I'm quitting BnG. Yes, the community. Yes, permanently. No, not forever. It's not you, it's me. Just till I get my life sorted out. Or, rather, [i]me[/i] sorted out. I'm not really in any sort of real-life crisis, such as a family problems or death of someone close or any general life changes. I've actually got a fairly comfortable life, which I have settled into since the beginning of the school. I've just decided I don't like it. Bordering on hating it. There are a number of reasons why, mostly involving how horribley I manage my time and somehow feel I don't have enough of it. I've always wished I could draw, but I was always kind of afraid to try, seeing how good other people were and knowing I just wasn't artistic. I would draw a line, and draw another line, and a curve, and it would look horrible and I'd be frustrated because it looked nothing like what it was supposed to eventually become, and got frustrated. My brother (coolest, most awsomest older brother EVAR) does AMAZING drawings all time, and we've always been yin and yang to a certain extent. He's the artistic one, I'm the mathematical one. He can't stand so much as the quadratic formula, and for the last couple of years I've been in the next year's honors math class (that is, instead of Algebra I, I was in Honors Geometry, and so on up the ladder). We both just kind of knew and accepted that. There also have always been other people even before I got on the net that I felt were my peers, but were spectacular artists. Although it never even occured to me at the time, in hindsight I secretly wanted to learn to draw and it was all very discouraging. Not to mention that the only books on drawing I had access to were those crappy "50 Nifty" books that even I could tell were useless. So, when I found my way to BnG, again there was some incredible art about, and if anyone remembers me saying anything like "I don't know much about art, but that's a helluva lot better than I could ever do" that was just another example of me secretly wishing I could draw that well (my personality is such that I rarely feel like I know my own feelings myself :( ). Finally, recently, I was inspired enough by one of these artists that I decided to find some real "How to draw" books. My point? Well, it's been a few months since I first got one, and now I have a small pile of them from the local library, and a small handful of head sketches, all but one either step-by-step from the book or copying an example using the same steps. Nothing in the last several weeks. I want more. I've come to the conclusion that I can become good at this, and learn from the books I have, but I have to get serious about it, so I will. I've got a billion comic ideas, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna squander them by making it a sprite comic if I have a chance to do better. Speaking of which, sprites. Dispite my somewhat sudden urges to draw, I still wish I could do more with sprites, particularly more customized animations. However, rather than being what takes up my free time, that also has fallen by the wayside. I was never very intensive on spriting, just one or two here and there, but I would always have some project, like the SNK card. The last real animation I made was the "Agent AX" dodging animation, which was over two months ago. Again, I have lots of ideas, but I just don't seem to have the time. Video games aren't it, either. Sure, I play plenty of GBA at school, but I haven't been allowed to play GCN or PS2 on weekdays since about January, and there also I actually feel I'm falling far behind (though that's also because of my recent interest in classic RPGs, which take gods-know-how-long to finish, even on my old schedule). No, no, it couldn't be homework that's keeping me from my duties to myself. You see, it's usually 11 and I'm watching Adult Swim before I start my homework, 9 if I have a LOT, and if at all possible, I skip it and do it at school, I have little enough. So, obviously, I can't say I don't have any free time, I have glut of it in fact. Where does it all go? The online communities. I belong to Bob and George, and Lab of Abyll, and more recently New World Comic (tfsnewworld.com - read it now), and that's what I do all day. I decide I'm going to check each briefly to see what I can reply to, and I spend the whole damn day sitting there, even after I've replied to the ones that interest me, with WinTV in the corner of the screen. I check to see if there's any new posts at one, then five minutes later the other, then five minutes later another, and then fifteen minutes have gone by so I decide to check the first again just in case. I've tried promises and resolutions as to how much time I'll spend, or when I'll stop, or doing other things at the same time, but it just doesn't work like that. Even when I don't see anything to reply to in the first place, it still ends up the same way. In addition, BnG just plain isn't fun