spidermoon.net
july 2000-march 2002
"hypnotherapy"skip to: beginning of "hypno"
sunday 24 march 2002 this entry makes two days in a row, a new record. yesterday after i posted the entry below i got an email from a good friend i hadn't heard from in several months. she wrote me because she had seen what i wrote yesterday. so at least someone besides me is reading this site. another surprise.
saturday 23 march 2002surprise. i still exist. barely. things have changed in my life. no more job. not much income. not much else. simple survival seems to be just as crazy as it always was. who knows what the future holds. who cares? go here:
caissa-- for some light reading activities.
wednesday 6 june 2001
my last entry here was august 2000? holy moly. where did last year go? now it's june 2001 and my goodness how time flies.
remember........remember.........remember what?
someday somewhere sometime there will be an answer to the question. no one knows why the question ever got axed in the first place, but alas it did get axed. and who cares anyway?
oh, and one more thing. my latest mantra:
too long is never long enough.
22 august 2000 tuesday 646pm
this is the final entry of the much anticipated but incredibly boring visits to the hypnotherapist journal.
today is my second day of two days off. i have to go to work tomorrow morning at 615. the scheduling gods frown upon me. what have i done wrong?
my adventures with dr. alonzo the hypnotherapist are over for now. i wasn't as plentiful as far as journal entries on this subject as i'd hoped, but i wasn't as excited about the whole ordeal of adventures in hypnotherapy as i'd originally hoped. after the previous entry, i went back to dr. a. for my next-to-last scheduled appt. not much happened and i neglected to write it down immediately so i've forgotten most of it by now. as far as i can remember, when i first got there i immediately sat in the recliner like usual and dr. a. looked at me and asked, "what should we do today?" which is highly not like he had been previously. he usually motions me to the chair and gets right to things.
so i imagined he had lost his original path and was now as aimless as i was about this whole thing. so i pretty much gave up what little hope i had left but went through the motions because i could think of nothing better to do. i answered him by saying i had high hopes that something more would happen this time so he agreed and "put me under" as usual.
nothing happened. i kept losing track of what i was doing. we both tried but nothing happened.
after it was over and i was leaving i asked him "so what's the next step? should i find a psychiatrist to find out why i'm creating this mental block?" and he said we still had one more meeting so we should talk about that then. so we set a new appt. for my next day off.
at the final session i had already decided i wasn't going to repeat my seven performances of failure. so at the beginning of the meeting this time dr. a. motioned me to the chair and i was the one to decline. he said "fine," and asked what i'd rather do. i told him i'd just like to talk about what my options might be, etc. and he agreed that would be good.
after we talked a while about the past few sessions and the achievements and failures i told him the main thing i've learned is that i'm not as in touch with my subconscious as i want to be. and these meetings have shown me that.
i told dr. a. this was just the beginning of my quest to get back in touch with my dreams and subconscious and i learned a lot. it was worth it. he told me about some group sessions that he and dr. w. are preparing to do and told me i was invited. so at least i have that to look forward to.
overall i'm happy with what happened, but as usual i expected more. maybe the adventure is just in a lull for now. ....... here is where it all began....2000 july
2000 july
25 july 2000
yesterday i had my first visit and hypno-session with dr. a. i went to see him because i have always wanted to use hypnotherapy as a way to investigate any past life experiences which might be relevant to me in this lifetime.
i recently read some books by dr. michael newton about a relatively new concept of past life research called "life between life," in which a person might be able to experience, through hypnosis, the memories directly after the previous life yet directly before this life, a time when reflection on lives already lived is accomplished, in order to prepare for the next life and make decisions of what to "work toward" in the upcoming life in order to further improve and learn about our total existence as a soul in this universe.
