| A Letter From Mom |
| My dear beautiful Jason, my very best gift from God ever... You came into my life 28 years ago when I was so young, I was told that I could never have children due to an illness. I grieved that news and got a cat. Lo and behold on December 15th, 1974 you were conceived. Much to the shock of the specialists, I was told to go to Cedars Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles to have a therapeutic abortion as the doctor told the hospital that it was not possible for me to carry a child in the normal sense. After thorough examination, and to the surprise of the doctors, a phone call was made to my OB/GYN, one of the best specialists in Beverly Hills. I heard the surgeon tell my doctor, "this is not an ectopic pregnancy, this is a healthy normal pregnancy," my eyes lit up, my heart filled with joy and disbelief. Oh my God, I was going to have a baby. I would not have to be a mother to cats anymore!. My heart swelled with happiness and joy cuz God was blessing me with a baby - a beautiful baby boy. This, my son, was the best gift from God I ever received ~You~!!. Now 28 years later, you are gone. God loaned me the gift of your life for such a short time, but we did have so many good times together, just you and me. I went through my pregnancy with you alone. I went to Lamaze classes with my puffed out tummy alone with my pillow. I went into labor with you alone - 24 hours and you were so stubborn, you didn't want to come out of the warm safe place inside. After a cesarean section I looked at you, my precious angel. It was August 26th, 1975, my Most Favorite Special Gift from God Day. You were so round, so gorgeous, so much hair, so beautiful - my blessed Gift from God .. 8lbs 6.oz. My boy will be named Jason Lancing. His PopPop's middle name is Lancing after the Navy admiral. You and I had so many close times, you trusted me as your sole caretaker, you loved me unconditionally, as I you. We kind of raised each other, didn't we Jay? You looked into my eyes and knew I was always going to love you and protect you and shelter you and adore you! You were such a curious baby. Always into everything, always such fun, always made me laugh.. and oh so gorgeous. Whatever mistakes I might have made, you still loved me. I was so young, so inexperienced, but we made it together, Jay, we made it. Just You and me!! You went to kindergarten for the first time and you didn't cry, but I did. I hated being away from you. There is not enough space on pages to write about all of our experiences together, just you and me. I worked hard to give you the things you needed and wanted and you appreciated that and somehow knew that I was Mom and Dad to you! I did my best, my precious son. I loved you with all of my heart and soul, and I always will. You became a young boy with a strong faith in God and did wonderful things in the church. You even played the piano by ear at a Christian camp we went to one year... just you and me ! You didn't like your piano lessons because somewhere down the line, you decided that the drums were your passion. I bought you your first set of drums when you were 14 and oh that noise, but wonderful noise as you had that natural gift of playing music by ear. ( I guess you got that from your father, who is a gifted musician and songwriter). You joined the Marching Band in High School. How handsome you looked in that uniform. Such a proud mother I always was of you Jason !!! I watched you play at the football games and it was just you and me...You and me against the world! You fell in love for the first time, you had your heart broken, but what a gentleman you were with your girlfriend. I tried to teach you that your girlfriends should always be treated as if they were a princess !!! When you graduated from high school and got a job, I was so proud, but then, you decided to move to Florida. Oh my God, you were leaving. When you sat down to tell me you were leaving you looked into my eyes and said " you'll be ok mom, I love you and I'll call you all the time" I collapsed by the kitchen sink. That thought of the "two" of us being "one" was too unbearable. You went to Florida and decided that you liked motorcycles. Spent so much time in Daytona at those motorcycle rallies and things. Oh my god, I was always so worried. You had two small accidents, thank God you were not hurt badly, but the third accident was the beginning of a long struggle for you, my precious gift from God, my lil Jaybird!! When that 18 wheel truck hit you on your motorcycle and damaged your body I was so angry. You were in the hospital all banged up, lost your spleen, your body covered in road burns, your knee shattered beyond repair, if you didn't have the helmet on, you would have been so much worse. After surgeries and skin grafts and months of recuperation, you came through that traumatic accident. Why did the doctors' keep giving you morphine then Oxycontin for the pain??? Why couldn't they have seen that this was the worse pain medication they could've put you on. You were too young, too vibrant, too beautiful, you didn't have terminal cancer and you were not old. They should've known that you would get addicted to that drug. The physical