bs"d
Jewish Marriage
---------------
Married Life
It was the custom [in ancient Judea] to plant a ceder
tree when a boy was born, and to plant a pine when a girl was
born; and when they were married, the canopy was made of branches
woven from both trees. (Talmud: Gittin 57a) This beautiful
tradition may stem from what is stated in the Zohar (The Jewish
book of Mysticism). When a soul is sent down from heaven, it
contains both male and female characteristics; the male elements
enter the boy baby, the female the girl baby; and if they be
worthy, G-d reunites them in marriage. The woven branches may
represent the intertwining of the soul.
Jews still experience the excitement of marriage. Even
after many years together. There are many reasons for this:
The Torah acts as a guideline for couples to act properly
and nobly with one another. It teaches each partner to
communicate effectively. It teaches them to do acts of kindness -
which helps each partner to feel the goodness in the other. A
respect of one another is built up when couples participate in
Mitzvoth and learn Torah together. Special laws promote the
importance of peaceful family relations (shalom bayit).
Modesty in dress and in living contribute to the positive
relationship Jewish couples enjoy. Women dress modestly, act
humbly and aim to please their husbands. In turn, their husbands
appreciate them for their inner graciousness and beauty. Men
respect and honor their wives with kind words and thoughts and
honor them with beautiful jewelry and clothing. In turn, their
wives feel a deeper love for them.
The laws of family purity are of the fundamentals to the
successful Jewish marriage. (see Mikvaot) The Torah guides Jewish
couples, helping to create a more fulfilling relationship. At
certain times the couple are permitted to one another. Other
times (about two weeks a month) they refrain from having
relations with one another. The separation period gives the
couple a chance to focus on better communication and allows them
to become endeared to one another again - just like when they
were newly-wed.
The marriage is reinforced and the couple learns to
appreciate their second-half.
Family purity helps to create a more stable marriage.
Evidence testifies to the stability of the Jewish family.
Comparing the percentage of first marriages broken by divorce (as
reported by the NJPS-1990) Jews by religion have almost half the
reported rate of secular Jews.
Several excellent courses, programs and books exist to
help you learn more about Jewish family purity and marital
relations. Some courses or books are geared to specifically to
women. Call the following organizations for more information
about courses and programs. You can also pick up the books at
your local Jewish book store or order them by mail.
Mikvaot - for Family Purity
Jewish couples have a secret that have helped to keep
their relationships rewarding throughout their married lives. For
thousands of years, women have been observing family purity laws.
This is one of the foundations that has given the Jewish home its
reputation for peace, beauty and sensitivity. The Torah are calls
this secret, the laws of family purity. They help to create a
balanced and interesting love life. As explained in the Talmud
(Niddah 31b):
Because a man may become over-acquainted with [his wife]
and thus repelled by her, therefore the Torah said that she
should be considered a niddah [in a state of ritual impurity] for
seven days, i.e., after the end of her period, so that she might
become beloved to her husband on the day of her purification even
as she was on the day of her marriage.
The period of separation depends upon a woman's natural
cycles. It lasts about two weeks, during which the couple remain
friendly, but refrain from physical contact. This allows the
couple a break from the demands of physical relations. As time
passes, the desire for each other is revitalized. At the
culmination of the period the wife immerses herself in purifying
waters of the mikveh. (a place where natural rain waters are
collected). Afterwards, she becomes pure again and resumes
relations with her husband. A recent scientific study found that
women who observe these laws are less likely to develop cervical
cancer.
The laws of family purity are a gift from G-d. One of the
greatest enemies of the Jews, the prophet Bilaam, was so inspired
by the pure family relations of the Jews that he blessed them
saying "How goodly are your tents oh Jacob, your dwellings oh
Israel." (Bamidbar - Numbers 24:5)
Their are many Mikvaot in New York. Below are some found
in Queens. To find one in your neighborhood, contact the local
Synagogue or look in the phone book under Mikveh. A woman who is
knowledgeable and discrete usually take care of the Mikvaot. To
learn more about them call them or speak with your local Rabbi
about family purity laws. There are some excellent books on the
subject in the Jewish reference section below.
Mikveh of Queens, 718-261-6380.
75-48 Grand Central Parkway
Forest Hills, NY 11375.