(i'm hurriedly writing this because as usual i'm late. please excuse the brevity, i'll expand later if needed.)
i learned about dr. a. through a friend at work who i had spoken with about the books i was reading. she showed me an advertisement for dr. a. in the local paper and explained that a mutual friend had spoken of him.
i looked at his advertisement and noticed from his phone number that his office was located near to where i live in chinatown and even more interestingly that he had begun his practice in 1959, the year of my birth. that was enough synchronicity for me to call him and make an appointment to meet with him.
upon our first meeting we basically developed a rapport and i decided to go for the "deluxe" version of his therapy which consists of 8 sessions.
dr. a. explained to me that most people come to him with current life problems they want solved and in many cases this can be accomplished through past life hypnotherapy.
conflict number one: i really didn't come to him presenting any real problems that i am consciously aware of that i feel are currently causing me any disfunction. all i wanted to do was to attempt to get to the reason of why i chose this body and these circumstances during this lifetime to confront whatever karmic needs i might need to work out.
so we did some exercises to help me find out what might be a problem for me right now in this lifetime. all i could really come up with was that i'm too fat and i don't remember my dreams very well--these things i soon learned to be very common complaints people have about themselves.
since then (yesterday) i have decided that i'm not too fat. so that problem is solved. the only thing i'm left with is my lack of memory concerning my dreams. so i must assume that i am either in total denial of what might be problems in my life at this time or i am a really very well-balanced individual with very few problems indeed. i think that the true condition of my being must be more of a combination of the two.
so here we are at day two of eight. i'm going back to see dr. a. in about an hour to have session number two. session number one consisted of what i consider to be a basic "first hypnosis" between dr. and client in order for both of us to find our footing as it were.
during my first hypnosis, the dr. had me count back from 900 and assurred me that before i got to zero i would be hypnotized. by the time i got to 767 i was so sick of counting backwards that i just stopped. hah! but he was correct. i did stop, for whatever reason. then he basically gave me some suggestions to help me relax and just get acquainted with the process. i did feel very relaxed but i was having some difficulty as i explained to the dr. i felt like i was consciously fighting this whole process because of my cynical personality. the dr. told me that was ok and not to worry.
i like dr. a. very much and hope our working and personal relationship grows with each visit. i trust this adventure will give us both experiences we both will benefit from.
wednesday 26 july 2000
as usual, i'm late and rushing again. please excuse this brevity, i will try to elaborate on all this later.
yesterday's visit with dr. a. was somewhat disappointing for me. i felt like the dr. wasn't really communicating with me as well as the day before when we first met.
i'm not sure why yet, but i feel like he doesn't really understand who or what i am. that is ok with me. why should he need to know? maybe the more he knows about me makes it more difficult for him to successfully do his job. but if this is true i would like to know that.
i guess what i am trying to say is that there is some type of communication gap. we don't seem to be understanding each other. the rapport i thought we were beginning to build yesterday was not there. i know i got the dr. off track of sorts yesterday at the beginning of our appt. i showed him this journal on the computer and it took a few moments and it distracted him from his regular routine. after that we attempted to continue as if no distractions had happened but it didn't work.
in the hypnosis session, the dr. said some things that caused me to lose my trance state (of what little was there) when he suggested to me certain foods that i should avoid to keep me from gaining weight. as i wrote yesterday, i wasn't even concerned with weight gain or loss. i had decided that was not a real problem for me. but he had not yet read what i had written, so i understood and had no problem with what he was saying about eating certain foods. after all, we all could use some suggestions about what foods not to eat.
but what i did have a problem with was that he started talking about specific foods that i rarely even consider as food, much less consume, in the first place, foods like white bread and sweets. i am macrobiotic. that's when i lost control of my trance.
i felt like if he knew at all who i was then he would know i was not this sort of person and that these things didn't concern me in the least.
he also asked me if i would like to work on my lack of self-confidence. this is further evidence that he doesn't really have an accurate picture of who i am. i told him if there was anything i needed to work on concerning my confidence it would be my over-confidence. after all, i'm a legend in my own mind. vanity is my middle name.
what i am here for is past life research. not control of my bad habits or personal problems, and i feel like a ny other subject is just a waste of our time.
on the other hand, maybe he is just using these things, the things i had earlier touched on as problem areas in my life to get me comfortable with being hypnotized. that's fine, but i need him to tell me what he's trying to do. this way we can stay together in what we are both working toward.
does that make sense?
i just hope in the future we can communicate each other's plans better in order to avoid any unneeded dissapointments for us both.
today, i will mention some various aches and pains in my back and arm if we need more "problems" of mine to practice with. god knows it would be nice if those pains went away as a side effect from this adventure.
ultimately, what matters to me is that i'm enjoying myself in this whole ordeal. and so far i definitely am enjoying all these experiences.
