GOSFORD PARK Directed by Robert Altman Written by Julian Fellowes, based on Robert Altman & Bob Balaban's idea Scene 1. Lady Trentham's Façade MERRIMAN (to Mary) Don't just stand there. Give me a hand with the canopy. BURKETT Mary? Merriman? Are you ready? MERRIMAN Mary? MARY Yes, Mr. Burkett. BURKETT (to Lady Trentham) Everything's ready, milady. Scene 2. On The Way to Gosford Park MARY I think she's knocking. MERRIMAN Well, see what she wants. LADY TRENTHAM I can't open this wretched thing. MARY I suppose we better stop. LADY TRENTHAM I can't get this top off. WEISSMAN Hello. Is everything all right? Are- are you okay? LADY TRENTHAM Am I what? MARY We're all right, thank you. NOVELLO Is that Lady Trentham? Lady Trentham? It's, uh- I'm William McCordle's cousin, Ivor. Ivor Novello. LADY TRENTHAM Yes, of course. NOVELLO May I introduce a friend of mine from California? Mr. Morris Weissman. WEISSMAN Hello. Hi. NOVELLO Uh, we were just wondering if we were headed in the same direction. LADY TRENTHAM I dare say we might be. NOVELLO Well, if- If everything seems to be all right- WEISSMAN Bye. LADY TRENTHAM Could we get on before I freeze to death? MARY Was that really Ivor Novello? LADY TRENTHAM Yes. Could we get on? Scene 3. Welcome To Gosford Park WEISSMAN Oh, hello. Nice house. I like it. SIR WILLIAM Ah. Hello, Ivor. JENNINGS (to Sylvia) Welcome back, Your Ladyship. NOVELLO (to Sir William) Hello. SIR WILLIAM Constance, welcome. LADY TRENTHAM (to Sylvia) Hello, dear. If he has to call me by my Christian name, why can't he make it 'aunt Constance'? I'm not the upstairs maid. He's still got that vile little dog, I see. SYLVIA Yes, the ones we hate last forever. Did you have a horrid journey? LADY TRENTHAM Yes, fairly horrid. JENNINGS (To Merriman) Take the car around the back to unload it. (to Mary) You better follow him. Mrs. Wilson will look after you. (to Louisa) Your Ladyship. (to Lord Stockbridge) Your Lordship. LORD STOKBRIDGE Mm-hmm. SIR WILLIAM Louisa. LOUISA William. SIR WILLIAM Raymond. LORD STOCKBRIDGE William. SIR WILLIAM Lots of good shooting coming. LORD STOCKBRIDGE That's what we're here for. Scene 4. Servants' Hall MRS WILSON Just leave everything in one pile around the corner there. Make sure it's properly labeled. It'll go up in the luggage lift. BARNES These are the guns. Where's the gunroom? MRS WILSON Down there on the right. Find Mr. Strutt, the keeper. He'll show you what to do. BARNES I know what to do. MRS CROFT Ellen, what do you think you're doing over there? LEWIS Take that rain off those cases before you take them up. HOUSEMAID Those are Mr. Novello's bags. MRS WILSON (to Henry) Who are you? HENRY I'm Mr. Weissman's man. MERRIMAN (to Mrs. Wilson) The Countess of Trentham. MRS WILSON Yes. Make sure they're properly labeled. Put them down there, all right? MERRIMAN Where am I? MRS WILSON You're in the stable block with the grooms. Her Ladyship is in the Chinese room. Elsie! Elsie! (to Mary) You'll be sharing with the head housemaid. She'll show you where everything is, all right? Elsie, this is Miss Trentham. MARY Mrs. Wilson- Excuse me, ma'am. MRS WILSON (to Elsie) Take care of her, will you? MARY (to Elsie) My name's Mary. Mary Maceachran. ELSIE Not here, it's not. It's Trentham. ROBERT (to Mrs. Wilson) Lord Stockbridge. Guns. MRS WILSON Down there on the right. ROBERT The name's Parks. Robert Parks. MRS WILSON Mr. Parks? Uh, Mr. Parks, below stairs you'll be known as Mr. Stockbridge. HOUSEMAID There's three more outside. MRS WILSON I know a Mr. Parks who was in service in Norwich. Is he any relation of yours? ROBERT NO. London born and bred. Scene 5. Servants' Hall to Safe Room MARY What should I do with Her Ladyship's jewels? ELSIE It's this way. George is in charge of the safe. He's the first footman and you wanna watch where he puts his hands. SARAH (to Elsie) She's new. ELSIE Have you got the ones for tonight? MARY Oh, sorry. ELSIE Always bring a separate box for the first night. It saves bother. Scene 6. Gallery MABEL Freddie, do wait. FREDDIE For goodness sakes, Mabel. What is it this time? MABEL Does my hair look all right? FREDDIE IT looks fine. Where the hell were you? MABEL We're not late. Freddie, do please stop going on. FREDDIE Isobel? Hello. MABEL Hello, Isobel. ISOBEL Hello. FREDDIE Darling, I'll see you in there. (to Isobel) There's been something I've been meaning to say to you. Have you, uh- Have you spoken to your father? ISOBEL NO. FREDDIE What do you mean, no? Hey, you promised. ISOBEL I never promised. I said I'd do my best. FREDDIE You're so beautiful when you resist me. ISOBEL Stop it. I'll ask him tonight. FREDDIE Well, you bloody well better. ISOBEL (to George) You shouldn't sneak up on people like that. FREDDY Don't worry. It's nobody. GEORGE Sorry, Miss Isobel. FREDDY Do you really think you'll have a chance to speak to him tonight? ISOBEL Would you stop going on about it? FREDDIE Izzy, that's all very well- LORD STOCKBRIDGE (To Louisa) I think it's ridiculous. I'm here to shoot. LOUISA Darling, it's a relief to me to sit next to someone who isn't deaf in one ear. LORD STOCKBRIGE I'm sorry? Scene 7. Red Drawing Room MEREDITH Darling, what do you mean 'leave it'? LAVINIA Well, I just mean let it come naturally. Don't try and steer the conversation. It makes you sound so desperate. MEREDITH Well, I am fucking desperate. SIR WILLIAM Hello, Raymond. (to Weissman) This is my brother-in-law, Lord Stockbridge. WEISSMAN Hello, I'm Morris Weissman. LORD STOCKBRIDGE Who? WEISSMAN Morris Weissman. LORD STOCKBRIDGE Weissman, yes. WEISSMAN Hello. Scene 8. Servants' Hall MRS WILSON Oh, Elsie? Elsie, this is Lord Stockbridge's valet. He's new to the house, so show him around, will you? (to Robert) You'll be sharing with Mr. Weissman's man. Has His Lordship's luggage gone up? ROBERT Supposedly. He's in the Tapestry room, wherever that is. Oh, well. Here we go again. MARY That's just it? I've never done a house party before, not properly. ELSIE How come you got taken on as a Countess lady's maid if you got no experience? MARY She wants to train me. She said she didn't care about experience. ELSIE She didn't want to pay for it, you mean. RENEE It's cold in here. LEWIS You should pack your woolies when you come to this house. ELSIE Here we are. LEWIS Is everything all right, Elsie? ELSIE Fine, Miss Lewis. Thanks. That's your bed there. Scene 9. Red Drawing Room to Library SIR WILLIAM That's good? Yeah, that's tasty. LOUISA Very tasty. SIR WILLIAM I think I'll - I shall go in the library. Here you are, Pip, Pip. PROBERT I beg your pardon, sir. I thought I'd just take the Times up with me in case you'd like to read it when you're dressing. SIR WILLIAM Thank you, Probert. Look after Pip for me, will you? (to Pip) Good boy. PROBERT Of course, sir. Scene 10. Red Drawing Room WEISSMAN I have to make a telephone call to California in a couple of hours. I can't find a telephone. SYLVIA Well, there's a telephone just here on the left. WEISSMAN Oh, wonderful. Thank you. You know, of course, I'll reverse the charges. SYLVIA Yes. Scene 11. Library. LOUISA So, who's the funny little American? SIR WILLIAM Oh. Morris Weissman. He's a friend of Ivor. LOUISA Oh. SIR WILLIAM He makes films in Hollywood. Ivor asked if he could bring him along. Didn't see why not. I thought he might be interested in guns and shooting. LOUISA Oh, well, never mind. He adds to the glamour of the gathering. I didn't expect anything half as exotic. Oh, no, not for me. You know I hate drinking whiskey. SIR WILLIAM Go on, drink it. Do you good. Go on. LOUISA Oh, really, Bill. You are such a bad influence. Well, don't blame me if I start misbehaving. SIR WILLIAM I don't know how impressed your husband is with our Hollywood folk. LOUISA Well, you know Raymond. He only feels safe with his own kind. Bill! Scene 12. Elsie Bedroom ELSIE I thought ladies' maids never wore aprons. MARY Her Ladyship used to have a French maid who wore a black one like this. She thinks it's got a bit of style. ELSIE I bet she does, and I bet she took it out of your wages, too. MARY She likes to have everything just so. ELSIE Mmm. Don't they all. MARY That's him. ELSIE Who? MARY Ivor Novello. He passed us on the road today oh his way here and he spoke to me. Well, he spoke to Her Ladyship, but I answered. ELSIE I only cut it out for Garbo. I prefer the American stars. I think they've got more oomph. MARY Go on! Is he really Sir William's cousin? ELSIE Yep. MARY Imagine having a film star in the family. Lady Sylvia must be thrilled. ELSIE No, I don't think. MARY Why wouldn't she be? ELSIE 'Cause she's a snobbish cow. 'Cause she- She looks down on anyone who got to the top with drains and hard work. Just like she looks down on her husband, except when it's time to foot the bills. And then she's got her hand out, all right. MARY What was her family, then? ELSIE What'd you expect, really? Toffee-nosed and useless. Her father was the Earl of Carton. Sounds good, except he didn't have a pot to piss in. MARY What's she like to work for? ELSIE She's horrible. But he's- He's okay. Come on. We better get cracking. Scene 13. Red Drawing Room NOVELLO Hello, I'm Ivor. MABEL I know who you are. Mabel Nesbitt. NOVELLO Hello, Mabel. MABEL How are you? NOVELLO Very well, thank you. MABEL Oh! I don't smoke. Thank you. Scene 14. Servants' Hall to Ironing Room ELSIE Mrs. Nesbitt's only got one dress with her. Says her husband rushed her when she was packing. MARY Do you always look after visitors if they haven't got a maid? ELSIE Sometimes Dorothy helps, though why Mrs. Wilson makes the still room maid do it beats me. I think she only does it to annoy Mrs. Croft. MARY Which one does Dorothy answer to? ELSIE Both. That's the problem. She's rushed off her feet as it is. Are you nearly done there? MARY Yes. RENEE Here she is- Miss Bossy. Scene 15. Red Drawing Room MABEL Tell me what was Greta Garbo really like? Did you get to know her? NOVELLO Yes, I did, actually. She's coming to stay with me next month. LADY TRENTHAM Tell me, how much longer are you going to go on making films? NOVELLO I suppose that rather depends on how much longer the public want to see me in them. LADY TRENTHAM Yes, it must be hard to know when it's time to throw in the towel. What a pity about that last one of yours. What- what was it called? The Dodger. NOVELLO The Lodger. LADY TRENTHAM The Lodger. And it must be so disappointing when something just, you know, flops like that. NOVELLO Yes, it's rather disappointing. Scene 16. Ironing Room ELSIE Look at this. Machine-made lace. BARNES Hark at her. ELSIE Well, I hate cheap clothes. They're twice the work and they never look as good. PROBERT I'll murder that dog one day. Look at that. All over his waistcoat. RENEE What do you expect from a woman without her own maid? SARAH Lady Lavinia says a woman who travels with no maid has lost her self-respect. She calls it 'giving in'. ELSIE I don't have a maid. I haven't given in. SARAH That's different. ELSIE Why? ROBERT (to Mary) What's your name? MARY I think here I'm called Trentham. ROBERT No, I meant your real name. MARY Oh, Mary. Mary Maceachran. ROBERT Blimey. What does Her Ladyship call you? MARY Well, she should call me Maceachran, now I'm a lady's maid, that's what my mother says. But Her Ladyship can't pronounce it, so she calls me Mary. ROBERT I don't blame her. Scene 17. Red Drawing Room LORD STOCKBRIDGE Sylvia, I'm serious. There mustn't be any more nonsense. SYLVIA I don't know what you're talking about. Done much shooting this year/ LORD STOCKBRIDGE Quite a lot. MEREDITH (to Pip) Hello. SYLVIA Does Louisa always go out with you? LORD STOCKBRIDGE Usually. SYLVIA It's very good of her. MEREDITH (to Sir William) Do you have a minute? SIR WILLIAM Don't do that! That's bad for him! Put him down! SYLVIA Yeah. Bores me stiff. SIR WILLIAM All right, Pip. MEREDITH I just wondered- SYLVIA William's such a rotten shot. I usually try and duck out of it, particularly in Scotland. LORD STOCKBRIDGE I'm rather fond of Scotland. Scene 18. Kitchen MRS CROFT All right, get on with your work. Yes? MRS WILSON Ah, Mr. Weissman. There you are. MRS CROFT. I'm dealing with this. What is it, Mr. Weissman? HENRY Well, to start with, my name is Denton. Henry Denton. MRS WILSON You're here as valet to Mr. Weissman. That means you'll be known as Mr. Weissman below stairs for the duration of your stay. We stick to the old customs here. It saves confusion. HENRY (to Mrs. Croft) It's about Mr. Weissman's diet? MRS CROFT & MRS WILSON Yes? HENRY (to Mrs. Wilson) He's a vegetarian. MRS CROFT A what? HENRY A vegetarian. He doesn't eat meat. He eats fish, but not meat. MRS CROFT Well, I never! Doesn't eat meat? He's coming for a shooting party and he doesn't eat meat! HENRY Mr. Weissman doesn't intend to shoot. I think he just want to walk out with them, get a bit of air. MRS CROFT Get a bit of air? MRS WILSON Yes, thank you. We'll make the necessary arrangements. Now I suggest you get one of the servants to take you upstairs. Mr. Weissman is in the Green bedroom, and you'll be sharing with Lord Stockbridge's valet, Robert Parks. MRS CROFT He's very full of himself, I must say. 