Title: A Man Ain’t Supposed to Cry
Author: Paula Bilyeu
Pairing: Harm/Mac – Webb/Mac implied
Rating: PG-13 for language; R for adult themes
Disclaimers: Not mine.
Author’s note: I’m proud to say this won the fanfic contest at the 2003 JAGFEST. Both the category of Song Fic and the overall competition.
The clock reads 04:03. It doesn’t surprise me that I’m awake. Actually, I’m surprised that I fell asleep at all. I can’t believe she could do this me. I can’t believe I agreed to this arrangement. I can’t believe she is dating both of us. It’s driving me nuts. . But she promised. She said she would keep it quiet. Does this mean she’s made her choice?
"Harm, I can’t believe this. After all this time, do you think you might be ready?"
"Yeah, I guess almost losing you made me wake up."
"Oh, Flyboy, you can pick your times, can’t you?"
"What’s that supposed to mean?"
"Why are you doing this? Is it because of Clay?"
"No!"
Of course it was. I can admit that to myself now: alone and in my bed, the dawn still more than an hour away. I saved her. Saved them both. Nearly ruined my career because I knew she was in trouble. How I knew is beyond me. But it was like knowing I had to find my dad. I knew I had to find her; save her.
Oh, I saw that kiss she gave Webb. But I thought it was gratitude. Heck, I bet she thought he was dying. Heard what he said to her too. Yuck, using her toothbrush and she thought it was cute. He needs her. Tough. I need her too. Why doesn’t she know that? Well, he led her into that mess, and I pulled her out of it. Okay, so I crashed the plane after destroying those missiles. But neither of us was hurt that badly. We made it out, didn’t we? I brought us out, and I told her that I wanted to take it to the next step.
"Well, that’s a start, I guess."
"You guess? You wanted to talk. So let’s talk."
"Harm, I love you. I’ve loved you for a long time. I tried to tell you that in Australia."
"I told you to wait. You didn’t."
"Why? Didn’t you love me then? Why do you love me now?"
Of course I love her. How could I not love her? But it’s always confused me. She’s the spitting image of Diane. God, I loved Diane.
I can’t lie here anymore. I need to get up. What the hell am I going to do? It’s Saturday. Was it just yesterday morning when I overheard Tiner talking to Coates?
"I tell you, Jen, I saw them. They were coming out of the Admiral Fell. It’s the nicest hotel in Baltimore."
"But, Jason, why would Colonel MacKenzie meet Mr. Webb in Baltimore?"
"So no one would see them. I’m telling you, she was looking at him really funny. You know, like the Admiral looks at Miss Cavanaugh. Like the Commander looks at Colonel MacKenzie."
"Oh, you’re just reading something into it. I bet he met her there to give her some information. Besides! What were you doing in Baltimore on a Wednesday night?"
"Aw, Jen, you know I was meeting my brother."
Looking at him funny. Ha. She’s been acting funny for the past six months. I can understand that she wanted to be there for him. Hell, I wanted to be there for him. He did take most of the torture those bastards dished out. I know he did everything he could to keep them away from her. Didn’t do any good though, did it? If it hadn’t been for me, she would have died down there, him too. But I didn’t say anything. Went to visit him in the hospital. Grinned like an idiot as he told me how much her friendship meant to him. Didn’t lash out when he told me that he hoped he could make her see how much he needed her.
I pull on my running shorts and tee shirt. I grab my keys and wallet. I can’t sit here stewing. It’s too early to call her. She wasn’t due in until late last night. She went to that conference for Chegwidden. She could have come home, but she told me she wanted to be available to mix with the other seminar attendees. Was it all a ruse? To see Webb? Is she finally sleeping with him too?
God, it’s so dark and still. You wouldn’t realize what a busy city this can be. Dangerous too. She hates coming here. But she does. We have fun together, damn it. Why did she want to date both of us!
"Harm, admit it. We never talk about anything."
"Are you crazy? We talk all the time. Sometimes you don’t…"
"Don’t what?"
"Nothing. Come’ere."
"Don’t what? Shut up? You think I talk too much? What the hell do we talk too much about?"