Mikveh Israel of Kew Garden Hills, Inc., 718-268-5500
71-11 Vleigh Place,
Kew Garden Hills, NY 11367
Hebrew Community Service - Mikveh - 718-327-9727
11-21 Sage,
Far Rockaway
BS"D
TEN RULES FOR A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE
By Rabbi Zelig Pliskin
(based on principles in this book and the author's counseling
experience)
1) Keep your main goal on "giving" rather than "taking." When
your goal is to give your partner pleasure, you will always find
opportunities to meet your goal. As a byproduct you too will gain
since people tend to reciprocate positive behavior.
2) Be careful to remain silent when your spouse insults you. By
ignoring slights and insults you will prevent many needless
quarrels. The momentary unpleasantness will quickly pass.
3) Give up unrealistic expectations. People come into marriage
with many expectations which are not consciously expressed. By
giving up on unrealistic expectations you will prevent
frustration and anger. Don't expect your spouse to be perfect and
don't make comparisons.
4) Avoid labeling those things which are not to your liking as
awful. Try to find a positive perspective to things.
5) Think of plans on how to motivate your spouse to want to do
what you want him or her to do. If your first strategy is not
effective, keep trying different strategies. Remember that
tactful praise is a powerful motivator.
6) Realize that the meaning of your communication is the response
you actually get. Clarify your goals. If your method of
communication is not achieving your goal, change your approach.
By keeping an eye on the main goal, which is to have a happy
marriage, you will not become side-tracked.
7) Be willing to compromise. Be willing to do something you would
rather not do in return for similar behavior from your spouse.
8) Don't blame or condemn your spouse for mistakes. Plan on the
best method to prevent the mistakes from reoccurring without
arousing resentment or hurting your spouse's feelings.
9) Live in the present. Whatever went wrong in the past is over.
Focus on improving the situation in the present.
10) Keep asking yourself: "What can I do to have a happy
atmosphere in the house?"
Anyone may reprint this page and distribute it free of charge as
long as the source and copyright is acknowledged: from Gateway to
Happiness, (c) 1983, Rabbi Zelig Pliskin
Gateway to Happiness by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin (1983)
- A practical guide to happiness and peace of mind culled from
the
full spectrum of Torah literature
- Aish HaTorah Publications
- Benei Yaakov Publications, 1742 East 7th Street, Brooklyn,
NY, 11223
- 718-376-5903
Other publications from Rabbi Zelig Pliskin (Benei Yaakov
Publications)
- Guard Your Tongue - Adapted from the Chofetz Chaim (1975)
- Love Your Neighbor (1977)
- The Power of Words (1988)
- Growth Through Torah (1988)
- Gateway to Self-Knowledge
----
Practical suggestions for a successful marriage (in addition to
Rabbi Pliskin's) by Matatia Chetrit
1. Do your homework when selecting a mate
- Get books
- Speak with Rabbis
2. Don't be too hasty or tardy to end a relationship if it is not
working. - Let Hashem guide your actions.
3. One married, make efforts to communicate effectively.
4. Make it a habit to say (at least) a kind word, compliment
every day, to express your appreciation of your spouse.
5. Learn Torah - especially mussar - together with the family.
Make it a point not to turn mussar learning into an accusation
session of others' faults. Changing takes time and patience.
6. Continuously try to improve yourself.
7. Do mitzvoth together.
8. Train your children with proper Torah values. Remember: Action
speak louder than words.
----
Recommended Books on MARRIAGE / FAMILY PURITY in JUDAISM
-------------------------------------
These books are mainly available in Jewish bookstores.
"How goodly are your tents, O Jacob, Thy dwellings, O Israel!"
(Numbers 24:4)
Pathways to a Peaceful Home
- A profound guide to to controlling anger and ensuring
domestic tranquility
- By Rabbi E. P. Teherani
- Yeshiva Birkei Yosef, Bnai Brak, Israel
The River, the Kettle and the Bird
- The Torah Guide to Successful Marriage
- Aharon Feldman (1987)
- CSB Publications, Jerusalem
- Distributed by Philip Feldheim Inc., Spring Valley, NY
To Become One
- An approach for obtaining happiness and meaning in marriage
based on the principles of the Torah through the dialogue of a
(fictional) couple seeking answers to contemporary and
challenging marital concerns
- By Rabbi Ezriel Tauber
- Shalheves, Monsey, NY
- Distributed by Phillip Feldheim, Inc.