'Doesn't eat meat.' MRS WILSON Now, now, Mrs. Croft. We don't want to be thought unsophisticated, do we? Mr. Weissman's an American. They do things differently there. Scene 19. Red Drawing Room SIR WILLIAM (to Pip) Good boy, now. Give Louisa a kiss from me. NOVELLO (to Sylvia) Darling, I'm sorry about that. I should have made it clear that Morris just doesn't shoot. SYLVIA Don't worry. William's just making a fuss. He has this ridiculous idea that Americans all sleep with guns under their pillow. NOVELLO They do, but they're more for each other than for killing birds. LORD STOCKBRIDGE Remind me. How are you related to William exactly? NOVELLO Our mothers were first cousins. LORD STOCKBRIDGE Don't believe I ever met William's mother. Didn't she do something rather original? NOVELLO Well, she was a teacher. And so was mine. LORD STOCKBRIDGE Oh, that's marvelous, isn't it? NOVELLO Yes. LADY TRENTHAM (to Mabel) Sylvia is so clever. She always finds such wonderful servants. I don't know how she manages. Now, I'm breaking in a new maid. I'm simply worn out with it. And actually, there's nothing more exhausting, is there? MABEL I don't have a lady's maid. LADY TRENTHAM Oh. (to Sylvia) Hello. I was just telling dear Mabel here about my new maid. Honestly the amount I have to do for her, she should be paying me. SYLVIA She does seem rather young. LADY TRENTHAM Well, of course, what she is, my dear, is wonderfully cheap. Scene 20. Outside the Red Drawing Room MABEL You've no right to pull me away in mid-conversation. FREDDIE Mabel, where are you going? The room's this way. Why the hell did you have to mention you don't have a maid? Why would you mention you didn't have a maid, for God's sake? Scene 21. Shoes Room ARTHUR You'd find it a lot easier to clean them if you put the trees in first. HENRY I was just about to do that. ARTHUR Are these Mr. Novello's shoes? HENRY Yes. ARTHUR Do you really live in Hollywood? HENRY I do. ARTHUR Hmm. How did you get there? I mean, where did you start from? HENRY What else do you think? Scotland. ARTHUR Were you always in service? Did you ever think of trying to get into films while you were there? Hmm? I want to be an actor once when I was little. Scene 22. Ironing Room SARAH I suppose old mother Trentham will have her begging bowl out while she's here. RENEE She won't be bothering your employers, that's certain. MARY Why not? ELSIE Because Lady Lavinia Meredith hasn't got a penny to bless herself with. BARNES And whose fault is that? SARAH There's nothing wrong with the commander. He's just been a bit of unfortunate. BARNES I'll say. I think he's pathetic. SARAH Then why don't you hand in your notice? RENEE Well, the other two sisters fell on their feet. Of course, it helps that they're both good-looking. MARY Lady Sylvia's lovely. ELSIE You think so? SARAH She might have done a bit better for herself, really. ELSIE I beg your pardon? Lord carton was determined to have Sir William for either of the two eldest. I was told he could have had his pick. MARY Why was Lord Carton so keen? BARNES Why do you think? Who do you suppose pays for him to swan around Biarritz for six months of the year? Come to that, who keeps Ma Trentham in stockings and gin? Old money bags, that's who. ELSIE I think it's disgusting the way they all use him. None of the rest of them have got the brains to make the price of a packet of tea. MRS WILSON Are you finished, Elsie? ELSIE Yes, Mrs. Wilson. I've just got this hem to do. MARY (to Robert) What's Lord Stockbridge like? ROBERT He thinks he's God almighty. They all do. Scene 23. Dining Room HENRY Why does this fork go on the right? ARTHUR Because they eat the fish with two of them. One in each hand. HENRY Why is that, then? ARTHUR Search me. GEORGE What are you doing here? HENRY Just looking around. GEORGE Mr. Jennings will be up in a minute. If I were you, I'd go and look around somewhere else. HENRY Is that what you'd do? GEORGE That's exactly what I would do. HENRY Then that's what I'll do. GEORGE Something funny about that bloke. ARTHUR His accent for a start. GEORGE What do you think his game is? ARTHUR I don't know. JENNINGS Are you finished? What about Lord Rupert Standish and Mr. Blond? GEORGE Her Ladyship said not to wait for them. The stuff's all ready if they turn up on time. We can stick on two extra places in a jiffy. JENNINGS When they arrive, you'll be dressing Mr. Blond, Arthur. ARTHUR Mr. Blond? JENNINGS Yes, Mr. Blond. George, you'll have Lord Rupert. If they're very late, they can change by themselves, and you can tidy up when they're downstairs. Is Mr. Nesbitt settled? GEORGE I'll go and finish him off now, sir. ARTHUR And Mr. Novello? JENNINGS Mr. Weissman's man will attend to him. Right. After you're finished, join me in the drawing room with the drinks. GEORGE (to Arthur) What's the matter with you? ARTHUR Nothing. Only thought I'd be doing Mr. Novello, that's all. GEORGE Now you won't get to see him in his underdrawers. Never mind. Better luck next time. Scene 23. Chinese Room LADY TRENTHAM They're rather a mixed bunch. That Mr. Weissman's very odd. Apparently, he produces motion pictures. The Charlie Chan mysteries. Or does he direct them? I never know the difference. MARY Really? I enjoy those, milady. LADY TRENTHAM Ye- Mary. I suppose it's fun having a film star staying. There's always so little to talk about after the first flush of recognition. And why has Freddie Nesbitt brought that awful, common little wife of his? I mean, Isobel only asked him because a gun dropped out, that's no excuse to inflict her on us all. Mary! So what's the gossip in the servants' hall? Hmm? MARY Um, nothing, milady. LADY TRENTHAM Nonsense. Come on. Out with it. MARY Well, is it true that Sir William could have married Lady Stockbridge if he'd wanted to? LADY TRENTHAM Is that what they're saying? MARY Only that Lord Carton was after Sir William for one of them, but he didn't care which. LADY TRENTHAM What would you say if I told you they cut cards for him? Scene 25. Sir William Bedroom SYLVIA William, Lewis said you wanted me. SIR WILLIAM Who's next to me at dinner? SYLVIA Oh, you know. Aunt Constance and Lavinia. SIR WILLIAM Oh, why do I have to have that bloody old trout all the time? I want Louisa. SYLVIA Do I have to explain the table of precedence again? SIR WILLIAM I don't give a shit about precedence. SYLVIA Well, you always complain that people look down on you and then you behave like a peasant. Scene 26. Chinese Room LADY TRENTHAM Now, tomorrow morning I'll- I'll breakfast in bed, and then get straight up into the tweeds. What shirt have you brought? MARY Mmm, the green with the pink stripe. LADY TRENTHAM Oh, no, dear. No. That's quite wrong. No. Always something very plain for country sports. The one I had on today will do. MARY But it's soiled. LADY TRENTHAM Yeah, well, you can wash it, can't you? God. I have shooting. Why does one have to do these things? Scene 27. Sir William Bedroom to Corridor SIR WILLIAM Has Constance asked for money yet? SYLVIA No. SIR WILLIAM Raymond tells me she's been complaining that her allowance isn't big enough. Good mind to stop it completely. SYLVIA I thought it was for her lifetime. SIR WILLIAM Ha ha! No, no. SYLVIA Will that be all, sir? SIR WILLIAM Mmm. I do wish that Anthony wasn't here. Make sure I'm not left alone with him, will you? SYLVIA Why? SIR WILLIAM I'm pulling out of his scheme. SYLVIA Oh. Have you told him? SIR WILLIAM No. And I'm not going to either. Louisa said I should leave it till next week. Let him sob in private. (to Pip) Go. Say hello to your mommy. Go on. SYLVIA Far be it for me to contradict Louisa. PROBERT Will there be anything else, sir? SIR WILLIAM Just get Pip. He might fall down the stairs. PROBERT Oh, where is he gone? Hey, hey, come here. Come here. Thank you, Elsie. You keep hold of him. Is everything all right? ELSIE Cheap dress, wrong shoes. I'm making bricks without straw, Mr. Probert, really. (to Mary) You don't have any spare hairpins, do you? MARY Yeah. I'm trying to get back to the room for a second and I can't find it. ELSIE It's the staircase at the end of the corridor. MARY Oh, thank you. SIR WILLIAM Ah. Oh, Pip. Oh, thank you, Elsie. Thank you. Oh! You've got some hair on your dress. ELSIE Thank you, sir. SIR WILLIAM Yes. Scene 28. Nesbitt Bedroom FREDDIE Shut up, Mabel! There is nothing going on between me and Isobel. MABEL Can't you just tell me the truth? You're a liar, Freddie. FREDDIE There is nothing- MABEL You are a liar! FREDDIE Don't you call me a liar! ELSIE I found some pins, madam, from Lady Trentham's maid. MABEL Right. FREDDIE We're supposed to be downstairs already. MABEL Well, you go on. I'll be down on a minute. FREDDIE (to Elsie) Try and make her look respectable. MABEL (to Elsie) Oh, thank you. Well, there's no harm in trying. Scene 29. Drawing Room WEISSMAN Well, thank you very much, Mr. Jennings. JENNINGS Just Jennings, sir. WEISSMAN All right. Just Jennings. Oh, by the way, I've booked a telephone call to California and I'd appreciate it if you would get me as soon as it comes through. JENNINGS Very good, sir. WEISSMAN Thank you, Jennings. (to Novello) You're not gonna provide entertainment? NOVELLO That's how you got your invitation. LADY SYLVIA Oh, no, don't get up. Please go on. Please. FREDDIE (to Isobel) You look lovely in that dress, if I may say so. ISOBEL Thank you. SYLVIA (to Novello) What is it? I don't recognize it. NOVELLO Just something I'm working on. SYLVIA I can't imagine how one ever goes about inventing a tune. Where do you start? NOVELLO It's rather difficult to say. SYLVIA Well, I think you're too clever for words. MABEL (to Sylvia) Good evening. SYLVIA Hello. MABEL Lovely dress. SYLVIA Thank you. WEISSMAN (to Mabel) Hi. MABEL Hi. WEISSMAN (to Novello) How do you manage to put up with these people? NOVELLO Well, you forget that I earn my living by impersonating them. JENNINGS (to Henry) Can I help you? HENRY You know, I really enjoy the way you do things, Mr. Jennings. JENNINGS I beg your pardon? WEISSMAN What is it, Henry? HENRY Nothing. I just wanted to be sure you had everything you need, sir. WEISSMAN Yes, I do. Thank you. (to Jennings) It's wonderful to find a servant these days who really shows an interest, don't you think? JENNINGS Sir. Scene 30. Servants Dining Room MRS CROFT Come on, girls. Sit down. Tuck in. We've got twenty minutes. GEORGE Shuffle along. Here he comes. DOROTHY Everything satisfactory, Mr. Jennings? JENNINGS Yes, thank you, Dorothy. They have their drinks. I think we can all take our leisure for half an hour or so. What's this? RENEE I believe this is my place, Mr. Jennings. GEORGE Oh. JENNINGS And since when did a baroness outrank a countess? Miss Trentham, would you take the place of honour, please? Miss