From Six on 23.05.02, 11:56: The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Cheese This is a parody fanfic of every Zelda game made, and even some games that have nothing to do with Zelda, as a type of "round robin" writing game. Feel free to add something (that something being intelligent, semi-stupid, and understandable, of course) onto it. ^.^ However, to keep this story from being a demonstration in the Chaos Theory, lets set a few Rules and Guidlines to this: 1. Use characters of non-Zelda orgin sparingly. a. Do not incorperate yourself (or any representation of yourself) into the story, even for a cameo. Unless your screenname is that of a Zelda charater, of course, but it will retain the characteristcs of that character in the Zelda series. b. A maxium of TWO and only TWO characters from a non-Zelda franchise at a time. Meaning if one dies, his/her place can be taken by a different character from that franchise, although not immediately. c. No real life persons unrelated to Zelda. Example: Micheal Jackson, George Bush, Celine Deion are not allowed. Peter Main (Nintendo of America chairman) and Miyamoto (Zelda creator) are. d. Characters and any other elements of your own creation are acceptable. Example: Ling-Ling the Endagered Chinese Panda, the Church Organ Of Time 2. Think carefully about what you are going to post. a. Make sure it makes sense. b. Make sure it follows along with the other posts smoothly, so as to create a readable story. d. Make sure it is funny. Funny meaning with an intellegent side, so at least a slightly integent side. Stupidity is the funniest thing on the planet if/when it is used sparingly and with care. f. If you have a really good idea about an upcoming event, say so and everyone else will make sure that you will have the opprtunity to add your idea. g. No 1 or 2 sentence add-ons to the story. Make it good. 3. Correct and try to avoid any mistakes made on your part. a. Have one window open containing the most recent page of the thread, and another containing the Message Post box. b. Constantly refresh that page, so you can see if anyone adds something while you are writing your story c. If you post something involving a character that died, involving an item that was lost/destroyed, or any type of similar plothole, edit your post so that it makes sense. d. If your post is determined to be un-useable for any of these reasons, edit it in a manner that eliminate confusion and mistakes. Example: Change a 1-paragraph post to say *Skip* e. at the end of your post, put a short summary of the events that occured in your post to eliminate confusion 4. Basic Censorship required. a. As this board is a "little" (understatement) more enforced than the last board a similar thread existed in, basic decency will be required. No nudity, sexual references, posts so stupid so that they may be considered spam, and basicly just what your concience tells you what is right. (Its good to listen to it. SOMETIMES ) b. Any word that a character cursed should be changed to **Q* XD c. Use your head before you type it. 5. The Golden Rule: ANYTHING ELSE GOES!!!! XD And now that that is taken care of, ON TO THE STORY!!! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (A boy that looks to be about 13 or 14 dressed in a green jerkin bursts in the door) Boy: Uncle Barney!!! Ganon is about to take over the Hyrule again!!! Uncle Barney (sighs): This is getting really old, Link. Just about every five or six generations of our family Ganon tries to take over the world. (Moves around on the counch looking for the remote) You know, you're the olny one that can save us all now... Link (a little surprised): Huh? Why me? Can't anyone else be the Great Hero of Hyrule for a change? Uncle Barney: Well..... no. (twirls his beard around) You see, the last person to defeat Ganon, your great-great-great-grandfather Link, is dead. And I, the your elder and thus probably the one who should try, am too lazy to get up off my fat ass. Link: Oh. (face brightens) Does this mean I get to use all the stuff that my ancestors used??? Like the sword and shield and (voice waivers as if feeling great pleasure) HookShot..... Uncle Barney (Pounds fist and stands up): HELL NO!!! See that? (points to all the equipment from previous Zelda games hung up or placed on a manakin under glass along the far wall) All those are collectors items! Just imagine how much they're value will be reduced if they're actually USED again! (visibly shudders. Link blinks in confuzzlement) And where would the challenge be if you started the game with good equipment? Use something else that's easily replaced! Link: Uncle Barney, all the swords and shields we own are underneath that glass! Uncle Barney: Maybe so, but I can find something just as good! Hold on a sec... (Runs out to the back of the house and returns) Here you go! Link: .....Its a board with a nail in it...... Uncle Barney: Not quite. You see, the sharp end of the nail protrudes through the board. Now your enemies will quake with fear when you wield your weapon! Link: ................Its a board with a nail in it...... Uncle Barney: Shut up Link. And lookie here... (holds up a latern) this will let you see in the darkest depths of dungeons! Link: Why are you holding up the microwave by a makeshift handle attached with duct tape? Uncle Barney: Don't worry! if you open the door, the light will come on! Link: Are you sure it will work when the power plug is dragging across the floor? Uncle Barney: I said it's a LANTERN Link. That means you take the LANTERN and eliminate all evil from Hyrule once you get your shield. (Link stares at his uncle blankly) NOW!!!! (Links walks away grumbling and returns with a shield) Uncle Barney: OH NO YOU DON'T!!! That's the GOOD trash can lid! Use something more like... (reaches behind him) this!!! (hands Link a dirty paper plate) Link (looking down at his "fearsome" arsenal): I had better get the Master Sword pretty quick... Uncle Barney: Master Sword? (guffaws) You mean THAT?!?!?!? (points to the Master Sword behind glass, Pedistal and all) What you want is the Mozzarella Sword! That's a thousand times better than a cheap piece of **Q* like the (mocking baby voice) Master Sword. (guffaws) Now, don't lose that sense of humor and go and talk to Princess Zelda! (Link is shoved out the door, which is then slammed in his face) Link: But Uncle Barney! I don't have any money! (5 Rupees slide underneath the door) Link: jerk So thus our pointy-eared hero sets off toward Hyrule Castle horribly under-prepared and ALMOST broke. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ An incredibly cheap Uncle Barney gives Link a board with a nail in it, a microwave, a dirty paper plate, and 5 Rupees to aid him in his fight against evil. He learns that he seeks the Mozzarella Sword and that Princess Zelda has some information that *might* help him in his desperate journey. Lets see what you people come up with! From Sinn on 23.05.02, 13:45: (As Link, our hero *cough*, walks along his merry way to the castle, he sees a fairy flitting off in the distance.) Link: Hey! I remember Uncle Barney telling me how my ancestors had fairy partners to help them throughout their journey! I'll bet if I go up and bother it that it'll join me on my quest to save Hyrule! (Link dashes over to the fairy and gives it his usual greeting.) Link: ... ... ... Fairy: (blinks) Huh? Link: I said "... ... ..." Weren't you listening? Fairy: Riiiiiiiight... Link: Anyway, I'm on a quest to save the world! I'm going to the castle right now! Fairy: You? Save the world? You're kidding, right? Link: Of course not! Why would you think that? Fairy: You don't have any armor, you don't have a weapon- (Link holds up the board with the nail through it.) Fairy: Ok, you don't have a weapon that can do anything. And look at you! You don't even have a fairy! Link: Well, that's why I came over to- Fairy: I mean, how do you expect to find anything with your little human eyes? Link: I have a player's guide! Fairy: (rolls eyes) It doesn't make any difference, fairies are vital to the success of any mission. Link: That's what I wanted to ask you abou- Fairy: If I were you, I'd go get a fairy to help me out on my quest (*snicker*). You won't even get into the castle without one. (The fairy lands on a sign that reads:) "HYRULE CASTLE FIVE MILES THIS DIRECTION; NO ENTRY WITHOUT A FAIRY. DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, NOT EVEN ONE TEENY TINY BIT. IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. WE MEAN IT. DON'T TEST US ON THIS OR YOU'LL BE SORRY." Link: Wow, I guess you're right! Well then, do you want to- Fairy: Hey, here's an idea. There's a fountain with a whole bunch of fairies right near the castle. I'll bet you could find one there. Link: Well I could, but I don't see why I can't- Fairy: Come on! Get going already! Don't you want to save the world?? Link: (ears perk up) Of course I do! Just you watch, I'll find a fairy, Fairy! (Link speeds off in this direction towards the castle.) Link: (calling back) Thanks! Fairy: Yeah, whatever... _-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_ So Link stumbles upon a fairy who can't seem to get the hint that Link needs her to aid his quest; instead, he continues on toward the castle where he'll hopefully be able to find a fairy before he can enter. From Phoenix on 23.05.02, 22:39: (As Link makes his way towards the Fairy cave he notices a boy struggling with some boxes by a river) Link: That kid looks like he could use some help! (Link sprints over to the straining child and strikes up a conversation) Link: Might I help you with those boxes there? Kid: Sure! I just need to push them... Link ignores the child's instructions and begins pushing the boxes in random directions...Soon enough Link has pushed a box into the river... Kid: What did you do that for?!?! Link: Huh? what? I thought I was helping.... Kid: What's wrong with you? Haven;'t you ever heard of puzzles? Link: Puzzles? What are those? Kid: *sigh* Don't you know anything? There are puzzles riddling the landscape of Hylia just waiting for people like you and me to solve them... Link: But what's the point? It seems like your just doing un-needed work... Kid: Where have you been, under the rocks of the Gorons?!?!?! Rewards!! Rubies! You complete the puzzles right and you get a reward! Link: Ah, I see now... So how do we complete this one? Kid: WE CAN'T NOW! YOU PUSHED THE BOX INTO THE RIVER!!! Link: But I.... Kid: Shut up! I needed those rubies to feed my family!!! Link: But you look like your only five or six... Kid: I'm 42! Geez, maybe you get to age in this world but I'm stuck in this stupid child form forever!!! I've got a wife and four kids! Link: I'm sorry... I didn't know... Hey, might you be able to direct me to a fairy cave? Kid: You don't even know where to find fairies? When Nayru was handing out brains you were too busy ripping bushes up from the ground weren't you!!! Link: Well, yes, of course... There might be a chance to find hearts and items under there! Kid: Bah!!! Forget it, I don't feel like talking to you any more. I am getting dumber just listening to your incessant babbling... Link: But wait!!! Kid: No, forget it... (The "kid" walks off towards a small ranch muttering and grumbling something about Link and morons) Link: Well he wasn't very helpful... I'll have to look out for these "puzzle" things more often... _-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_ Link happened upon a kid who was struggling with some boxes. After ruining the puzzle by pushing one of the boxes in the river, the kid begins to insult Link and then walks off into the sunset. Link has managed to annoy yet another denizen of Hylia and also avoided helping his own quest along in any way. From Author X on 23.05.02, 22:57: Link groaned and kept looking for the fairy cave. Unfortunately, it was almost nightfall, and he had heard stories all the time about the horrible undead beasts that roamed the countryside in the dark, trying to steal the souls of those who strayed too far from the beaten path. Just as the sun set, a legion of skeletons rose from the ground and swarmed him. He screamed and started to run, but then realised they were barely moving at all, more like shuffling at a snails pace. He walked up to one and poked it before it could attack, and they entire mismatch of bones toppled to the ground and dissapeared. Another one snuck up behind him while he laughed and tried to hit him over the head, but its hand snapped off. "Ow! Hey, that hurts... sort of..." They continued to swarm him, but he just walked on, ignoring them and basicly walking over any that got in his way. He finally reached the road, and they stopped immediately and began hissing "the pattthhh! The pattthhh! We dare not treeead on the paaattthhh!" As they fled underground again, Link blinked and walked on "oookaay..." Just before going on, he accidently took one more step off the path and a hand grabbed his foot and tripped him. He heard an annoying snicker just underground before he got up and returned to the path. From Charcoal X on 24.05.02, 08:16: Link continued to walk down the path, trying to ignore the occasional underground noises coming from each side, until he eventually happen upon a cave opening. Dark and foreboding as it was, somebody had once attempted to cheer it up by positioning a large neon sign above the mouth, reading "Fairy Cave" in large red capitals. Underneath in smaller stylized blue tubing were the words "Bring your own net and jars". The age of the sign was shown by the ominous buzzing noise it emitted as it almost imperceptibly flickered. "Hmm," Link wondered aloud, "I wonder if there are any Fairies in that cave." He entered the cave and was surprised to be confronted with not the usual welcoming pool with the occasional fairy flitting gently across the top of it and beating her gossamer wings to create vibrant ripples on its surface, but with a long dark passageway. Link held up his microwave and opened the door, to be greeted with exactly what he expected, nothing. "So much for efficient cooking" he said desolately. Suddenly he was greeted by a familiar voice from behind him, he turned and was faced by the fairy he met at the castle sign. "What are you doing here" he said. "I was just keeping tabs on you. Any moron who comes this far without finding a fairy obviously needs all the help they can get, and I've come here to make sure you get one." "Right, well that's why I came into this fairy cave here, to look for some." "Hah. You won't find any here. The forces of evil are hollowing it out. It'll be a shopping mall by next Tuesday." "Mall? Why?" "They intend to undercut all the little vendors in the area. Most of them will be going under soon as it is, with the prices that they charge." Link licked his lips. "Will they have a food court?" "That's irrelevant. The point is that you're stupid coming into this hollow tunnel with no source of light. That's why you need a fairy to guide you." "I have a light source." He replied, holding up the microwave. The fairy let out a laugh and pointed at the device. "It's not even plugged in!" At this point link was beginning to get more than fed up with the fairy's approach, and so decided to try a new tactic. "I'll have you know that this is a new battery powered light source. The bulb is inside the box, but it's just come loose and I can't reach it to put it straight." He explained. "Useless. Completely useless. I'll do it for you." She said as she climbed inside the microwave box. Link firmly shut the door of the oven and exited the cave. "Another job well done," he said to himself, ignoring the frantic drumming on the glass door. Several minutes later Link arrives at the gates of Hyrule Castle, which currently has its gates closed and has a guard by the entrance. Link approaches the guard and greets him. "... ... ..." "Welcome to Hyrule castle," states the guard. "Yes, I can see that. Can you let me in?" "Welcome to Hyrule castle." "The gates are closed. Can you open them?" "Welcome to Hyrule castle." "Are you deaf, stupid or animatronic?!" shouted Link, grasping the 2x4 with the nail in like a baseball bat. "Welcome to Hyrule castle." Link screamed and stormed off, looking for an alternate entrance to the castle. --------------------------------------------------- Link manages to obtain a fairy. Link can't get in the castle, and so must find another way in. From Six on 24.05.02, 11:20: Link: Wait a minute.... I've played the Ocarina of Time!!! I know how to get in! (runs over to side of castle) Link: With such a fully interactive enviroment, you can problem solve just like in real life!!! (grabs a conscipously obvious vine hanging down from the castle) (It falls off the ledge it was hanging from and falls in a pile beside him) Link: **q*ing vine..... (runs over to the chain that holds the drawbridge up) (grabs it and starts to walk up it carefully) Guard (presses button): Welcome to Hyrule Castle! (an electric current runs through the chain and electrocutes Link) (the light in the microwave comes on) (Link falls in the moat) (Link runs up the slope, around the castle, and back to the drawbirdge) (Link is breathing hard and his eyes are filled with fire) Link: TELL ME THE WAY TO GET IN!!!! Guard: Welcome to Hyrule Castle. Link (runs around in a nervous breakdown): ARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!! (Stops and calms down as his eyes fall over a sign) The sign reads [Secret entrance this way] (points up) There is a hookshot post on a low part of the wall. Link: **Q* IT TO HELL!!! (hits the wall with his board with a nail in it) (Part of the wall falls away, creating an entrance into Hyrule Castle Town.) Link (blinking):..................... Link (to the microwave): You lied. I did it all by myself!! The microwave bangs back and forth wildly -------------------------------------------- After many hinderances and a minor nervous breakdown, Link manages to get in to the castle. without the fairy's help. From Cheeseman on 24.05.02, 18:05: *Link walks along and his stomach growls, not having eaten for a while. He walks over to a random person* Link: Hey, where can I find some food? Person: Slaughter one of those chic... I mean Cuccos. Link:Thanks! *Link attacks one of the chickens with his board and nail. A hoarde of cuccos fly at him. He hides in a shop that is nearby. He is bleeding heavily* From GoldenZora on 24.05.02, 18:41: "Hey kid! You got any money?!" "Um..