anymore. When my family moved back to the US (long story... well, a different long story), I found my way to BnG, as a way of coping with not knowing anyone and having no experience with making new friends, and I had a great time. Now, people have both come and left, and it's a completely different place, bigger more than anything else, and therefore [i]much[/i] less personal. I only recently realized what people really meant when they said it's not the same, and it's kind of depressing to see it in full. I used to participate in IFF's, but the crowd I did so with moved to Lab of Abyll, which is now more or less dead, with activity but so many people dropping in and out of regular contact that not only do IFF's die quickly, but it's impossible to revive old ones because you can never get all the old participants back at the same time, some never at all. We would also have debates about Zelda or other games, but now it's mostly just the same people all over again, or a bunch of new people asking the same questions the last ten did, all of which have been common knowledge/can be looked up on gamefaqs for quite some time. *cough*MMBN3*cough* Either way, I just haven't felt motivated to post as much, despite the time I spend [i]looking[/i] for something to post about. The reason I've been hanging on, really, is to keep in touch with the friends I made already, though I happen to think it's a perfectly good reason, and it's the main reason I know I will return. My mom is also pushing me to join groups in school and make friends, and while I still seriously think we need an anime club, the Art Club is going to be fun, and she seems to have used some mind-games of some sort to convince me the jew-club (not the actual name :) won't be so bad as I think. Why now? I dunno, I got a sudden spontaneous influx of ideas for a comic, and realized that it's the umpteenth time I've devoutly resolved to follow through somehow, and came to the conclusion that I have to be more active. I just can't let it sit on the back-burners, assuming I'll get to it, and not really taking any steps to get there. Then, I started re-assesing my life recently, and... well... I've already stated what I came up with. Besides, yesterday (day before, by now?) was Yom Kippur, the Jewish holiday of attonement and self-improvement, heralding the new year. So, my resolution for the year 5764 is to stop putting up with having a contented life, a satisfying life, or a comfortable life, and aim for a happy, wonderful life. No, to hell with it, to have a happy, wonderful life, and to never have any excuse to put something off till later except that I'm doing something right now at this moment. Well... it felt good to get that out of my system. I won't be leaving completely right away, I know how annoying it is to want to reply to some big, preachy post like this, or even just to someone you'll miss, and know they won't see it for a long time, if at all. There's also a good chance I'll be adding an avatar for the meantime, 'cause I... well... I'm, you know, me. But I'm hoping to be gone by the weekend at the latest, and godsdammit, I expect someone to reprimand me if I'm on after that. I have the next week off, and I'm gonna actually do something, be it a script for the first part of my comic, finishing a cheezy sci-fi novel, or that book report that's due the immediate week after (well, I'll obviously be doing that anyway, but you get the idea). I'm hoping to stay away for at least a couple of months, at least until 2004. Hey, maybe even new-year to new-year, ne? At any rate, it could be longer, it might be shorter, but it depends on if I can get my act together. I won't neccissarily return with the first month's worth of the next El Goonish Shive, but I need to feel comfortable with my ability to focus on a single task until it is done. Speaking of which, I'll be keeping up with BnG and TSfaL and whatever other comics I have bookmarked (if you just link from the forums, sorry :o), so no worries about me having oodles of Bob and George antics to catch up on, just thought I'd mention that. Obviously, this means I'll miss a few dates... so Happy Halloween, and in case I don't see ya, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanuk- Hanuc- Channk- Festival of Lights, and a Happy New Year. And if I remember correctly, Happy Birthday to Trav of Project: Suck, and anyone else I'm going to miss that I've forgotten. If you really want to contact me, feel free to e-mail me at indoauthorx at yahoo.com. Be forewarned, I've never been good with replying to e-mails, so if you don't ever get a reply, it's not because I didn't get, and I promise it's not because I don't like you. I honestly don't know if this hurts you or me more, but I know it hurts a hell of a lot, Sincerely, Author X [i]The gas is poured and the matches are lit, I couldn't wait to see the glow. But I can't quite do the hardest bit, So I'll just mark my path as I go.[/i]