Trentham? MARY I'm all right here, Mr. Jennings. Thank you. DOROTHY Go on. Don't keep him waiting. JENNINGS Ah, Miss Meredith. Would you come and sit on my left? SARAH Naturally, I'm nothing when there are visitors in the house. Never mind. I'm used to it. PROBERT Good evening, Mrs. Wilson. MRS WILSON Good evening. JENNINGS & ALL Foe what we are about to receive, may the Lord make us truly grateful. JENNINGS Right. Start when you get it. No time for loitering. ELSIE I'm not serving tonight, Mr. Jennings, am I? JENNINGS Not tonight, Elsie, but probably tomorrow. MARY (to George) Where is Mrs. Croft? GEORGE Always eats with her own staff. MARY Does she take her pudding to Mrs. Wilson's room? Our cook does that. GEORGE Fat chance. They hate each other. HENRY Can I ask a question? JENNINGS Certainly, Mr. Weissman. How can we help you? HENRY I just wondered, how many people have had parents in service? And was that why they chose to go into it? JENNINGS What an interesting question, and one to which, I'm afraid, I cannot provide the answer. All of you whose parents were in service, raised your hand. GEORGE My father was. LEWIS Both- nanny and groom. JENNINGS Not you, Dorothy? DOROTHY My father was a farmer, Mr. Jennings. A tenant of Lord Carton's. JENNINGS Mr. Meredith? BARNES Factory hands, both of them. And if you ask me, they were better off. HENRY What about you, Mr. Stockbridge? GEORGE What's the matter? Don't you know? ROBERT Yeah. I know what they did. But it didn't have any effect on me or my choice of work. MRS WILSON And why's that? ROBERT Because I grew up in an orphanage. JENNINGS Thank you, Mr. Weissman, for giving us all a little something to think about. Scene 31. Servants Dining Room JENNINGS Oh, Her Ladyship. SYLVIA Oh, I'm so sorry to disturb you. Please, do sit down and finish your supper. Mrs. Wilson, a major crisis has arisen. I have just found that Mr. Weissman won't eat meat and I don't know what to do. I can't tell Mrs. Croft. I simply don't dare. MRS WILSON Everything's under control, Your Ladyship. Mr. Weissman's valet informed us as soon as he arrived, so we've prepared a special version of the soup. He can eat the fish and the hors d'oeuvres, and we'll have a Welsh rarebit for the game course. I don't know what we're going to do about the entrée, but we'll think of something. SYLVIA Thank you, Mrs. Wilson. Ten steps ahead as usual. Which one of you is Mr. Weissman's valet? HENRY I am, Your Ladyship. SYLVIA Are you, indeed? Yes, heavens. Um, thank you for your efficiency. GEORGE (to Henry) You're all set, then. JENNINGS Yes, George? GEORGE Nothing, sir. JENNINGS I should hope not. I'm very hungry. Scene 32. Dining Room LADY TRENTHAM I was, uh, wondering, William, if I could have a word with you alone after dinner? SIR WILLIAM I can't leave my guests, can I? LADY TRENTHAM You'll make that dog sick. MEREDITH Isobel, did you know that William and I are going into business together in the Sudan? ISOBEL No, I didn't know that. MEREDITH It's quite exiting. Um, what's happened is apparently, there are hundreds and hundreds of Sudanese native soldiers, entire regiments wandering around the desert, willy-nilly, without anything on their feet, which causes some hardship, I imagine. MABEL (to Novello) No, I grew up in Leicester. My father had a glove factory. NOVELLO Really? MABEL One thing I do know is how a glove should fit. FREDDIE Really, darling. You're boring poor Mr. Novello to death. NOVELLO No! WEISSMAN (to Louisa) I think he's going to explain everything to me and kind of show me how it all works. There's gonna be a pheasant hunt in my picture. MEREDITH (to Isobel) There's a large market in modernizing the armies in the Sudan and, um, providing them with boots. Scene 32. Outside The Garage BERTHA And then the old bag just served it to all the servants, I couldn't believe it. MARY Aren't you cold? BERTHA It's better than that kitchen. MARY (to Merriman) Here. I thought you could do with this. MERRIMAN Oh, that's kind, love. RUPERT Elsie, hello. ELSIE Good evening, Your Lordship. RUPERT We've got bags and guns and everything and no man. If I give you the keys, will you sort it out for me? ELSIE Of course, Your Lordship. RUPERT Thank you. MALE SERVANT We'll get your bags, sir. JEREMY Thank you. That's very kind of you. Good evening. (to Bertha) Sorry, can I trouble you for a light, please? MALE SERVANT#2 You got that bag? MALE SERVANT Yeah. JEREMY (to Bertha) Thank you. Good evening. Scene 34. Dining Room MEREDITH You mean you think he's losing interest in that sort of thing? ISOBEL Well, not just that. The whole Empire. I think he said the steam's gone out of it. MEREDITH William? That's not true, is it? That you think the Empire's finished? SIR WILLIAM I've been what? FREDDIE Well, the Empire was finished after the war. Well, because of the war. It changed everything. SIR WILLIAM Empire Leicester Square? LAVINIA Well, I don't care what's changed or not changed. As long as our sons spared what you all went through. SYLVIA Oh, not all. You didn't fight, did you, William? SIR WILLIAM I did my bit. SYLVIA Well, you made a lot of money, but it's not quite the same thing as charging into the cannon's mouth, is it? Thank God for Raymond. At least the family had one representative in the front line. Raymond, tell them how many times you were mentioned in the despatches. LORD STOCKBRIDGE I forget. SYLVIA No, you don't. Come on. FREDDIE Is he being modest? SYLVIA Yes, he's being very modest. JENNINGS (to Elsie) What do you think you're doing here? ELSIE Mrs. Wilson asked me to tell you that the others have arrived. JENNINGS Good. (to Sylvia) Lord Rupert Standish and Mr. Blond are here, milady. SYLVIA No, they're too late. They can have a tray in the billiard room. They can join us later. JENNINGS Very good, milady. ISOBEL (to Sylvia) IS Rupert here? SYLVIA Yes. ISOBEL Shall I go and say hello? SYLVIA No, I don't think so. Scene 35. Billiards Room JEREMY Face it. You're a younger son with the taste of a marquees and the income of a vicar. Her mother likes you. She does, too. Now, I know she's not exactly a show-stopper. RUPERT Her father's not keen on the idea. JEREMY He'll come around. "Have you met my daughter, Lady Rupert Standish?" RUPERT He thinks I'm in it for the money. JEREMY Of course he does. But you can't let that put you off. RUPERT He's much more of an obstacle than you think. JEREMY Then you must overcome that, mustn't you? ARTHUR Her Ladyship asked if you would join her in the drawing room when you've finished. Scene 36. Dining Room SIR WILLIAM All right, ladies, off you go. Gentlemen. Gents, move down. Louisa, look after Pip for me, will you? LADY TRENTHAM I wonder if we could have a word or two later on, William. SIR WILLIAM Ah. Good. Good. MEREDITH Jennings, could I? JENNINGS Certainly, sir. Scene 37. Kitchen BERTHA There's more in here. I'm just getting them. I need all the knives there. All the knives. ETHEL Come on, Maude. Let's go and get the fish kettle. MAUDE Yeah. BERTHA Fred? Albert? Ready? (to Mrs. Croft) There he is. MRS CROFT Who? BERTHA Lord Stockbridge's valet. Apparently, he grew up in an orphanage. Arthur said they made him shout it down the table. Makes you feel sorry for him, really. MRS CROFT It's nothing to be ashamed of. It's not his fault. Scene 38. Drawing Room JENNINGS Would you like me to ask Lord Rupert and Mr. Blond to join you, sir? SIR WILLIAM No, leave them be. They can entertain the ladies. Give Mr. Novello a rest. FREDDIE Anthony, did I overhear you at dinner saying you were going into business with Sir William? SIR WILLIAM I beg your pardon? WEISSMAN Is it very old? MEREDITH (to Freddie) Possibly, possibly. FREDDIE If you need an expert in changing money, especially Africa, I'm your man - expert. Yes, the expert. Scene 39. Kitchen BERTHA No, it's not here. And Mr. Jennings is certain he hasn't got it? MRS CROFT Oh, so he says. BERTHA But if it's a silver carving knife, he must have it. It's just gone in the wrong drawer in the silver pantry. It wouldn't have been put in here. MRS CROFT Well, that's what I told him. How old would you say that Mr. Stockbridge was? BERTHA I don't know. About 31, 32. Why? MRS CROFT Oh, no reason. Well, I think I'll turn in. We got an early start. You can tell Mr. Jennings we haven't got that knife. Scene 40. Lady Sylvia Bedroom to Corridor LEWIS Pleasant evening, milady? SYLVIA Not really, no. Had Lord Stockbridge on one side boring for Britain and Freddie Nesbitt on the other sucking up. Oh, I'm worn out. Is there any more chocolate in that pot? LEWIS I'll go down and make some more, milady. SYLVIA Lewis? Lewis? (to Henry) I was looking for my maid. HENRY She's just gone downstairs. Can I help? SYLVIA She's going to fetch me some chocolate, but now I wonder whether I wouldn't prefer milk. HENRY Would that be hot milk or cold? SYLVIA You decide. HENRY I couldn't say, milady. SYLVIA Hot then, with something to make it sweet. You have your hands in your pockets. Otherwise, I'll never sleep. HENRY Why? Do you have trouble sleeping, milady? SYLVIA I have a feeling I might have trouble tonight. I'll be wide awake at 1:00 a.m., bored to sobs. HENRY Then we must try and think of something to amuse you. MEREDITH Barnes, it's all right. BARNES Oh, I'm so sorry, sir. FREDDIE No, I knew it. I knew William would try something like this. Well, of course he would. Fuck him! BARNES (to himself) Short arse. FREDDIE And fuck this room! Scene 41. Weissman Bedroom WEISSMAN I think you should come with me tomorrow. I'll just say I need you. Oh, I got through to the coast tonight. Finally. Is that clock right? We got turned down by Una Merkel, so- Sheehan's pushing for a rewrite. He thinks the part's too small. It's a fucking Charlie Chan picture, not a movie about a socialite. So, will I see you later? HENRY I don't think I should risk it. Do you? Good night, sir. WEISSMAN Henry. Don't forget those. They'll think you don't care. Scene 42. Parks & Denton Bedroom MARY Oh, I must've taken the wrong stairs. HENRY You better not be seen up here. MARY I'd better go down. HENRY Why? There's no rush. Since you're here now, what about a drink? MARY Oh! What are you doing? No! Get off me! Get off me! Get off- HENRY What? ROBERT What's this? (to Mary) What are you doing here? MARY I came up the wrong staircase. I was just waiting till the coast was clear. ROBERT Well, you better go down again before anyone catches you. Just a minute. HENRY What? ROBERT Nothing. HENRY Do you want a drink? ROBERT Sure. HENRY So what do you make of the place? Is this s well-run house, would you say? Do you think Sir William would be good to work for? ROBERT No. HENRY How long you've been doing this? ROBERT What? HENRY Valeting. ROBERT About seven years. I was a footman before that. HENRY And working for Lord Stokbridge- is that a promotion? ROBERT No. I used to be with the Earl of Flintshire. HENRY Then why did you move? ROBERT 'Cause I felt like it. HENRY Who's that? ROBERT That's my mother. HENRY Where's she live? ROBERT She doesn't. That's why they put me in an orphanage. HENRY That's right. Sorry. What happened to her? ROBERT What do you mean? HENRY I mean, why did she die? Was she young? Was it in childbirth? ROBERT You're not very curious, are you? Yeah, she was young. She worked in a factory. She had me. A little while later, she died. End of story. HENRY Then why didn't you say she was a factory worker at dinner? ROBERT 'Cause I didn't fancy discussing my private life with a table full of strangers. HENRY I'm sorry if I spoke out of turn, mate. Didn't mean to offend you. ROBERT I'm not offended. And don't call me 'mate'. HENRY Well, I'll see you later. I've got a date with a hot glass of milk. Scene 43. Elsie Bedroom I shouldn't worry about it. It goes with the territory. Oh, look. It's Mr. Novello. MARY Just think of him sleeping downstairs. ELSIE I'm gonna have to watch you, my girl. I can see that. MARY Her Ladyship says Mr. Weissman's a Hollywood