*shows his five rupees* "Hah! get the hell out of my shop!" As soon as Link walked outside, he was jumped by 2 guys who had seen his rupees. As Link lay there on the ground, moneyless, he began to wonder, "Why I am I doing this again?" He got up and saw the two men running away. He yelled to the townsfolk, "Are you people BLIND? I was just mugged!" A peddler looked at him. "Stupid elf boy. Go buy some decent clothes why dontcha?!" "Why you.." Link was about to stuff his board down the peddler's throat when his microwave shook violently. "Okay,okay.." And so Link headed for the Castle. ------------------------------------------- Link's adventures in Hyrule Castle town. How joyful. Anf I figure I'd be right at home in this story. After all,my name is GoldenZora From Sinn on 25.05.02, 16:47: Now penniless, and half dead to boot, Link walks along and curses his bad luck. Link: "Ganon's taking over Hyrule, Ganon's taking over Hyrule..." Why didn't I just keep my **q*ing mouth shut? Fairy: (from inside the microwave) WHY DON'T YOU KEEP YOUR **Q*ING MOUTH SHUT NOW!!! Link: What? Fairy: LET ME OUT OF THIS THING!!! Link: I can't hear you...here, I'll open it up. As Link opens the microwave the fairy flops out, flying shakily. Fairy: Don't you EVER lock me inside a metal box again! Link: Geeze, sorry. But I needed a fairy and, well, I chose you. Fairy: You can't chose your own fairy! Fate has to give it to you! Link: That super-computer from Chrono Cross has to give me a fairy? Fairy: NO! What I mean is you can't just take ME! I'm the one who has to choose YOU! Link: Oh. (thinks for a second) Sorry? Fairy: *sigh* Of course, at this point you'd be doomed without me... Link: What do you mean by that? Fairy: Well, you're already in your first dngeon... Link: (surprised) Hyrule Castle Town is the first dungeon?! Fairy: Well, yeah. What, when you heard Ganon was taking over Hyrule you thought he'd do it slowly? This whole place is already infested with his minions. Link: (shutters) ugh, I hate onions! (the fairy starts to say something, but changes her mind) Why would Uncle Barney send me here if it's already so dangerous?? Fairy: Maybe because he's a sick, sadistic bastard? Anyway, if you want to make it through here and get to Ganon at the castle, you're going to need me. Link: Ok then, let's go. Link walks on with the fairy following close behind him. Link: By the way, what's your name? Fairy: I'll tell you in the next chapter. Link: Huh? Fairy: Just walk already... _-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_ And so, Link lets his fairy out of the microwave, and discovers that Hyrule Castle Town is actually the first dungeon in his quest (woohoo!). So now the fairy, who is yet to be named in the next chapter, and he walk through the streets, just waiting to get ambushed... From Six on 28.05.02, 09:58: (Meanwhile, in a random dark place, the very incarnation of all Evil holds a meeting with his most powerful followers, all with hearts blacker than the darkest night....) (Creeping half-visible shadows huddle into a circle, as if to escape from the sliver of light that divides them from an even darker shadow with glowing purple eyes that looks more evil than all of the others put together) Menacing Purple-eyed evil shadow (in a very scratchy, booming voice): AND NOW, MY FELLOW WORSHIPPERS OF ALL THAT DWELLS IN THE DARKESS OF NIGHT, MY FELLOW DOERS OF... uh... IMMORAL... STUFF..., WE SHALL START THIS MEETING IN THE TRADITIONAL MANNER..... (The Menacing Shadow steps into the sliver of light, to reveal its identity to be a sneering Ganon) (Ganon's face changes to a cheesy grin with his mouth open and his tongue hanging out) Ganon: WAAAAAAAASSSSSZZZZZZZZUUUUUUP? (The rest of the shadows follow Ganon's example) Onox: WAAAAAAAASSSSSZZZZZZZZUUUUUUP? Majora: WAAAAAAAASSSSSZZZZZZZZUUUUUUP? Aghanim: WAAAAAAAASSSSSZZZZZZZZUUUUUUP? Big Goron: WAAAAAAAASSSSSZZZZZZZZUUUUUUP? Twinrova: WAAAAAAAASSSSSZZZZZZZZUUUUUUP? Veran: WAAAAAAAASSSSSZZZZZZZZUUUUUUP? Great Moblin: WAAAAAAAASSSSSZZZZZZZZUUUUUUP? (Dark Link is sitting in the middle of the circle of huddled villains, with his eyes closed, trying to keep his hatred for his fellow evil-doers in check) Dark Link (slowly opens his eyes, which burn in contempt for the stupidity):.....didn't we agree not to do this anymore? (all the villains continue) Ganon: AAAAAHHHHHH..... Onox: AAAAAHHHHHH..... Majora: AAAAAHHHHHH..... Aghanim: AAAAAHHHHHH..... Big Goron: AAAAAHHHHHH..... Twinrova: AAAAAHHHHHH..... Veran: AAAAAHHHHHH..... Great Moblin: AAAAAHHHHHH..... (Dark Link stands up and turns around in a quick circle, slapping the face of every villains except Ganon in the process [Since he was outside the huddle]) (all the villains stop) Ganon (scratchy, booming voice): FOOLISH MOR... (clears throat) Ganon (now with his normal voice, which sounds almost like Richard Simmons', but with a heavy southern drawl): Foolish mortal! You dare silence the minions of the great Ganon? (Dark Link smacks Ganon on the back of his head with the flat of his blade [a REAL sword, BTW]) Ganon: Dark Link! You shall pay for your insolence! and..... uh...... stuff.... (Dark Link whaps Ganon's head again) Ganon (whining and rubbing his head): ahhhhhhhh.... Come on, just cause you're the only PROFICIENT bad guy doesn't mean you have to ruin our fun... Dark Link (walks over to the silver of light): Its not just that. Majora: What is it then? Dark Link (throws open the door): I just despise you for your stupidity, that's all. (all the villains scream in agony as light pours in from the open door, revealing that everyone is crouching on the bathroom floor of Ganon's fortress) Dark Link (looks at the villains squirming around on the floor): Cut the act. (kicks Ganon in the gut) Get up. (everyone gets up) Onox: well, there went our atmosphere... Dark Link: ATMOSPHERE? Burning corpses impaled on poles and a window that looks out onto a valley of skulls, THAT'S what I call atmosphere! Big Goron: What do think our CG Cutscene Department is? SquareSoft? Dark Link (turns to the Big Goron): And what the hell are you doing here? You're not even a bad guy! (the Big Goron shrugs) Ganon (winces and rubs stomach): You know, we just want to have some fun... Dark Link: WE AREN'T HERE TO HAVE FUN!!! We are here to kill that fairy boy and kidnap Zelda! Aghanim: What? Link is gay? (Dark Link backhands Aghanim) Ganon: That WAS pretty stupid, Aghanim. Dark Link (turns to Ganon): For a person that likes to romp through meadows and chase butterflies, you shouldn't be talking! Ganon (sheepishly): So then what am I supposed to do then? Dark Link: I don't know... how about mercilessly torture and interrogate innocents for information that will help you plan the demise of your greatest enemy?????? Ganon (eyes go wide): You have gone too far.... Link doesn't seem to be that bad of a guy.... (Dark Link throws up his hands in the air and screams) Dark Link (now dangerously calm): If you'll excuse me... Veran (blinking): Where are you going? Dark Link: To wallow in my self-hatred for joining a pack of dipsticks. That is, until you fools are ready to discuss kidnapping Zelda. (leaves) Twinrova Head #1: What's his problem? Twinrova Head #2: Who cares? EVERYBODY MAMBO!!! (And meanwhile, the Real Link has problems of his own...) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ In this chapter, Dark Link is revealed to be the ONLY competent villain, and very well equipped, as compared to our hero. He also has a burning hared for every other boss. As for the other bosses, they are revealed to be complete and utter idiots. Please note that this does not NECESSARILY mean that they can't fight. And the next item on their agenda (right after the conga line and pinata, of course) is kidnapping Princess Zelda. But back to Link.... From Charcoal X on 28.05.02, 17:34: (Link is walking through the castle, which was allegedly his first dungeon. The first room from the entrance is a small ante-chamber with pine flooring, expensive furnishings and some small works of modern art on the walls.) Link: Some dungeon this is, no guards, no torches, not even a weird skeleton that pops up when I'm least expecting it. Fairy: Don't even go there. You know as soon as you say that someone will jump you from the next corner. Link: C'mon, no situation would use something that cliché. You talk like this is some low budget slasher flick. Anyway, that's not my point. A real dungeon should have flickering torches, not florescent tubes. (He points at the wall in distaste at the cheap mini-tubes on each side of the door) Fairy: Listen stupid, this is a dungeon. When enemies come at you screaming they won't give a **q* if the room they're in is rough hewn rock or tasteful pine décor with chrome trimmings. Stay alert and quit complaining. Link: Okay, okay, it's just considering what I went through to get here the whole thing is so... so... (Link screams and swings his board at the casing of one of the lighting fixtures. It comes of and the two tubes fall out on the floor, miraculously unbroken.) Fairy (Annoyed): Calm down! This was supposed to be a subtle entrance. So far you've broken down the main castle wall, shouted out over the whole town about 5 lousy rupees and now you have a vendetta against illumination all of a sudden. Link: You're right. Sorry, it's just this whole quest from the beginning is **q*ed up beyond belief. (He bends over and pockets the tubes.) Link: Well I guess this delightful room of the dungeon is gonna be empty. On to the next room, where I shall prove my heroism to all. Fairy: Yeah right. (He opens the door and heads down the stairs beyond it) (The next room in the dungeon could not be more different. Its walls are made of rough blocks of stone and the air is damp. There appears to be a large bottomless pit in the center and several chests around the room, including one important looking chest on a pedestal. The overall appearance is somewhat ruined by a bank of electrical sockets on the far wall (these cannot be seen at the moment). The only light is that filtering from the doorway) Link: Yeah, this is what I'm talking about! Fairy (Tapping walls): Fiberglass Link: So what? Ruin my illusion why don't you. This is the sorta dungeon heroes are made in, and if Ganon is too cheap to use real stone then it's not gonna stop me from using some real guts against him. (The fairy is hovering in mid air looking unimpressed) Link: Time to use my magical light source to penetrate this dark domain! Fairy: Cut with the dramatics. You still haven't plugged the damn thing in. Link: Okay then. Umm... can you provide some magical fairy lights to guide me through this pit? Fairy: Sure, whatever. (The fairy pulls a slim case and a Zippo out of her pocket and lights it. It provides enough light to see a torch set into the floor, which she lights in addition to a cigarette from the case) Link: Woah! Don't you know that's bad for you? Plus it sinks right into stuff like fiberglass. They'll have to clean the walls and everything you know. Fairy: Enough with the morals. I'm a magical being. The only thing that's bad for my health is hanging around with morons for an extended time. (A large group of green and blue armored palace guards storm in through side doors and draw their large steel swords) Fairy: And that of course. Guard Captain: Stop in the name of the Castle Guard. Link: **q* Captain: I'm putting you (points at Link) under arrest for breaking and entering, causing an affray, criminal damage, carrying a really pathetic weapon without a license, wearing stupid clothes, trespass on private property, treason and complaining about the décor in a royal residence. And you (points at fairy) are accountable as an accomplice to all of the above and also; smoking in a public place, aiding and abetting and flying without a Civil Aviation license or constant radio contact with a ground station. (He turns and points at two of his Corporals) Captain: Book 'em boys! (Whilst the Captain has been reading off of his Big Book of Crimes list Link sneeks round to the bank of electrical sockets and jacks the microwave in propped at an angle against the wall. He deposits the two florescent tubes from his pocket into the oven and hits the switch) Link (whispering to fairy): Hah! I saw this on a film once. The oven will blow up destroying them all and letting us escape! (It doesn't) Link: **q* (A blinding light comes out of the front of the microwave, as bright as a searchlight, and illuminates the whole area. The guards raise the visors on their helmets and rub their eyes) Link: Wait. I have an idea now! Fairy: Hooray. Mr. MENSA has another plan to save us all. What'll it be this time, turning a rubber duck into nitroglycerin? Link: Nope. Can you sing? Fairy: What! Link: Sing. Can you? Fairy: A little I guess. Why? (Link stands in the glow of the microwave window, his board held in his hands like a guitar. He looks up off screen and shouts) Link: Hey! You! Background music guy! (There is a sound like an orchestra coming to a stop in a series of screeches and wails, which is exactly what it is. A polite British voice comes back.) Off Screen: Yes? Link: Enough of the London Symphony Orchestra crap. Gimme something upbeat. Think Broadway musical style. Off Screen: I'll see what I can do. (The music starts and Link brandishes the board like a foil and goes into a melodramatic 'en guard' stance, the guards look at him unsure of what to do) Link (mid-range. A little deeper than mezzo-soprano): I'm Hyrule's greatest hero! Fairy (soprano): You're nothing but a zero. Link: I can handle my sword like a master of fencing. Fairy: That's just a board, your mind must need mending. (Link charges at the guards, one of the Corporals meets his challenge. They stage fence as link sings.) Link: Watch me dodge, slash and parry. Watch me feint, lure and riposte. Fairy: I still can't believe I'm a part of this cheap Broadway rip-off. Guard (baritone): I'll just slice your board, it won't be that hard. Link: Yes but we'll just stage fight 'till I catch you off guard. (Link whacks guard upside the head with the board and he falls to the floor) Link: I'm an agile master of all forms of combat (Enters martial arts pose) Fairy: He's a tough talking moron with brains of a wombat. (Link 'blocks' a further stage slash from a second guard with his paper plate and uppercuts the guard as he picks up from the slash. He spins his board like a small quarterstaff whilst tapping his feet furiously and hits two further guards watching his antics in awe.) Link: My skills will sure save us from this cruel duress. Fairy: Okay I admit it, I'm slightly impressed. Link: My tactics are awesome, I weave, dive and duck. Fairy: So long as you're winning I don't give a **q*. (At this point the music switches to an Irish 'Riverdance' type theme. Link taps like a lunatic towards the guards, who form a line and follow suit. Link breaks the beat and jams his board between the legs of the leftmost guard, who falls over with the inevitable domino effect, leaving a tangled mass of armored figures. The guards all flash with a strange light and disappear from view. The music returns to a slower version of the song start.) Fairy: Your skill has shone through, this battle has ended. Link: They fell for my ploy, that's what I intendedddddd. (Fades with music) (Link and the fairy embrace and kiss as the microwave finally overheats and shoots fireworks into the air. The room is returned to the comparative darkness of the torchlight and the fairy's cigarette, which she throws into the pit.) ---------------------- Link has beaten a load of guards in a room with several chests in it. Big musical number. The microwave has been destroyed. From Andrusi on 28.05.02, 20:05: (Link continues walking onward, and encounters a small kitten in his path.) Link: Uh oh! It's a evil demon cat! Fairy: ...No it's not. Link: A monster in disguise? Fairy: Uh, no. Link: A baby lion who will call its parents? Fairy: Nope. Link: Then it must be-- Fairy: IT'S AN ORDINARY HARMLESS KITTEN! Link: Well, um, I better not let it cross my path or I'll get bad luck! Fairy: It's a GRAY kitten, you idiot. Link: Then what the **q* is it doing there? Fairy: Why don't you ask it? Link: Huh? Fairy: Kitten, what are you doing here? Kitten: Hello, you must be LINK. Please do not disturb me, I am trying to sleep. Link: ...Did that cat just talk? Fairy: Look, just forget it. Obviously the kitten isn't going to do anything. Link: Fine then. (Link begins to step over the kitten and collides with an invisible wall. He glances around, puzzled, tries again, and gets the same result.) Link: What's up with this? Kitten: Hello, you must be LINK. Please do not disturb me, I am trying to sleep. Fairy: What's your problem? Link: There's something blocking me from stepping over the kitten. Some kind of invisible wall. Fairy: Idiot. (flies towards the kitten) There is no (SMACK!) Link: I told you so. Fairy: That's strange. Let's just go around. (They try this and fail. They try the other side and fail.) Spock: It seems that this kitten is projecting a force field of some sort that turns it into an impassable barrier. (The fairy pokes Spock in the back. He turns around and she shoves him into a convenient bottomless pit.) Spock: ILLOGICAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaallllllll....(bang!) Link: This is getting to be stupid. Kitten: Hello, you must be LINK. Please do not disturb me, I am trying to sleep. Link: Shut up. Kitten: Hello, you must be LINK. Please do not disturb me, I am trying to sleep. Link: THAT'S IT!!! (draws the board) Fairy: I don't think that's such a good-- (Link swings the board at the kitten. It bounces off and hits Link in the forehead (not with the nail). A large cartoony bump forms.) Fairy: Never mind. Kitten: Hello, you must be LINK. Please do not disturb me, I am trying to sleep. Link: Oww... Well, maybe there's another way around. Fairy: Oh, yeah, and that hallway will be blocked by an old soda can! --- Link has encountered a kitten which somehow takes up the entire graphical block it sits on in all three dimensions, thus forming an impassable barrier. Which is very common in RPGs. Link also has a bump on his forehead. Spock has appeared and died. From Charcoal X on 28.05.02, 22:10: (Link has so far given up on trying to sidestep the impassible kitten and is retracing his steps along the Castle dungeons) Fairy: Stupid fuzzy kittens and their 3D forcefields. Link: Some philosopher once said something about an irresistible force meeting an immovable object. Fairy: Steady on with the philosophical quotes Link. Link: Maybe it has a forcefield generator built in and we can only attack its death machine after beating eight powerful robots which hold keys to it. Fairy: Wrong game dumbass. Link: You won't be saying that when they jump out with their powerful weapons and individual weaknesses. Fairy: Whatever. How are you planning on getting round this kitten? Link: Well I was thinking of going back to the room with the pit and the chests and opening them until I find a clue. Fairy: No way. Last time we paid a visit there we ended up bursting into song. You never even explained what the **q* that was all about. Especially the finale. Link: It wasn't about anything. Everybody knows that musical interludes have no effect on the plot. The entire principal of grand opera relies on it you know. Fairy: You're surprisingly cultured in a completely ignorant way, you know. Anyway, if I had any desire to see fat people singing in Italian then I'd be appearing in a different series of games. (By this stage in the conversation they have arrived at the original room with the pit and chests) Fairy: We're here now. And if any more guards show up then you just beat the **q* out of them without resorting to folk dancing. Link: They won't be back. They've had a taste of the Lord of the Dance and if they want more then... Fairy: Shut up. Go do something useful like crate opening. (Link goes round opening the chests and uncovering small items, including a small cartoon heart which magically cures the bump on his head and other minor wounds and a total of 30 rupees. He reaches the chest on the pedestal and tries to open it.) Link: It's locked. I guess we need to trek through endless rooms to find a key for this damn thing. After all that! And the kitten! (Link screams and whacks the chest with his board, which promptly splits into two rough halves with sharpened ends. He screams again out of despair and sits down beside the crate with the two halves in his hands.) Link: I'm gonna go home and whack my uncle upside the head with these two half boards! Fairy: Well at least open the chest. It could contain something useful, like a weapon or staff or something. Link: It's the first dungeon. It won't be anything useful, probably some shoddy short range projectile weapon like a boomerang. Besides, incase you hadn't noticed, we need a key. Fairy: Useless... (She pulls a hairgrip out of her hair and slots it into the lock, 10 seconds later the crate is opened.) Link: I'm impressed. How did you do that in such little time? Fairy: The castle locks are such high quality I could pick them with a plastic spork. Now do you want whatever wonderful piece of kit is inside or not? Link: Sure. I'll bet it's their weapon supply chest for the guards or something. Might even get a replacement piece of wood. (He looks inside the chest. There is one long box, marked "Hyrule Castle Sports Supplies" and underneath that "Contents - 1 x Taylor Turfmaster 5 Iron, 10 x MaxFli golf balls") Link: Woohoo! A golf club. Now I can strike fear into the hearts of my enemies and play 18 holes before lunch. Fairy: Steady on Tiger. You can't even handle a piece of wood without breaking it. Link: Yes, but now I have right on my side and carbon-steel across my back. Besides, these are guaranteed not to break or your money back. Fairy: I bet the guys who made your microwave said it was guaranteed not to blow up and leave a great gaping hole in the fiberglass wall too, but look what happened to that. Link: Yes, but that was due to exceptional usage. And... Wait a minute! What gaping hole? Fairy: Over there. (points) Right near that gaping hole in the wall. Link: Woah. I must've opened up a secret passageway with my skillfully placed explosion. (They walk along the newly formed passageway. Halfway down the path Link suddenly runs into another invisible wall.) Link: What the **q* was that?! (He and the fairy look down and see and old soda can on the floor.) Fairy: I hate it when I'm right. Link: According to the game guide, immovable obstacles can sometimes be removed with a projectile weapon. Fairy: How convenient. (Link drops a golf ball on the floor and drives it squarely down the corridor. It sails straight over the soda can and lands on the other side.) Fairy (sarcastically): Nice shot. (The can suddenly flashes and disappears.) Link: All the fun of 2D block based golf. I don't even have to try. Fairy: I really hope that wasn't you trying. Now let's do a repeat of that trick on that damn kitten. Link: I can't take pot shots at kittens. That's just cruel. Fairy: Try to think of it as a furry obstruction on the green. Link: But it could be helpful later on in our quest for whatever it is we're doing. Fairy: Unlike some people. Link: Well I'm sure the quest will unravel as we continue. Let's just trash the boss of this dungeon and get out of here. (They enter into a small chamber with three doors. One of them has a lighted sign above it reading 'EXIT', the second has a sign on it reading 'Boiler Room' and the third and centermost door has no written sign at all, but a large skull insignia cast in bronze above the handles.) Fairy: Well? Time to take your pick. ------------ Link has managed to break his trusty piece of wood. He now has two smaller bits of wood with sharp ends and one loose nail. He also has a golf club and 9 golf balls. He is standing outside three doors. From Six on 29.05.02, 17:20: (Loud Applause) That music saga was a work of art, Charcoal. [tear] From Charcoal X on 29.05.02, 23:20: (Link has wisely [or unwisely?] chosen the center doorway, the one with the skull motif cast upon it. He walks bravely into the room brandishing his golf club like a battleaxe.) Link: I am the mighty warrior Link. Kneel before my almighty Iron of Fives, insolent knave! Fairy: Um yeah, about that. Link: About what? Fairy: I doubt that they'll be doing any kneeling today, on the basis that THE ROOM IS EMPTY! (The room is empty. It's a large stone hallway with green carpeting down the center and a huge oil lamp hanging from the ceiling. There are also several torches in brackets. All are unlit, as the room is illuminated by the same cheap florescent fixings as before.) Link: AHA! An invisible boss. I'll face up to him and take him down. I'll kick his ass from here to Lake Hylia. (He swings his golf club around in empty air) Bring it on! Bring it on!!! (There is a slurping noise from the doorway.) Dark Link: You gonna bark all day little doggy, or are you gonna bite? (Dark Link steps out of the shadows to reveal that he is not just a shade of Link, but an almost exact copy. He is wearing a black suit with a slim black tie and expensive looking sunglasses. He is also carrying a foam cup of some fast food chain's soft drink and slurping occasionally through the straw.) Link: What?! Dark Link: I said you gonna bark all day little doggy, or are you gonna bite? Link: I thought you were just a side of me, a shadow. Dark Link: The truth is I am much more than you. I can look like whatever I want within reasonable reference to you. The only reason I don't look exactly like you is because I possess a little something called dress sense. Link: There's nothing wrong with green. It goes well with... with... Dark Link: Shut it! Aren't you even going to ask what my evil plan is? Link: Um. Sure. A plan. Evil, right? Dark Link (smoothly, but arrogantly): I don't know why I even bothered tracking you down. I'm planning to kidnap Zelda and rule both this world and the Dark World with an iron fist. (slurps from drink) In fact I can't even be bothered to kill you. I'll just throw a couple of guards in here and lock this door. From the outside. (Dark Link begins to stride towards the exit.) Link: Right, that's it. This son of a bitch is going down! Fairy: Link, no! That's Dark Link. He's invincible. People have emptied entire quivers at him and hit nothing but empty air. He's too strong for you at the moment. And did you see that damn great knife he had holstered on his belt?! Link: There is no knife. (He drops a golf ball onto the carpet) Link (shouting): Hey *q*hole! Dark Link (calmly): Yes? Link: You think you're so intelligent and stuff? Dark Link (smugly): In comparison to present company I'd have to say yes. (Link raises the golf club behind him. His muscles tense and a really neat starburst effect shines off of the tungsten head. Dark Link Notices this but is oblivious to the golf ball and so continues smirking.) Link: Good. Can you tell me the square root of 16? I have a bet on with my friend here. Dark Link: Sixteen? That's easy. Link: Heh. You don't know it. Dark Link: Of course I do! Link: Yeah right. Dark Link: I know the damn answer, okay?! Link: What is it then wonder boy? (Dark Link yells out the answer) (Link grins and swings the club towards the ball. We see it moving as if it were falling through a vat of treacle. It impacts straight on the golf ball and compresses it into a neat hemisphere, which then extends as the shot follows through.) (Dark Link looks on in shock and begins to slowly bend backwards as the ball extends from the club face in a football shape and gracefully soars through the air. The only clue given to its real speed is the faint shockwaves of air forming a trail around it, like the tail of a comet. By this stage Dark Link is nearly fully backwards, with one hand on the floor to support his weight as the ball shoots mere inches across his head.) (Time returns to its normal speed as the ball ricochets off of the wall behind Dark Link and smashes through the ceramic reservoir below the enormous oil lamp overhead, drenching him.) Dark Link (spluttering and standing up): Just for that I'm going to kill you in a very painful way. (He draws his knife) This suit was hand tailored in Rome, and you've made a fool of me in your own pathetic way! (Link drops the club in fear and stands awaiting Dark Link. All of a sudden the fairy lands beside Dark Link and snaps the cover back on her Zippo. She holds the wick about an inch away from Dark Link's forehead and grants him a fleeting smile.) Fairy (sweetly): Dodge this. (She flicks the wheel) (There is a slight delay and a huge ball of flame erupts from the lamp oil drenched Dark Link. He lets out a scream and runs for the exit, trailing smoke.) Fairy: I get the feeling he'll be back. Link: Hopefully with a better suit than this time. Fairy: Yeah. Hopefully not an asbestos one though, Link: Now we just have to stop his goons from reaching Zelda and foil his plan to unite the two worlds under his rule. Fairy: You make it sound simple. (They walk out of the door and Link notices that the 'Exit' door nearby has been opened in a hurry. He looks at the sign reading 'Use only in the event of a fire' and smiles dryly.) Fairy: To the throne room? Link: To the throne room! ------------ Link has had his first brush with Dark Link, and won... for now. They learn of park of Dark Link's evil plan but so far don't know any details. They are heading to the throne room to find out more. Other Notes: The fairy and height: In 'Zelda: A Link to the Past' there seemed to be two sorts of fairies, the small ones which could be trapped in a bottle, and the larger ones which only cured you on the spot. Also in some fan art there appears to be the same fairy pictured both perched on a flower and also almost as tall as Link. To avoid any potential plotholes I figure that the fairy can choose to go between sizes at will, except when trapped in the microwave of course. So in this chapter above and the musical chapter earlier I had the fairy pictured as her 'human' (just shorter than Link) size. Other chapters can feature the fairy as they see fit. Let me know if you agree with this one, as I found it makes the fairy much more versatile as a character. Sorry about what's effectively a double post. I just wanted to get to the end of this dungeon, so that the quest can continue in a more open environment. And a big thanks for the kind review Six. From Author X on 30.05.02, 00:56: As Dark Link stormed through the hallway, having finally jumped in what seemed like a small pool and then yanked through the entire castle's drainage system, he became aware he was being watched. "You got whooped!" "Shut up." A mask materialized next to the evil figure and followed him. "They kicked your sorry **Q!" "Shut up." A lanky, robed body formed behind the mask, "You should have seen the look on your face whe-!" "SHUT UP AND TAKE OFF THAT STUPID MASK!" He suddenly stopped and snatched the mask away, throwing it away from Majora and against the wall, and revealing a thin, pale face with slightly bucked teeth. "But I like tha mask!" he whined, reaching down and picking it up as Dark Link stormed angrily onwards. "Oh, get over yourself!" "This mask almost beat Link all by itself!" "It's not my fault you gave him the ability to turn into a super-powerful magical warrior, you moron!" Majora had picked up the mask and was hurrying to catch up to the evil being. "Oh yeah? Well I never noticed an entire occult tribe worshipping you!" Dark Link stopped again and turned around, throwing his arms up in exasperation, "NOONE CARES ABOUT THAT ANYMORE! THAT WAS THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO! Face it, all you have to brag about is a civilization that's so long dead noone has heard of it and how your mask lost because of how much of an idiot you are!! And why won't this **Q*ing hallway end?!" "Oh, that." The wizard snapped his fingers and the space in front of and behind them changed, revealing the fact that the hallway had only been a few feet long and repeating. He grinned haugtily. "I hate it when you do that... and please don't make me see any more of those things you call teeth than I need to." The wizard grimaced and put the mask back on, then quickly faded out of sight again. ----------- Majora is revealed to be a geek and a loser, although he is a profficient wizard. He likes to use his magic to generally be annoying. From Cheeseman on 30.05.02, 18:17: (Link and the fairy end up at the room blocked by the cat.) Fairy: Link, just hit the cat with the golf ball, or I'll have to do it! Link: No! it is mean! (The fairy gets an agry look on her face. She pulls the golf club and the ball from Links grip, and hits the ball at the cat. The cat gets up and lets out a roar as load as a lions. It begins to glow and transform into a tiger) Kitty: That was NOT nice! Link: Told yah so. (The tiger leaps at the fairy. The fairy gets out of the way just in time, and then link leaps at the tiger, with no real battle strategy) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The fairy injures the kitty with a golf ball, and then it transforms into a large tiger, ready for battle. From Charcoal X on 30.05.02, 18:26: (Meanwhile, the throne room of Hyrule Castle has now been turned into the War Room. The King is sitting tensely on his throne awaiting reports of the battle currently going on between the Castle Guard and the forces of evil [as Ganon/Dark Link's minions have only so far succeeded in taking over the Castle Town and surrounding lands, not the Castle itself, owing to the numerous Castle Guards]. There are guards standing on all the doorways and around the side of the room, also present are the new Captain of the Castle Guard standing nervously by a pile of maps of the castle, a telephone operator wearing a headset plugged into a large red telephone and a mechanic screwing extra reinforcements onto the main doors. Suddenly there is a large explosion from outside the castle which blows the Throne Room windows in and throws the King to the floor.) Captain: What the hell happened? Mechanic: Someone appears to have detonated an incendiary device immediately adjacent to us. Operator: We are receiving some sort of incoming transmission. Captain: What!? Operator: It's a pity we don't have a main screen to turn on. We're only getting audio. (There is a sound like a warp opening and Aghanim appears floating in the middle of the room.) Captain: It's you! Aghanim: How are you doing gentlemen? It appears that your main center of operations is now in our possession. You are quite definitely on the way to destruction. Captain: What are you insinuating? Aghanim: You have a miniscule chance of surviving, so feel free to take your time. Ha ha ha ha... (He pronounces each 'ha') (Aghanim waves his hands and a large number of the boar-like infantry that inhabit the Dark World appear) Operator: Captain, do something! Captain (to guards): Take out every pig! (To Aghanim) My men are well trained; they know what they're doing. (The guards rush the Dark World infantry) Captain: We will persevere, for we are fighting for the greater justice! (A short battle occurs and soon the Castle is fully under the control of the Dark World forces, aside from three valiant figures fighting their way towards the throne room. The King is injured and now a prisoner of Aghanim.) ------------ Okay, so I couldn't resist the chance to rip-off a way overused video game joke. The Castle is now under the control of Aghanim, who has captured the King. It's unknown if he is working independently of Dark Link or not at present. That's about it. Only a select few stand between the Dark Forces and complete conquest now. From Charcoal X on 31.05.02, 13:14: [This was intended as an extension to the short paragraph of mine above, so take it as a straight continuation, as opposed to the logical step of throwing vegetables at me] (Back in Corridor: Link is very quickly thrown against the wall with one massive slash by the tiger, and falls to the floor.) Fairy (sweetly): Oh Mister Tiger... (The tiger turns and glares at her.) Fairy: I don't mean to sound like the stereotypical female here but... (She begins to glow around the edge with crawling lines of raw magic. Her eyes look like apertures straight into the heart of a supernova.) Fairy (Shouting): You made me break my **q*ing fingernail you **q*ing *q*hole!!!! (The tiger's glare turns from that of a demented killing machine into that of a small mountain deer attempting to stare out the headlamps of an 18 wheeler bearing down on it at 50 miles-an-hour. It freezes in its tracks and lets out a small mew before turning straight back into the kitten and running past the fairy and out of the corridor.) (Link has run ahead and up a stairwell to get away from the impending destruction. Finally he arrives at a door, which is heavily fortified and has a crown inset on each pane.) Link (to self): Crap. No lock, can't knock it down. Barricaded by the look of it. (The fairy walks up the stairs after him, looking flustered but happy. She is still crackling a little with magic but at least her eyes are back to normal.) Fairy: Need any help? Link: Got all that destruction outta your system yet? Fairy: Nah. I let it go. I have bigger fish to fricassee. Besides I'm saving it for later. Link: Later? Fairy (turning to door): Yeah. Like now! (Cut to Throne Room: Aghanim is standing victorious with his army, which has been reduced to ten remaining members) Aghanim: Now for my next trick. Opening the seal of the seven wise men and thus securing victory! (He pulls out a bomb, lights the long fuse on the end of it with his fingers and prepares to throw it toward the magic seal, which is at the opposite end of the throne room to the blown out window.) (The operator and mechanic, who hid from the battle, are frantically trying to reconnect the telephone whilst hiding underneath a desk towards the side of the room) (Suddenly the Throne Room doors burst inwards in a blast of magic and Link and the fairy stride through.) Link: Time's up Aghanim! Aghanim (laughing): Who's gonna stop me elf boy? You? Hah! Fairy: Nope. They are. (She waves her arms and ten guards come back to life in a daze. The magic from her hands makes the room flicker with a green-white light, making the scene look like a '60s KodaChrome TV broadcast.) Aghanim: Evidently you weren't here for the last battle. Those guys got whooped. (The fairy waves her arms and all the weapons from the dark world infantry rise in the air and disappear. Unfortunately the same happens to the Castle Guards. The fairy is too intoxicated with power to notice. Link runs to back them up.) (One of the castle guards makes his way to a chest and pulls out a Power Glove, which he puts on. The mechanic has managed to successfully reconnect the telephone, and the operator is listening through his headset.) Operator (to mechanic): We've got through to the descendant of one of the wise men. He wants to know what's happening. (The mechanic looks over the desk.) Mechanic: The light world and dark world sides are squaring up. Aghanim steps up. And he's thrown a bomb straight at the seal. It's going to hit! It's heading straight to the seal. It's a straight hit! (The mechanic puts on a spare headset so he can relay this straight to the descendant on the other end of the line.) Operator: It's definitely going to hit! No wait! (The guard wearing the power glove leaps across and catches the bomb just before it hits the seal.) Save! Save! Mechanic: Brilliant save! Operator: He passes across to Wilson (one of the guards). Wilson receives. Passes to Stiles. Stiles plays it up the room towards Charlton. Oh! Tackle from Overath. The Dark World has the bomb. Mechanic: Overath to Seeler. Seeler attempts a pass to Held. Moore claims the pass. Operator: Moore has control. He dribbles up the room. Gently takes it around Haller and Seeler. He's taken it past two more. True skill here. True skill from Moore. Mechanic: Yes, but the fuse has been burning for a while here. I doubt they have much time left. Wait! Overath takes the bomb again, takes a long shot down-room. It's heading for the seal again. Operator: Not a chance. Ball intercepts the bomb. Centers to Link. The young elf really has a chance to prove himself now. And... (Link stops the bomb with his chest, lets it drop to the floor and kicks it towards the Aghanim. It goes too high and bounces off of the curtain rail above the window.) Mechanic: It's off the curtain rail! Is that in? Did that cross the line? Operator: I don't think it did. Some of the citizens of Hyrule are heading into the room. They think it's all over! (Aghanim picks up the bomb and prepares to throw it once again, but by this stage the fuse has fully burnt through.) Aghanim (smells the charring primer coming off of the bomb): **q* (The bomb explodes, throwing Aghanim backwards through the blown-in window frame.) Mechanic: It is now! Sahasrahla (on other end of phone): What the **q* are you guys talking about? Operator: Nothing. Just the game, man. Just the game. ------------ Aghanim has been blown out of the Castle Window. The fairy has revealed herself to be quite a powerful magic user, but only when provoked. And she's currently drained for now. Side note: The names of the guards and dark world denizens are all fictional. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, must be all in your mind. From Cheeseman on 31.05.02, 21:07: Link:Where is Zelda? Guard:You'd think we'd keep a princess here during a war? We kept her in a safe house. You need the three medallions to enter. The Cheddar Medallion, the Swiss Medalion, and the Limburger Medallion. Link: Great, more of the quest... Couldn't we just use explosives to break open the door? Guard: We only have Middle Age technology. Our bombs are to weak. Link:Figures... Well, could you tell me were to find them? Guard: Go to town, you might learn something. Link:That isn't much help at all... Well, let's head east! Fairy: The town is to the west... Link: To the EAST!!! ------------------- Link has to get the medallions to find Zelda. Clues are supposedly at the town. Link has to go to town, heads the wrong way. From Insomniac on 04.06.02, 16:09: Having trudged endlessly through what appears to be a pixellated forest the fairy finally snaps and turns to scream at Link. "I am fed up with this! I am not wasting my time following a moron who doesn't know East from West and whose idea of winning a fight is playing golf or singing until the opposition surrender!" Fairy is about to march away and leave Link still bewildered on the path when see sees a woodcutter stood in front of a cottage further down the path. She grabs a dazed Link by the arm and starts dragging him towards the cottage. Link still confused by the fairy's rampage allows himself to be pulled down the path without question. From Author X on 05.06.02, 17:47: As they approached the woodcutter, they noticed he was just standing in front of a tree, looking at it. "Hey mister, is anything wrong?" "I can't find my saw." "Um... okay... so why aren't you looking for it?" "I could give you some great lumber if I could chop down this tree, but I don't know where my saw is." "But I don't need any lumber." "I sure wish I had my saw, then I could cut down this tree." "Er... yes..." "If someone were to retrieve my saw, I would probably reward them." "Ya, ya, lumber, I got it." "I sure hope my saw isn't rusty, I wouldn't be able to make any lumber if it was." "Ask me if I care." "I can't find my saw." Link and the fairy began backing away from the woodcutter, "Sure, we're just... going to go over here now." Once a safe distance from the cottage, the fairy turned to Link again. "Look, let's just go west already. I'm fed up with your idiocy, and you're going to do exactly what I say from now one, OKAY?!" "I never realised how little clothing you fairies actually wear underneath that glow." The fairy smacked him, very hard. "That's it, I don't have to listen to you! I'm heading west, and there's nothing you can do about it" As he began to trudge in the direction they had come from, she started to say something else, then thought better of it and just followed him in quiet fury. They finally reached the village, and the first thing Link noticed was the game shop. His eyes lit up, and he ran inside. The fairy, still rather annoyed, floated over to a carpenter. "What are you working on?" "I'm out of lumber." "What?" "If only I had some lumber, I could make a giant, hollow, wooden gecko." "What?" "I sure wish I had some wood, I could give you a great hollow, wooden gecko if I did." "Why in the world would I need one of those!?" "If only I had some lumber to make it with, I would gladly give any giant wooden geckos I made to someone who helped me make it." "Why in the world would you want to make it in the first place?" "I'm out of lumber." "**Q* it!" Inside the game shop, Link was having some trouble. "No, no, no, you have to stand on one leg while firing at the target." "But you keep **Q*ing throwing bombs at me!" "Ya, you're supposed to dodge them while still staying in the 2 foot by 4 foot playing area." "And I can't see any targets!" "They're in the room next door. You have to ricochet the arrow off the sheilds on the sides of those moving mine carts." "What mine carts?" "You can't see them until that swarm of cuccos moves over to the side a little. Anyway, as I was saying, you need to ricochet it so it goes through that little peep-hole in the wall over there." "And once more, what do I get if I do all this?" "It's a secret, I can't tell you unless you want to stop practicing and play for real." Link sighed. "Oh, all right, I'll play. How much?" "Five rupees for as many plays as you like." "Hang on a second." Link ran outside, there was a splintering sound, and he ran back in with a blue rupee. "Now, what am I playing for?" "Um... I found a rusty saw in the woods a few weeks ago. Let me go get it, I think I left it out in the back yard." ------------------- Upon reaching the town, Link and the fairy split up. It also seems we find the one aspect of the LoZ games that was missing... the trading game! First he needs to win a near-impossible game to get the rusty saw that was left outside for a few weeks and find a way to make it usefull again, then he needs to get it to the woodcutter so he can get some lumber, then he can give the lumber to the carpenter, who has offered to make a giant, hollow, wooden gecko out of it. From Cheeseman on 06.06.02, 15:55: *As Link tries to hit the targets, the fairy enters to see what Link is doing.* Fairy: Are you wasting your time playing an impossible to beat game? Link:It isn't impossible if my plan works. *Link grabs the fairy, ties her to an arrow while the game shop worker isn't looking.* Link: Now just aim this arrow at the target. Fairy: Might as well not make it so you totally lose... *Link fires the arrow, not really aiming. The fairy guides it to the target in the next room over.* Shopowner: What?!?!? You actually hit it?!?!?! Link: Yep, now give me the saw! *The fairy comes back, managing to untie herself. She has a mad look on her face.