If I could Interview Till

If I ever got the chance to interview Till Lindemann, you can bet that all of these stupid CRAP BULLSHIT questions like "What's it like to be on fire" or "where does your inspiration come from" would be right out the window. I'm surprised actually, that at this point in the illustrious history of Rammstein, Till just doesn't up and do the silent jack off motion when someone asks him this...Indeed, a Till Lindemann wouldn't even have to do the motion...he could just actually JACK OFF. The thing is...he doesn't have to, he just has to give that under the eyebrow, I'm disappointed in you stare, and it reduces Kurt Loder to a whithering husk. EAT ME KURT LODER...YOU'RE A WORTHLESS SACK OF CRAP.

Ahem.

Anyhoo, let's imagine what life would be like if I could interview Till.


The meeting occurs in a quaint lobby bar of the Chicago Hilton and Towers. I've taken the liberty of ordering a bottle of Jack Daniels and six beers. I've also acquired an ashtray and the honeymoon suite on the 22nd floor of the hotel...JUST IN CASE.

Jessi: What's with the mohawk. You gonna lose that anytime soon?

Till: You don't like it?

Jessi: I like it fine. I like everything about you. I can't see your pancreas but I assume it's the hottest fucking pancreas in the Western Hemisphere. But you've had better haircuts. In fact, I'd rather have you bald than anything. That's hot. Good work in the Mutter video.

Till: I'll make a note of it.

We smoke. We do a shot of whiskey

Jessi: Do you still have a liver?

Till: a little bit. I'm on a list to get a new one. In fact, I'm on a list to be cryogenically frozen. I'd like to be immortal. I'd also like a ripped six pack while we're at it, but life's a bitch.

Jessi: I'm working on the six pack myself. The problem is, every Saturday night I work on a six pack as well if you know what I mean.

Till: Amen sister

We raise a toast to binge drinking and harmful cigarettes.

Jessi: Let's do some quick fire questions just to get some facts down.

Till: shoot

Jessi: What you don't like quick fire questions?

Till: No, I mean shoot

Jessi: I see.

Jessi quietly rolls her eyes

Jessi: What size bed do you sleep in?

Till: Queen

We both cough uncomfortably.

Jessi: Do you snore.

Till: Only one way to find out kitten.

he does the requisite tongue wagging and I shift in my seat.

Jessi: Favorite cereal

Till: Kellogg's All Bran, keeps me regular.

Jessi: Favorite Duran Duran song.

Till: Last Chance On The Stairway...or maybe I Take the Dice...

Jessi: Busted.

Till: Dammit.

Jessi: Favorite Dicken's Novel.

Till: Great Expectations. I enjoy projecting myself in to the emotional ups and downs of Pip.

Jessi: cough pussy cough

Jessi gets 'the stare'

Jessi: Do you do your own laundry?

Till: Bitches do laundry. Till watches game shows. That's the way the non-existant God intended it

Jessi: You're not really a swimmer at all, are you?

Till: You caught me.

Jessi: Know what?

Till: Chicken butt.

We laugh hysterically. The barowner threatens to have us arrested. Till expresses once again how much he hates Chicago.

Jessi: Dude, what is with the faggy sandals and cuffed jeans in the above picture?

Till: I'm a fashion plate, what can I say.

Jessi: Which brings us to the Dalmation Coat of '98

Till: Get off my case. I lost the coat ok? it's gone. I got rid of the dirty white poopy pants and the dalmation coat. What the fuck else do you want from me?

Jessi: I love it when you're angry.

Till: I know.

Tension builds...we stalk each other with our eyes...an electricity seems to flow between us as we navigate the silence. The waiter brings more drinks and all is lost.

Jessi: We all know you're gray. No need for the drastic black dye job you had in '99

Till: I seem to recall you wrote an entire internet ARTICLE about my hair in '99. I seem to recall you LOVED it and gave it an A+++

Jessi: That's before I saw you with that horsefaced bitch groupie. She was, maybe, without hyperbole, the skankiest bad-perm, stupid latex dress whore I'd ever seen in my lifetime.

Till: That was my sister.

Jessi: A great gal.

Till: mmhmm

Jessi: Number of sexual partners in the last two weeks.

Till: 38. It gets cold in the winter.

Jessi: Can you eat fifty hardboiled eggs in an hour?

Till: Ain't nobody can eat fifty hardboiled eggs.

Jessi: Who would have thought that thumbsucking could be so sexy my man?

Till: I knew you'd like that. You're a perv.

Jessi: Good god, look who's talking. I've got a room upstairs if you care to explore this further.

Till: I thought you were married.

Jessi: I thought you were a rock star with baseline morals

Till: Let's go.

Till picks me up in a fireman's carry and we retreat to the bath.


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