producer. He does the Charlie Chan films. ELSIE Yeah, I like those. I like a bit of a fright in the cinema. MARY You could go with his valet. He'd give you a fright. You'd better keep your eye on him. I think he's a queer one. He's not from Scotland, for a start. At least not any part of it that I know. What's Mrs. Nesbitt like? ELSIE She's all right. I feel a bit sorry for her, really. Of course, it never works. MARY What never works? ELSIE Well, when a man like that marries beneath him, he hasn't got the brains to carry it off. MARY I think it's romantic to marry for love. ELSIE Love? Not him. He's a nasty piece of work. The Honourable Freddie Nesbitt. That's a laugh. No, it was her father's money he was after. It was less than he thought, and now it's all spent, all he's got to show for it is a wife he's ashamed of. And he's lost his job. He wants Miss Isobel to put in a word with Sir William. What's the matter? MARY I never washed that shirt! Oh, she's gonna kill me. Do you think I could do it now? ELSIE Do you want me to go with you? MARY No. I'll be all right. Scene 44. Servants' Hall MRS CROFT What are you doing down here? MARY I'm supposed to wash Lady Trentham's shirt for tomorrow. MRS CROFT There's a sink in the ironing room. Scene 45. Ironing Room MARY Is someone in there? BERTHA What are you doing here? MARY I just had to rinse this shirt out. BERTHA Should've knocked, shouldn't you? Scene 46. Outside Mrs. Wilson Bedroom MRS WILSON Miss Trentham? MARY Um, I was just washing a shirt of Her Ladyship's. MRS WILSON I hope you found everything you required. Does she have to have marmalade? Only Dorothy made too little of it last January and we've run out of the homemade. I don't suppose she'd care for strawberry jam instead? No, I thought not. SIR WILLIAM Oh, I was rather hoping for a word with Mrs. Wilson. Mrs. Wilson, will you tell Jennings that we'll have to soup after the fourth drive tomorrow. And- And tell Mrs. Croft to make it sure it's hot. It's been cold the last few weeks. And more pepper in it. Scene 47. Lady Sylvia Bedroom SYLVIA Is that you? HENRY Were you expecting someone else? Scene 48. Façade MAN Seven hundred day today? LOADER Well, lads, don't coach your guns, even if they can't hit a barn door. Don't tell them where they're missing unless they ask. SIR WILLIAM Lovely day. Jennings. JENNINGS I hope it holds for you, sir. Enjoy the shoot. WEISSMAN (to Lord Stockbridge) Can a pheasant ever be dangerous? LORD STOCKBRIDGE Dangerous? WEISSMAN Do I have to worry about it attacking? LOADER (to Sir William) Good morning, sir. SIR WILLIAM Right. Draw your pegs. WEISSMAN (to Lord Stockbridge) I'm gonna be cheering him on. SIR WILLIAM (to his Loader) Draw your pegs. Here we are. NOVELLO Morning, Jennings. JENNINGS Are you shooting today, sir? NOVELLO I never shoot. JENNINGS Oh. Scene 29. Chinese Room LADY TRENTHAM You see, I'm- I'm starving. Where have you been? MARY Sorry. LADY TRENTHAM Oh, they always send up a good breakfast here. I'll say that for Sylvia. She's not at all mean in that way. Oh, dear. Bought marmalade. Dear me, I call that very feeble. Well, I suppose one can't have everything. Mary, I don't think I'll wear that shirt after all. The other one's warmer. That's all I care about. Ooh, yummy. Yummy, yummy, yummy. Scene 30. Servants' Dining Room BARNES What do you mean, you're going shooting? HENRY Mr. Weissman wants me to accompany him. Nothing wrong in that. ARTHUR But what for? You're not loading. He hasn't got a gun. HENRY He might need something. GEORGE What could he need? PROBERT Yeah, we know the very idea of service is offensive to you, George. But there's no need to take it out on the rest of us. (to Henry) Please forgive our ill manners, Mr. Weissman. BARNES I think he's got something to hide, that one. PROBERT We all have something to hide, Mr. Meredith. Scene 51. Isobel Bedroom ELSIE Would you like to get changed now, Miss? ISOBEL He won't do it. ELSIE Who won't do what? ISOBEL My father. He won't give Freddie a job. I spoke to him last night and he said he'd think about it. But this morning, he says it isn't up to him, when, of course, it is. ELSIE Why not? ISOBEL I don't know. Something to do with why Freddie was sacked. But I can't get a straight answer out of either of them. ELSIE Well, you've done your best. Mr. Nesbitt can't ask for more than that now, can he? ISOBEL But he can, much more! He says he's going to tell him. ELSIE Do you think he will? ISOBEL I don't know. He says Daddy will give him a job to keep him quiet. Will you say something? ELSIE To Mr. Nesbitt? ISOBEL To Daddy. ELSIE Really, Miss, why do you think I can make a difference? ISOBEL Will you? ELSIE I think you should wear your warm underwear today. Scene 52. The Hunt WEISSMAN Oh, God! It's on its way. SIR WILLIAM Damn! Bloody gun's no good. I told you not to bring this one. Blast. I think I pricked that one. I- I'm pretty sure I pricked it. Oh, damn! LOADER Are you all right, sir? SIR WILLIAM No, I'm not! God, where the bloody hell did that come from? LOADER It's nicked you, sir. SIR WILLIAM It's nicked me. What cretin did that? LOADER I don't know, sir. SIR WILLIAM Find Strutt. Ask him if he knows who's responsible. And if he knows, tell him to send the gun back to the bloody house. Scene 53. Chinese Room LAVINIA (to Sylvia) Everybody knows the desperate situation we're in, but nobody seems to care. LADY TRENTHAM (to Mary) Oh, there you are. Did you find one? LAVINIA (to Sylvia) Well? SYLVIA Don't look at me. If I so much as open my mouth on the subject, it'll make things worse. LOUISA I've already tried. ISOBEL Jennings says the car's ready. LADY TRENTHAM Oh, goody. I'm starving. I do love- SYLVIA (to Isobel) What are you wearing? ISOBEL Why? Don't you like it? You bought it. SYLVIA Did I? Oh, how extraordinary of me. Come on. Better get going. Where's that wretched Mabel? LADY TRENTHAM Has anyone checked her outfit? She's probably in black velvet with a feather in her hair. LAVINIA She's in the morning room looking perfectly normal. Don't be such a snob, Aunt Constance. LADY TRENTHAM Me? I haven't a snobbish bone in my body. Scene 54. Parks Bedroom MRS WILSON Oh, Mr. Meredith. Is Mr. Stockbridge in? BARNES Search me. MRS WILSON Oh, Mr. Stockbridge. I'm sorry to disturb you. I was just making my routine inspection. So, uh, how are you settling in with Lord Stockbridge? ROBERT I'm sorry? MRS WILSON How are you settling in with Lord Stockbridge? I know that you haven['t been with him for long. ROBERT Not long, no. MRS WILSON I'm afraid smoking isn't allowed up here. Well, I hope you're finding everything to make His Lordship's stay more comfortable. I hope we haven't forgotten anything. ROBERT I can't believe you forget much, Mrs. Wilson. MRS WILSON No, Not much. Well, I'll leave you to your book. Scene 55. The Shelter SIR WILLIAM You know- Bang! Whoof. LORD STOCKBRIDGE You should be more selective about the people you invite. WEISSMAN (to the ladies0 It's very muddy, so watch where you step. SYLVIA Terrible muddy here. Do watch. Do you see what I'm saying? I've been noticing it. Doesn't this look lovely? They really have done well. Now, do go in and have a drink. SIR WILLIAM I can tell you, Raymond, it's a bloody awful thing to have happened. Oh, God, Louisa. LADY TRENTHAM Oh! Oh, I say. SIR WILLIAM Two inches to my right I'd have been dead. I've just been shot. LOUISA What? SIR WILLIAM Yes, that's right. LADY TRENTHAM What happened to your ear? SIR WILLIAM Some idiot shot me. LORD STOCKBRIDGE (to Sylvia) I was a terrible shot. LAVINIA (to Meredith) Do you have fun? MEREDITH I don't think you realize how serious this is. LAVINIA Of course I do. MEREDITH Why can't you get your sisters to help? LAVINIA Darling, do you think I haven't tried? You know what they're like. MEREDITH Well, I know they couldn't care less if we go under. Why should they care, as long as their dressmakers are busy and their dinners are on time? Scene 56. Female Servants' Bathroom DOROTHY Wait a minute. There's a queue here. ELSIE Shh. Shh. MARY Ohh! Shut the door, for heaven's sake. ELSIE Don't worry. It's only Lewis and Dorothy. If any of the men get found up here, they get sacked on the spot. Worse luck. So don't tell me you're a convent girl. Or is that Presbyterian modesty? Is the water hot? MARY Not really. ELSIE No, it won't be till the guns get back. I'd better get in yours. MARY Her Ladyship says that Sir William loves his shooting. ELSIE Yes, he does. Can't hit a barn door, but he does love it. It's quite sweet, really. MARY Elsie. ELSIE Yeah? MARY Last night- ELSIE What? MARY No, I shouldn't say. ELSIE Yes, you should. What? MARY Well, when I went down to wash that shirt, I think I saw him in the ironing room. He was with one of the kitchen maids. ELSIE No, that wouldn't have been him. MARY I think it was. He came down the passage a minute later and I don't see how- ELSIE No, it wasn't him. Scene 57. The Shelter MEREDITH You weren't serious last night, were you? SIR WILLIAM I'm afraid I was, old boy. I was going to tell you next week, but since you mentioned it- MEREDITH I don't think you've grasped quite what it'll do to the whole project, and in particular what it'll do to me. SIR WILLIAM It can't be as black as all that, can it? MEREDITH Yes, it bloody well is. SIR WILLIAM Well, I'm sorry to hear that, but business is business. I'm not a charity commissioner, you know. MEREDITH William, I'm begging you. SIR WILLIAM Damn it! LADY TRENTHAM Oh, dear. JENNINGS I'll clear that up. MEREDITH I'm sorry. JENNINGS Arthur, go and get a bucket. MEREDITH Do you have a cloth? JENNINGS Under the table. We'll have that cleaned for you at the house. NOVELLO (on recording) I do like gathering nuts in May- SIR WILLIAM Terrified the life out of me. SYLVIA (to Novello) I borrowed it from Lewis. SIR WILLIAM Shot, frightened to death. I think it's left me deaf. Scene 58. Female Servants' Bathroom MARY You know how you said Sir William could've had his pick between Lady Sylvia and Lady Stockbridge? ELSIE Aye. MARY Well, I asked Her Ladyship about it. And she said they cut cards for him. ELSIE No! MARY I know. I can't believe it either. Do you suppose it was a joke? ELSIE Well, I wouldn't be too sure. You know what I heard? Oh, just listen to me. MARY What? ELSIE Why do we spend our lives living through them? I mean, look at poor old Lewis. If her own mother had a heart attack, she'd think it was less important than one of Lady Sylvia's farts. Scene 59. Chinese Room LADY TRENTHAM You must know, you can't fool me. If there's one thing I don't look for in a maid, it's discretion. Except with my own secrets, of course. MARY Well, I don't know much, milady, but apparently he was counting on Sir William for an investment and had guaranteed his interest, whatever that means. Anyway, Mr. Barnes -the Commander's valet, he said he wanted to leave at once, but lady Lavinia's persuaded him to stay until tomorrow to make less of a thing of it. SYLVIA (to Lady Trentham) Oh, thanks heavens. Lewis told me you were wearing white. LADY TRENTHAM White? She must be mad. I never wear white. SYLVIA I thought it was a little odd. By the way, for God's sake, don't rub him up tonight. LADY TRENTHAM I don't know what you mean. SYLVIA You know exactly what I mean. He's in a filthy mood with everyone. He's talking about stopping your allowance. LADY TRENTHAM But it's for life. That was settled. He can't do that. SYLVIA Just you watch him. He's absolutely spoiling for a fight. So if you'll take my advice, you won't give him one. LADY TRENTHAM (to Mary) Now, that you can be discreet about. Scene 60. Dining Room JEREMY Thank you. LAVINIA Goodness, isn't it pretty here? The house has such lovely position. LORD STOCKBRIDGE The best view's from the old water tower. You might well walk up there tomorrow. (to Meredith) Do you really have to go back to London? MEREDITH I'm afraid so, Raymond. When you've ruined, there's so much to do. SIR WILLIAM