* ------------ Link wins the game using trickery. Fairy mad. From Author X on 06.06.02, 19:02: As Link left with the rusty saw, the teenage girl running the game looked disapointed. "Darn, I was hoping I could get him to bribe me with that make-up set that the witch in the swamp wanted the special flowers for. I guess I'll just have to get the farmer's fertilizer to trade with the florist myself. Now where could I find enough bobbly-head cows to get that mail-order bride..." ------------ All that happened this time is we see that by cheating, Link skipped several (also rather bizzare) steps in the trading game. And just so you know, the bobbly-head cows are those things around Clock Town in MM. From Charcoal X on 07.06.02, 08:07: (After walking for several miles Link and the fairy come across a farm to the side of the road. There is a big sign reading "Fertilizer for Sale".) Link: Hey! There's that fertilizer that the girl in the shop wanted. Maybe we should go get it. Fairy: Why? We already got the saw to get to the woodcutter. Link: Of course! That reminds me, we have to get the lumber to get the giant wooden gecko. Fairy: We're not walking all the way back to that woodcutter to get lumber for a carpenter. It's a seven mile round trip for no reason. Link: But we have to. The gecko! Fairy: Damn the **q*ing gecko. I'm not walking. And we don't need fertilizer anyway, so come on. (Link has meanwhile walked up to the farmer standing at the gate.) Farmer: Hi, I would sell you the fertilizer, but I need an bendy bit of copper tubing to make it... (The fairy sighs.) Fairy: We don't need any fertilizer and we don't have any copper tube. Link: What else are you selling? Farmer: Oh, lots of things. But I don't put any of the things that don't need obscure items to obtain them on my sign. Link: Useful. Do you have any weedkiller? Farmer: Oh sure. I have barrels of the stuff. Link: And you don't need me to go on a five week quest to find the Maltese falcon or rescue the Holy Grail from Germans? Farmer: Nope. Just need 10 rupees for a drum. (Link hands over 10 rupees and takes a large drum, which mysteriously disappears about his person as soon as he picks it up. Farmer: Pleasure doing business. Fairy: How the **q* did you do that? Link: It's easy, like hammerspace. I could pick up an artillery cannon and carry it as long as it's an obtainable object. Fairy: Okay. Second question. Why the **q* did you do that? Link: This wouldn't be an RPG if you didn't have to gauge your strategy from one obscure sentence. Back in the castle the guard said: "We only have Middle Age technology. Our bombs are too weak." We don't need to bother with the medallions or anything. Fairy: Why do I get the feeling I should be running very fast? Link: So all we need now is about 60lb of icing sugar and we're in business. I think there's a cake shop in the town. (Link and the fairy continue the walk towards the town and arrive a while later to find guards standing around the clock tower. The clock reads half past six.) Fairy: Half past six? It can't be that late. Or early. Or whatever. Guard: Yes, the clock is broken. Somebody stole the clockwork behind it. It was the latest model as well, small but powerful enough to drive those huge hands. Fairy: Who'd go to the trouble of stealing something like that? Link: I expect we'll find out later. Fairy: That was unnecessarily portentous. Anyway, you wanted a cake shop. (The walk to a small area of shops and walk in the doorway of the one marked 'cakes'. It is actually more like a café with a cake counter at the front. The woman behind the counter greets them.) Shopkeeper: Welcome! A cake from here would make an ideal present for my daughter. The diary in her room will show you how much she likes you. Link: ?!? Fairy: What the **q* are you talking about? Shopkeeper: A cake from here would make an ideal present for my daughter. The diary in her room will show you how much she likes you. Link: We don't want to buy your food for your own family, nor do I want to be married off to your daughter who I don't even know. Have you got any icing sugar? Shopkeeper: Yes, but you need to find me some items before I'll give it to you. Link (annoyed): Fine. What do you want? Shopkeeper: The Ark of the Covenant, the church bell from the temple of the Lost City of Atlantis and a reliable DSL line with competent tech support. Fairy: This is getting stupid now. Predictable, but stupid. C'mon Link, we're going. (They leave the shop.) Link: Where are you going now? Fairy: This wonderful little shop about three doors down. (Link follows her and reads the sign. It used to read "Exactly Right Armory" The word Armory has since been crossed out with magic marker and "Harmless sports equipment" written it its place.) Fairy: Here! Link: Umm. We can't visit a place like this. We need to get all of our weapons by trudging through miles upon miles of hazardous dungeons. (The fairy goes back to full size in a sparkle.) Fairy: Do you ever even listen to yourself speak? Come on! (They walk in to be greeted by rack upon rack of javelins, spears, and crossbows of all sizes. There is even a giant siege crossbow under a dust sheet in the corner. A bearded man greets them.) Fairy: Hi, we'd like two lever action repeater crossbows in the 150lb range. Also some small pistol crossbows would come in handy. And enough bolts to take out a manatee. Shopkeeper: Well, I can do all that, but it'll cost you about 400 rupees. Also I'll need to see some I.D. Fairy: Can you take a non-returnable deposit of 15 rupees? Shopkeeper: Not a chance, and I still need the I.D. Fairy: I guarantee that my friend here is over 14 years old. He just wants to do his 2 hours of shortbow practice every Sunday as dictated by some obscure law made years ago. Shopkeeper: Sorry. I can't let you... (The fairy bats her eyelids and smiles) Shopkeeper: Umm... what was I saying again? Fairy: You were just telling us about how you were going to give us all this free of charge because we brought you the Dead Sea scrolls and the secret of eternal life back from our quest. Shopkeeper: I was? Of course. Here you go. (Link and the fairy lock and load and walk out.) Link: Well. What the **q* are we gonna do with these. Fairy: Get your icing sugar! Link: What! Everyone I know who's taken down a cake shop is dead or doin' twenty. Banks, sure. Markets, easy. Huge fortified castles **q* yes, but a small cake shop? You must be **q*ing crazy. Fairy: C'mon. It'll be easy. Someone once robbed a bakery with just a telepathy tile. Walked in, the guy on the other end of the tile said he had the guy's little girl and they gave all the cakes over. Link: Bakery sure, but you try that sort of **q* in a cake shop and you get you head blown off. Fairy: They won't panic. It's not coercion if you ask nicely. (The walk in the door with the lever actions hidden in Link's 'RPGspace' and the pistol bows in their belts.) Shopkeeper: Welcome! A cake from here would make an ideal present for my daughter. The diary in her room will show you how much she likes you. Fairy: We'd just like some icing sugar please. We know you have lots behind the counter. We can see it. Shopkeeper: Have you got the items? Fairy: Of course. The church bell from the temple of the Lost City of Atlantis was a little hard to find, so we got this sharp piece of metal that travels at high speed instead. (She raises the pistol bow and smiles sweetly. The shopkeeper freezes and reaches down below the counter and hands over a large bag of icing sugar nervously. She scurries into the back room.) Link: Well, that was surprisingly easy. (The walk towards the door.) Shopkeeper: Oh, one last thing. (Link and the fairy freeze in the doorway and turn slowly to be greeted with the muzzle of an 1150lb ballista on cartwheels. The bolt on the frame has a burning fuse atop of it.) Fairy: **q*. (They run as fast as they can around the corner from the shop as the shopkeeper pulls the ratchet lever, sending the bolt flying through the front of her store. It hits the clock tower and obliterates the structure.) Guard: Well, at least we won't have to bother about the clockwork being replaced. ------------ Link has procured a sizable quantity of substances necessary to remove the door guarding Zelda. Now if only he had something inconspicuous and hollow to place it in. Like a Gecko. From Cheeseman on 07.06.02, 19:00: Link:Well, let's ask someone where exactly the Princess is beig held. That way we don't have to search later. Fairy: Might as well... *Link walks up to a NPC and says hi* NPC:Hello THEIF. I've heard rumors that the hollowed gecko key is needed to reach the Princess. It is used to activate a bridge to get to where she is held. Link:Well, do you know where she is being held? And I'm not a theif, she is. *Fairy glares at Link* NPC:Hello THEIF. I've heard rumors that the hollowed gecko key is needed to reach the Princess. It is used to activate a bridge to get to where she is held. -------------------- Link now knows why he needs a wooden gecko. And he is know being called THEIF by everyone. From Duff McWhalen on 18.06.02, 17:28: Dammit, we need more! This is awesome! Someone that doesn't suck update it! I'm too inadequate at this sort of thing. From Author X on 18.06.02, 17:41: After Link was gone, the NPC, who had been wearing a completely black suit with a tie, took off the plastic mask he had been wearing. "My god, he's more of a **Q*ing idiot than Ganon! Honestly, a wooden gecko? What kind of imbicile is he?" From protoman_116 on 18.06.02, 18:43: After Five hours Link got the wooden gecko and went to the bridge. As Dark Link was watching he was about to laugh as Link inserted the Gecko into....ummm...whatever it is you insert a gecko into. Than a bridge appeared and he started walking across it and got to the other side. Dark Link:WHAT THE **Q* JUST **Q*ING **Q* MOTHER OF **Q* JUST **Q*ING HAPPENED! Link: Did you hear something Fairy. Fairy:*looks behind her* Yes, and there is a disturbed man yelling 3000 ways to say **q* while waving a sword at us, oh and he also has a black suit with a tie. Dark Link: *catches up to them* HAH there is no Lamp to save you now! A bird flies over DL and drops an oil lamp on him. Dark Link:..............................................WHAT THE **Q* IS WRONG WITH THIS PLACE!!! Fairy:*comes up beside him again* Dodge this. *Lights dark Link on fire as he jumps into the river below the bridge.* ----------------------------------------------------------------------- And so with Dark Link defeated with an oil lamp *again* Link and fairy *again* escape his clutches. But for how long? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Bal...ermmm I mean Zelda: A Link To the Cheese! From Cheeseman on 19.06.02, 14:09: Link: Wait... We used the gecko as a key... That means we actually have to go get the medalions... Fairy: Ah great... What were we thinking? Well, back to town to try and find out where the medalions are... *Link and the fairy head back to town. They head toward an young boy NPC and say Hi* NPC: My grandpa lives to the south in the desert. He knows where the medalions are. Your Link aren't you? Take this bug catching net. You'll need it. Heres a bottle to put something in too. Fairy: Well, we get two useles items... *Blabs on about how stupid this is* Link:Hmmm... *Link catches the fairy with the bug catching net and puts her in the magic bottle.* Link:This did come in handy. Well, thanks. *Link heads to the south. As they arrive in the desert, He sees a building* Link:Well, this must be the place. Fairy:[insert cursing muffled by the bottle surrounding her here] *Link enters the building. An old man stands inside* Old man: I am Saracheddar, the wise man. You search for the medalions? Link:Yep Saracheddar:Well, one is in a cave to the east. Here is a key to get inside. Link: And one thing... Could you give em a weapon? I only have lowsy supplies... Saracheddar:Sure. Here is the Swiss Sword. It is made in likeness of the blade of legends, only much weaker. Link:Well, at least it is sharp... ---------------- Link gets a bottle and net, puts the fairy in it, meets Saracheddar, gets the Swiss Sword, and heads to the location of the first medalion. From QuickerMan on 20.06.02, 22:28: THEIF came to the east cave. Link: Time to open the door... THEIF uses the key! THEIF goes inside. Link: Alright, lets see, should I take Door #1, which has a big sign on it saying "Medallion!" or Door #2, which has a big sign lbaeled "Monsters!" I guess I'll try door #1. Fairy: Idiot! You can just get the medallion and leave! Link: It's probobly a trap. The signs were switched, I bet. THEIF enters the door. The door closes behind THEIF. Link: ***Q*! The rooms full of **Q*in MONSTERS! Fairy: Told you. -------- Link went the wrong way, it seems, in his quest for MEdallion #1. From Charcoal X on 20.06.02, 22:41: (Having battled through the swarm of monsters by a combination of Swiss-swordsmanship and dumb luck, Link and the fairy attempt to seek an exit from the cave. It is unusual in the amount of barbed wire and empty guard towers it contains, but they press on and beyond, until eventually they come out in a clearing, which contains what looks like a large temple. It looks like it used to be large and elaborate, but somebody has placed a large banner over the original Ancient Hylian sign carved into the rock above the entrance. The banner reads "Ludowa Republika Wschodni Hyrule" in large red lettering.) Link: I wonder what that sign says. Fairy: Mmmft Link: Sorry, I can't hear you from inside that bottle. Hang on, I'll let you out. (He opens the bottle) Fairy (sweetly): I said, if you ever put me in any sort of container again... Link (hesitantly): Yes? Fairy: I shall place your bug catching net so far up your *Q* that you'll be able to catch flies by opening your mouth. Understand. Link: Okay! I'm sorry. I get it. I just thought being a magic jar you'd have enough room to move around and stuff. Fairy: Really? Well when this is over I'll get a nice big jar for you, and see how you like that. And I'll even throw in a couple carboys of 10M sulfuric acid to keep you company. Link: No more jars. Got it. (The fairy expands herself to full size and stretches her wings out.) Fairy: Now, onto the temple. (They walk up to the doors to be greeted by two guards in red armor) Guard #1: Halt! Who enters the Glorious Monument to the People's Endeavors? (Link and the fairy look at the large halberds and impressive armor of the guards and decide against a direct assault on the gates) Link: Umm... pizza delivery. (The fairy puts her hand to her face in disbelief) Guard #2: We don't want any of your capitalist pizza here. Get out. Fairy: It's not a capitalist pizza. I'm pretty sure it doesn't have any money or possessions at all. Link: Yeah, it's not like all those industrialist donuts, with their steel mills and factories, it is truly one of the people. (The two guards look at one another and #1 opens the gate and goes inside. He can be heard talking to someone within) #1: There are two insane pizza delivery people outside. One of them has wings. Should we let them in? Voice: Idiot! Those are the people we ordered for the mission, they were sent in disguise. Let them in now! (#1 marches outside and motions Link and the fairy in, closing the entrance behind them. The voice who was previously shouting at the guard turns out to be a middle aged man in military uniform, sitting behind a large desk and flanked by guards. There is a large portrait of an unknown entity behind him, against a red backdrop. A plaque on his desk reads Gen. Podhalanski) General: As you already know, you have been brought here for a mission of utmost importance to the Union. Fairy: Yes. Link (whispering): We do? Fairy (whispering): Of course we do. Our mission is to pretend we know whet we're doing, otherwise we'll end up stapled to the nearest wall by a half dozen crossbow bolts. Link: Yes, we are well aware of our mission. General: Good, now the guard informed me that one of you had wings. I don't appear to see any. (Link and the fairy look puzzled) Link: Erm, she does. (Points at fairy) General: Excellent. May I see? (The fairy finally gets what the General is talking about. Link still doesn't, but no surprises there) Fairy (sweetly): I left my jacket outside with the gate guards. But you'll take their word for it won't you? General: I have little choice it seems. (He stands) Now, if you'll step this way your vehicle awaits you. The Union commends you taking part in this brave experiment, and a grand service shall be performed in your honor afterwards. Link: I don't like the sound of that. Fairy: What if we by any chance happen to survive? (The General lets out a short laugh) General: Then you shall receive the highest decoration of our fledgling nation. There is only one of its class ever held by a serviceman, so naturally I shall present mine to you. (He indicates a medal pinned to his chest. It is the Cheddar Medallion with a red cloth fastening attached to it. [But you guessed it would be something like that, right?]) Link: Only one? General: Yes we... we found it in a cave a couple weeks ago. But it's impressive anyway. Fairy: Then we will do all that we can to honor the procedure of our experimental mission and return victorious. (Link nods along frantically like a parakeet) General: Very good, follow me to your soon to be triumphal steed. (He walks along towards a large corrugated iron door and a guard pulls it aside for him. All three of them step into the gloom beyond. The general pulls a lever and the room is lighted from its high ceiling) Link: What the **q* is that?! General: This is the glorious Albatross. With it we mount an attack on the royalists at Hyrule Castle. Fairy: It doesn't look much like an albatross to me. Link (whispering): Yeah, looks more like a yak. (The device they are gazing at looks very little like an Albatross. It is about 35 feet long