Author: coffeeplease
Rating: MATURE (sex, swearing)
Category: post-ep for Jefferson Lives, AU, Angst
Spoiler Info: Everything up to Jefferson Lives
Disclaimer: WB, NBC, John Wells, Aaron Sorkin....
owners. I just lease and try not to stain the carpet.
Lawsuits don’t look good on me.
E-mail address for feedback: jamhandy1@yahoo.com
Archiving permission: Sure, just tell me first
Notes: This one’s dark. Sam, Josh and Donna are not
happy and are not playing well with others.
He said it was cool, but it really wasn’t. He said
that he didn’t, couldn’t, have a problem with it. Why
would he have a problem with it. He didn’t care.
Really, he didn’t. It was no big deal. Good luck with
everything, Sam. Then Josh hung up and all Sam was
left with was a dial tone and the guilt.
But if it was “cool” and “not a problem” why did he
only get voicemail when he called Josh a week, a
month, years later? Even when Donna was in the
hospital and Sam thought he could make amends, there
was no answer. Josh never returned his calls, unless
it was formally, through his office. Donna was the one
who made those calls.
He and Donna could never think of what to say. There
was so much left to say and yet saying it, hearing it
come through the receiver, would have twisted his
insides. She could tell him that Josh hated him now or
that Josh would eventually get over it. She could tell
him that she hated him now, too. None of it made any
difference.
They had all wanted him at the White House for that
Fourth of July. Josh especially. He had left a
laughing and rambling message on Sam’s cell. He
sounded like a cross between a mental patient and a
frat boy. It would be cool, they could drink beer,
they could watch the fireworks. They could count all
the bruises on Zoey’s face and all the months Sam had
been gone and see if the numbers matched up.
“See my kids.” Toby had been right to the point.
“You’re in town and you need to meet my kids.”
“Sam, Hi, It’s C.J., we all know you’re in town and we
all really, really want to see you. It would be... so
good for us.”
He had never heard C.J. sound quite like that.
Donna hadn’t left a message. She wouldn’t have.
Couldn’t have, didn’t have his cell number, wouldn’t
get it from Josh.
Truth was, Sam Seaborn didn’t want to set foot in the
White House. He didn’t want to see any bruises or
babies. He didn’t want to wrap himself in them
anymore. It wasn’t his world and from the outside he
could see the dark shadows that surrounded his former
home. Their voices spoke beyond their words and
exhaustion, grief, anxiety and pain... much more than
Rosslyn or MS. Why would he willingly set foot into an
abyss?
He did what he came to Washington to do. Set up some
meetings. Go over some paperwork. He planned to watch
the fireworks from the roof of his hotel. He would
crack open a beer, by himself. Reminisce without the
bother of other people’s memories. Stay away from the
darkness.
Unfortunately, work diverted him and he ended up
missing the fireworks completely. No matter, there
would be more next year and the year after that. There
were fireworks in every city, there were fireworks on
days that weren’t holidays. Perhaps it was best.
Seeing explosions over the White House... would hit
too close to the metaphor in the back of his head.
“Honestly, Sam, I didn’t know you were staying here.”
That was the first thing she had said when he found
her at the hotel bar. He was relieved. She wasn’t
trying to find him. And she didn’t sound too cheery at
the thought of seeing him. He was strangely relieved
by that, too. They were always the happy ones, Sam and
Donna. Chipper, perky, saw the glass half-full...
whatever. She already had a few Jack and Cokes.
“I honestly didn’t expect to see you here.”
She took a long sip.
“I honestly didn’t expect to be here.”
“It’s nice to see you.” He wasn’t so sure. Not that he
didn’t love Donna, who didn’t? But he felt the thick
agony of this post-Walken White House oozing out of
her pours.
She shrugged her shoulders, as if to say, why see the
glass half-full if your glass has already exploded in
your face? “You know how the President is fond of the
“Jefferson lives” story?”
“I thought that was apocryphal.” He sat down next to
her, too weary for words but relieved that her habit
of changing topics at breakneck pace hadn’t changed.
“I have a bit to add to that story, too. You know...
Sam... Amy lives.”
He didn’t know what to say to that, so he kept his
mouth shut.
“She lives and breathes and works in the same building
and she likes to wear little red dresses, so she and I
have a lot in common.”
“You have Josh in common.” He shouldn’t have said it,
but he did. If she was going to get upset, he was
going to let her get upset. He could do this much for
his old friends.
Donna grinned, her mouth twisted and contorted. “Well,
maybe we shouldn’t have that in common.”
“You think?”
“Maybe I should do quit.”
“You won’t.”
“But maybe I should.”
“Well,” Sam folded his arms beneath him. “I’m a bad
person to be giving advice about leaving the White
House.”
She looked at him pointedly. “You didn’t go over there
tonight.”
“I didn’t want to.”
“Good.” Donna downed the rest of her drink. At least,
Sam mused, he and Donna were always honest with each
other. If they couldn’t still be chipper or perky,
they could be honest.