Yes, there is, isn't there? Moan, moan, moan. LADY TRENTHAM Would anyone care for a game of bridge after dinner? FREDDIE Oh, yes, I wouldn't mind. LADY TRENTHAM Who else? Louisa, how about you? LOUISA Oh, I don't think so. I've rather gone off cards. I've never been very lucky with them. SIR WILLIAM Me, too. SYLVIA Mr. Weissman, tell us about the film you're going to make. WEISSMAN Oh, sure. It's called Charlie Chan in London. It's a detective story. MABEL Set in London? WEISSMAN Well, not really. Um, most of it takes place at a shooting party in a country house, sort of this one, actually. A murder in the middle of night. A lot of guests for the weekend. Everyone's a suspect. You know, that sort of thing. LADY TRENTHAM How horrid. And who turns out to have done it? WEISSMAN Oh, I couldn't tell you that. It would spoil it for you. LADY TRENTHAM Oh, but none of us will see it. RUPERT Are you thinking of making it here, Mr. Weissman? WEISSMAN Uh, no. We're going to shoot it in Hollywood, on the back lot. But since I was in England, I thought I would do a little research on country living and, uh, Ivor was kind enough to arrange it for me. NOVELLO Mmm, no. William arranged it for you. WEISSMAN (to Sir William) Are you interested in films, sir? SYLVIA Not likely. SIR WILLIAM Why shouldn't I be interested in films? You don't know what I'm interested in. SYLVIA Well, I know you're interested in money and fiddling with your guns, but I admit it when it comes to anything else, I'm stumped. ELSIE I say, that is not fair. Bill is- Scene 61. Corridor at Female Servants' Rooms MARY Elsie. Elsie, what's- Scene 62. Drawing Room SYLVIA It's not as if I didn't know. LADY TRENTHAM So we can all play bridge. All playing? SYLVIA Who's going to play bridge? Are they going to play? LADY TRENTHAM Where's Rupert? Rupert! RUPERT Coming. Scene 63. Dining Room PROBERT I heard Lady Sylvia spoke out of turn. DOROTHY You didn't actually see? SARAH So what's going to happen to Elsie? LEWIS She'll be lucky if they don't boot her out before the morning. GEORGE You should've seen it. SARAH She has been here a long time. BARNES Shall I tell you what that means to them? Bugger all. PROBERT Please, Mr. Meredith. There are ladies present. BARNES Where, exactly, is Sir William now? GEORGE He's still in the library. He won't be out again tonight. LEWIS Oh, Dorothy. JENNINGS Mr. Meredith. May I ask what is going on? PROBERT Uh, we were just- JENNINGS George, will you please join me in the drawing room as soon as possible. Mr. Probert, kindly take everybody downstairs. PROBERT Certainly. Ladies- JENNINGS Dorothy, I'm especially surprised at you. PROBERT Come along, ladies. Come along. MARY (to Robert) Is it true then? Has Elsie really been sacked? Scene 64. Drawing Room FREDDIE Lady Trentham. JEREMY Well, luck of the draw. MABEL Freddie, I'd like to- FREDDIE Darling, we've just cut- SYLVIA Ivor, darling. LADY TRENTHAM (to Jeremy) Oh, thank you so much. SYLVIA (to Novello) Would it be awful of me to ask you to play something to cheer us all up a bit? NOVELLO Of course not. SYLVIA Thank you. (to Meredith) So sweet. WEISSMAN (to Novello) I've booked the first passage home. I'll be living on the phone till I set sail. I have to be in London tomorrow. So if you prefer to stay, I can take a train. NOVELLO I'll give you a lift in my car. WEISSMAN Oh. Thank you. You're providing a lot of entertainment for nothing. NOVELLO Morris, I'm used to it. Excuse me. FREDDIE Music moves on. SYLVIA (to Meredith) Funny old evening, hmm? NOVELLO (singing) Somewhere there's another land- MABEL Oh! FREDDIE You're not going to stand over my shoulder and watch me, please. You'll put me off. LADY TRENTHAM He's rather a big success, isn't he? FREDDIE Huge. It's absolutely ridiculous. LADY TRENTHAM Do you think he'll be as long as he usually is? FREDDIE I think he's rather wonderful. LADY TRENTHAM Well, I have only seen one. SYLVIA (to Lavinia) I thought we weren't drinking anymore. Scene 65. Outside Drawing Room PROBERT I don't think we should be doing this. LEWIS Oh, come on. Scene 66. Billiards Room ROBERT I don't know. It's just- I mean, how could she let him touch her? MARY You sound as if you don't like him. ROBERT You'd be surprised. MARY All right, surprise me. ROBERT Maybe I will. RENEE I saw him in The Lodger. But I've never heard him sing in person. Scene 67. Drawing Room FREDDIE Will you, um, excuse me for a minute? (to Lady Trentham) You don't need my help. LADY TRENTHAM No, we're fine. Scene 68. Outside the Drawing Room PROBERT Oh, my Lord. Scene 69. Drawing Room LADY TRENTHAM It seems to be much more than just background music. Somehow or other. SYLVIA Ivor, darling, it was lovely. Thank you. NOVELLO (singing) I seem to be the victim of a cruel jest. It dogs my footsteps with the girl I love the best.- LAVINIA Anthony. Scene 70. Outside the Drawing Room FEMALE SERVANT#1 Shh. It's the commander. MEREDITH Oh. ARTHUR Good evening, sir. MEREDITH Excuse me. FEMALE SERVANT#2 Sir. MEREDITH Uh, carry on. Scene 71. Library SIR WILLIAM What do you want? MRS WILSON I brought you some coffee. SIR WILLIAM If I wanted coffee, I'd have rung for it. Leave that. Give me some whiskey. Scene 72. Elsie Bedroom's Door HENRY I thought you might need a drink and some company. ELSIE Well, that's really very kind of you. Give me just a sec. Scene 73. Drawing Room LADY TRENTHAM Awfully long repertoire. NOVELLO (singing) I can give you the starlight, love unchanging and true. I can give you the ocean- GEORGE We've run of milk, Mr. Jennings. Won't be a moment. (outside- to Arthur) Desperate for a fag. Scene 74. Bottom of the Main Stairs SARAH Where's Mr. Weissman's man? He's missing the music. BARNES Shh. Scene 75. Servants' Hall MRS WILSON What are you doing? Dorothy, get back to work. MRS CROFT Excuse me, but Dorothy's under my jurisdiction as well, you know. And I say she can listen to a spot of music if she likes. Scene 76. Main Hall WEISSMAN Excuse me. Where's the telephone? SERVANT Oh, I'm sorry, sir. Uh, it's just over there, sir. Scene 77. Drawing Room LADY TRENTHAM Don't. Don't. Don't. Please don't encourage him. He'll just go on and on. NOVELLO (singing) In B.C. 33; ah, me! That's a dash long time ago. There lived a Roman hero who had shaken hands with Nero. And the history you shall know- Scene 78. Elsie Bedroom's Door ELSIE Oh, you're still here. HENRY I thought that- ELSIE Yeah, well, appearances can be deceptive, can't they? HENRY Elsie. ELSIE Good night. Scene 79. Drawing Room LOUISA So he gave you that for your birthday, did he? SYLVIA Hmm? LOUISA He gave you that for your birthday, William did? Scene 80. Main Hall WEISSMAN Yeah, I've got a call booked for California. California. Scene 81. Drawing Room LADY TRENTHAM The music- It's never going to stop. Oh, Freddie, we gave up on you. We waited as long as we could. LOUISA (to Sylvia) Do you think William's still in the library? MABEL (to Freddie) Where have you been? FREDDIE Hmm? SYLVIA (to Louisa) I suppose. MABEL (to Freddie) Where have you been? FREDDIE That's none of your bloody business. SYLVIA (to Louisa) What are we going to do? LADY TRENTHAM Who played the nine? LOUISA (to Sylvia) Oh, I could try and fetch him. SYLVIA Oh, would you? He's always preferred you to me. LOUISA Yes, I'd be delighted. RUPERT Today is not my day. JENNINGS (to George) Is that's what you call a moment, I'd like to see what happens when you take a real break. Scene 82. Billiards Room ROBERT Here. Did yours as well. Before the rush starts. MARY Thank you. Scene 83. Drawing Room LAVINIA Where have you been? MEREDITH It's fine. It's fine. Scene 84. Library LOUISA William? Oh, God. Bill. Come here, you horrid little dirty thing. Bill. [screaming]. Scene 85. To Library SYLVIA Louisa! RUPERT Isobel? Isobel? JENNINGS George. Excuse me, sir. LORD STOCKBRIDGE Jennings. MEREDITH Darling? Darling? (to Sarah) Could you ask Jennings about the salts? Could somebody get a glass of water, please? LORD STOCKBRIDGE (to Jennings) Keep everybody out of this room. JENNINGS Yes, sir, certainly. LORD STOCKBRIDGE Over here, Louisa. LOUISA Bill. LORD STOCKBRIDGE Louisa, just sit and be quite. LOUISA But- ISOBEL (to Sylvia) Mummy? Mummy? LORD STOCKBRIDGE (To Meredith) Is she all right? MEREDITH Everything's fine. LADY TRENTHAM Sylvia. WEISSMAN Well, tell Mr. Warner- LORD STOCKBRIDGE Excuse me. I need that telephone. WEISSMAN Excuse me. I'm on the telephone. I'm on a call to California. LORD STOCKBRIDGE Hello? Yes, would you connect me with the police station? Scene 86. Main Hall to Red Drawing Room WEISSMAN I'm looking for a kind of realistic Charlie Chan movie. This isn't out of the question. I mean, we should try to do this. It has to be better. We can't do the same old shit over and over again. Alan Mowbray, I like that. I mean, that's a butler. These people here look like Alan Mowbray. I mean, they're sort of tall, and they don't- they don't say too much. And they have fucking British accents, right? They talk like they're from England. JENNINGS (to Inspector) Good evening. We've been expecting you. WEISSMAN Is Ray Milland British? INSPECTOR (to Jennings) Yes, good evening. This is Constable Dexter- SYLVIA You must be the police. INSPECTOR Yes. How do you do, ma'am? I'm Inspector Thom- SYLVIA I'm Lady Sylvia McCordle. Uh, we haven't moved him. I've gathered anyone and wait for you. Would you mind coming straight through? INSPECTOR Certainly, ma'am, yes. SYLVIA Oh, don't worry about him. He's just an American staying with us. Now, I'll tell you who we all are and then we can all go to bed and leave you with poor William. Does that sound like a very good plan? INSPECTOR Yes, indeed. Shall I introduce myself? I'm Inspector Thom- SYLVIA This is my aunt, Lady Trentham. INSPECTOR Ah, yes, the Countess of Trentham. Yes, I served with your husband on a- SYLVIA My brother-in-law Lord Stockbridge. Lady Stockbridge. Jennings, please, would you remove that vile animal? JENNINGS Certainly, milady. SYLVIA Uh, Mrs. Nesbitt. Uh- Mr. Nesbitt. Ivor Novello, who I'm sure needs no introduction. INSPECTOR Of course. Mr. Novello, a- SYLVIA No, wait, wait. Would you like to speak to the servants tonight, Inspector? INSPECTOR Inspector Thom- SYLVIA (to Jennings) He ought to speak to Probert, my husband's valet. Would you tell him to come up? (to Inspector) Now, where was I? Um, Isobel McCordle, my daughter. WEISSMAN Charlie Chan is in London. He's not in California. Well, they're talking to me about rewrites about the part of the Cockney maid, and she's running in and saying all these things. Look, I'm here. They don't talk. The butlers and the maids. They stand. They watch. I mean, you know, they serve. They do things. What about Claudette Colbert? She's British, isn't she? She sounds British. Is she, like, affected, or is she British? Scene 87. Servants' Dining Room JENNINGS Oh, Dorothy. Would you take- Um, well, I- MRS CROFT Go on, spit it out. JENNINGS The police would like to see you for a moment. MRS CROFT Me? JENNINGS No, Mrs. Croft. Mr. Probert. PROBERT Me? Why? Oh, well, I- I- I don't know what I can tell them. JENNINGS George, would you go and see if anything more is required in the red drawing room? GEORGE Yes, sir. JENNINGS I don't see the point in the rest of you waiting up. ELSIE What about me, Mr. Jennings? JENNINGS You can go as soon as the police release you. I don't see that'll be sometime tomorrow. MRS WILSON (to Elsie) Until then, you can stay in your room. ELSIE I'm not contagious, you know. JENNINGS Nobody's going anywhere. Those of you with remaining duties, see to them as quickly as you can. Otherwise, good night everyone. HENRY Mr. Jennings. JENNINGS Yes, Mr. Weissman. HENRY I have a confession to make. Scene 88. Main Hall WEISSMAN Right, but I think it's clear it's the valet who did it. No, because the valet has access to everybody. No, the valet isn't the butler. No, there's one butler and there's lots of valets running all over the place. He takes care