W.W.T.D.? - Field Study*

It takes years of study to become a man as suave and sexy as Till Lindemann.
Never has gray hair looked so good.


A day in the life of your host, trying her best to BE Till Lindemann

- Minus the gigantic schlong

 

Pre-Conditioning Routine:

- Stay up until three in the morning, drinking whiskey and coke, smoking Marlboro Reds in seemless succession.

- Obtain growly voice from tar intake and exhaustion

- collapse into bed without showering.

- Apologize to husband.

- Room is spinning, but I'm beginning to feel the vibe.

 

Morning Arrives Painfully

- Stumble out of bed naked, regarding man sleeping next to

me as worthless trash, but a good fuck

- apologize to husband again

- cough up lung

- head to coffee maker immediately, growl at dog

- threaten husband, dog AND coffee maker with fire torture.


"Paul, if you run out in the street
ONE MORE TIME, no more pudding for you.

 

Conditioning for Day

- Watch Ich Will video, turned up very loud at 7:15 am

- Consider shaving head into mohawk, fashioning a knee

brace and wearing a tuxedo and walking stick for work.

- Decide that outfit doesn't really jive with real estate consulting.

- Hit the showers, crack open a Rolling Rock, bang head in horizontal motion rather than vertical to warm up neck for a hard day's rockin. Fondle and admire breasts because I know Till would if he had them.

- Decide on kicky outfit of denim skirt, brown boots and striped button down shirt with low cut front. More Madonna than Till, but Till would appreciate the cleavage, and I'm pretty sure Till appreciates Madonna. It's a win win.

- Practice offset, crooked lipped pout in mirror, raise eyebrows, look at self with extreme disappointment, listen to Pet Sematary Live, head out the door filled with boredom and scorn, hatred of sunlight and joy.

 

 

Beginning the Day Outside the House

- Write out checks for various illegitimate children the world over,

postmarked for next January

- Do a shot of Whiskey and smoke one last Red before heading off to work

- Regard everyone on train as if they've presented me with either

a dead rat head or a failing report card.

- wink at busty blond standing in front of me. Ask if she gives good head

- apply ice to wound, but remain bored and indifferent

- enter White Hen Pantry by swinging open both doors dramatically and holding arms out in crucifixion pattern, standing briefly in the vestibule with a snarl on my face, longing desperately for laser goggles and a flamethrower, nodding to women and men as if they are my loyal subjects.

- buy coffee.

 

The Workplace

- Stand at front of elevator car admiring self in mirror, flexing biceps and pecs

- Inform everyone in the car that I'm a championship swimmer, but present no proof

- Give girl standing next to me a card with my phone number on it, grab her by the back of the neck and kiss her on the mouth, telling her I could fuck her blind.

- Not really

- As I leave the elevator, corner a man up against the wall, inspect him and give him the ol' chin up expression of disgust at his very existence, ala the Ich Will video and live performances of Zwitter and Du Hast.

- Say good morning to boss

- Start smoking, boot up computer, search for "vicious snake porn", drink Irish Coffee in a Darth Maul mug.

- vomit


"this is fascinating Chrissy. As it happens, Laura's sister Mary went blind from catching Fever and Augue!

 

Lunch

- Acquire straw blonde, size two, badly dressed whore

- Introduce her to concept of "administering a blumpy"

- Knock back a few Beck's Light (remaining conscious of tendency to gain weight in the abdominal area)

- Tell waitress I'm a championship swimmer but then ask that she not tell anyone

- Buy a black article of clothing, new pair of sunglasses

- Replace strap on dildo belt buckle

 

 

Return To Work

- Listen to boss' accusations that I lost the contracts he needs.

- Neither confirm nor deny that rumor, simply let everyone speculate, retaining my air of mystery

- Raise eyebrow at assistant, shake head in disappointment but don't indicate why

- Pinch her ass as she walks away, wink

 

Heading Home

- Smoke three cigarettes on three block walk to train

- Threaten Streetwise Vendor with torching, push him out of my way angrily

- Admonish self for getting far TOO into character today

- Stop off at church and apologize to my lord and savior Jesus Christ

- Go back and give Streetwise vendor $5, head

- Angrily stalk onto train, glancing dramatically from side to side, eyes bulging with menace, teeth clenched

- Laugh maniacally and give everyone the finger

- Inform police officer that I'm a big Rammstein fan, and I was just trying to see what a day would be like if I were ACTUALLY...

- pay bail

 

 

The Evening

- Explain to husband weepily how my tummy hurts and I can't breathe

- Explain to husband why our bank account is short $300

- Apply heating pad to sore neck, injured from two minutes of headbanging

- Call boss and tell him where the contracts are

- Call assistant, apologize for pinching ass, winking incident

- Call mom, tell her I love her

- Walk dog

- Take bath

- Go to bed at 8:00

 

"You see, I feel that in Shakespeare's Measure for Measure we are encountered with the timeless struggle of faith versus political authority and also paranoid conservativism...is anyone listening to me?"


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*Once again, i have to say that I love Till more than grilled breasts of chicken. I think he's the sexiest, most interesting rock star in the world. I kid because I love. It's what I do. Till Lindemann, you are essential to my being. All of this is in jest. Smoking Marlboros makes me sick!