and looks like a flying fish constructed out of wood and sheet metal by a cubist artist on LSD. It has enormous gull wings and a blocky glass conservatory atop its frame) General: Now remind me, you are the one doing the flying, yes? Now what do you do boy? (He looks accusingly at Link) Link: Umm... I'm the other guy. (He glances at the writing below the conservatory for a clue) Link: The... you know... Strzelec? General: Good. You will operate the small repeater bow at the back and relay your position via the telepathy tile on board. Your friend will control the two heavy crossbows under each wing and the main bomb. Or she would if we had one. Fairy: We're supposed to attack the castle without any bombs! General: There were some funding difficulties. We had to sell all our bombs on eBay in order to eat. Not that I said any of that. Link: I believe I can help. (He pulls out the large drum of fertilizer and icing sugar and rolls it to one of the mechanics standing around the edge of the craft. The mechanic examines it and proceeds to fit a long fuse to it and attach the whole between the legs of the Albatross) General: Where did he just pull that from? Fairy: Trust me, you'd feel better if I didn't tell you. General: *ahem* Now then boy, you have proven yourself to be useful. Are you ready to get to work? Link: Yes sir. (The fairy has meanwhile gone across to converse with the mechanic) Fairy: One question though. Mechanic: Yes? Fairy: How does this piece of junk work?! Mechanic: Oh I assure you it is much more than junk. Fairy (to herself): Yeah junk'er' or junk'est' perhaps. Mechanic: It works by a sprung gearing system that is powered by the rotary tension in distorted strips of material, which in turn rotates the impelling screw. Fairy: What the **q* are you talking about? Mechanic: There's a big twisted rubber band and some clockwork which turns the shaped bit on the front. Fairy: And that'll work? Mechanic: Personally I don't think they know. Or care. Fairy: **q*ing great. (They board the large glass conservatory and take seats inside it.) Link: Well, what now? Fairy: Now we guess. And hope like hell we guess right. Link: Oh. (The fairy locates two levers marked 'Clockwork Escapement Latch' and 'Winding Speed' and pulls them back as far as she can. There is a rattling noise as the clockwork attempts to come up to speed and the Albatross pulls forwards, skids across the floor and heads towards the open doorway at the front of the room. It exits along a wide pathway outside, squeaks a few times as the metal and woodwork fight against the pressures upon then and suddenly leaves the ground in an unsteady lurch.) Link: You do realize that we're in deep deep **q* now, don't you? Fairy: Relax, I can fly. Link: Oh good. (The fairy flutters her wingtips up and down the seatback) Fairy: It's just a matter of how you intend to reach the ground. (Link looks at her scornfully) Link: Just concentrate on reaching the castle, so we can blow it up and get the medallion to help us save the kingdom. Fairy: The kingdom being the bit that doesn't include the castle, right? Link: What? Fairy: Oh, nothing... Link: Well, I was thinking, couldn't we just drop the fertilizer drum in the moat and tell them that we hit the castle. Fairy: I'm impressed. That way we can be gone back to Central Hyrule by the time they find out we tricked them. Anyway, our ETA at the castle is only 5 minutes now. (The scene switches to the Throne Room [long time no see] where the operator is frantically talking to the assembled guards) Operator: We have detected a large, totally unbirdlike, flying object heading straight for us. It appears to be heavily armed. Fire at it! Bring it down! Man the cannons! (The guards rush out to their respective positions at the cannons) Captain: Fire into the air! (The guards tilt the cannons and fire a volley. The captain pulls aside a lieutenant) Captain: When I said "fire into the air", I didn't mean at 90 degrees! Idiots! All of you! (The cannonballs describe a perfect arc and land about a yard from their firing point, taking out one of the towers and throwing guards to the floor) Link: They're firing at us! Fairy: You sons of bitches! I'll strafe the bastards like a **q*ing Sturzkampfflugzeug!!! Link: Calm down! (She pulls the Albatross into a power-dive. The gull-wings scream like klaxons as she opens heavy crossbow fire upon the tower) Link: Hold it! We're not supposed to destroy them! Fairy: I'm only gonna hurt them a little. Link: Pull out of the dive and drop the bomb in the moat now! Fairy: Fine! (She pulls out of the dive a couple hundred feet above the moat and pulls the release catch. The flint igniter lights the fuse and the drum falls spinning towards the moat. It hits the surface...) Link: Good. (...and bounces off of the water like a stone, spinning as it rises. Once. Twice. On the third and final bounce it smashes into the bridge and explodes, destroying it.) Link: Damn! Fairy: No, I'm pretty sure it was a bridge. Link: **q* it! We can't do anything right. (They fly past the smoldering ruins of the bridge and one tower and turn around for Eastern Hyrule) Link (depressed)(into tile): Well I can safely say we completed our objective, we're coming back. (There is a chattering noise as the clockwork slows down) Fairy: **q* Link (into tile): Gliding as we go, no doubt. (After a bumpy landing in the hills of Eastern Hyrule, they return to the ex-temple and become decorated with the Cheddar Medallion, unwitting heroes of the People's Republic in a large and glamorous ceremony) ------------ Link and the fairy have obtained the Cheddar Medallion, become heroes of Eastern Hyrule and accidentally destroyed half of the castle. They no longer have the fertilizer drum or icing sugar. The Albatross is also totaled and the fairy has once again proven herself as someone you don't want to annoy. From Cheeseman on 21.06.02, 14:24: *Link and the fairy head back to Saracheddar's house* Saracheddar:Welcome back, TRAITOR. Link:Great... First THIEF, now TRAITOR... Saracheddar: Sorry, I just had to. Welcome back Link. You got the medalion I see. As a gift, I give you these, the High Tops. They allow you to dash. Link: I was able to run before though... Saracheddar:But now you can deal damage! Fairy:Hey, Geezer, where can we find the next medalion? Saracheddar:There is a well in the city that is covered by a rock. Dash into the rock head first, and it will break. Link:Thanks. *Link and the Fairy speed their way to town. As they get there, Link equips the High Tops, and dashes at the rock. As he hits, he bounces of, and the rock remains unbroken. The fairy drags the unconcious Link back to Saracheddar's.* Fairy:It didn't break Saracheddarangit, I thought you were gonna dash at the rock. That was gonna be your punishment for calling me geezer. *The fairy's eyes glow red. She holds Saracheddar up by the throat.* Fairy: Now, where is the next dungeon, and what is under the rock anyways? Saracheddar: The next dungeon is in the forest. When you recieve an item that makes you stronger, you can lift the rock and get a heart piece. *The fairy tosses Saracheddar aside. She casts a spell, and Link becomes concious.* Fairy: Old man, if this is another trick, you die. ------------- Link and the fairy find where to go next through some... negotiation. They get the High Tops. From Charcoal X on 25.06.02, 04:44: Saracheddar: I swear it, it isn't a trick. To show I'm serious I'll even tell you the location of the third and final medallion. Fairy: Go on... Saracheddar: It is located in an ancient temple in the mystery dessert to the far South-West. Fairy: Mystery dessert?! Saracheddar: I'm afraid so. Legend tells of a successful and peace-loving farming community that used to inhabit the area. One day an evil wizard came and cast a spell. He wished that the land would become a perpetual desert where nothing would grow. Only he pronounced one of the runes wrong, and that was the result. Hundreds of square miles of nothing but barren ice-cream, with a light coating of sprinkles and chocolate chips. Link: Sounds tasty! Saracheddar (shocked): Great Scott, are you serious! It's a freezing cold wasteland; people have sunk up to their waists just from setting one foot wrong. I seriously suggest you leave this challenge until you have some proper equipment, like snow shoes and winter gear. Link: And spoons. (Saracheddar motions to the fairy) Saracheddar: Whatever you do, don't let him go swimming in the hot fudge springs or climb the chocolate rock. People have died out there. Died in cream and fudge and butterscotch, I tell you! Fairy: Riiight, we'll just be getting along now. (Link is still standing there licking his lips and dreaming of desserts) Fairy: C'mon Link. We're heading of to the forest now. (She drags him outside and they head off) --------- Link has learnt the location of both of the remaining medallions, and is now bound North-West towards the forest. From Author X on 25.06.02, 15:53: On their way, yet again, to the forest, Link and the fairy passed by a shop in the middle of nowhere called the "Happy Excruciatingly Painful Tatoo Shop," according to the sign. Link smiled and ran into it "Wow, tatoos!" The large, bald man at the counter nodded and explained, "You see, there are many tatoo designs scattered across this world. If you get a picture of one and bring it to me, I can put the tatoo on you. Many of them have special, magical powers like protection from diarrhea or being stabbed in the left foot by a blind man wielding an ice pick. Just not the ones I have here." "Wow, cool!" Link wasn't really paying attention, just caught up in the idea of getting a tatoo while his uncle couldn't stop him. He also liked some of the designs on the walls. The fairy, on the other hand, was getting annoyed. "Are you an idiot? It says right on the sign 'excruciatingly painful'!" "Ya... but I'm sure once I'll get used to it I'll be fine, and just think of how cool I would look covered in magic tatoos!" "Actually, son, you can only have one at a time or else the interference of the spells makes you explode. And since we're not technologically advanced enough to have lasers, I'll have to remove it using a power sander. And if you're about to make any smart-alec comments about power tools being too advanced, I could always use a knife. So... how about that pictograph box, only 100 rupees!" "..." "..." "Well, how about it?" Link turned and ran into the woods, screaming, with the fairy in hot pursuit. ------------- Link and the fairy find yet another LoZ element that had been missing from their adventure - the magic collectables. Link decides, however, that he could live without this particular trend. Afterwards, they reach the woods, with Link running and screaming. From Charcoal X on 25.06.02, 21:07: (Link and the fairy continue along the forest's edge when they come across a young man with a long wooden and metal flute across his lap. He is playing the flute without blowing into the mouthpiece, but as they approach they can hear sounds coming out) Link: Hi there. I'm Link and I'm on an important quest. Could you direct us... (He gets cut off by the fairy talking across him) Fairy: Alex! Long time no see. What happened with the touring band? Alex: Loren? Wow. It really has been too long. Link: Could someone explain what the hell is going on? Alex: Yeah, sorry. I was going to introduce myself. I'm Alexander, I used to be the leader of a band but we sort of broke up. Link: Okay. What else was there...? (He pauses) Oh yeah... Loren?! Fairy: Yes. I have a name. You kinda get them when you're born you know. Link: No need to be sarcastic. Fairy: I'm sure I told you earlier. Sometime between being shoved in a microwave and being thrown in a bottle. (Link stays quiet and wanders off into the near distance, kicking at the ground idly) Fairy: So what's with the flute Alex? It was playing itself just a minute ago. Alex: This thing? It's a piece of junk. It's what lead to our band 'breaking up' and all sorts of other **q*. It's supposed to play itself, but there are a few faults. Fairy: So that's why it's mounted on a crossbow stock? Alex: Umm... yeah. It doesn't like playing F sharp, kept smacking me in the mouth. Try it. (He hands the flute to the fairy. She takes it and plays a note on it, which appears in the form of a small cartoon note from the end of the pipe in addition to the sound. She picks out two more notes with similar results) Fairy: Weird. So where's the F sharp keying on this thing? Alex: Well I hooked all the relevant keys up to a 'ring key' system linked to the trigger on the bottom of the stock, so I don't press it by accident. Fairy: How convenient. (She pushes the trigger gently. There is a sudden loud crack and a large cluster of the cartoon notes emerges from the end at such speed they can only be seen as a blur. They smash into a nearby bush and rip off leaves and branches. The fairy jumps back under the report. Link comes running back) Link: What happened? I heard a loud Boehm. Fairy (slightly shaken): It was just this flute here. It has issues. Link: Woah! You get it from one of those weird magical item shops that disappear when your back is turned or something? Alex: I bought it from a guy who sells razor blades in the town. I don't go in shady magical item shops. Fairy: Yeah right. I went in one of those once. I only wanted a Kit-Kat. Alex: A Kit-Kat from the store?! Link: This has gone on long enough! Could you just tell us how to get to the forest dungeon? Fairy (grinning): And can I have your flute if its fault can't be fixed? Alex: Sure, take it. I don't want to touch another musical instrument after that one. (The fairy smiles and slings the flute over her shoulder) Link: And the dungeon? Alex: There isn't a forest dungeon. The closest I've heard is that there's a lost city somewhere deep in the woods. But no dungeon and no medallion has ever been built there to my knowledge. (The fairy looks on in disbelief at these words) Fairy: I'm gonna kill Saracheddar in a painful way! Link: Come on. Let's at least search the forest. (The bid their farewells and head off into the forested gloom) ------ The fairy has a name and a uniquely magical flute (It's not Link's, and I doubt she'll let him have it.) They have learnt that there is no temple in the forest, but have gone looking nonetheless. From Kuryo on 25.06.02, 21:12: *as Link and Loren walk through the forest, Loren taking pot shots at trees with her Flutebow Music Launcher, they hardly realize that they had stumbled into a world outside of their own. Link is the first to realize.* Link: Er, where are we? Loren: *looks around* Good question. *As they survey the area they hear a noise from behind them, turning around, Loren with her crossbow and Link with his 'Holy' Swiss Sword, they see...* Link: CONKER! OH MY GOD IT'S CONKER! Conker: What the bloody hell? Loren: **q*ing squirrel. Link: I play all your games man! Conker: Impossible, Nintendo won't be invented for another 1468 years. Link: Good point. *Loren stands there confused. Conker begins his 'examination' of the fulls sized Fairy, having crossed the game rating to Mature, this is allowed now. Link catches on and points his sword at Conker.* Link: Hey! You're checking out my fairy! Loren: Geh..!? *Conker eyes the sword and laughs, taking a bite from the blade. Link stares in amazement.* Link: Oh my god! He bit clean through the metal of the sword! Loren: But it was cheese. Link: *mumbles* Fine, ruin my drama. Conker: Might good sword, mind if I have another bite? Link: But then I wouldn't have a weapon. *Conker hands Link his frying pan along with a Portable Hammerspace Generator MK.II V. 2.3 Alpha, By Blammo!* Link: Spiffy! Conker: Cheesy! Loren: Lame, let's get going. *As they turn, they are confronted by a ground of angry Yellow Jackets.* Yellow Jacket 1: Hey look! It's a fruit, a fairy and a gay hood ornament. Yellow Jacket 2: Yeah, Yeah, Fairy. Yellow Jacket 3: Moo! *Conker whips out his machine guns and guns down the ground of Yellow Jackets, not wanting to dfeal with them. Loren and Link stare in amazement.* Link: **q* man! You are so **q*ing coming with us! **Q*! Loren: Impressive. *Conker bows.* Link: Hey Conker, know of any super secret forest temples deep in the woods anywhere where we might overlook, or not find without some kind of outside help? Conker: Yeah, over there. *Conker points to a giant multi-coloured flashing neon sign about 20 feet high reading 'Super Secret Forest Temple'. Loren face-palms.* Link: Cool, let's go! Conker: Right behind you. Loren: I got a bad **q*ing feeling about this. *And so our Motley Crew sets off for a Super Secret Forest Temple with not nearly enough advetising. Inordinate Amounts of Swearing, Hammerspace Generators and two Fists full of Steel are the weapons of choice, will they make it? They better or this'll be a short story. Continued in next episode of Zelda: A Link to the Cheese.