She motioned to the bartender and repeated her “good”
more firmly.
“The rest... C.J. and Toby and Josh... they can take
all this better... you know.” He didn’t know what that
meant, but she nodded her head anyway.
“I want another and he’ll have what I’m having,” Donna
told the bartender.
He didn’t know if he wanted a drink.
Donna turned to face him. “I don’t want to take it
better and I don’t want take it worse. I need some
distance right now.”
“Take a vacation.”
She snorted. “Please! With Josh Lyman calling me every
five minutes... that’s assuming he’d even let me go to
begin with.”
“Tell him to screw himself.”
“He’s got someone else to screw.” Sam didn’t know
Donna’s voice could carry so much bitterness.
He gulped a good portion of his unwanted drink and
spoke again. “Amy lives.”
“She does.”
“He.... really doesn’t get it.”
“Well, I’m not going to be the one to draw him a map.
If this is what he wants, this is what he wants and if
this is what he wants, I’m not going to say one
goddamn word about it.”
Sam had never heard Donna swear before.
“You shouldn’t have to draw him a map. This shouldn’t
be on your shoulders. This shouldn’t be your burden.”
“I know, Sam.”
“Maybe you should quit.”
She sighed deeply. “But I won’t.”
The idea came into his head. He dismissed it at first.
It was something they would never do. It was something
Sam and Donna would just never do. He’d never hurt his
old friend, the one who had a horrible poker face. But
maybe he would. Maybe the darkness was contagious.
Maybe she had beautiful eyes and long legs.
Maybe Josh deserved it.
“Why the hell is he sleeping with her again?”
“Who knows?” Donna answered. “She’s there.”
“So are you.”
“He can’t sleep with me.”
“I know.”
“You know,” She twisted at the ends of her napkin. “He
can’t even say that he wants to. Because maybe someday
I’ll become bitter and maybe someday I’ll sue his ass,
or something like that.”
“He has to be careful.”
“I know.”
“I mean it, Donna. Its not like you would ever do
that, but he can’t...”
“Who knows?” Donna looked at him sharply. “Maybe I
would. You’re a lawyer, Sam. Tell me, how much money
can I get for a comment about a schoolgirl’s uniform?”
“Donna, you don’t really want to go there. You’re just
angry and... and you have a right to be. But don’t
talk about suing Josh for sexual harassment.”
“Why?”
“Because you never will.”
“Just like I’ll never quit.” She laughed bitterly.
“How sick is this?”
She wanted revenge. The classic revenge. Sleep with
his best friend. Donna knew more about this kind of
politics than she ever let on. And the thought he had
dismissed crept back into his mind. This wasn’t them,
wasn’t the Sam and Donna everyone knew. And because of
that, no one would ever guess.
Josh would never have to know. It would make her
revenge sweeter if he did, but all three of them would
probably suffer in the end. Best to dismiss the
thought again, because Josh would find out. Somehow he
would and Sam didn’t know who Josh would be more
furious at. He had a hunch it would be him.
But Josh wasn’t the only one of them who had wanted to
see her naked. Sam wanted that on record.
“Don’t... don’t belittle what you mean to him, Donna.”
Sam motioned the bartender.
“I know what I mean to him.”
“Do you?”
“Yes. I’m his friend. His assistant. On some days, he
likes me likes me.” Donna fluttered her eyelashes
mockingly. They were so damn long.
“More than just some days.”
“I know. What good does it do either of us?”
“Donna...”
“I mean it, Sam. What happiness has that brought
either of us? Hmm?” She sounded furious.
“You don’t know how the story ends.”
Donna took a sip. “Everyone thinks I’m so patient,
Sam. Donna’s so patient, she works for Josh. She has
to be. But I’m not. I’m sick of waiting. And I’m
waiting for something... something that will probably
never happen. If it were only the job, things would be
different. But its not and... and it will never
happen.”
“Again, you don’t know that.”
She slapped her hand on the bar. A few patrons turned
their heads her way. “I’m done waiting.”
“His loss.” Sam didn’t know why his voice sounded so
low and gravely. He was not going to seduce Donnatella
Moss. Not when she was pining, yet done waiting, for
his best friend. His best friend, currently with a
woman who, to put it charitably, did not bring out the
best in him. Sam didn’t have anything against Amy but
he didn’t have anything for her, either. Unlike the
tipsy blond who was apparently leaving on the next
train away from this disaster.
“I quit, Sam.” Her voice sounded wounded and
seductive. “I quit this.”
“You won’t, Donna. You say it and say it, but you
won’t.”
“And you think less of me for it.” Now her voice was
brittle.
“I don’t. I think... I think you are patient and kind
and I think its entirely possible that you are done
waiting, but not yet ready to quit. I think once he
realizes...”
“Don’t. Don’t... fill me with false hope.”
“Okay.”
“I need all hope to be lost.”