of people. He's in their rooms at night. I mean, he could do it. I mean, the valet easily could have done it. Scene 89. Library INSPECTOR Pull yourself together, Mr. Probert. Try and be a bit patient. They'll be along in a minute. PROBERT Couldn't I just make him a little comfortable, sir? Please? NOVELLO Have a heart, Inspector. DEXTER Ah, no, it wouldn't be wise, sir. We shouldn't have to wait too much longer now. INSPECTOR Oh, I don't think it'd do any harm. Go on. PROBERT Ohh! INSPECTOR Well, you see, this is why we have rules and regulations, isn't it? What is it, Dexter? DEXTER Well, only that there doesn't seem to be much blood, sir. Scene 90. Tapestry Room ROBERT Is that everything, milord? LORD STOCKBRIDGE Yes, thank you, Parks. I think perhaps you should try and get some sleep. LOUISA It's so unfair! Nobody liked him. It's terrible. LORD STOCKBRIDGE Oh, do stop sniveling. Anyone would think you were Italian. Christ. Scene 91. Lady Sylvia Bedroom LEWIS Will you not let me help you with your frock, milady? SYLVIA No, I can manage. LEWIS Then I'll say goodnight, milady. SYLVIA Oh, wait, wait, wait. LEWIS Thank you milady. SYLVIA What is it? (to Henry) Please tell me you haven't come with condolences. HENRY No. I was just wondering if you wanted some com- SYLVIA What? HENRY I said, I was just wondering if you wanted some company. SYLVIA Well, I suppose life must go on. Unhook me. No, there's another one. You'll never get it off like that. Scene 92. Elsie Bedroom MARY I'm really sorry about everything. ELSIE Don't feel sorry for me. Pity that poor Dorothy. She's got all the morning teas to do and the breakfast trays. And she's got to get Miss Isobel down to the dining room and see if she can find anything in black. She's the one who needs your sympathy. I'm well out of it. MARY I would think Miss Isobel might stay in bed tomorrow. ELSIE Unmarried girl don't have breakfast trays. Not in this house. MARY I wish I could help. ELSIE You can't. Scene 93. Kitchen BERTHA George says Mr. Novello was in on it. And Sir William. The point is, that Henry Denton, he's an actor. KITCHEN MAID An actor? BERTHA He's playing a butler in the next Charlie Chan. Just wanted to make it authentic. MRS CROFT I'd say the joke was on Lady Sylvia. KITCHEN MAID Well, I hope he don't model his performance on Mr. Jennings or he'll be too squiffy to remember his lines. INSPECTOR Ah, Mrs. Croft, isn't it? I wonder if I could- Ah, yes, have a few words with you, Mrs. Croft. I'm Inspector Thom- MRS CROFT Oh, I haven't got time for this now. I'm doing the breakfast. INSPECTOR Well, it wouldn't take much time. I mean, perhaps you have a room somewhere where we could speak undisturbed. MRS CROFT Oh. I suppose you'd better come to my room. Bertha, I'm leaving you in charge. Dorothy, make sure those menus go up on Her Ladyship's tray. And get that filthy dog out of here. Scene 94. Chinese Room LADY TRENTHAM Honestly, these days the countryside's getting more dangerous than Piccadilly. MARY But why one of the knives from the silver pantry? It doesn't make sense. LADY TRENTHAM He must have forgotten to bring one. When you think of what they have to carry about- All those jemmies and torches and skeleton keys. It's a miracle anyone ever gets burgled at all. Oh, it's glacial in here. Get my fur, will you? Oh. Anyway, it wasn't in the silver pantry. It's been missing since yesterday. Obviously William had it. And when the fellow surprised him, there it was, on the table as handy as you like. By the way, are any of the others getting up for breakfast? The women, I mean. MARY I think Lady Lavinia may be. LADY TRENTHAM Well, that settles it. Come back at half past 8:00. I'll get dressed. It's the greatest bore, of course, but I don't want to miss anything. Scene 95. Isobel Bedroom ISOBEL When I came back last night, I found this on my dressing table. ELSIE What is it? 'This is your final warning. If I've not received an offer--' Freddie. What a stupid idiot. Well, at least he's off your back now. There's no one to tell. At least no one's who's gonna give him a job to shut him up. Scene 96. Mrs. Croft Bedroom INSPECTOR Oh, now, he's quite the bonny lad, isn't he? What's he up to these days, this one, eh? MRS CROFT He's dead. I don't know what I can tell you. Shouldn't you be looking for signs of a break-in? INSPECTOR Well, Mrs. Croft, I understand no one has served Sir William longer than you have, is that true? Scene 97. Isobel Bedroom ELSIE I'd better be off. I might not see you again. I'm only staying till the police give the nod. ISOBEL But, Elsie, you're not in any difficulty, are you? ELSIE What, apart from having no home and no job? Nah, there's no worries there. ISOBEL Yes, I was forgetting. You were much cleverer than I was. ELSIE You'll be fine. Scene 98. Ironing Room MARY I wonder what Lady Sylvia will do now. RENEE If I were her, I'd set up in London as a glamorous widow will all the gentlemen chasin' me for my money. ROBERT I wouldn't. I grew up in London. MARY Is that where the orphanage was? ROBERT On the edge. Isleworth. MARY And you don't get homesick? ROBERT I don't think you get homesick if you've never had a home. You heard about Mr. Weissman's valet? RENEE What about him? ROBERT Turns out he's a fraud. He isn't Scottish at all. RENEE No! MARY I could've told you that. Who is he, then? RENEE Do you think he's the murderer? ROBERT It's worse than that. He's an actor. Scene 98. Main Hall WEISSMAN Yes, I want you to wake him up. How else do you suggest I talk to him? Yes. Right. Well, what'd he say? What? He's talking about Clara Bow again? Listen, you tell Sheehan that I think Clara Bow is a really nice person and she's not coming within' ten miles of my picture. I don't want her in the fucking movie. Scene 99. Gallery MEREDITH There is one thing. The bastard's death may have saved my bacon. LAVINIA For God's sake, be quiet. What's the matter with you? Scene 100. Breakfast JENNINGS Arthur. LADY TRENTHAM (to Arthur) Oh, are these tomatoes? ARTHUR Yes, milady. LADY TRENTHAM That's exactly what I want. LAVINIA Good morning. LADY TRENTHAM Good morning, dear. Have you heard? It's too tiresome. That frightful inspector won't let anyone leave. So we're to be treated to another day of Mr. Weissman shouting down the telephone. NOVELLO Well, he has some problems with his work in Los Angeles, I'm afraid. LADY TRENTHAM Well, I must say, he conducts his affairs very oddly. Coming downstairs just now, I thought I'd been transported to a bar in Marseilles. WEISSMAN Jennings? Excuse me. I'm sorry. I'm expecting a really important phone call. So, will you get me the second it comes through? JENNINGS Very good, sir. WEISSMAN Thanks. And I'd like, uh, oh, tomato and eggs. Thank you. JENNINGS Of course, sir, but perhaps you would prefer to choose for yourself, sir? WEISSMAN What do you mean, like cafeteria style? LORD STOCKBRIDGE The Englishman is never waited on at breakfast. WEISSMAN Really? Well, that's interesting. Because an American is. Wow. I'm going to make a note of that. HENRY Good morning. NOVELLO Good morning. HENRY I'd like some coffee, Jennings. JENNINGS There it is. WEISSMAN (to Henry) You haven't made a lot of friends. INSPECTOR Ah. Good. Good morning, ladies, gents. Um, I wonder- Excuse me. Uh, will Lady Sylvia be coming down soon? LADY TRENTHAM I shouldn't think so. She has breakfast in her room. Then she usually goes for a ride. INSPECTOR Yes, but she won't be doing that this morning, will she? Ah, well, I see. Well, uh, in that case, I wonder, Lady Trentham, if you would be kind enough to join us for some questions. LADY TRENTHAM If you wish, Inspector. I'm afraid I won't be much help, but I suppose on a day like this we all have to pull our weight. Scene 101. Backyard ELLEN You know that Mr. Denton made a right chump out of Mr. Jennings. BERTHA Never mind that. Did you hear about Sir William? Apparently he wasn't stabbed after all. Well, I mean, he was, but that's not why he died. He was poisoned. That's what killed him. The inspector told Mrs. Croft. They don't know why the killer stabbed him as well, but he must've been dead already. That's why there was no blood. Dead bodies don't bleed, you know. Trust Sir William to be murdered twice. Scene 102. Silver Pantry JENNINGS Of course he wasn't murdered. Not that sort of murder. Some ruffian broke in, thinking the library was empty. Sir William surprised him and paid the price for it. But very tragic it is, too. GEORGE I can't see that, Mr. Jennings. I don't think ruffians go about poisoning people and then stabbing the corpses. Apart from anything else, they're usually in a hurry to get away, aren't they? JENNINGS What are you suggesting? GEORGE I'm not suggesting anything. It's just- JENNINGS Just what? GEORGE Well, it looks to me like Sir William was killed deliberately, that's all. No wonder, they're not letting any of us go. Tough luck on whoever's got any secrets to hide. Scene 103. Kitchen MRS CROFT Now they've cancelled the shooting, muggings here has got to pull a dining-room luncheon for God knows how many out of the hat. Is Her Ladyship back yet? BERTHA No. MRS CROFT Then she'll have to take what she gets. ETHEL Why would anyone want to kill Sir William? MRS CROFT Well, he wasn't exactly Father Christmas. Get on with your work. (to Robert) And take that filthy dog out of here. (resuming her story)He made a few enemies in his time, that's all. KITCHEN MAID What do you mean enemies? When? BERTHA Is this before the war, Mrs. Croft, when you were a factory worker? MRS CROFT Excuse me, I was not a factory worker. I was never a factory worker. I was a cook in one of his factories. He had two in Isleworth and two in Twickenham, and all full of girls. So you can imagine. ELLEN Wasn't that risky with factory girls? Suppose they complained? MRS CROFT Who to, exactly? BERTHA But what if they got, you know, in trouble? KITCHEN MAID What sort of trouble? MRS CROFT Here, take these. Whites only, all right? Didn't happen very often. When it did, he arranged to have it adopted. BERTHA But what if you didn't want it adopted? Say you wanted to keep it. MRS CROFT Then you got kicked out, lost your job. You can take my word for it. He was a hard-hearted, randy old sod. Scene 104. Library INSPECTOR Ah, come in, Miss Maceach- I'm Inspector Thom- LADY TRENTHAM This is all too tiresome and absurd. He's making the most dreadful fuss. INSPECTOR IF you don't mind, I would like to ask the young lady some questions. LADY TRENTHAM Well, I'm not leaving if that's what you think. INSPECTOR (to Mary) Well, does it bother you if Lady Trentham stays? MARY Why should it? DEXTER Sir, someone's traipsed a lot of mud in down here. INSPECTOR Not now, Dexter, please. I understood there was some difficulty between the late Sir William McCordle and your employer. LADY TRENTHAM This is too vulgar to be believed. MARY I wasn't aware of that, sir. They got on well as far as I could see. INSPECTOR You were not conscious- DEXTER Inspector, there's a broken coffee cup down here. INSPECTOR Dexter, they have people to clear these things up. You get on with your own job. All right? (to Mary) So you were not aware of any trouble over the matter of an allowance? An allowance, I might add, that Sir William's death has now made secure. MARY What sort of an allowance would that be, sir? Scene 105. Sewing Room JENNINGS Ah, there you are. How you got enough light? Black on black? We don't want you going blind on top of everything else. DOROTHY They've got to be done, Mr. Jennings; but the outside staff need them for the funeral, you know. JENNINGS I'm sorry that this business with Elsie has landed you with so much work. Well, that's what comes of being so reliable. DOROTHY Oh, never mind me. JENNINGS Hmm. DOROTHY Mr. Jennings, have you- Have you- Have you spoken to the police again? JENNINGS Not yet. No. DOROTHY I- I suppose they have to ask their questions, don't they have to? JENNINGS Oh, well, yes. DOROTHY