* From Author X on 26.06.02, 02:02: As they walk along, Link asks Conker what's in the Hammerspace Generator. It is explained that nothing's in the hammerspace yet, you can just use it to store anything you want, no matter how much or how big, as long as you can move it yourself. "But... I could do that before." "Not my **Q*ing fault." Upon reaching the ruins, several Wolfoses sprung from the ground. Unfortunately for them, there was a large 'B' mark on the ground nearby, and Conker ran over to it and pulled out double crossbows with silver arrows. He shot each of the werewolves once in the head, and they continued on. Link and Loren barely had to fight at all, as the Squirle plowed down row after row of enemy with his machine guns. They finally reached the boss door, and Conker holstered his guns and turned around. "Allright, search for a 'B' pad. This looks like a dynamite situation." He grinned and rubbed his hands together. From Charcoal X on 26.06.02, 08:49: (They continue walking towards the 'lost' temple, leaving the dust cloud of Conker's recent 'explosive' battle behind them and come across the city around the temple. There is a small road-sign through beside the lost city, it reads 'Cerulean City welcomes careful drivers'. Link looks up at a large building.) Link: Hey, this could be the temple that we're looking for. Conker: Can you read **q*-for-brains? It says 'Gym' on the side in huge letters. Link: Yeah, just like the door in the Eastern caves said 'Medallion!' on it. Loren: This is just an ordinary city; let's just wander around asking people until one of them tells us where the temple is. (They go over to a boy in the street, he looks about 12 years old and is wearing a baseball cap emblazoned with the letter L. Before they reach him the boy shouts out and rushes towards Conker.) Kid: Hah! A wild Raichu. I'll catch it for my own. Conker: What the **q* are you talking about?! (Before he can finish his response the kid pulls a red and white ball from his belt and throws it through the air. It catches Conker in the chest and falls to the ground in front of him. Loren looks down and picks up the ball. It is white with a broad red stripe running around the equator. There is a white circle on the red stripe with a number 11 written in it.) Conker: You *q*hole! You just threw a **q*ing pool ball at me. Loren: Looks like a billiard ball to me. Conker: Whatever. This son-of-a-bitch is gonna pay. (He takes the ball, winds up and pitches it back towards the kid in a lightning-fast arc. It strikes the kid straight between the eyes and he falls over backwards.) Loren: Ball 1! Link: I think he's out already. (Another NPC wanders over and talks to Link) Man: That was some battle. I used to be a trainer like you when I was young. Link: What are you people talking about? I'm not a trainer of any kind. Man: You trained that raichu pretty well. Conker: **q* you. I'm not his property. Man: To become a better trainer in my day you needed to collect badges from different Gyms. Unfortunately most towns have stopped participating after they figured it was all a merchandizing scam. The Gym over there is the only one to still hold a badge at all, but they don't fight anymore. Loren: Excuse me, but does this gym's badge look anything like this? (She indicates the Cheddar Medallion pinned to her clothing) Man: Yes! It looks just like that, but a different color. Loren: Well, looks like we've found our second medallion. Conker: **q* that. I'm gonna find a bar. See you guys after the battle. (They walk through the doors of the Cerulean City gym, to be greeted with a large inviting swimming pool. Link peers into the water to be greeted by a Tentacool) Link: Aghhh! Jellyfish! What sort of pool is this? Loren: A popular one apparently. Look at all the swimmers. (They look at the swimmers, including human, hylian, zora, and weird sea animal participants) Link: Let's get this over with and get out of here. This whole place is **q*ed up beyond belief. (Shouting) Who owns this place? (A young woman walks up to them. She has tied back red hair and is wearing shorts and a t-shirt with a cute fluffy yellow animal on it and the words "Pokémoney - All your cash are belong to us") Misty: Hi, I'm Misty, I own this place. Can I interest you in a long term saver's club membership? Loren: No thanks, we're not planning on staying long. Misty: Then how about our short term supersaver value member card. It only allows you to swim during blue days on the chart during off peak hours. Or you can upgrade that with a peak pass which will allow you to swim at anytime on blue days and also at off peak hours on pink days. (Link and the fairy look at one another and shrug) Link: We just want your badge. (Misty laughs and looks at the badge hung around her neck) Misty: The only way you can get that is by beating my champion swimmer in a race. (She indicates a sleek looking zora warming up by the poolside.) Loren: That's impossible! He's a fish! They can keep speed with a **q*ing marlin and don't need to surface for air. Misty: Ah well. Of course if you were a (she laughs some more) trainer, you could always defeat me in battle. (Link places one hand on the hilt of his sword) Link: Bring it on! Misty: I meant Poké battle. Now get the hell out before I call security. Link: No way! Misty: Fine! (She pushes a button poolside and the large banner reading 'Cerulean City Pool' drops to the floor to reveal a horizontal pole on which are perched a large number of mean looking pidgeys and spearows.) Link: **q* (The fairy is standing frozen to the spot; she looks down at the floor, un-slings the flute from her back and picks out a slow and solemn dirge on it. After a few notes the background music changes to match in slow strings.) Loren (soprano): Once again, before a fight we stand. Against which forces we know not. We must forge our trail, our mission once so true, but now our path is lost. Loren and Link (soprano mid-range in harmony): And though our numbers bear not well beside our newfound foe, We must press; fight onwards, our old fears we must forgo Link: Ever confident and onwards with our rectitude our guide, Loren: Our confidence, our bravery, we must never let subside. And into this affray, once more we boldly forwards go, So Link reach to your shoulder and take down your lever-bow (Link does so and cocks the mechanism) Link: And Loren do not fear for you have your trusty reed flute Loren: Damn straight! It's time for a good old fashioned bracing... (The music rises to become more stirring) Link and Loren: Spearow Shoot! Loren (spoken towards off stage): Presto agiato, s'il vous plait maestro! Link (spoken towards off stage): Yeah, rompa il battimento a metà, Sig. DJ. (The music comes up to speed [though not too fast] and the brass section kicks in with a light and upbeat feel as the spearows and pidgeys leave the pole. Misty looks on shocked as they raise their weapons.) Link: I used to believe my life was so bleak Loren: But we have targets with feather and beak Link: And now our lives are better, truly warmer Loren and Link: 'Cause nothing beats the thrill of plugging flying fauna. Link (spoken): More percussion! Loren (spoken): Granted! (She fires another volley at the oncoming wildlife to the accompaniment of Link's air on a bowstring. The music switches to something similar to Bizet's Carmen Overture) Loren: We can forget our faults. Link: I'm out of bolts! Loren: Just switch to pistol bows. (Link re-shoulders the lever bow and pulls out two ratcheted pistol bows) Link: It's more than just our hobby. Loren: Whether we're in a lobby. Link: Or in the garden shooting cans. Loren: But we're not obsessive 'bout it. Link: Though we will stand and shout it Loren: That's 'cos our ears ring like fans. But I could do this forever Link: Dodging falling feathers (The music speeds to a finale.) Link (clawing at throat): Stop for breathing! [Fast cut] Loren (diving past two spearows): Dodging, weaving, [Fast cut] Link (posing with pistol bow in each hand): Ratchet turning, [Fast cut] Loren (Standing triumphant against a backdrop of falling feathers): Woodwind burning, [Fast cut] Link and Loren (Standing back to back): Thing you can do with your dayyyy... (The music fades and stops) Misty: That's horrible! Sick! Link: Hey, you started all this. Misty: Me? I wasn't even singing. You were singing in the wrong key. Link: No I wasn't, it was Loren. I was singing in E flat minor! Loren: The song is in F sharp major. (A swimmer pulls up to the poolside) Swimmer: That's the same thing; E flat is the relative minor of F sharp. Loren: No it isn't, the relative minor is three half-tones down from the major, not up. Misty: No, it's three down. Like A is the relative minor of C major. Loren: But isn't that A sharp and C major. Swimmer: Yeah, I thought that. Depends if you're taking the sixth. Misty: Wait, are you singing Aeolian scales? (Link creeps round behind Misty and unhooks the string from around her neck during the heated debate. He walks towards the doors and makes frantic gestures to Loren.) Loren: Well thanks for your 'advice'. We'll be off now. Good luck with the pool and stuff. (She walks towards the doors and the two of them run outside.) Link: In a minute they're gonna realize what we just did. I suggest we get the hell out of here by then. Let's get Conker and go ransack this lost temple. Loren: What the **q* do we want to do that for. We have our badge don't we? Link: Yeah, but there could be some neat stuff in there. Like some conveniently placed winter gear for our next journey. Loren: Well at least we've found Conker. (She points to the squirrel. He is outside the bar with a bottle of 151 Rum in each hand. He smiles and falls flat on his face.) Link: Lucky us. ------ Link and Loren manage to locate the badge *ahem* medallion, but have decided to go visit the temple anyway. Conker is hammered, and there is still a chance that Misty will decide to hunt them down like pigs and force them to buy memberships. They also have two quart bottles of 151 rum, but one of them is drained. From Cheeseman on 26.06.02, 20:16: *Far away, a young female NPC walks into Saracheddar's home.* NPC: Saracheddar, I'm here to give you your weekly sponge bath... *Shudders* By the way, a rumor going around is that your helping THEIF find the medalions. Saracheddar: I think we bugged him enough about the stealing thing. Yeah, I'm "helping" him. He and that fairy of his were bugging me. I've told them that they have to go into the Mystery Desert to get one of them. NPC: What?!?!? That place has no medalion in it! It's suicide to enter! Saracheddar: Yeah, I know. They didn't even realize the history of it all. The third medalion is always on a mountain. NPC: So what moutain is it one? Saracheddar: Death And A Hole Heck Of A Lot Of Pain Mountain. NPC:Ah, I heard that mountain is really nice and safe. Saracheddar: Yeah, it's safer than the first dungeon even. ------------------------------------ Once again, Saracheddar is revealed to be tricking Link and Loren by telling them to go into a desert of unescapable death. Link and Loren didn't even realize that the third medalion is always on a mountain. From Kuryo on 05.07.02, 03:43: *We once again rejoin our 'heroes' as they seem to be in the middle of battle. Conker leads the way through the 'battlegrounds'.* Conker: Once again, we find our hero, Conker, the foreign local boy he found and his girlfriend deep behind enemy lines. He waners the desolate halls of an abandoned complex, searching for enemy soldiers. *Movement is heard around a corner at the end of the hall.* Conker: Ah, a contact. let's watch as our fearless leader encounters this enemy soldier and dispatches him swiftly. *Conker rounds the corner and points his gun into the face of a young boy.* Conker: DIE MOTHER **Q*ER! Kid: MOMMY! Link: **Q*! Loren: CONKER! *Conker is pulled from his fantasy by Loren, who swiftly beats him off a nearby rack and drops him to the floor. Dazed, Conker stands up.* Conker: What the **q*? Loren: We're in the middle of Walmart. Link: Why are we here again? Loren: We're looking for a new CD player. Link: Why? Loren: Don't you ever go on the internet? Link: What? Have -I- ever gone on the internet? Ha, are you kidding? ...No. Conker: You should, I had to all the time to get strategy guides for you **q*ing games. Loren: It helps if your not drunk. And you still can't rape the cuccos in the game either. Conker: You should. Link: Are we going to break into a song again sometime soon again? *Loren whips out a day planner and flips through.* Loren: Not for another 4 hours. Link: Good. *Loren, Link and Conker find the CD player, Conker pays it's weight in lead directly into the cashiers face and all three of them run for an hour and a half from sirens. When they stop, Loren beats Conker with a nearby branch.* Loren: WHAT *thunk* IS *thwak* YOUR *whud* MAIN *wack* **Q*ING *clonk* PROBLEM? *crunch* Conker: I OW! Didn't OUCH! Have OWIE! Change ACK! For OWIE-OUCHERS! $100! Link: What's the CD player for anyway? *Loren drops the stick and walks to a nearby mailbox. She produces a stamp and puts it on the CD player box along with a tag reading "To: Dave". She drops it in the box and returns to where Conker is lying and picks him up by the hea and drags him along.* Link: I think you killed him. Loren: Nope, he's still alive. Link: Are you sure? Loren: Yes, the Plot Device Mk.VII tells me so. Link: **q*? Loren: Not important. *Conker regains consciousness at about this point.* Conker: Oi! What the bloddy **q* is going on? *Loren 'accidently swings Conker up and directly into a streetlight pole, knocking him back out.* Loren: Told you he was still alive. Link: Why'd you knock him out again!? Loren: Well, something interesting has to happen, and this happens to be it. Besides, I had to make him pay for saying I was his girlfriend out loud in public near small, impressionable children. *It's about this time that a cop car skids to a stop inches in front of them and two officers run out and point their guns at the three of them.* Cop 1: GET THE **Q* ON THE **Q*ING GROUND! Loren: **Q*! Link: WHAT THE **Q*! *Conker wakes up right about now* Conker (to Loren): **Q* ME! Link: **Q*? Loren (to Conker): **Q* YOU? Cop 1: **Q* HIM! Cop 2: NO, **Q* ME! Link (To cops): **Q* YOU BOTH! Cops: NO **Q*ING WAY! Loren (to Cops): SHUT THE **Q* UP! Conker (To cops): **Q* OFF! Loren (To Conker): **Q* YOU! Conker: **Q*ING PLEASE DO! Cops: **Q*! WE LEFT THE **Q*ING DONUTS AT THE **Q* STATION! **Q*! **Q*ING MOVE!!!! *The cops get back in the car and race back off. Holy **q*.* Link: What the **q*? Loren: Holy **q* Conker: **q* the **q*ing **q*ers and **q* me right **q* now! Loren: **q* you! Conker: That's what I **q*ing want! Link: Shut the **q* up the both of you. Loren and Conker: **Q* YOU! Link: Oi! Holy **q*. ** And so ends another **q*ing chapter in this **q*ing tale. If you **q* ask me, and you **q*ing should, I **q*ing think this **q*ing thing is all **q*ing **q*ed up. Holy **q* that's alot of **q*ing **q*'s.** From Author X on 05.07.02, 05:08: After much arguing, Link finally got the party back on track and headed back to Hyrule, but it wasn't long before being stopped by the usual obsticle in the forest. "You again? Haven't you learned your lesson yet?" "Pah! You cannot defeat me, only stall the inevitable! Now, this time you can't even have some bird drop anything on me!" Conker was confused, "What the **Q* is he talking about?" "Trust me, you don't want to know." "Quiet! Now, feel my power!" He began to charge a dark attack of some sort, when Conker noticed another B-pad nearby. He stepped on it, reached into his pockets, and pulled out his flamethrower and... "And oil lamp? A **Q*ing oil lamp?" "WHAT?!? NOOOOO!!!!" Link shouted to Conker, "Quick, throw it at him!" The squirrel shrugged and tossed the lamp, and the attack was interrupted by the splash of highly flammable oil. Conker then held up the flame-thrower, "Why do I have the sudden urge to say 'dodge this'?" and fired. After having left the screaming Dark Link back in a fortunately inflammable part of the forest, they noticed the scenery changing a bit. Link turned to Conker to comment, and screamed in horror. "Oh my god, what happened?" "What? What's the matter?" asked the unbearabley cute and innocent creature before him. Loren also turned around and gasped. "Oh, no, we must have re-entered our own E-rated world!" ****** They met up with Dark Link once more, and dealt with him using yet another bizzare way of breaking an oil lamp over him and lighting the oil. When they finally got back to their own world, Conker reverted back to his original over-cutesy self (anyone remember the original GB game or Diddy Kong Racing?). From Cheeseman on 05.07.02, 15:57: Link:Well, letsee... Next stop is that deserty desert of ice cream desert place... Loren:Well, guess we have to go "buy" some winter clothes. Link:And a spoon? Loren:Whatever... *The group heads to the store. The shopkeeper is before them.