by Indianna Mae Who
notes:
Lady Une, or Colonel Une is a 19-year-old character in an anime (Japanese cartoon) called "Gundam Wing" Treize is her boyfriend, and Mariamaia is Treize's kid - from the time he knocked up some other girl, Leia, and split with her kid. Nice guy, huh? Anyway, he gets his just desserts in this story as does Lady Une.
Jessica Mydek is a fictional child cooked up in a chainletter that circulated all over the net during the late 1990's. Her story was designed to provoke enough sympathy to pass on the chainletter, and a guilt-trip for anybody thinking of disbelieving it and not passing it on. Like all dying child chainletters, it is fictional, dripping with heart-wrenching rhetoric, and claims money will automatically go to a charity for every time the chainletter is forwarded. Puh-leeze!
If you are even tempted to believe the latest claim about shampoo causing cancer, that dirty needles are being planted in theater seats just waiting to infect you with something, that you could get your kidney stolen, or that you can save a dying person by spreading a chainletter around, think again! I used these cartoon characters to further bring the point home, that these stories are bogus. if they sound a bit improbable but go to great lengths to get you thinking that maybe, just maybe they could be true, and if they urge you to pass them on, you know they are nothing but chainletters, in otherwords, garbage.
Lady Une, the Urban Legendary Experience!
19-year-old Lady Une was supposed to be in charge of two young children, one of them was 7-year-old Mariamaia, daughter of Une's boyfriend, Treize...Sheesh, what a sissy name. The other child in Une's, er...care, was a neighbor's baby. Une got bored and lonely. She decided to cook supper and invite her master--er--owner--I mean keeper--uh, no, erm...The object of her obsession - Treize Khu--aw scrap that pretentious killer to type, irritating horribly long last name of his over.
He took his sweet time getting there, because he was THE GREAT TREIZE, after all, and he expected people to wait for him, and wait on him!
While Une waited for Treize to arrive, she touched up her hair, put on more makeup, and of course, her glasses. She sent Mariamaia down to the basement to watch TV while waiting for Treize to arrive.
After about five minutes of waiting, the phone rang. Une was relieved it was not Treize calling to cancel like he had done the last time.
It was the mother of the baby Une was looking after for the evening.
Une informed her that all was well, she was just having a friend over for dinner, the chicken was in the oven, and the baby had gone to sleep with no fuss.
When Treize arrived, Une was all over him like a cheap suit. She was just about crawling out of her skin to get into his, and she assaulted him with many wet passionate kisses all over his face and neck...all the while, panting "Mr. Treize...Oh, Mr. Treize, sir!" over and over again. Pathetic! :p
The general discomfort of the situation was made far worse by body odor. This was because Une had stopped using deodorant. Most on the market also contained anti-perspirant, which she was told and believed, caused cancer by clogging up the sweat glands, preventing toxyns from escaping the body.
Dinner wasn't ready yet, so they sat in the front room. Once Treize managed to pry Une loose, he watched her for a moment as she sat beside him, still panting, sighing, and swooning.
Eventually Une settled down, and that was when Treize told her that he was ditching her. What else was new, for Treize, this was routine!
Une went crazy. She started frantically pawing all over him again, stepping up the pace with the urgent kisses, and all that was accompanied with pitiful pleas of "No! Please Mr. Treize! I need you! I want you, I love you! I'm the only one who understands and loves you and you're the only one who loves me! You know you do! I'll do anything for you, just don't leave me! I'll do anything, make speeches, cook for you, do your laundry, kiss your feet! oh Mr. Treize! my love for you knows no limits! See, I'll prove it! I told you I'd do anything for you and I will! You see, Mr. Treize, I will, right now. I'll do this for you and only you!" and with that, lady Une got down on the floor and actually kissed Treize's feet! Sheesh, what a clingy and possessive drip, and if he was worth all that.
Treize was so in love with himself and flattered that once again, he had some poor sap after him, that he gave in for a moment. "You're the only one who's ever understood me, Une...But I'm leaving for bigger and better things. Now, how about giving me some supper?"
Une sprang to her feet. This was one more opportunity to please Treize, and with each opportunity, maybe she could make him forget this backing off idea. "Yes, Mr. Treize, yes, I'll go right now, sir!" With that, she flew into the kitchen.
But as she did, she saw the table all laid out, complete with two glasses of wine. Une thought of getting him drunk, she would have to spike it with something. But as her fevered mind raced desperately from one idea to another, she got a particularly sinister idea. Yes, it would have to work. How could Treize not be indebted to her as his heroine after tonight?
It wasn't long before dinner was ready, and Une and Treize sat down to dine. Une suggested they start off with a drink while the piping hot supper cooled enough to eat.
Treize agreed and took several sips of the wine.
That was the last thing he remembered.
The next thing he knew, he woke up completely naked in a bathtub filled with ice. He was still feeling the effects of the drugs, but looked around to see he was alone. He looked down at his chest, which had "CALL 911 OR YOU WILL DIE" written on it in lipstick.
