Author: Coffeeplease
Rating: R (Character Death, language)
Category: Heavy angst, adult themes, tragedy and
melodrama. Not for the kiddies. AU
Spoiler: Everything’s game up to “Impact Winter”
Disclaimer: John Wells, Aaron Sorkin, NBC, WB... I
have nothing to give you. I gain nothing from this.
Please have mercy.
E-mail address: jamhandy1@...
Archiving permission: Sure, just tell me before you
do.
Notes: Toby’s grasp on things. Not really J/D, but I
kinda like this better then the first one. Feeback is
manna from heaven.
The gin, or was it bourbon, swirled in between the ice
cubes. He stroked his beard and put his feet up on the
desk. It was eight at night and everyone was still
reeling. In a building where shouting was the
preferred form of communication much of the time, the
day had been silent. Everyone whispered. As if they
were afraid of disturbing Donna. Or, more likely, they
were afraid of disturbing Josh.
Toby didn’t care one bit if he disturbed Josh and that
itself was troubling. He was supposed to be Josh’s
friend. He was supposed to care for him in his time of
need. But he had had only one thought about Josh all
day and it was just two words:
You asshole.
He took a sip and tried, as he had all day, to analyze
why he felt that way. The morning had been such a
shock and there were many moments in C.J.’s office
where he felt, genuinely felt, for his friend. Josh,
who had lost so much. Josh, who had just lost another
loved one in a never ending stream. Fate torturing one
person. Why the hell was this all about Josh?
And that was the first point, Toby thought, as he took
out a yellow note pad and a pen. He titled the page
with the date and began writing, starting with that
question. Why the hell was this about Josh? Donna was
dead. Donna had...had... taken desperate measures.
Donna had been in pain, Donna had been suffering. But
it was Josh everyone cared about now. If they had paid
attention to Donna yesterday....
“I’m really fine, Toby.”
“You seem a little depressed, and that’s me noticing,
which ought to immediately set off warning bells
inside your head,” Toby leaned against the glass of
Donna’s office.
“Is this about the Codel again?”
“It doesn’t have to be. You tell me.” Toby tried to
pin her with his gaze.
Donna moved to the filing cabinets on the far side of
the wall. She opened one up and began tearing through
the files. Toby had the impression she wasn’t really
looking for anything at all. “My leg has healed, I am
clot free, my brain isn’t damaged and its looking good
for peace, so it seems like that episode of my life
has ended.” She grabbed a file and sat back down at
her computer.
“Okay.”
“It’s fine, Toby.”
“Is it?”
She turned her head and just for a second he saw
something. “I don’t really want to be here anymore.”
Two weeks later, she had quit and Toby had thought
that was what she meant. She meant “I don’t want to be
at the White House.” Maybe that’s what it was at the
time. Now, he looked at the paper and saw those words
written. He had told the police about the conversation
earlier in the day. They seemed extremely nonplussed.
Nobody thought of Donna without Josh, Toby thought. He
took another sip. Couldn’t have been very good for
Donna, in the end. She was an appendage. She must have
thought that the body she was attached to didn’t need
her anymore. Which made Toby wondered what Josh had
done. Which brought it all back to Josh again. Toby
slammed his hand down on the desk.
You asshole.
Charlie had started it earlier in the day. He was a
whispering shadow, like all the other staffers. He had
wanted to see Josh, but when Dr. Bartlet came from the
residence, her lips were tight and she had immediately
called GW. Twenty minutes later, three doctors
arrived. Dr. Bartlet just shook her head.
A red rose had magically appeared on Donna’s old desk,
abandoned since the temp had been told to go home. A
sympathy card had also appeared on Josh’s desk. Both
from Charlie and he had started a flood. That end of
the Operations Bullpen was now littered with flowers,
cards and sobbing staffers laying them down with
shaking hands.
“I didn’t mean to start this,” Charlie whispered to
Toby as they watched Ed and Larry lay down bouquets of
tulips on the filing cabinet.
