And now it's time to
Ask Till

Considering his near physical repulsion at being in an interview situation, or indeed speaking aloud to other people, we were shocked when Till Lindemann, the sexiest man in Christendom agreed to pen (or rather ghostpen) an advice column for the followers of The Tillian Philosophy. I agreed to format the column in exchange for an evening of watching Snow Dogs and having Till braid my hair while we talked about boys. What's surprising is that the movie was HIS choice. But we digress.

Lovelorn? Stuck in a ditch? Unable to figure out what your tax witholding should be if your married but filing singly? Have no fear, because Till Lindemann knows what's what, and if he doesn't, then he doesn't fucking care, ok you fucking slut? Where's my sandwich?

If you have a question for Till Lindemann, please drop jessi a line and she'll pass it along to him for prompt and courteous answers.


I'm so excited Till, it's been a while. Firstly, have you heard I'm pregnant?

NOT MINE.

No, I know that, it's my husband's. I'm married, remember? My husband wanted me to remind you that I'm married.

I...I think I am too. Wait...am I? I know I have children. And I think I have a girlfriend...CHRISTOPH? AM I MARRIED? No...no I'm not. I'm sorry. I'm tired.

It's ok. Let's get to the questions.


TILL: I have recently became a submissive and my master knows nothing bout any thing of being dommanite. so i was wondering if you could tell me what to say to him... Another question, what do you do when you are a girl and you have shaved your head in to a mowhalk and you mom bitches at you. (I made it to resemble yours) What should i do. Love Candi

Firstly, Jessi, have you heard the song Candy by Mandy Moore? It's really very good.

No Till, no it's not. ARE YOU READING READERS DIGEST? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Candi, it is my firm belief that a woman should have a mohawk in only one place, and even then it should not be spiked or coated with product....unless it's my product.

I just threw up a little bit in my mouth

You did not. Secondly. A good way to get a man to dominate you is to do something bad. Real bad. Like, say, EAT HIS LEFT OVER MOO SHU PORK. Let's say he left it specifically in the fridge BEHIND the gross fruit so he could eat it when he was watching DODGEBALL later that afternoon...so go and eat it. EAT IT ALL and don't tell him. And then when he confronts you with the empty Moo Shu carton out of the trash act like YOU HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT. He'll be real dominant then.

Still mad at Paul?

Am I ever not?

Next question


Do you have a name for your penis?

Sincerely, Kip

This is an easy one. Yes. It's called the Third Arm of Justice.

cough


I have a question, Till. Did you ever see Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer, the kids Christmas special?

Um, yes. Why?

Oh, I was just looking through some pictures of you the other day and I was reminded of this one scene where Santa is walking around in his big Santa pants and suspenders, with his jolly big belly.

What's your point?

No point! NO POINT. how's your milkshake?

Kick ASS, danke


THAT is all the time we have for today. I'm off to eat some ice cream, potato chips and baked beans.

Sounds good!

Yeah, but I'm pregnant. You're not

YES I AM! Wait. Am I? I do have kids. And I have a big stomach, and I've been a little crabby. I don't remember. Christoph? Am I pregnant?...NO YOU FUCK OFF!


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