And now it's time to
Ask Till

Considering his near physical repulsion at being in an interview situation, or indeed speaking aloud to other people, we were shocked when Till Lindemann, the sexiest man in Christendom agreed to pen (or rather ghostpen) an advice column for the followers of The Tillian Philosophy. I agreed to format the column in exchange for an evening of watching Snow Dogs and having Till braid my hair while we talked about boys. What's surprising is that the movie was HIS choice. But we digress.

Lovelorn? Stuck in a ditch? Unable to figure out what your tax witholding should be if your married but filing singly? Have no fear, because Till Lindemann knows what's what, and if he doesn't, then he doesn't fucking care, ok you fucking slut? Where's my sandwich?

If you have a question for Till Lindemann, please drop jessi a line and she'll pass it along to him for prompt and courteous answers.

Welcome Till, ready to take some letters from our readers?

Sure, whatever. When does pizza get here?

One. You're getting on my nerves today.

I'm out of here

NO! Don't go, don't go. I was just kidding. I kid. It's what I do. Look look! Here's a quart of banana flavored gelato and some Jack Daniels. Let's get to the questions.

Dear Mr. Lindemann:

Recently, my boyfriend bought me a diamond ring and asked me to be his wife. I'm naturally very excited, but also conflicted. Isn't the massive diamond cartel run by DeBeers extremely violent and dependent on slavery? I'm considering returning the diamond and just asking my boyfriend to buy me a nice watch or something instead. What do you think?

Love, Worried.

Dear Worried

I've always been curious about what it must be like to suck a man's soul dry.(Oh my god, I'm so glad you said soul)AS I WAS SAYING. The real gift you could give your 'boyfriend' is freedom. Cut the fucking collar off his neck and let him live his fucking life. He says he loves you because he wants to get in your pussy. IS THAT TRANSLATING INTO ENGLISH?Oh my god yesThis man has been suckered into the belief that monogamy is rewarding and naturally occuring in nature. You know what else naturally occurs in nature? Big fucking piles of rat shit, but it doesn't mean I want to share my bathroom with it.

Sincerely, Till

Dear Till,

What is the best way to deal with co-workers who tend to slack off on their work, leaving me to work overtime and pick up the leftovers?

Signed, Office Bitch

Dear Bitch (and how many times have I written this?),

Slackers are Satan's cabana boys. I've experienced more than one in my lifetime (Landers, I'm looking in your direction) and I've found that the best way to deal with them is to bully them into a corner and threaten them with your walking stick. One time, I was yelling at Flake for eating the last turkey roll up and he was all nervous and shaky and I walked him right into the corner and said "did you eat the last turkey roll up, twat?" and then I saw that he was wetting his pants. We all had a lot of fun that day. Anyway, you can do that, or you can talk to your boss. Or, and I know I say this a lot...Tie them up, and set them on fire. Sometimes pyrotechnology is the only way to get things done.

Yours in Christ, Till

Dear Till,

What's the best way to quit smoking?

Huh?

Dear Till...Mr. Lindemann,

Um, hi. I'm a girl living in Berlin and my dad is very strict, but I love him very much.He's a really great dad and he makes really good spaghetti. Anyway, I was wondering, because there's this boy, his name is Bruno, and he's in my English class, and anyway, I was just wondering if he could, or if we could just...go and get ice cream next Friday. I mean, it wouldn't be a big deal, I just, he got a car, and he was going to take me for a ride. IN HIS CAR, and I he wanted to get ice cream but he told me to ask my dad first and let's just say hypothetically YOU were my dad, hypothetically, and let's say you'd met Bruno before, like that one time he came over swimming, and if you were my dad what would you say?

Love, N

Dear N

No.

Love, Dad

Well, since Till just got up, ran to his car, slammed the door and screeched off in the direction of the Dairy Queen, I can only assume that's all the time we have for today. Remember, Till can answer questions on ANY topic from soup to nuts (and by nuts I mean both kinds of nuts...he really is a testicle expert). So send your questions to jarbabyj@yahoo.com and we'll get to them as soon as possible!

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