pain was so real, but a year or so later, the mental pain of addiction was more real. You began to change before my eyes. I couldn't bear it. Where was my beautiful gift from God, my wonderful Jason. When I would look into your eyes, I would see sadness and shame, not happiness and vibrance. I always knew when you were on that medication, because the light in your eyes went out. We talked on the phone at least 4 times a week and sometimes you sounded ok and other times you were "too happy and vocal" to be in your right senses, this hurt me deeply. I just wanted to take all this pain away from you Jay. I know you knew that it was painful for me to watch. We would look into each other's eyes and I could see you saying to me "Im sorry Mom, but I am not well, don't be mad at me" How could I possibly be mad at my one and only child, my perfect gift from God. I love you oh so much to ever be mad at you. Remember the fun we would have in spite of it all on the 4th of July on our beach. You knew I hated those loud boomers, so you would whisper "it's ok mom, just go in the house, no one will know you are afraid. Then you would come over and we would swim and splash in the water. You wanted to swim with me all the time, you needed me so much in the last months.... I now know why!!!! Last Christmas rolled around and I told your stepdad ( remember how we used to make fun of John and call him "Ghandi " and stuff even though we both love him). " honey, this is going to be the best Christmas Jason has ever had." You would call son, or come over every day for a couple of weeks before Christmas and ask me in baby talk "Mommy would you make me my favorite "Pinch Me Cake" for Christmas? Would you have chocolate covered cherries and a big turkey. I did that and more. When you came over with the "so called" girlfriend for our Christmas celebration your eyes lit up, because the house looked like Macy's window. I went all out. You were like you were 10 years old all over again. I don't know why this Christmas had to be so special, but it just did. I know why now, It was to be your very last Christmas with me. For the next five months I was on the roller coaster ride of addiction with you , my baby. I would hear the anguish in your voice when you ran out of your prescriptions. You would go through withdrawal and be so sick, you couldn't talk, eat, sleep or even want to live. Then your "so-called girlfriend" would get you something to ease the withdrawal. I dislike her to this very day for enabling you, sweetheart. She depleted her bank accounts, etc, to keep you "high" so you would stay with her.. What a lost soul she is! God forgive me for the resentment I have to her and her mother.. what they allowed you to do in those last months, weeks and days...They Allowed it!!! They enabled it!!! They encouraged it !!! They will be held accountable for this in God's time. I did my best sweetheart to get you help to relieve you of this torment, to get you away from those people. I had a plan, a good one I thought. I told your "so called girlfriends" mother what I was going to do and she swore to God on the lives of her grandchildren that she would back me up. Christina betrayed me. She told you of my plan. From that day on, I was told you were free from addiction, free from all the demons, you were fine!!! They hid the truth from me and you wouldn't tell me either... I forgive you my angel, I understand. They told me this, because they were afraid they might lose their welfare benefits, their free rent, their free methadone and their lifestyle that our taxes afforded them. They were afraid to help you, they didn't want to lose what they sucked out of the system. You see, the only reason why you had to stay with them is because all of us who loved you so much had to use good judgment and not be enablers. We wanted you well, not sick! We all did our very best to ensure you that we loved you, but not the behavior. That Friday came.. I was not right all day. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I couldn't decorate or create anything - I couldn't work on my projects, I couldn't visit the fabric store to look at the new silks that came in. I couldn't redo the bathroom, I couldn't do anything. I stayed on the sofa all that day... I didn't know why - but at 8:30 that evening I knew why... that dreaded phone call came to me...the words I heard on the other end of the line, ended my life as I knew it... you were gone... you were found in the bathroom of those horrible people's house with no life left in you, you were blue... you had my glasses on, they were shattered... (You and I had the identical eyesight and our prescriptions were the same)... our souls, heart and eyes were bonded as one. I was told you had a heart attack...this was puzzling to me as there were never any heart problems in the family. I threw the phone against the wall and laid on the floor in a fetal position and wailed like an animal for what I thought was an hour - I found out the next day, I screamed and cried in agony for four hours... I lost my voice for two days from vocal cord damage, due to those guttural cries, cries from my womb. Arrangements had to be made to make your passing as pleasant