Recipe for Satire:

Heathen Fundamentalist BS Cookies

© 2003 by Ingeborg S. Nordén

 

I originally saw a Christian-themed version of the "recipe" below on a support list for former Christian fundamentalists. Thank you, Jeff Reid, for inspiring me to try my hand at a Heathen parody: as often as I've battled fundy fanatics in my own religion lately, this seemed like the right thing to do.

Chocolate Chip Fundamentalist BS Cookies
(Chef Edward A. Thumper's traditional Nordic recipe)

 

• 1 cup sifted fundamentalist BS
• 1/4 cup gratuitous Christian-bashing (gratuitous Wiccan-bashing may be substituted if necessary)
• 1/4 cup power-mongering arrogance
• 1/4 cup lore-thumping judgmentalism
• 1/4 cup know-it-all obnoxiousness
• 1/2 cup genetically pure walnuts¹
• 1/2 cup cynically bitter chocolate chips
• 1 large circular reasoning egg, or 1/4 cup circular reasoning substitute
• 1/3 cup honey left over from last year's mead batch²
• 1/4 cup Snorri Said it--That Settles It^® brand genuine Icelandic spring water
• 1/2 tsp. ground self-righteousness
• 1/4 tsp. political gossip-seasoned salt
• 1/2 tsp. phony tribal extraction
• 1/2 tsp. baking soda (to counteract nausea caused by remaining ingredients)
• 1/2 tsp. Midgard Serpent^® brand snake oil
• 1/3 cup blood-sacrificed animal lard

Preheat flaming Asatru debate forum to 3500 degrees. Mix the dry ingredients together with reason. Using common sense, mix the liquid ingredients separately, making sure to beat them together the way our ancestors must have done--never mind that half of my family's cookbook is missing, and the other half was transcribed by people who never cooked from scratch. Now mix all of the ingredients together rationally. Drop the batter with a $50 ritual spoon³ onto a true-to-lore flat Earth cooking disc⁴ and burn them halfway to a crisp with name-calling and ad-hominem attacks, for 10-12 minutes. Remove them from the flaming debate forum (you may need moderator privileges to handle this step safely), cool them, and enjoy!

These cookies go great with Back-to-the-Land Blood Sacrificed Animal Stew, or a Valhalla Value Meal with a 44-ounce hand-carved horn of home-brewed mead. Hail the Æsir!

 

More notes from Chef Thumper:

 

1.   Make sure the walnuts grew somewhere in Northern Europe; any substitution will ruin the flavor.  (back to recipe)

2.   What do you mean, you don't brew your own mead...Oh, you're allergic to alcohol? Don't blame me if the gods won't accept your results--bad Heathen!  (back to recipe)

3.   Be sure your spoon is carved from ash wood gathered with the right incantations and sacrifices...and that the handle is engraved with a perfectly accurate blood-stained runic motto in Old Norse. If it doesn't, you've done everything wrong and betrayed our ancestors by ignoring this recipe.  (back to recipe)

4.   I recommend Vinland Pride^® brand hand-forged, historically accurate non-stainless steel cookware. (back to recipe)