2000 august
august 5, 2000 saturday
i've lost count. yesterday i had session number five or six of what was previously decided to be eight in total with dr. a. but i'm not sure which. that's a good thing, now i don't have to worry about how many more times i get to go before the party's all over. and i'm sure i will figure it out soon.
i haven't been as faithful to this journal as i'd hoped. i planned to write something about every meeting i had with the hypnotherapist, but the past few sessions have been relatively uneventful so there wasn't much to write about (lame excuse i know). plus, i've been very pressed for time (yes, another lame excuse). but really, i have been very busy just trying to keep up with life. it goes so fast these days-- life.
i seem to remember being somewhat concerned about how all this hypno stuff was going when i wrote here last. i felt like not much was getting accomplished toward my original goal of visiting the bardo.
as yet i still don't feel like i have come close to getting there. i feel like i'm struggling against myself. i didn't write in here for the past couple of sessions because i felt like my conscious cynical analytical self was winning the battle and preventing me from allowing myself to relax enough to be completely hypnotized, whatever that is; hence, nothing to write about. i just went and sat in the chair and went through the process and tried to visualize anything that might be there, but i really feel like i saw nothing except for the back of my closed eyelids.
all i could visualize was dark shadows and i don't mean the soap opera. sometimes i saw a burst of colors but not much else. is this what one is supposed to see under hypnosis? i thought there would be a movie or something. i thought maybe i would feel things. i did get a feeling of slight frustration and maybe even a feeling that was approaching panic for a split second, but i just assumed that was normal from the frustration of no signal from beyond, or above or below or whatever.
then i had another session yesterday. i went with the idea planted firmly in my mind that i was going to try very extra hard to make something happen. i am running out of time after all. so i got to the appointment almost on time (lateness has been habitual lately).
after talking with dr. a. a bit he again brought me into my "trance" and i did feel rather relaxed this time. more than before.
again however, all i really could visualize was dark shadows and some colors. but at times the shadows became lines that made split second images. these images seemed to be mostly unrecognizable facial parts. i saw lips, i saw eyebrows and eyes and bridges of noses and sometimes whole faces of various unrecognizable people. sometimes they were facial parts of skulls, the cranium, eyes, etc. they seemed to be just kinda' of hanging around, looking at me and away from me and in all different directions. these were all split second images. i just assumed my brain was imagining them. but i did mention these things to dr. a. since he kept asking me if i saw anything.
then i saw the rear tire and fender of a car. it was like a cadillac or a big car. i mentioned this and dr. a. asked me what year it looked like it was from. i thought about it and told him late 1950s. but it really looked youn ger, like early or mid sixties now that i think about it. i said fifties because i thought i was supposed to be in a past life because that's where dr. a. had been trying to get me to, and i assumed it must be fifties since i was already in my present life in the sixties.
because of this i think maybe i wasn't back as far as a past life. i might have just been in my early childhood from this current life. but now i realize i should not be thinking of all these things while in "trance" like the dr. keeps reminding me. i think i'm being too analytical and not allowing myself to just accept and report back what i'm seeing.
i realize now that if i'd told the dr. that it looked like the sixties he would have helped me get farther back. but i didn't so he didn't.
i did get one very strong vision. it was of an older man. it was only a split second vision of his face. he was caucasion, bearded and wrinkled. very attractive. i've always been attracted to older men of this type. he kind of reminded me of zeus in a way. very old and wise. he was looking off to the side, towards the direction of where dr. a. was sitting.
this picture immediately made me think of a dream or vision i had years ago. this man's face looked familiar. he seemed like the man in the vision who was my companion, or guide. before i told this to dr. a. he told me it could be me from a past life but i told him i didn't think it was me and he suggested it could be my spirit guide. all i know was the image was very clear and definite, not shadowy or uncertain. after that i told dr. a. it reminded me of the vision i had years ago. maybe that's why i'm attracted to older men now. they remind me of him. dr. a. asked me if i could relate a name with the face but i couldn't.