Damn it. Why can’t she just be happy to sit and cuddle? We are so good in bed together. She told me that she wasn’t sleeping with Webb. I wonder if he can even get it up yet? Poor bastard. They did do a number on him. But still. She’s my girl. Why does she still have dinner with him? Does she talk to him? What about? Horses? Hell, I want to talk about flying, but she gets that glazed-over look in her eyes. And excuse me, but if I want to fall asleep, I can do it in bed; I don’t need to go and pay good money to sit and watch a movie where they aren’t even speaking English. But we do talk. We talk about cases and the Navy and Bud and Harriet and everyone at JAG. We’re a family. Webb’s the outsider. He doesn’t belong.
I don’t want to run. I can’t run fast enough. Why didn’t I think of this before? A drive. That’s what I need. I stare at the door to my garage, a tickling of fear gnawing at my insides. Will it still be there? Damn Sturgis! It’s still there. My baby. Oh man, Sturgis and I put in a lot of time on her. She purrs as I start her up. I’ll drive around the Mall, listen to the radio and clear my head.
It took me by surprise I must say,
When I found out yesterday.
Don't you know that...
I heard it through the grapevine
Not much longer would you be mine.
Oh I heard it through the grapevine,
Oh and I'm just about to lose my mind.
Jesus! Is this perfect or what? Marvin Gaye. Yeah, some grapevine. Telephones, telegraphs, teleTiner! I bet everybody in the damn building knows she’s seeing Webb. Damn it. How can she do this to me? I thought we were going to have a baby together. This was supposed to be the year. I thought that’s what she wanted.
"Of course I want a baby. I want lots of babies."
"Hey. Let’s get through the first one first."
"Oh, Harm. Let’s get through spending time together first. Come on. I don’t want to be late for the opening."
"Jeez, Mac. Do we have to? I mean come on! Pornography?"
"Excuse me? Pornography? It’s an exhibit of Ukiyo-e Art. One room is devoted to Shunga. Leave it to you to latch on to that."
"Hey, it was right there in the brochure you showed me."
"Look, if you don’t want to go, we’ll go somewhere else. I’ll go another time."
"Oh yeah? With whom? Harriet? Or will Webb take you?"
"Don’t start. You don’t want to go to the museum. You never want to go to the museum."
"I like the museum. We went two weeks ago."
Okay. So maybe I shouldn’t have brought that up. But I can’t help it. It was a special exhibit of the history of fighter planes. They had everything. Okay, so maybe we should have gone to the Japanese thing.
Oh, man. Is there anything better than tooling along the highway into the dawn in a vintage ‘Vette?’ And it’s shift change! Nobody’s going to want to write me a ticket. It’s a beautiful Saturday morning in fall. It’s going to be gorgeous. Perfect flying weather. Man, I shouldn’t. I should bet back and call Mac. Damn, I wish I hadn’t left my cell phone on the charger. She could have met me out here, and we could have at least had a nice lunch. I know better than to ask her to go up with me again.
"No. That’s okay. You go ahead and go. I’ll stay in town and get some things done. You know: shop for groceries; clean the apartment. You want to bring back Chinese?"
"I don’t know why you don’t want to go up in Sarah. It’s not like there will be terrorists shooting at us. It’s a gorgeous day."
"Harm! I – don’t – like – to – fly. I don’t like boarding a competently flown 747. I HATE it. What can’t you understand about that?"
"Are you saying that I’m not competent?"
"No. But since you brought it up."
"I didn’t."
"Maybe it’s me. Think about it. It’s me in the plane with you. How many times have you crashed when I’m not in the plane? When was the last time we flew together and there wasn’t a problem. It’s me. It’s fine. Go. Ask Sturgis to go with you."
"Maybe I’ll ask Webb."
"Good luck, Flyboy."
I’ll just go and check on Sarah. I’ve only been up in her once since we got back. I can’t believe Mac doesn’t understand how much this means to me. I’ll just make sure they’re treating her right.
"Hey! Harm!"
"Charlie! Good flying weather isn’t it?" Charlie’s a good guy. Runs a tight little airfield here.
"You taking her up today? You want me to file a flight plan for you?"
I shouldn’t. "Yeah! Down to Cape Anne and back." It won’t be a long flight. Why not? It’s not like I have anything planned for today. Mac was supposed to call when she got in. Did we plan anything for today? The hangar is open and Mike Daniels must be in there because I can hear his boom box. At least it isn’t country today.