“It seems like...” Sam struggled as the weight of
nearly everything toppled on his shoulders. “It seems
like this entire town is underwater. People aren’t
breathing. You can’t see... there’s no light.”
“There were fireworks tonight,” Donna whispered. “Lots
of light from the fireworks.”
“I missed them. They’ll be fireworks again soon,
though.” Sam leaned closer to her, letting her fill
his senses. He was going to seduce Donna Moss. And he
didn’t know if it made him part of the darkness or
part of the light, but her hair was brilliant and her
eyes were shining.
“There will be.” She didn’t pull away. “There’s Guy
Fawkes day in England.”
He kissed her.
He was taking from her darkness and she was stealing
from his light and it was balanced, Sam reasoned with
himself. The reasoning, the rationalizing, stayed with
him all through the elevator ride, as his hand crept
up her blouse. There was nothing between Donna Moss
and Josh Lyman, not anymore or at least not now.
She was done waiting, Sam thought as they tumbled to
the bed. The wait was finished. He didn’t believe her,
but he couldn’t stop touching her. Nothing between
Donna Moss and Josh Lyman. Nothing between Sam Seaborn
and Donna Moss; no clothes, no barriers, just skin.
She called out his name, not Josh’s, when she climaxed
and that had to count for something.
Of course, it was a mistake. She didn’t seem too upset
about it the next morning. Why should she, Sam
reasoned. She had her revenge. The light and the dark
were now balanced. She wasn’t going to quit and she
probably wasn’t done waiting. She hugged him as she
left, saying she had to get to the office early to
prepare some notes for Josh.
Sam was upset for all the wrong reasons. He didn’t
care that he had stolen his best friend’s
not-quite-done-waiting girl for a night of clashing
shadows. He didn’t care that he had inserted himself
into the messiest love triangle this side of the
Potomac, the Josh/Amy/Donna quagmire. He didn’t care
that Donna had been using him.
He wanted to do it again and he hated himself for it.
He wanted to feel her hair trickle across his chest
and her mouth against his. He wanted it again and if
he ever had it again, he would want even more. Her,
naked and laughing, not perky but whole and real. Full
of different kinds of light and darkness and she gave
head like there was no tomorrow and damn it, Sam
wanted her. He wanted her to come back from the White
House, to lay next to him.
There was a way to make that happen, Sam thought. A
way to drive Donna Moss straight back to his arms and,
in the process, let Mr. Lyman in on the light that he
was missing. The trip to Washington had been full of
bad decisions and Sam couldn’t help but make one more.
He called Josh.
***********************************************
But when he actually got Josh on the line, he froze.
All the bluster, the planned speech, left him.
Josh sounded overjoyed to hear his voice. Donna hadn’t
told him. Donna wouldn’t be telling him because she
knew better. Sam thought he knew better, too. His
mouth became dry and all his answers sounded trite.
Words failed him. He couldn’t do it, couldn’t tell
Josh whose arms he had spent last night in.
“So I saw Amy last night...”
Sam was not going to tell him.
“Yeah, how was that?”
“You know, good. She’s.... good, I guess.”
Josh didn’t sound so enthused.
“You, uh, starting that back up again?”
“Yeah, I guess I am. I don’t know... its a good
distraction from what’s been going on. It might get
serious again, I don’t know. Just trying to make it
from day to day, you know?”
“Yeah...”
Sam wasn’t going to say it. Couldn’t do it. Donna was
right outside at her desk, Sam knew. Josh would...
Interrupt his thoughts. “I mean, we’re both consenting
adults. Nothing wrong with two single people having
some nights of passion, right?”
Goddamn him.
“Right. So, I saw Donna last night...”
Sam gripped the phone next to his head. Nothing wrong
with two single people and nights of passion, Josh.
You did nothing wrong, Sam. He said so himself.
Josh was extremely quiet. When he spoke, he sounded
like a man desperately trying not to ask the question
he already guessed the answer to.
“Funny. She didn’t say anything.”
“Yeah, well, these things happen.”
The silence was deafening.
Sam spoke again. “Nothing wrong with two single
people...”
“Right.” Josh’s voice was all business.
“Its not going to be a problem, right?”
“No, its cool.” But it wasn’t.
“You can’t really...”
“I don’t have a problem... I can’t have a problem. I
can’t.”
“Yeah.”
Josh laughed but it sounded more like a sob. Sam froze
and realized, just then, what he had done.
“Why would I have a problem with you screwing my
assistant, Sam?”
Twenty years of friendship gone.
“I didn’t...”
“I don’t care.” Josh shouted.
Sam could hear Donna running for the hills, cursing
his name. Probably cursing both their names. How badly
had he screwed everything up. Even still, he wanted to
feel Donna’s body pressed next to his again. The
thought sickened him.
“She and I, it was a one-time...”
“I really don’t care.” Josh interrupted.
“I’m sor...”
“Its no big deal.”
“Jo-”
“Good luck with everything, Sam.”
Dial tone.