He saw a phone was on a stand next to the tub, so he picked it up and dialed. He explained to the EMS operator what the situation was and that he didn't know where he was, what he took, or why he was really calling. The EMS operator told him to check his back. He did, only to find two 9 inch slits on his lower back. they sent a rescue team over.
Apparently, after being examined, he found out more of what had happened. His kidneys were stolen. They are worth 10,000 dollars each on the black market.
Lady Une tried to get the hospital to give him one of her kidneys, but they refused after running some tests. Her kidney was not a match and would be useless to him, maybe even deadly. That was when she broke down, blathering something about it all being worth nothing since she was sure never to get him back now. It eventually came out that Lady Une was behind that whole plan. She put Treize in an emergency, trying to set it up so that she would be the one to save him and restore him to a normal life. Then surely he would feel he owed her, and loved her too much to leave.
As for the neighbor whose baby Une had sat that night, imagine the horror when it was discovered that their baby was gone, and in the crib in its place was a raw chicken! the culprit? Lady Une and her stupid multiple personalities. the personality she was in at the time she cooked the "chicken" was too out of touch with reality to distinguish the difference between a chicken and a baby!
To this day, the distraught mother still refuses to stop searching for her child. She believes it is still alive somewhere.
As for Treize, he was hospitalized next door to a man who died of flatulance, and it was contagious!
Seven-year-old Mariamaia, Treize's daughter had sickened from eating a Costa Rican banana that was infected with necrotizing fasciitis, otherwise known as flesh eating bacteria. She came down with a fever followed by a very painful skin infection that, if not treated in time, could eat two to three centimeters of flesh per hour. Mariamaia was luckier than most afflicted with this since the treatment was aggressive enough and in time to prevent the infection from requiring Amputation or resulting in the poor child's death. The warning here is to boycott bananas! Especially if they come from Costa Rica!
After Mariamaia's bout with the flesh eating disease, from which she fully recovered, she begged Lady Une to take her to a movie. Lady Une agreed but they would have to eat lunch first.
Tired of cooking, Une took Mariamaia out to a fast food place. Mariamaia had battered fried chicken strips, and Lady Une had a burger with lots of mayonaise. Lady Une didn't think it tasted right, but perhaps one of her personalities didn't like mayo and it slipped her minds.
Later, at the theater, Lady Une was not feeling at all well, and Mariamaia complained of a pain in her backside. When it grew worse, they left the theater, and Une examined her. there seemed to be a splinter but Une couldn't get it out, so she took Mariamaia to the Valley Childrens hospital.
By the time they arrived, Mariamaia was vomiting and shaking, her eyes rolled back into her head, Lady Une was in nearly as bad a state.
It turned out that the welt on Mariamaia's buttock was the tip of a hypodermic needle that had broken off inside.
When the needle was removed, it was found to be contaminated with a parasite that causes ostriopliosis, a rare liver disease. The only treatment, not a cure, was a drug called Progesterex, which was very expensive, and still in the experimentation stages.
Lady Une's problem was a flue like illness brought on by contaminated food from the restaurant. Upon thorough examination of her stomach contents, it was discovered that the "mayonaise" turned out to be puss from a ruptured tumor of a cow. The chicken Mariamaia had eaten had turned out to be not chicken at all, but rat meat.
When that restaurant was inspected, there were many major health hazards found by way of food contamination. Dear mouse droppings that tested positive for Hanta virus were found in a container of chocolate chips, lice among the rice, and mad cow or B.S.E infected meat. Lady Une was fortunate she had not been infected with B.S.E, however, and the restaurant was shut down.
Lady Une recovered quickly and was released within two days, but Mariamaia's condition worsened, though Lady Une visited her every day, hoping against hope she would recover soon.
At the hospital, Lady Une and Mariamaia met Jessica Mydek. She was the same age as Mariamaia. Sadly, Jessica was dying of cancer that was caused by shampoo and toothpaste., Her family were trying to save her life by passing on chainletters. Une thought this was a great idea so she followed suit.
Une's please to save Mariamaia were circulated on the internet. They went something like this:
-Start of message -- From: Lady Une Subject: Don't be heartless and delete this letter! Please read!
to all who care and love children:
My name is Lady Une. My seven-year-old step-daughter, Mariamaia has severe ostriopliosis of the liver. (Her liver is extremely inflamed). Modern Science has yet to find a cure. Valley Childrens hospital has agreed to donate 7 cents to the National Diesese [sic] Society for every name on this letter. Please send it around as much as you can. If you do not pass on this letter, Mariamaia will not get the money she needs to save her life. This poor, innocent little child may not live to see her next birthday, graduate from highschool, or get married and have children of her own. Please, please, don't deny her a chance at life! She is in agony every day, this is a very slow and horrible death. But it might be prevented if a cure or treatment is found, and for that, donations are desperately needed! For the love of all things good, please give little Mariamaia a chance, the chance all children deserve...a chance at life! Sign this letter, and pass it on to as many people as you can!