I know that a man ain't supposed to cry,
But these tears I can't hold inside.
Losin' you would end my life you see,
’Cause you mean that much to me.
What the hell is this? A conspiracy? "Hey Mike! Turn it down!"
"Rabb! What brings you out here today?"
His hand is full of grease, but I don’t care as I take it in mine. "How could I not be out here on a day like today?"
"Damn straight. But I haven’t seen you for weeks."
"Yeah, well you know, the girlfriend and I…"
"Man, you got to get her up. You know they all love it. Best sex I have is after I take Molly up for a flight in the Molly B."
"Mike!" Molly comes out from behind the plane. Cute as pixie, with a smile to match. "Hi!" She gives me a quick hug. "Ignore him."
"It’s true." Mike gives her a mock pout. It hurts to see two people so happy to be with each other. I really wish Mac could be more like Molly. Mac’s prettier by far, but Molly is really there for Mike.
I pull away from Molly. "I’ve got to check her out before I take her up."
Damn it feels good to work on her. The lines are all in perfect condition. She sounds like a dream. By now, the sun is well above the eastern horizon. A quick trip down to the coast and back; it’ll be great. I’m really glad I keep overalls in the back. It can get cold up there.
It doesn’t take long to sign off on the flight plan. Maybe I should call Mac from the payphone. Nah. It’s Saturday and it’s only 0700 hours. I’ll let her sleep in. Besides, I don’t think I could stand it if Webb picked up the phone. I bet he’s just dying to do that to me. Let me know we are on an even playing field. Yeah, right. I’ll show him. I’ll fly down to St. Anne, back up the coast then I’ll grab her a bucket of crabs. I won’t eat them, but that’s okay. She likes them. Beats the hell out of those damn Beltway Burgers she likes so much.
The Sarah takes off perfectly. Damn this is almost better than sex. The pull on my groin, the tightening in my stomach, the view is fantastic. What is it they say? Nothing so underrated as a bad fuck? The worst flight in the Sarah is still better than sex with a lot of the women I’ve dated. Well, not Mac. Never Diane. I felt kind of weird when Josh figured out his mom and I were… Oh man. Would you look at those swans in flight! The water below me is so blue. Look at the horses running down the beach! Mac and I went to Chincoteague once on a picnic. It was one of the best dates we ever had. We swam and laughed; and she didn’t once want to have some kind of deep conversation about our relationship.
Wow. The seventeen-mile bridge is going to be packed today. Man, if Mac would have come with me, we could have flown down to Norfolk for dinner. Maybe we can do that tomorrow. Maybe I can talk her into it. She has to go up again with me. Man, if she doesn’t, she’ll want to do something like walk around Dupont Circle and look in the stores. God, I hate that. Well, if she won’t go flying with me, maybe I can keep her in bed all day. She’s not got anything planned with Webb, does she? She said something about going horseback riding with him once.
I really wish he would get put back on the active duty list over there at the CIA. It would be really sweet if he could pull a nice comfy little assignment, say Paris or London. Meet his own damn girl. Maybe I can introduce him to somebody who looks like Mac. Yeah! That’s an idea. I wonder if Bobbi Latham would find him attractive. She did that favor for me once. Of course, it cost me dinner. Bobbi is a great girl, but she’s no Mac.
There’s nothing like a day of flying to get your head on straight. I know that I can work it out with Mac. I’m not going to let Webb win. I conceded to Mic, I won’t do that again.
I didn’t realize it was so late. Man, when I get up there, I completely lose track of time. Damn, Charlie is out to till four. Oh well, traffic into town shouldn’t be that bad. I should be back by six. Maybe I’ll just stop by Mac’s. Nah. Can’t do that anymore. Besides, I should really shower before stopping by. I’m tired now. At least I’ll be able to get some sleep tonight. I hope Mac won’t want to go out, just stay in and cuddle, maybe spend the night and tomorrow, maybe she’ll wake me up the way she knows I like it.
I flip on the radio again and like some damn prophecy from hell I hear, "And boys and girls this song goes out to Jerry who’s having girl problems.
Ooh, I bet you're wondering how I knew
'Bout your plans to make me blue
With some other guy that you knew before.
I find a ballgame on AM.