The Jew and His Home
- A guide to observance
- By Eliyahu Kitov, Translated by Nathan Bulman
- Shengold Publishers Inc., New York, NY (1984)
The Power of Words
- A practical guide to the laws of onoas dvorim (the Torah
prohibition against causing pain with words), with alternative
approaches for effective communication.
- by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin.
- Benei Yakov Publications
Shalom Bayit: Peace in Love and Marriage - Videos
- A series on practical advice and philosophical insights into
improving marital life
- By Rabbi Abraham Benhaim
- Available from the Moroccan Jewish Organization - 718-263-
8102
Shidduchim & Zivugim
- The Torah's Perspective on Choosing Your Mate
- By Rabbi Yehudah Lebovitz (1987)
- Published by Targum Press, Distributed by Phillip Feldheim
Inc.
Family Purity
A Hedge of Roses
- Jewish Insights into Marriage and Married Life
- Norman Lamm (1987)
- Feldheim, New York
A Guide to Jewish Family Laws
- Zev Schostak
- Feldheim, New York
Taharas Am Yisroel
- a guide to the Laws of Taharas Hamishpochoh (Family Purity)
- Rabbi S. Wagschal (1983)
- Philipp Feldheim, New York
Le Judaisme et La Vie Conjugale
- Moshe David Tendler
- Fondation Sefer - Paris
Made in Heaven
- Jewish Wedding Guide
- Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan (1983)
- Moznaim Publishing Corporation, Brooklyn, NY
The Jewish Way in Love and Marriage
- Maurice Lamm
- Harper & Row, NY
The Jewish Dietary Laws
- A guide to their understanding and observance
- By Dayan Dr. I Grunfeld
- The Soncino Press London / Jerusalem / New York
Jewish Marriage - A Halakhic Ethic
- basic guidelines and advice for the development of a sound
marriage
- Rabbi Reuven Bulka (1986)
- KTAV Publishing House, Inc., NY, NY
Revelations About Marriage
- renewed and enlarged edition of the book Happiness in
Marriage
- reveals the deep dimension of married life through the
teachings of the Hebrew letters (Using Gematria - numerology)
- Rabbi Mattityahu Glazerson
- Raz-Ot Institute, Jerusalem
Waters of Eden - The Mystery of the Mikvah
- A new exploration of the concept of mikvah renewal and
rebirth
- By Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan (1982)
- NCSY/Union of Orthodox Jewish Congregations of America, NY,
NY
The Paths of Purity (English) Les Chemins de la Purete (French)
- Abridged work on family purity laws
- Rav Mordechai Eliahu, Shlita - Richon LeZion, Chief Rabbi of
Israel
- Translated by Rav Isaac Habib, Chlita (French)
- Edited by le Centre Mondial de la Purete de la Maison Juive
(The World Center For The Purity of the Jewish Family)
- You can get this book in NY at 718-253-7051
Le Marriage C'est Quoi? C'est une Vocation
- French - Guide pour le couple
- translated and adapted by Rabbi Isaac Zerbib
- Haktav Institute, Jerusalem (5744)
There is a very practical and helpful 2 volume book set on Jewish
marriage. One book is for the husband and one is for the wife. I
misplaced the name but the cover is purple. Ask for it at the
Jewish bookstore. Below are some Jewish book stores in Queens:
Safra Judaica & Stam - 718-268-5151, fax: 268-5183
141-24 Jewel Avenue,
Flushing, New York, 11367
- Books, gifts, Mezouzoth, Tefillin, etc. Helpful, nice staff.
Gift World - 718-261-0233,4
72-20 Main Street,
Kew Garden Hills, NY, 11367
- Judaica, books, music, silver, taleisim, tefilin, mezouzot,
gifts, Israeli imports. Open Sundays. Good selection.
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from: The Jewish Education Network
at: http://www.aquanet.co.il/vip/mc
e-mail: jenet@iname.com
date: 17 Tamuz 5758 / July 12, 1998
ver: 1.1
The Jewish Education Network - A Jewish Education Counts,
Matatia Chetrit, Copyright (1998)
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