Will they be talking to all of us? JENNINGS I shouldn't think so. No. Well, I'll leave you to it, then. DOROTHY Mr. Jennings. You know- You know I'd say anything you want me to. JENNINGS What? DOROTHY Anything at all. I don't care what I tell them, if it'll help you. Y- Y- You know that, don't you? You've only to ask. Scene 106. Library INSPECTOR So let me, uh- Let me pour you a cup of tea, eh? SYLVIA Yes, thank you. Would you mind putting the milk in afterwards? INSPECTOR Of course. Of course. Don't know what came over me. I usually put the milk in after, but on that occasion- DEXTER Sir. INSPECTOR Not now, thank you. So sorry. Um, now, Mrs. Inspector Thompson prefers the milk in first, so I get used to pouring it for her. You know, I don't know why. Some nonsense about bacteria. You know what women are like- well, what wives are like. No, she's a funny old- Sugar? SYLVIA No, thank you. Scene 107. Servants' Hall ROBERT Of course, they'll give her a good reference. Otherwise they'd have to explain why they're giving her a bad one. MARY Mr. Parks. ROBERT Robert. MARY Robert, then. It's just- Last night when you said you'd surprise me, you didn't mean anything by it, did you? ROBERT Why? Don't you like surprises? JENNINGS Where shall we begin? Yes, now- Oh, Mr. Stockbridge. And by now I assume you are all aware that, uh, Mr. Denton has been playing a trick on us by posing as a valet. Since, uh, Sir William was aware of the plan, it is not for me or anyone else to criticize it. However, it does leave us with some adjustments to make for this evening. Um, Arthur, you will take over dressing Mr. Weissman. That leaves us the problem of Mr. Novello, and I really don't want to ask you, Mr. Probert. ARTHUR I don't mind, Mr. Jennings. JENNINGS Oh, no, no. You've got enough on your plate. ROBERT I'll do him if you like. JENNINGS Oh, that's very generous of you, Mr. Stockbridge. I suppose I could always do it myself, of course. ROBERT No, no. It's no trouble. It's only for a night or two. JENNINGS Good. Splendid. That's settled, then. And I think we can leave Mr. Denton to dress himself. Scene 108. Library. INSPECTOR 'The bastard's death may have saved my bacon.' What do you think he meant by that? Hmm? BARNES Isn't it obvious? INSPECTOR Is it? DEXTER Well, perhaps he meant that the investment that Sir William had agreed would probably have to be paid now, sir. INSPECTOR What about that low shot that nearly killed him that morning they were out? DEXTER Sir. INSPECTOR What is it? DEXTER We haven't dusted those things for fingerprints yet. INSPECTOR Good. Do you think that shot might have been intended for Sir William? BARNES Well, it nearly took his ear off. INSPECTOR Hmm. Mm-hmm. Well, thank you, Mr. Barnes. You've been most helpful. Perhaps you'd be good enough to ask Commander Meredith to join us just now. BARNES Ah. You- You won't tell him what I said, will you, Inspector Thomas? INSPECTOR Thompson. It's Inspector Thom- Never mind. Just go and fetch him up, please. DEXTER Sir. Scene 109. Servants' Hall RENEE We've only got this. SARAH I don't think mine's bothered. She hasn't got any black here. GEORGE (to Arthur) We've got some new ones. ARTHUR You're a lech. You know that? ELSIE George. GEORGE They're coming in a minute. The dressing bell's just gone. ELSIE I'm going out of my mind up there. I've read all my magazines twice. You couldn't pinch something out of the library for me? I don't care if it's Horse and Hound as long as I haven't read it. BARNES (to Henry) Well, we are all honoured. In case you've forgotten, this is the servants area, sir. Yours is at the top of the stairs behind that door there, sir. HENRY Barnes, it was just a- I wanted to explain. GEORGE No explanation necessary, Mr. Denton. If you'll excuse us, some of us have got real work to do. Come on, Arthur. ARTHUR The accent was a dead giveaway, you know. We all knew. HENRY Robert, I was just having fun. ROBERT Well, then perhaps you'd better enjoy your fun in the drawing room, sir. ELSIE They're afraid you'll repeat things, be indiscreet. HENRY But I'm very discreet. In Hollywood, that's what I'm known for: my discretion. Scene 110. Upstairs Gallery ISOBEL Tell Rupert if you like. He won't give you any money. FREDDIE No. You're completely misunderstanding me. ISOBEL And Mummy wouldn't pay five pounds to save me. FREDDIE Oh, my poor darling. Come here. Come on. Look, please. Don't- Don't think that I'm enjoying this. All I wanted was a job. ISOBEL My checkbook's downstairs. I'll give you a cheque after dinner. LORD STOCKBRIDGE (to Meredith) I'm trying to find my man Parks. Have you seen him? MEREDITH Uh, no. I've been with the police. LORD STOCKBRIDGE You look as if you've had rather a pasting. MEREDITH Well, they kept on and on about that low shot yesterday. And, uh, they wouldn't let it go. I told them it was nothing to do with me. LORD STOCKBRIDGE I'm sure you did. But another time, Anthony, try to be less greedy. Parks! MEREDITH What? LORD STOCKBRIDGE (to Robert) You attend to Mr. Novello first. I want a word with Her Ladyship. ROBERT Very well, milord. MEREDITH What? LORD STOCKBRIDGE I saw you. Of course it was an accident. When a man is as short as you, I know it must be very difficult to gauge the height of the birds. Scene 111. Servants' Hall JENNINGS Mr. Meredith. BARNES Hmm? JENNINGS You haven't seen Commander Meredith anywhere, have you? BARNES No. JENNINGS He never came downstairs and he's not in his room. BARNES Mr. Jennings, I've washed him and dressed him. If he can't find his way to the drawing room, it isn't my fault. Scene 112. Jam Pantry MAN If you've finished with that, go and see Mr. Croft. DOROTHY Oh, I- I'm so sorry, sir. I didn't mean to disturb you. MEREDITH No, no, no. Please. Well, I'm just trying some of your jam. I must be in your way. DOROTHY No, no. No, no. No bother. What one is that, sir? MEREDITH Um, it's raspberry. October 31. DOROTHY You might like to try the, um, strawberry one. MEREDITH Oh, is that strawberry? Let's see. Ah, yes. DOROTHY You're all right, sir? MEREDITH Just been with the inspector and I feel a little bruised. Mmm. Why is it, would you say, that some people seem to get whatever they want in life? Everything they touch turns to gold. Whereas others can strive and strive and have nothing. I wonder, do you believe in luck? Do you think some men are lucky and some men just aren't and nothing they can do about it? DOROTHY I believe in love. Not just getting it. Giving it. I think as long as you can love somebody, whether or not they love you, then it's worth it and- MEREDITH That's a good answer. Uh, I think I've got to go. Must have finished dinner by now. Thank you. Scene 113. Drawing Room LADY TRENTHAM I thought the wine was frightful tonight. Vile. HENRY Jennings, old boy, I'll have a bourbon. JENNINGS We don't have bourbon. We have ordinary Scotch or single malt. HENRY Ordinary for me. I'm just an American. LADY TRENTHAM Who cares? We know you here. RUPERT (to Isobel) Look, I understand that this is not an ideal time, but I would like to see you again. LADY TRENTHAM Mabel is so clever to travel light. Why should one wear a different frock every evening? We're not in a fashion parade. MABEL No, and I wouldn't want to be. Excuse me. LADY TRENTHAM Difficult colour, green. LORD STOCKBRIDGE What did she say? LADY TRENTHAM Mmm. Very tricky. RUPERT Isobel. ISOBEL Excuse me. LADY TRENTHAM It sort of draws you. I'll have another look at it. MABEL (to Novello) Oh, how this tune used to make me cry. JENNINGS (to Weissman) Certainly, sir. FREDDIE (to Isobel) I promise you I can pay back every penny. ISOBEL Just take it. LADY TRENTHAM You bid. HENRY (to Sylvia) I must say, your guests sleep in much more comfortable beds than your servants. MABEL (to Rupert) Excuse me. (to Freddie) What did Isobel give to you? What did Isobel give to you? FREDDIE Don't make a scene here. MABEL Tell me. LOUISA Ivor, dear. MABEL No more lies, Freddie. LOUISA (to Novello) Would it be possible to play something more cheerful? We're all quite emotional enough as it is. MABEL Give it to me. FREDDIE What? MEREDITH Excuse me. MABEL Freddie, stop all your lies. If you don't give it to me, I will scream this house down. You don't believe me, try me. LOUISA Anthony, there you are. Where have you been? MEREDITH I- LOUISA You know, you've missed dinner. We can organize a tray for you. MEREDITH I don't want anything. FREDDIE (to Mabel) Try buying yourself a new frock with that. LADY TRENTHAM We gave up, Louisa dear. LOUISA Oh. Right. MEREDITH (to Lavinia) I'm so sorry. HENRY Mmm, no coffee, George, but I'll have a- Aah! GEORGE I do apologize, sir. Can't imagine how that happened. HENRY You son of a bitch! You did that on purpose! GEORGE Shall I fetch you a towel, sir? JENNINGS Arthur! Clean this up, will you? Scene 114. Servants' Dining Room DEXTER They were fishin' parts of her body out the Thames from Richmond to Rotherhithe. BERTHA Some more tea, Constable? SARAH I'll take that. Thank you, Bertha. DEXTER No head. No hands. Unfortunately, the body had no distinguishing marks. BERTHA What's the point in that, Mr. Probert? Won't it all be chucked out? PROBERT I'll know I've left everything in good order. That's all I can do for him now. BERTHA Yeah, but he won't- ROBERT Hey, leave him alone. ARTHUR George has had his revenge on Mr. Denton: hot coffee in the lap. RENEE Oh! SARAH Poor Mr. Denton. MRS WILSON Constable, I'm glad I caught you. I assume the inspector won't keep everyone beyond tomorrow, but I thought I'd better check with you. DEXTER Well, we haven't spoke to all the servants yet, so- INSPECTOR Ah, there you are, Dexter. Come on, we're going home. MRS WILSON I was just asking the Constable how long our guests will be staying and Mrs. Croft has meals to arrange and I know one of the housemaids is anxious to get away. INSPECTOR I don't think there's any need to worry about that. I'm not interested in the servants. Only people with a real connection with the dead man. MRS WILSON I see. Thank you. ARTHUR Do you have a light, Inspector? INSPECTOR Yes. Yes, I think we can let them all go home, to be honest. I've got their addresses, after all. Constable Dexter will be here tomorrow morning to confirm that. Don't you worry. It doesn't end here. Oh, no. Whoever he is, I'll find him. I always do. ARTHUR Inspector, your matches. INSPECTOR Yes, thank you. DEXTER Uh, sir, I think you'll find it's this way. INSPECTOR Well, yes, we could use this one. There is, I think, a way out that way, but, yeah, we'll take your way. Scene 115. Shoes Room GEORGE Ohh! Beg your pardon, sir. Just collecting Mr. Nesbitt's shoes, sir. I think you'll find these stairs are the easiest way up, sir. JEREMY Thank you, uh- GEORGE George, sir. JEREMY George. GEORGE (To Bertha) You naughty, naughty girl. BERTHA Poor bloke. We were in the ironing room the other night and one of the visiting maids walked in. Must think I did it on purpose. You won't tell, will ya? GEORGE I won't tell. But you're lucky you're in the kitchen and not under Mrs. Wilson. She'd have sniffed you out without any help from me. Scene 116. Elsie Bedroom MARY Do you think Sir William was in love with you? ELSIE Nah. I was a bit of fun, that's all. MARY And you? ELSIE Nah, I didn't love him. I didn't mind him, but I liked the way he'd talk. He'd only talk to me because he was sick of her, but I liked it. He used to say to me I could be anything I wanted as long as I wanted it enough. MARY You're not sorry, then? Even after the way things have turned out? ELSIE Nah. I'm not sorry. It's time for a change. Who knows? Could be the makin' of me. What did he used to say? Carpe diem. Seize the day. What's up? What did I say? Where are you going? Scene 117. Parks Bedroom ROBERT Who is it? What are you doing? You'd better get back to your room. You don't want to get caught in here. MARY You didn't really dislike him, did you? Not really. At least not enough to kill him. You can't have. You