By God, Webb can’t have her. I’ll show him. I love Mac. A quick shower and then I’ll…oh hell, I forgot the crabs. Well there’s always Chinese. Thank God we both like Chinese. I don’t know how she can eat meat. I’ve tried to tell her that her body is a temple. She’s not going to keep that shape forever the way she keeps eating red meat. I mean, when she has the baby she won’t be able to run the way she does now.
I park my car and walk down the street. The SUV is still there at the curb. I’ll take that over to Mac’s. That way the Chinese won’t stink up the ‘Vette. Yeah, a quick shower and I’m on my way. It’s been a good day, and it’s good to be back in my place. Maybe I can call Mac and have her bring the Chinese.
"Holy Shit!" Twelve messages? Who left me twelve messages on a Saturday, for Pete’s sake?
"Hey, Flyboy! Guess you’re out jogging. You beat me up for a change. When you get this call me back." I knew she would call. Probably wanted to go to dinner.
"Harm? Did you leave without calling me? Why didn’t you take your cell? I really needed you to pick up something before you met us. Darn it."
Pick up something. Before I met... "DAMN IT!" I had completely forgotten. She was taking little AJ to the new Jurassic Park Exhibit at the Natural History Museum. Harriet said he was really looking forward to it.
"Come on, Flyboy, I’ll make it worth your while…afterward."
"Hasn’t he seen the bones in your apartment?"
"Harm! Look, if you don’t want to go..."
"I was just kidding. Man, you can’t take a joke anymore, can you?"
"When it’s always at my expense? Maybe not. I don’t want to fight about it. I’ll take him myself."
"Or get Webb to go with you."
I had been really stupid to throw in that last remark. The look on her face had been amazed, then angry and finally just sad. I hadn’t known how to take it back. But then, when have I ever known how to take it back? I am in such deep shit. I hit the play button on the machine again and sit in my chair. I don’t think I can stand it.
"Harm? Where are you? I think something’s happened." I wonder who she was taking to? She sounds scared. Why didn’t I call her?
"Rabb, this is Admiral Chegwidden. If you’re there, call me at home."
There are four hang-ups and as they are cycling I look up at my cell phone on the counter. I don’t even bother to stand up to get it. I know there are probably a dozen messages there too.
"You Goddamn son-of-a-bitch. If you didn’t want to go, why didn’t you just say so? What the hell is the matter with you? We didn’t go to the museum. Little AJ was so disappointed. I had half the city looking for you. Clay even checked to make sure that Palmer was still in prison. The Admiral went to your apartment. Sturgis was driving all over looking for you. But I finally tracked you down. Well, you’ll probably call me before you get this. The guy at the field said he would give you the message."
I finally reach to the last message, and I really don’t want to listen to it. I almost erase it.
"Harm? I don’t know why you’re doing this. Are you punishing me for something? What’ve I ever done to you that I deserve this? You didn’t even wait for the guy to give you the message. He said that he tried to get your attention when you were leaving the field. I’m not upset that you didn’t want to go. I knew you wouldn’t enjoy it, but after you had told me that you wanted to spend some time with little AJ I thought for sure that you wouldn’t stand me up again. At least the guy said you went up alone. Did you need time alone? To think? What did you think about? But then you’ve never been able to tell me anything like that."
"Oh God." I rest my head against the back of the chair. How the hell am I going to make this up to her? Why does this sort of thing always happen to me? The Admiral will look at me like I messed up again. Bud and Harriet are going to be pissed at me because little AJ didn’t get to go to the museum like he was looking forward to. I don’t forget things. Why did I forget this? I should have called her. I should have called her as soon as I heard Tiner talking to Coates. I should have told her I didn’t want her seeing Webb anymore. But would she have stopped?
Well there’s nothing for it. I have to go over there and take my medicine. I just struggle to my feet when I hear someone picking the lock. My hand is on the handle even as the door is pushing in.
"Webb. What the hell are you doing?" But he pushes past me, strides through my living area, up the step to where my bed is and finally into the bathroom. "You stopped by to use the john?" It’s pathetic, but I am so mad I really want to take out my frustrations on someone, and Webb is looking mighty good.
"No. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." He remembers the Romanian princess once hid in my bathroom. He walks back and glares up at me. "What happened to you?"
"Go to hell. Man, you must be enjoying this immensely. What did you do, Webb, tell her that I was a no-good bastard?"