For those of you who dont take 5 minutes to do this, what goes around comes around, and one day you will get what you deserve. You can help sick people, and it costs you nothing, yet you are too lazy and selfish to spare a little time for this child? If you do not pass this on, and she dies, it will be because you were too heartless to care and pass on this letter! Just think how you would feel if it was you or your own child in this situation. Wouldn't you want people taking just moments of their time to help you?
Lady Une --End of forward --
with Mariamaia and Treize in the hospital, Une got lonely and bought a pet cat. She was not really an animal lover but she absolutely needed something around to dominate, and anyway, she thought that being seen with a pet would boost her image in the public eye.
Une named her cat Mr. Treize, and she spent a lot of time grooming and bathing him. One day, she decided to speed up the drying process. Toweling him off took too long, and he shivered and squirmed his way free most of the time. In order to cut down the effort involved, Une put the cat in the electric oven to dry. At least this time she didn't mistake it for chicken. :p Do you see a pattern here, though?
One day, she decided to speed the process up even more, by drying him in the microwave.
There really was no miaow, nor any noise at all from the cat, for the poor creature exploded the instant the oven was switched on.
If that wasn't stupid enough, Lady Une sued the company which made the microwave for some obscene amount of money -- and won. Because there was no warning label on the microwave oven.
At least Lady Une still had one thing going for her, her big hair style. Une was proud of that hairstyle of hers, a huge bun positioned at the back of her head. She maintained it obsessively.To keep her costly do in shape, she avoided taking it down for months at a time. Such is the price of fashion.
But her vanity was about to become very expensive.
At the end of each day, Une carefully prepared her hair for bed. She'd spray it and touch it up, but never wash it. That was too much trouble...much easier to just lacker it into place.
Une had stopped using shampoo anyway, since learning from the doctors and the Mydek family that shampoo contained Sodium Laureth Sulfate, AKA SLS. This extremely strong substance was, after all, used to scrub garage floors, and caused cancer when used on the body or injested in the form of toothpaste. Therefore, Une also stopped brushing her teeth.
One morning, she awoke with a few thin threads in her face. Without thinking, she brushed them aside, and began her day.
Of course, Une's morning began with her bulletproof bun, but as she touched it up, she noticed something strange.
Une couldn't believe what she saw!
Baby black widows! Dozens of them!!
Somehow, an egg sac had been laid on her scalp, and had hatched during the night!
Frantically, Une raked through her hair-do, but this only exposed more spiders. Hysterical, Une began chopping off her locks.
No matter what she did, more black widows spilled from her head!
Mad with horror, she finally snapped.
Today, she is institutionalized, her mind still infested with visions of spiders in her head.
As for Mariamaia, she was placed in foster care, but her faster mother and 6 other women died after receiving poisoned perfume samples in the mail. One of the packages was sent to the institution where Lady Une resides, and though it was presumably meant for Lady Une, a female staff member opened it instead.
The connection to Lady Une and Mariamaia is cause for suspicion that Treize Kahushrenada sent the samples, mad as heck that Lady Une could actually survive without him, and that she had yanked out one of his kidneys. Treize K. is also highly suspected because he is after all, the founder of the terrorist OZ organization.
Now you can help prevent kidney theft, cancer, and the threat of poison perfume! Don't open your mail, and be sure to get rid of contaminated needles and bad food! Please, if you are not a selfish or lazy person, pass this on to a million people within three days or you'll end up in the same position as any of the people mentioned in this email!
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Some facts:
Black widow spiders don't hatch after one night and don't make webs in human hair. They prefer living in places that are quiet with as little disturbance as possible.
Seven women did not die of any poison perfume samples in their mail. If they had, as truthorfiction says, it would've been all over the real news, and not just passed around in chain letters on the net. It would have been extremely difficult if not impossible to cover up if it really happened.
There is no organization called the Diesese [SIC] Society, no such disease as ostriopliosis, and no such drug as progesterex. The names were fabricated to sound real, but they're pure fiction.
So, I took some liberties. in the original hoax about progesterex, it's supposed to be a drug that makes women sterile...permanently. But since that scenario didn't fit anywhere in this story, i put it in as the treatment for the dreaded ostriopliosis. Well, why not? It's a fictional drug after all. :p
One version of the ostriopliosis hoax also named a fictional character from a book as the afflicted. Another version unfortunately names a real person, who is in good health, but suffering unwanted attention because some malicious person, probably a schoolmate, perpetuated the hoax in his name.
the kidney theft never really happened either, despite all the silly scare stories about it that have been passed around. True, a guy did lose his kidney, but that's just half of it. The whole truth is that he lost it because he chose to. The guy sold his own kidney, then covered up his illegal act by claiming he had been mugged and had it stolen.
The tub of ice is not necessary for organ removal. It's only the organ itself that needs to be kept on ice, not the person it comes from.
outside of a hospital, this sort of surgery is next to impossible anyway, and hospitals keep records of every donor and recipiant.
-Indianna
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