didn't know him. You'd have to hate him. And why would you? ROBERT Can't a man hate his own father? Sir William McCordle was my father. He didn't know it, but he was. MARY You said you were an orphan. ROBERT No, I didn't. I said I grew up in an orphanage. Not long before I left, a group of us broke in to the warden's office one night and took out our files. I found my birth certificate. Mother's name, father unknown. Found this photograph. And they had my admission form. I was two days old. Guess who brought me to the door. MARY Robert, that doesn't mean that he- ROBERT Yes, it does. After that, I found out she worked in one of his factories. She wasn't the only one, apparently. Either the authorities didn't know or they didn't want to know. They took his babies and they took his money. MARY What happened to your mother? ROBERT She died. MARY Is that why you took the job with Lord Stockbridge? To get to Sir William? To poison him? ROBERT I didn't poison him. MARY What? ROBERT I didn't poison him. MARY But then you didn't kill him. Did you stab him? Even if you did, he was already dead. And whoever did it must have known that. No one could stab a corpse and not know it. ROBERT Really? When was the last time you stabbed a corpse? MARY You really murdered him, then. ROBERT I don't know. I don't care. Ooh. I've been wanting to do that ever since I first set eyes on you. Scene 118. Servants' Dining Room to Jennings Bedroom MRS WILSON Mr. Jennings? JENNINGS Wilson! Mrs. Wilson. Mrs- MRS WILSON Dorothy. I need your help. DOROTHY Of course, Mrs. Wilson. Are you all right? MRS WILSON No one must see him like this. Help me. Mr. Jennings? DOROTHY Come on, Mr. Jennings. MRS WILSON Come on. Bedtime. All right, bedtime. DOROTHY No, this way. Come on, Mr. Jennings. MRS WILSON Bedtime now, Mr. Jennings. Bedtime now. Come on. JENNINGS Where is r- Where is my reference? MRS WILSON You'll get your reference. Come on. Just into bed now. Into bed. (to Dorothy) Watch him. Watch him. Take his trousers off, Dorothy. DOROTHY I couldn't do that, Mrs. Wilson. I couldn't do that. MRS WILSON Take his trousers off. Come on. Come on. Scene 119. Denton Bedroom HENRY Who is it? HOUSEMAID Oh, I'm ever so sorry, sir. HENRY Sorry for what? HOUSEMAID I'm supposed to get the fire lit without waking you. HENRY Why does everyone treat me as if I were one of these stupid snobs? I spent half the week downstairs with all of you. HOUSEMAID You can't be on both teams at once, sir. Scene 120. Mrs. Croft Bedroom BERTHA It's official. They're off after breakfast. MRS CROFT Thank God for that. What about him? BERTHA He's going, too, as soon as he's seen Mr. Jennings. Are you all right, Mrs. Croft? You sound a bit funny. MRS CROFT Oh, just too many fags, that's all. They'll be the death of me. Here, you finished it. BERTHA Did you tell the police any of that stuff in the end? MRS CROFT I did not. I'm sorry if I shock you, but the plain fact is: he only got what he deserved. There. I've said it. BERTHA I can't stop thinking' about those girls. The ones that got- you know. MRS CROFT Well, I'm not surprised, the way you carry on. Just see it never happens to you, that's all. BERTHA Don't worry. And even if it did, I know I couldn't part with my baby, not just to hang on to a job. MRS CROFT Well, I'm very glad to hear it. Scene 121. Jennings Bedroom JENNINGS Who is it? DEXTER No, don't mind me, Mr. Jennings. Inspector Thompson's just asked me to take one last look around. JENNINGS Is the Inspector with you? DEXTER Oh, no. We're working from the station from now on. See if we can't manage things better from there. JENNINGS What about the poison? Have you traced that at least? DEXTER Hardly. This house is a poisoner's paradise. We found the stuff in practically ev- every room. Unfortunately, no one's got a police record. Well, except you, of course. Perhaps the butler did it. I had a brother who was a conscientious objector. He did a bit of time, too. Did they know upstairs you refused to fight and were sent to prison? Hmm? I'd forget about it if I were you. Not everyone's cut out to be a soldier. Scene 122. Upstairs Gallery LAVINIA Did you remember the other boxes? SARAH Yes. Everything's in the car, milady. LAVINIA Wonderful. Good. MEREDITH Darling, here I come. LAVINIA Do you know, I can't wait to leave this place. MEREDITH Let's go. FREDDIE (to Mabel) Christ, what are we supposed to do now? MABEL Freddie, do try to stop being so frightened all the time. MEREDITH (to Lavinia) Darling, have I made the worst terrible fool of myself? LAVINIA Maybe. SARAH (to Arthur) Bye. FREDDIE (to Meredith) Anthony. Um, Anthony. I wanted to remind you of the conversation we had at dinner the other night. Um, perhaps this is not the most appropriate moment, but when you get to the Sudan you're going to need an expert and I'm your man. Scene 123. Upstairs Gallery RUPERT Well, I want to know. JEREMY Did you ask her? RUPERT No, I didn't. JEREMY I think, on reflection, that's a good thing. According to the servants' hall gossip, she won't get any of her estate till her mother dies. RUPERT Oh, honestly, Jeremy. JEREMY If that's the case, it's too long for you to wait. You can do better. ISOBEL (to Rupert) H- Have you checked your room? You mustn't leave anything behind. I'm sure Mummy's going to sell the house. RUPERT Isobel. Isobel. Isobel! Scene 124. Façade WEISSMAN (to Henry) Sidney Kent's taking over the studio. He loves Charlie Chan and he hates Winfield Sheehan. JENNINGS (to Novello) Sir. WEISSMAN (to Henry) No more rewrites and I can cast whoever I like. JEREMY (to Rupert) Well, that was painless, wasn't it? RUPERT No, it wasn't. Not for me, anyway. WEISSMAN (to Henry) Careful. Careful. Watch yourself. HENRY Whoa! Scene 125. Façade MARY Do they know? ELSIE No. MARY Don't you think they might notice? ELSIE I don't care. WEISSMAN Hey, you there. Where're you going? ELSIE To the station. WEISSMAN Hey, do you want a ride to London? ELSIE Sure, why not? WEISSMAN Hop in. ELSIE Thank you. MARY There you go. Well, good luck. Don't do anything I wouldn't do. ELSIE At least I know that gives me room for maneuver. (to Henry) No, keep your hands to yourself. HENRY You Brits really don't have a sense of humour, do you? ELSIE We do if something's funny, sir. MARY Mr. Jennings, can- JENNINGS Be quick about it. Scene 126. Chinese Room LADY TRENTHAM Honestly, it's getting so expensive, by the time one does Jennings and leave something for the housemaids, one might as well have taken a suite at the Ritz. Tell me, what happened to William's little maid? I never saw her again after that dinner. MARY Elsie? LADY TRENTHAM Hmm. MARY She's gone. LADY TRENTHAM Ohh. That's a pity, really. Thought it was a good idea to have someone in the house who's actually sorry he's dead. (to Sylvia) Oh, there you are, dear. Did you have a nice ride? SYLVIA I'm feeling rather guilty. Apparently everyone's gone, apart from you and Louisa. Why don't you stay for lunch? LADY TRENTHAM No, I must be off. Leave you in peace. Now, you will- You will telephone about the funeral plan, mmm? SYLVIA You don't have to come if it's a bore. LADY TRENTHAM Nonsense. Of course I'm coming. Have you decided what you're going to do about this place? SYLVIA Oh, I don't know. LADY TRENTHAM Will you keep it? SYLVIA It's so difficult. I mean, does one really want the bother nowadays? LADY TRENTHAM Mmm. SYLVIA I suppose I could shut it up and make a decision when my head stops spinning. LADY TRENTHAM Mrs. Wilson could manage till you're ready. SYLVIA Oh, yes, she could manage, all right. Let's not worry about that. No doubt she'll seize the opportunity to get rid of the wretched Mrs. Croft. LADY TRENTHAM Why are those two such enemies? SYLVIA Oh, I don't know. Something to do with when they were both workers in one of William's sweatshops. Mrs. Croft was the senior then. She was the cook. And Mrs. Wilson a lowly factory worker. Now that she's got up in the world, poor old Croftie can't abide it. The usual rubbish. LADY TRENTHAM Was there ever a Mr. Wilson? I can't imagine it. SYLVIA Nor could I. Although, funnily enough, I think there must have been. LADY TRENTHAM Really? You amaze me. SYLVIA She might have changed her name, but when she was working with William, she was called something quite different. Parks or Parker or Parkinson or something like that. Scene 127. Mrs. Wilson Bedroom MRS WILSON Come in. MARY You're busy. MRS WILSON No, no. I was just checking the linen rotation. If I'd had left it to the maids, the same twenty sheets would be used till they fell into rags. MARY Why did you do it? How did you know it was him? Was it the name, or did you see the photograph in his room? MRS WILSON Ah, yes, the photograph. It's a miracle that survived. I remember his mother putting it into his blanket. I suppose she wanted him to have something of hers. Does he know what happened to her? MARY They said she died just after he was born. MRS WILSON Well, she didn't die. She gave him away. He promised the boy would be adopted. He said he knew the family. Turns out we all clung to that dream, all us girls. A better start in life for our children. And all the time he was dumping them, his own children, in some godforsaken place. And I believed him. I suppose it was easier that way. My sister certainly never forgave me for it. MARY Your sister? MRS WILSON Yes, Mrs. Croft. She's my sister. Didn't you know? She kept hers, you see. It was very hard for her. She lost her job and then the baby died anyway. Scarlet fever. I made him take her back. She never forgave me for that either. MARY But even if Robert is your son, how did you know that he meant to harm his father? MRS WILSON What gift do you think a good servant has that separates them from the others? It's the gift of anticipation. And I'm a good servant. I'm better than good. I'm the best. I'm the perfect servant. I know when they'll be hungry and the food is ready. I know when they'll be tired and the bed is turned down. I know it before they know it themselves. MARY Are you going to tell him? MRS WILSON Why? What purpose would it possibly serve? MARY What if they find out what happened? MRS WILSON Not much of a crime to stab a dead man, is it? They can never touch him. That's what's important: his life. MARY And your life? MRS WILSON Didn't you hear me? I'm the perfect servant. I have no life. GEORGE (to Mary) Her Ladyship's leaving now, miss. MRS WILSON Thank you, George. (to Mary) Well, you should go now, Miss Trentham. Scene 128. Front door LORD STOCKBRIDGE Here you are, Jennings. LOUISA Well, good-bye, Sylvia. SYLVIA Good-bye. LORD STOCKBRIDGE (to Jennings) For you. JENNINGS Thank you. LOUISA (to Sylvia) Do let us know if there's anything- anything that we can do to help. SYLVIA Are you going to go away at all? LOUISA No, not once the shooting's finished. Scene 129. Servants' Hall to Mrs. Wilson Bedroom MRS WILSON Thank you for your help last night. DOROTHY You don't have to thank me. You know I'd kill for Mr. Jennings if I had to. MRS CROFT Don't cry, Jane. They'll hear you. Come on. You did what you felt was best for him at the time. I see that now. MRS WILSON Lizzie. I've lost him. I've lost him. He'll never know me now. My boy. Oh, my boy. MRS CROFT Well, at least your boy is alive. He's alive. That's what matters. Scene 130. Façade ROBERT So, you're leaving. MARY Yes. ROBERT Good-bye, then. MARY Good-bye. LORD STOCKBRIDGE Parks. LADY TRENTHAM (to Sylvia) Good-bye, my dear. LORD STOCKBRIDGE Get in, Bennett. LADY TRENTHAM Chin up. Chin up. Heavens, what a relief to be going. SYLVIA What time is it, Jennings? LADY TRENTHAM It'll take me a month to recover. Oh, Mary- JENNINGS (to Sylvia) 12:35, milady. LADY TRENTHAM Do you think if there's a trial I might have to testify in court? Or you? I can't think of anything worse. Imagine a person being hanged because of something one said in court. MARY I know. And what purpose could it possibly serve anyway? SYLVIA Good-bye. =The End=