after dr. a. brought me out of the "trance" he told me it had been an hour. i was very surprised. it seemed much shorter to me, like about fifteen or twenty minutes. i felt somewhat drained afterward. i felt like i had been somewhere else and i felt very calm and content the remainder of the day.
something different happened this time. i don't know what. but at least it gives me hope for our remaining sessions in the future. maybe i will make some headway before all this is over. i really don't want it to end. i would like to do this indefinitely or at least until i find some answers to my original questions of who i am and why i'm here.
dr. a. asked me if i would mind if a psychiatrist colleague who is visiting from another city sits in with us next time. i told him "of course," that i would be happy to meet him and get any input from him that he might have.
note:
friday 18 august 2000
i lost the following entry in my computer after i wrote it which was very frustrating, and i was about to give up in retrieving it but i tried one more time today and luckily i found it. so i feel like i've been given a second chance at keeping this silly journal up to date. tuesday 15 august 2000
yesterday i met with dr. a. and his psychiatrist friend dr. w. it was a very interesting meeting. we met and talked a bit then dr. a. started another hypnosis session w/me with dr. w. observing.
i just couldn't get into a state that would allow me to have any impressions worth much. at the beginning i did see the face of a little girl w/dark hair. she looked about 8. i only saw her face for my usual split-second glimpse and then it went away. i was pretty much blocked the rest of the time. i gave up a few minutes later and now that i think about it i realize i was wanting to talk to the psychiatrist while he was there and i wasn't putting all my energy into the hypnosis.
so i told them i was blocked after i tried again because i wanted to have time to talk to dr. w. i don't know what dr. a.'s plan is but i really feel the need to tell him more about myself so he can help me get by these blocks i'm having. since dr. w. was there i wanted to use his psychiatric skills to do this.
so we discussed what happened. i felt like i was causing the block subconsciously, possibly because i wanted to use the time to talk to dr. w and it was more important to me at the time to do that, or maybe for some other reason. i did relate to dr. a. that during our last hypnosession i saw a fetus just hanging out, floating around, but i hadn't mentioned that to dr. a. so i thought i would tell him now.
we then all three discussed why i was ultimately there. the two of them kept telling me i was very powerful person with a capital p. i said that was nice. but i still have things that i'm not powerful enough to do, mainly the things i'm trying to do here. we discussed the possiblilities of why i wasn't able to remember my dreams and why i was having difficulties getting back to past lives under hypnosis, etc.
dr. w. asked my what i thought about death. well, that's a loaded question for me so i tried to be brief. i started talking to dr. w about growing up in the funeral home and blah blah but i was really directing all my conversation to dr. a. hoping he would learn more about what type of person i am because he is ultimately the person i'm working with. and he hasn't asked me these types of questions before which i expected him to do. but i guess he's not a psychiatrist so he's really not concerned with this type of stuff, maybe? who knows? who cares?
i explained to dr. w. (and dr. a.) that death has played a major role in my life and i've had all the struggles that most other people have with it but i feel that since i did grow up with it i have a very healthy attitude towards it. of course i fear death but much less than earlier in my life and much less than most people and i feel i've got that emotion under control. i told them about my adventures in gainseville, fl. and how i helped set up the north central aids network there and how i had many friends who died with aids and how i worked very closely with one particular person who eventually died. after that i moved to st. augustine and blah blah.
dr. w. was very interested in my story since he too has lived in gainesville. we continued our discussion and i thought we were communicating very well and the two dr.s were getting a better perspective of who i am.
i then talked about why i was there, at dr. a.'s office, trying to learn more about why i can't remember my dreams and mainly and most importantly because of my quest to get to the bardo, which i have so far had no luck at with dr. a. in my previous attempts.