I swear there’s pity in his eyes. Fuck that shit. I don’t need his shit. His eyes scan the apartment. He sees I’ve picked up my messages and he gives me a sour look. His eyes rest on my cell for a moment before he goes over and picks it up. "These are remarkable devices. You unplug them, and you can drop them in your pocket, and they work without a wire."
"It needed to be charged." Why am I putting up with this shit? He’s not even using the cane to walk with anymore. I ought to flatten him.
"Sure." He punches in a number, listens and then says, "He’s here. He’s fine and he’s alone."
"No, I won’t do that. Here he is. No. You’re going to talk to him. Call me tomorrow if you’re too tired to go horseback riding. I’ll understand. Good night, Sarah." The next thing I know he’s shoving the phone into my hands. "You’re lucky I play fair, Rabb. You don’t deserve her."
I stare at the phone unable to say anything until the slamming of my door jars me back into awareness. "Mac?"
She doesn’t say anything for a long time, but I can hear that ‘oh how could you’ sigh thing going on. I really hate that.
"Mac! I’m really sorry."
"Why?"
"Mac, I forgot, okay?"
"I see."
Oh, yeah. I love that even more than the sigh. The CAG used to always tell us, don’t ever be put on the defensive. "Look. I needed to think. I know what’s going on between you and Webb."
"What the hell are you talking about?" Maybe the CAG was wrong. If I remember now, he’s on wife number four. Upset resignation bypassed confusion and a couple of other emotions to go right for righteous fury. "What the hell do you think you KNOW!"
"Wednesday! Tiner saw you and Webb coming out of that hotel! You’re sleeping with him!" Ha. Deal with that!
"Tiner? Since when has Tiner gotten anything right? I told you that I would tell you when and if I was ever going to start sleeping with Clay. He hasn’t pushed me like you did. He wanted to get to know me, unlike you."
"I’ve known you for eight years Mac!"
"Don’t! Just don’t. I don’t want to talk about this now. You couldn’t have called me. You had to punish me before you even asked."
"You were supposed to call me."
"Oh yeah. Check your voice mail. I called you Wednesday night to tell you that Webb had a handle on the Thompkins case and to let you know I was going to be back in the office on Friday afternoon and did you want to have dinner. But you weren’t there."
I left early. I still have enough sense to not let her know that I went out and got drunk and never once checked my messages.
"Harm?"
"Mac. I’m sorry." I can grovel. Sometimes you have to grovel.
"I know." She sounds so sad. "Look. I promised Clay I would go horseback riding with him tomorrow."
"Wonderful. The two of you can talk about what a jerk I am."
"Funny. Not once today did he badmouth you. I suggest you worry more about the Admiral than Clay."
"You had to call the Admiral. You couldn’t just figure that I forgot, stood you up and then busted my chops in private. You had to embarrass me like this?"
"You’re right. I really have to stop worrying about you. Stop following you to the ends of the earth. Good night, Harm."
"Mac!" Oh, shit. I quickly punch redial and see that it was her cell phone. I’m not surprised that I get her voicemail. I dial her home phone, but it rings and rings until the machine picks up. "Mac! Honey! Please. Pick up. I know you’re there. Damn it, Mac. I’m on my way over there. Don’t you dare leave until I get there!"
I run down the stairs and to my SUV. I can make this right. Pour on the charm. Hell, tonight might be the night I should ask her to marry me. That’s it! Now or never. Shit or get off the pot. Oh man, she’s not going to do to me what Anne, Jordan, and Renee did. No way. I don’t know if I can handle that again. It’s not fair. Damn you Webb.
It takes a while but I make it through Saturday night traffic and, of course, I have to search forever to find a parking place. But the Rabb luck holds out. I see a car pulling away from right in front of her building. Was that Webb’s car? Nah. Plenty of those little Beemers in this city. Yeah, I’m going to ask her to marry me. Then we’ll go to bed and she sure as hell will be too tired to go riding with Webb tomorrow.
I run up her stairs and my hand is raised to knock on her door. I know she’s there because I can hear the radio playing:
Do you plan to let me go
For the other guy you loved before?
I can’t stop them. God damn it. I’m crying and I know I should knock on her door. I know I can make this better. But I can’t. I turn away and walk down the hall.
I heard it through the grapevine
Not much longer would you be mine.