as it could be. I was in shock, thank God for shock, thank God for the people around me who could think for me, make the appropriate phone calls, help find my attire for the memorial service... it all worked out smoothly and I know you were proud of your Mom, as I did pray that I would be dignified and not lose my mind in front of all your friends and people who came to pay their last bits of love to you. Three weeks after you left this earth, I got another slap in the face in the mail; the toxicology and autopsy report. Cause of death: "Accidental Overdose"... The medication was too much, son... you were given too much, you were GIVEN that last hit that you knew would take you over the edge, it silenced you... I know you didn't feel any pain, you left peacefully, you are in heaven now, but the autopsy report revealed that you still had the cuts on your face from when Christina beat you with the telephone... I am so sorry my baby! Jason I am so sorry.. that truck hit you full speed and fled the scene. I wish it could have been me instead of you. I am so sorry that you lived so many years with a hole in your heart, not knowing your father, but I am happy that you were able to reconcile that situation. I am sorry that you were in so much pain in your last months here on earth. I am so sorry that your life was taken too soon. I am so sorry that my plan to help you get well was smashed by "bad people". I am so sorry that you didn't get the chance to find your soul mate and get married. I am so sorry that you and I couldn't share our twilight years together as we had shared our "growing up" years together. I am so sorry I couldn't hold your babies/my grandchildren. I am so sorry that I didn't get a chance to see you get healed and free from the addiction. I am sorry that I loved you so much that I hurt so much now. I am sorry that your life was more difficult than others. I am sorry if I sheltered you so much that your adult years, you still needed me so. I am sorry I lost you. I am sorry that your grandmother had problems and told you those lies. I am sorry for the fibs your aunt told you. I am so sorry that you are no longer here. I am so sorry that I am left here alone without " the two of us". I am so sorry that I don't have any joy anymore. I am so sorry if my pain upsets you now. I am so sorry I never had a brother or sister for you. I am so so so sorry. Please help me to forgive those who were so mean to you in your last months... and my Lil Jaybird, please know that you are now and always will be the BEST SPECIAL GIFT GOD EVER GAVE ME... I love you son. Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven... Be happy with the angels... Love your Krissy... Your Amber and take care of Lil Christopher. Play your music with Lorca and laugh with CJ. Let Nicole write songs for you. Let PopPop always be in the background protecting you with Jesus. But most of all Jason, know that your mom loves you so much, I can't breathe sometimes...Why don't you come home for just a while.. I need to see you Please..... If not, please wait for me at the gate with PopPop and Krissy. Introduce me to Amber, Lil Christopher, Michelle, Lorca, CJ and all your friends. You will know when I am coming so just be there really quickly, ok Jay... I love you with every cell in my body. Our souls will always be connected... Our hearts beat as one. Your Mom forever |
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| Until Then remember what I told you. I'm always with you. In fact I'm just a prayer away ! Love always your Jay.bird |
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| I would give anything to not have to march on the company that killed my Jay !!!! I would give anything to march into the store with Jay to buy socks. I would give anything to march into the kitchen and make Jay a "pince me cake " !! I would give anything to march to the phone, pick it up and hear ~ Mommy !! I would give anything to march to the pizza parlor and sit down and share a pie with Jay !! I would give anything to march into the arms of my baby...!!! I would give my life to have him back for just one hour!! Why?? I hate this, but I have no choice. Love You Kay, Jason's Mom forever and a day until I hold him again! |
| Jason |
| Most of your life, it was just you and I, I watched you grow and let you fly. Keeping you safe, I would have preferred, But I had to let you go , my little Jaybird. The child that wasn't supposed to be, The miracle for all to see. It wasn't always easy, just us two, I watched proudly as into a man you grew. A gift for music you possessed, Piano and drums, you were truly blessed, Riding motorcycles with such flair, "Don't worry mom, I will take care." Then an accident laid you low, Painkillers added to the blow. Your life ended so tragically, Ignorance took my son from me. Today I fight on in your name, To hold accountable, those to blame. I will make sure your story is heard. Til we meet, I love you, my little Jaybird. Poetry by Sue Saladino 11/7/03 |
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| A few victims of Oxycontin, God bless your souls. We love you all. |
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| A gift from "Pammi" |