dr. w. said maybe i can't remember my dreams because i am living them. in other words, the main reason we dream is to work out our problems, and since i am relatively well-balanced, and have very few "big problems" i am living my dreams. i have no ne ed to remember the nitetime stuff. that's an interesting idea. maybe i am. after all, the australian aborigines do it. we also discussed the reasons why i was having difficulties getting back to past lives. i described that i feel like i "remember" my past lives in my normal "awake" time and that's why i've changed my name, etc.etc. and dr. w. said maybe it's the same thing as my dreams. i already know about them. maybe i don't need the hypnosis? and then i reminded them both that i was there to get to the bardo and not necessarily a past life. after i said that then dr. a. said, "well, i guess that makes my job totally different than what i have been doing." by that statement i can only surmise that dr. a. has not understood why i was there all this time. but then dr. a. reminded me i have to get back to the past lifes to get to the bardo. yeah, i know, small problem. so the difficulties continue.
but we had good discussion and i really enjoyed the time spent there, as i always do. i just wish i could get to where i want to go. as usual this is not as easy as i'd hoped. and i'm running out of time.
below is a copy of the "vision" i wrote about years ago that talks about the companion i felt near me at the time.
PAGEANT (1991)
I had a vision. I've never before experienced anything like it. This was not a dream.
I went to bed late one night, thinking about a friend of mine who is very ill--dying. I began to sleep and a peaceful calmness came over me. I found myself in a large chamber, like a room in a museum, with a group of about 20-30 other people--all different nationalities and ages--but all related and alike in some way. We all knew each other. We communicated without really speaking. The lights dimmed, a calm aura enveloped us. We all felt very relaxed and we all waited eagerly, anticipating an upcoming ordeal--like a show of some kind.
Music began--a calm, relaxing sort of flute music--Eastern, Asian, Indian-like. We were all dressed in plush, sateen cloth in colors of black and gold, and green or blue velveteen. We all wore different styles, some dresses, some pants and shirts, some kimono; I wore a large blue-green blouse that went to my knees and loose black pants with black slippers.
Music continued. The chamber we occupied became dark and warm. Then a floor show with actors in colorful make-up and costumes highlighted with spotlights began. People in our group joined in.
The show became a performance, it included several different scenes--all accented with the lively flute-like music and Oriental strings. The scenes were mystical, poetic, engrossing, they carried our group of audience/participants with them, like a tide carries a raft--naturally flowing from scene to scene. Dancing figures turned the performance into a pageant.
I feel I can remember every detail exactly as it happened--action by action, movement by movement. But I can't. The whole vision was like a roller-coaster ride. Every scene was followed by another more fascinating one. Every event was mystical, telling a story--like Indian legend.
I only remember one scene with clarity. It was like a dance--a dance of death--with several characters/dancers. The scene was choreographed with frantic but tranquil movements. The dancers were scantily clad--mostly loin cloths. They had voodoo-style jewelry and make-up. It was a lively dance of death, with many ceremonial steps and movements. The main character was shaven-headed and strong-boned, he had glistening bronze skin embellished with bone jewelry. He performed a dance celebrating what seemed like a death ritual, and I'm not sure, but I think he died at the end. We all danced with him, it was very ceremonial. This dance was the climax of my vision.
After that dance, I think a few more scenes took place and then the ritual ended. At the end, all of the participants--the original 20-30 of us--were left speechless. I felt invigorated, but paralyzed.
After the performance, people filed out, just like at the end of a movie, but we were all emotionally and spiritually changed. We had gone through a group experience of the deepest kind--like a spiritual orgy. The lights stayed dim. The chamber remained dark. I found myself alone again; alone like I had been at the beginning, but I had not experienced this pageant alone.
That group of 20-30 people became a spiritual family during the performance and we will always be a part of each other. I know if any of us meet, in this or any other world, we will recognize each other and remember what we experienced that night.
I remember being with one person in particular through the whole event. I don't remember what he looked like, but he was older than I and he was wise, this was not his first experience of this sort. He was a companion to me who assured my safety through the journey. But he was merely a participant also. After the pageant he disappeared with everyone else--discussing and reliving what happened with the others as they faded into the darkness.
When everyone was gone I found myself sitting alone in the dark. I sat at the edge of my bedroom--lost--I wanted to be back in the group. I didn't know where I was. I collapsed in a chair--euphoric. ### go to: "final entry"