“It’s okay,” Toby had whispered back.
But he was not happy to see Josh’s office filled with
cards and flowers as well. With deepest sympathy. So
sorry for your loss. C.J., whose despair pained Toby
far more then Josh ever could, had gone in there at
one point and lit two candles around a framed picture
of Josh and Donna from Inauguration. Josh and Donna.
C.J. was mourning both of them, it seemed. Toby had
rushed away from the office. Angry.
This isn’t about Josh, Toby wrote. This is about a
young woman who came to a presidential campaign with
nothing. This is about a caring, deep soul whose pain
was as intense as the love she had for this world.
This young woman didn’t want to punish those who had
hurt her, those who had bombed her and nearly killed
her.
A thought came to Toby that he was immediately ashamed
of. He took another sip of his drink to try and chase
it away but it remained and when he looked down he saw
it written on the yellow pad.
“Guess you don’t need to be Jewish to be crucified
anymore. Donna died for Josh’s sins.”
You asshole.
Problem was, Toby mused, it was true. She had died
because Josh was a coward. Because Josh was
self-absorbed. Yes, they all were friends and all
supposedly looked out for each other. But Donna’s
well-being was Josh’s responsibility, anyone with a
brain would agree. How could Josh have not seen it?
Had he been that lost in work? Was he really that
stupid?
No, Toby thought and wrote at the same time, he was an
asshole and a coward.
Leo had seen him pensive earlier in the day and had
stopped in for a quick chat.
“It’s really hard to believe,” he had said as he
settled himself into the cushions. “It’s really just
impossible to believe. I keep thinking about it and
thinking about... thinking about how I survived booze
and pills and a heart attack and a war.... Donna was a
remarkable young woman, she had so much to live for
and so much left to live, you know what I mean, Toby?”
“Yes, I do.”
“What would make her....”
Toby interrupted, unable to stop himself, his voice so
soft he couldn’t hear it in his own ears. “Come on now
Leo, you and I know exactly what would make her do
what she did.”
Leo’s eyes widened. “Toby, don’t get mad at Josh.”
“I won’t...”
Leo’s voice became harsh and loud, breaking the
silence that had blanketed the building like roses and
candle wax. “You will and it looks to me like you
already have.”
“Who else could have said something to her, or done
something to her... who else had that kind of power
over her?”
Leo’s face turned ugly. “You don’t really think...”
“No, of course,” Toby’s voice got even softer. “Of
course, I don’t think... Look, I know Josh will never
recover from this. I know it, you know it, everyone
knows it. He’ll probably resign and need a lot of time
just to function again. I know that this is the last
thing in the world he ever wanted for her. But what
did he want for her? What did he want to have happen?”
Silence, for a brief moment.
“I don’t know...” Leo looked into Toby’s eyes and his
voice became horse. “He loved her very much.”
Toby’s voice, on the other hand, got louder. “See,
that’s the thing. I’ve been thinking and remembering
and while I can see plenty of evidence that she loved
him, took care of him, nursed him back to health and
would jump to the moon and back for him, I see no
proof and can remember no time where I saw anything
close to that devotion returned to her. She gave him
everything and he gave her a paycheck. And you know
that if he had ever dropped his pants in his office
and said “Do this for me, too” she would have. He may
have loved her, but he was a coward.”
Toby had never seen anyone stand so fast. Leo’s face
was a mask.
“And now he’s paying a horrible price for his
cowardice.”
Toby wrote that on the page, too.
He downed the rest of his glass and stood up. Put his
coat on, gathered his things. No one had really worked
today, anyway. Josh was still up at the residence. At
around five, when he was standing outside the
residence, he thought he heard screams.
Walking past Josh and Donna’s offices, he took the
crucifix he had bought earlier and placed it gently on
Donna’s desk along with yet another red rose. Faith
was faith, he wasn’t trying to play a sick joke with
his words on a yellow note pad. He didn’t leave a damn
thing for Josh.
You asshole.