow.
Thousands of subjects exist for “newsgroups – from the harmless to the
offensive. Find out which “chat rooms” they frequent and who they “chat” with.
Many times a child may interact with others on the Internet by “chatting”
–which is like talking on the phone but instead of talking, users type. They
see the messages they write on their screens. Kids can meet people that may use
foul language, have low moral values or be outright dangerous.
8.
Periodically
check the history of sites visited, to know which sites your children or family
members visit. (In Microsoft Internet Explorer – With the mouse press the
“History” button on the upper portion of the screen. A list of sites recently
visited will appear in a pane on the left hand side of the screen.)
9.
Remove
the ability to view graphics so that even if one surfs the web they will avoid
seeing improper images. (In MS Internet
Explorer 5.0 – On “Tools” menu select “Internet Options…”, then select the
“Advanced” tab. Scroll down to Multimedia subcategory and uncheck “Play animations”, “Play videos”
and/or “Show pictures”. Then press “OK”)
10. Supervise them when they use the
Internet.
Please be advised that resourceful children can
circumvent the suggestions above. For instance a child can prevent you from
seeing what sites they visited by clearing the History list, or removing the
History button from the screen, or by deleting certain History entries, or by
making sure that the browser program does not record the sites visited. Be on
alert for signs of circumvention.
==
Table 3 - Suggested Reading
|
Raising Children to Care: A Jewish
Guide to Childrearing |
Helps Jewish parents train themselves
and their children to become loving, self-disciplined, and responsible.
Miraim Adahan. Feldheim. |
|
|
Planting & Building in Education:
Raising a Jewish Child |
The author, Rabbi Wolbe, an
acknowledged Torah authority and one of the foremost spiritual leaders of our
time presents basic guidelines for parenting and education. By Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe. Feldheim. |
|
|
The Delicate Balance: Love and
Authority in Torah Parenting |
Child-rearing with a Torah
perspective. Written with wisdom,
sensitivity, and practical knowledge.
By Sarah Chana Radcliffe. Feldheim |
|
|
Make Me, Don't Break Me |
Rabbi Gans, a pre-eminent educator,
draws on years of school experience to advise us in our quest to motivate our
children and students. Make Me, Don't Break Me is full of real-life
situations that we encounter every day, at home and in the classroom. |
|
|
Positive Parenting |
Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski, M.D. and
Ursula Schwartz, Ph.D. are outstanding mental health practitioners. In this
practical book they say, "Let's concentrate on how to do things right,
and how the Torah and Jewish tradition counsel us to raise our children."
Artscroll Mesorah |
|
|
More Effective Jewish Parenting |
Miriam Levi has guided thousands of
families to richer, happier lives, based on sound and sensible advice that is
consistent with Torah principles. This new, expanded edition of her very
popular modern classic includes new chapters on "The Difficult
Child," "Education for Torah Living," and "The Teenage
Years." Artscroll Mesorah |
|
|
Bedtime Stories Of Torah Values |
Shmuel Blitz is back with a new
collection of bedtime stories that teach children Jewish values. Artscroll
Mesorah |
|
|
Bedtime Stories Of Jewish Values |
The values that we all want our
children to absorb - faith, kindness, forgiveness, charity - are made clear
through traditional, biblical stories coupled with examples, and charming
illustrations. By Shmuel Blitz. Artscroll Mesorah |
|
|
The Kids' Kosher Cookbook |
Super-simple recipes for
beginners. Includes important
information on kashrus and kitchen safety.
With exciting color graphics. By Miriam Zakon. Feldheim |
|
|
Ima, I'm Bored |
A listing of activities, travel games,
birthday party ideas, etc. A must for
parents, teachers, and babysitters!
By Aviva Rubinoff. Feldheim |
|
|
Maggid Stories For Children |
Chaviva Krohn Pfeiffer selects the
cream of the stories made famous by her father and, with a deft touch and
rare sensitivity, serves them up for children. Artscroll Mesorah |
|
|
Pirkei Avos - Illustrated Youth
Edition |
This book brings timeless wisdom to a
new generation. Designed for youngsters to bring a classic to life. Complete
Hebrew text, simplified translation and commentary, in full-color. Artscroll
Mesorah |
|
|
We Want Life: A Pictorial Guide to the
Laws of Loshon Hora and Rechilus |
Teaches the Jewish laws of guarding
one's speech, according to the rulings of the Chofetz Chaim, in a charming
and thorough fashion. Clever
drawings. Feldheim. |
|
The books above are available at Jewish bookstores or at Jerusalem Life – www.jerusalemlife.com - 718-326-3220.
===
Matatia Chetrit is the president of the Jewish Education Network (www.torahkids.org) – a non-profit organization that helps enroll children in Jewish Schools and distributes a free guide entitled “A Better Chance in Life – the 10 Advantages of a Jewish Education”. He also runs Jerusalem Life (www.jerusalemlife.com) – a Jewish bookstore and mc2 – a marketing consulting company. You can contact him at 718-326-3220 or via e-mail at jenet@iname.com.