* Shopkeeper:When I said pay, I ment pay! And now you'll pay the ultimate price! *The shopkeeper holds his hands out at Link and lightning is shot out* Loren:Great, another person trying to kill us. *Loren flicks her hand at the lightning and it is reflected back at the shopkeeper. The shopkeeper remains a burnt husk on the ground.* Conker:What did you do?!?! Killing is wrong! Loren: Well, lets get what we need and high tail out of here before the cops come. *They head south toward the desert. They walk across, in there newly aquired snow gear.* Loren:*Shivers* This place is cold... The medalion better be here... Link:Hey, look! Something is up ahead! *They run up to an owl creature* Owl: Hello. I am a simple owl. Linko you know where the medalion is in this desert? Owl:Medalion? There is no medalion here. The only medalion I know of is on the mountain to the north. It is in the tower there. I believe its owned by Sauron, or someone. Loren:Saracheddar is gonna die. Link:Hey, feathery guy, you know anything else? Owl:I've heard rumors that Ganon is trying to imprison the descendants of the men who created Cheese, and ended up creating the Cheese Demension. In it is the Cheeseforce, which can grant wishes. You'll probably need to go to the Cheese Demension and save the maidens of cheese, which include Zelda, to get the Cheeseforce. Link:Wait, if we just stop Ganon from getting the maidens, wouldn't that work? Owlo you actually expect that you'll be able to save them? The villain in these games always get ultimate power before you can fight them. Loren:Well, lets head north. Saracheddar's house is our first stop. Link:But I haven't filled up on ice cream yet! --------------------------------------------------------------------- The group learns that Saracheddar fooled them again, and more of there mission. From Charcoal X on 06.07.02, 13:47: (The group heads northwards and ends up going back through the E-rated version of Hyrule town. Conker is skipping along wide eyed and cute.) Link: Is it just me or is Conker annoying the **q* out of you too? Loren: Definitely. Maybe he just needs a drink. Conker: No! Drinking is wrong and bad and... (We never find out the other immoralities of drinking, as Loren grabs the remaining bottle of 151 rum and forces a double shot into Conker's mouth before he can react) (Conker splutters and rolls around on the ground. When he gets up he looks different) Conker: ...and **q*ing ace! (Link and Loren breathe a sigh of relief) (Conker looks up at the clock in E-rated town [this town's clock hasn't been stolen, because stealing is bad and all]) Conker: All right! It's been 4 hours already. Time for some fun! Link: What? (Conker pulls an accordion out of his hammerspace and launches into a light tenor solo of an obscene drinking song.) Link: Ah well. At least he's back to normal. (Conker gets about halfway through the first verse when he is interrupted by a loud klaxon. He looks up to see a fat man dressed as and old-fashioned schoolmaster bearing down on the group.) Schoolmaster: They'll be none of this profanity in my town! Conker: Who the **q* are you? Schoolmaster: I'm the chief of the board of censorship, and also the principal schoolmaster of E-rated town. Conker (under his breath): Principal *q*-master more like. Schoolmaster: I heard that. Now you have to fill out this slip. (He produces a wad of paper and waves it menacingly) Conker: Hang on, let me get my... pens. (He pulls out his twin machine guns and fires a salvo of shots at the schoolmaster, who advances almost obliviously as they ricochet off of him. Conker's clips empty and he stands there defeated.) Schoolmaster: No violence! Loren: How about a medley of G-rated nursery rhymes... (She raises her flute) Loren: ...Scored for F sharp. (She points it at the man's head and releases shot after shot. After the dust cloud disperses she looks upon the remainder. A grinning metal skull adorned with wires and circuits looks back at her.) Schoolmaster: Oh, and I'm also a killer robot sent back in time to make sure everything remains nice and suitable for all the family! Loren: **q* Robot: No profanities! (He pulls his cane, which turns into a large weapon of mass destruction and points it at the fairy. She leaps into the air and continues rising as the ground underneath her turns to glass under the blast. The robot looks fazed for a moment and touches a switch on the cane, turning it into a WWII-style heavy machine gun. He raises it and opens fire on the frantically dodging fairy.) Conker: That does it! I need another **q*ing drink. Hand me my bottle. (The robot pauses from tracking the fairy across the sky with blazing tracer bullets) Robot: No alcohol! Link: Your bottle!? You stole it off of the bar. Look, it still has the optic on the end. Robot: No stealing! Conker: Well I had to. I didn't have any ID on me. So I hit him with a pool cue and stole the bottles before he got up. Anyway, at least the bars I go into aren't heavy on the mauve color scheme. (He coughs loudly and meaningfully) Robot: Gah!!! Too much! (Loren lands beside Link) Link (to Conker): Hey! I'm plenty more manly than you. I got this medal from the LRWH for being really brave and stuff. Robot: No advocating communist ideals! Loren: Yeah whatever. I did all the hard work. Link: You **q*ing screwed it up. And there wouldn't have been a mission at all if it wasn't for my weedkiller bomb. Robot: No telling impressionable minors how to make explosives!!! Loren: **q* this. I need another cigarette. Robot: No smoking! (Loren lights up) Loren: But I couldn't make it through the day without the smooth and refreshing taste of Marlboro' (The robot is now visibly twitching, his weapon moving between the three and small sparks escaping from exposed wiring.) Robot: No brand endorsement of immoral and harmful products!!!! (Link glances at the robot) Link: I know, let's all get naked and dance the samba! Robot: Aghh! My mind! ***FATAL EXCEPTION ERROR 703! Explode and leave a smoking hole in the ground? Y/N*** (The group back off cautiously) Link: "Y" (There is a loud bang and a cloud of smoke. When it clears there is nothing there but a scorched patch of earth and a magic wand) Link: What's that thing? (Loren goes over and examines it) Loren: It's the fabled Wand of Censorship. The robot must've been using it as its power source. A magic user can use it to make anyone they choose act like they're in an E-rated game or G-rated movie. (She points it at Link and fires a test shot. He goes wide eyed.) Link: What a splendid idea. It would come in most handy on our adventures with my super best friends. Loren: Well that works. (She mutters some magic words and Link reverts to normal) Link: **Q*! Don't ever **q*ing do that to me again! Loren: Okay, okay. I won't. Yet... Link: Stop **q*ing about with my mind! (The three of them head off from the now liberated E-rated Town towards the North) --------- The E-rated effect has worn off of Conker and Loren has found the cause of it, which she now possesses in the form of the Wand of Censorship. From protoman_116 on 10.07.02, 03:44: As dark link finally put out his flames vhe yelled out Dark Link: GOD **Q*IT!!! **Q*ING OIL LAMPS!!! Wait I know...fufufu..ermmm I meen.. mwahahaha! Dark Link then found Link and said, Dark Link: HAH You can't light me on fire now! Link picked up a oil lamp and threw it at DL. then he threw a lit match at him. NOTHING HAPPENED! Link, Loren, and Conker: WHAT THE **Q*!!! Dark link: Hah I cast a spell that makes me not be able to catch on fi-- *DL is interuptted by bursting into flames* Dark Link just stands there on fire and says, Dark Link: You know what, **Q* it... just **q* it... *he then jumpped into a conveinently placed river. Link: That guy is starting to annoy me.... Conker: That kinda thing could get a guy "Fired" Loren: Yea... Conker: He seemed angry, I geuss he was a little "Burned" up. Link: thats enough.. Conker: ..yea Then they walked away... -------------------------------------------------------------------- When will dark link ever learn.. From Sinn on 10.07.02, 06:16: As the three continue on their way to the third and final medallion, Loren spots their first objective (well, Loren's at least): Saracheddar's house. Loren: Great, now I can teach Mr. Sadistic-Compulsive-Liar a lesson. Conker: Cool! I'm up for some more gratuitous violence! Link (shrugs): Just as long as we're done before Threes Company comes on. The three of them rush up to the house and press their backs against the outside wall. Loren holds her flute up close to her chest ready to shoot at a moment's notice. Link glances around the corner and into a window, then waves to the others that the coast is clear. Conker follows Loren as thunder claps and the sky turns gray; before they know it, the rain is pouring down outside as they slip through the front corridors of Saracheddar's house. Link: Funny, I don't remember this place being so confusing the first times we were here. He looks at Loren to see that she's now dressed in magical fatigues, a long white bandana, and has black strips down her cheeks from her eyes. Then looking at himself, he notices that He and Conker are dressed in a similar fashion. Link: What the...? Loren: Let's just say that this Wand of Censorship has some alternate setting modes. Link: I'm surprised they allow that. Loren: They don't. I kinda hacked into it. Link: Somehow that part doesn't surprise me... Suddenly they hear a shout from behind them and the air is filled with gunfire. Link and Loren dive and roll to either side behind some very conveniently placed large crates as Conker turns around and pulls a Matrix bend backwards, dodging the bullets, all while whipping out his own machine guns and retaliating with twice as much firepower. Conker: Die you **q*ing **q*ers! The shooting stops in five seconds. Our three heroes continue on. As the rain outside continues to pour... Link: Where did that Saracheddar run off to anyway? And why's he got his house so heavily guarded now? Loren: I'd be willing to bet that he knew we would catch on sooner or later and was prepared the whole time. Link: Are you trying to say that- Loren: I'm not trying to say anything. I'm not sure of anything anymore. Link... (the two of them stop momentarily) Link, I want you to know that no matter what happens from here on out, I'll always be with you. Link: Are you planning on dying in the near future? Loren: What? Oh, heck no. If anything I expect you to get killed first. I just mean that if you ever start to think that I may be thinking of leaving based on the way I treat you- Link: You mean the mocking? Loren: Yes. Link: And the yelling? Loren: Yes. Link: And the hitting? Loren (annoyed): Yes, that too. Link: And the- Loren: Look, how I treat you isn't the point, the point is...what was I saying? Link: No matter what happens you'll always be- Loren: Oh, right. Yeah, so even though it may seem like I hate you, it's just my way of showing my true feelings for you. Link: You mean...love? Loren audibly blinks. Loren: Love? What, you thought I meant LOVE??? (Loren bursts out laughing uncontrollably) Ahahahahaha! No! No you idiot, not love; pity! The way you've stumbled through everything we've been through so far is absolutely pathetic! You thought I meant LOVE?? How could I possibly- The fairy is cut off by the sound of bones breaking up ahead; a rather painful crunching sound to say the least. It then occurs to her that Conker hadn't stopped with them earlier. Loren: Oh no... She and Link rush forward into an area that oddly has no roof. The rain falls upon them as they hear Conker's voice a mile away swearing obscenities. They find him lying near another oddly placed crate with his foot in a bear trap. Conker: **Q* **Q* **Q* **Q*ITY **Q* **Q* **Q*!!! Loren: **q*, we need to do something for the pain... She pulls out her wand of censorship and taps Conker on the head with it. Conker stops swearing. Conker: Gee miss. This bear trap surely does hurt. I don't know if I can live much longer... Link: This doesn't look good... Loren: Link, you stay with him and fix him up. I'll go ahead and take care of Saracheddar. Link: Wait! I can't do anything to help him! I don't even know how to amputate a leg properly! Loren: Who said anything about properly? If nothing else just try to stop the bleeding and make sure no one shoots him. Conker: Golly Loren, are you sure you should go face Saracheddar alone? What if he tries to destroy you? Loren: Bah, the only destroying that's going to happen will be coming from my flute. Besides, I have to do it this way. It adds to the dramatic effect. Link and Conker: Oh. Loren: Wish me luck. Loren leaves the two of them in the rain as she stealthily navigates the hallways of the house/compound. Soon she finds a set of stair leading down to the darkness. Loren: Bring it on... She walks down for what seems like three floors until she finally stops in a dimly lit room. There are flashing panels on the walls, along with control consoles with buttons and knobs. In front of her sits a man in a chair. Loren raises her flute to strike. Saracheddar: I wouldn't do that if I were you. Loren (muttering): Whatever... Out of nowhere, a bolt of blue energy leaps from the wall, striking Loren in her hand, and causing the flute to fly from her grip. Saracheddar turns around in his chair, but his face is still heavily concealed. Saracheddar: I told you not to do that. Loren: Alright fogey, drop the crap. What's the big deal with trying to lead us off the path like you did? Saracheddar: Oh, it's quite simple really. I'm surprised you haven't figured it out by now. Loren: Spill it, I haven't got all day. Saracheddar (sighs): Can't even make a diabolical speech anymore...well then fairy, I'll show you. I am not only Saracheddar, I am also... As he speaks these words, the room is illuminated and he can be seen clearly. He looks very similar to the old man that Loren had seen before, but only now his nose looked bigger, his ears looked rounder, his skin tanner, and he's dressed in traditional Gerudo regalia. Loren (gasp): Are you Ganon's father!?! Saracheddar/???: Huh? No, I'm just a really old Gerudo pizza delivery guy. But that has nothing to do with the fact that I am working for Ganon right now. Loren: Figures...but why? Saracheddar/???: He offered me a 401K and a dental plan. But not only that, he also gave me all these neat high tech gadgets. Loren: So you sold out for a pension and some pearly whites, is that all you're going to tell me? Saracheddar/???: Well... (thinking thoughtfully)...considering that I'm about to kill you (Loren laughs slightly), I don't suppose there's any harm in telling you. Ganon's tried to keep this secret so far, but it doesn't really matter now. See, you know that we cannot get to Zelda without the medallions, just as you cannot. At first I was to merely delay you from gaining the medallions until Ganon's forces could reach them. But seeing as that has been unsuccessful so far, I've been given a new task. Loren: Which is? Saracheddar/???: To terminate you and take the medallions that you've already collected. Duh. Loren (sigh): Oh, is that it? And here I thought I was going to be in for a challenge... Saracheddar/???: Don't talk so tough before you see...THIS! There's a bright flash that consumes Saracheddar's body. Loren is forced to shield her eyes from the light until it subsides. Then she's faced with a horrifying beastly sight, one of such hideous caliber that not even a mother could love. Loren (smiling): Now that's more like it. _-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_ In this chapter, on the way to the third and final medallion, the heroes stop off at Saracheddar's to tech him a lesson in honesty. They trek through his house in what I would hope to be at least slightly Metal Gear Solidesque (though having never really played either games, the given effect will have to do). Link and Loren almost share a slightly emotional moment, it turns out that Loren still thinks Link is a sub-quality hero. Conker gets injured and Censorized to numb his pain, and Loren goes on to face Saracheddar alone. She finds out that he's working for Ganon (ooo, plot twist ^.^) and is going to try to kill her now that he is in his ultimate form... But what is it???? Find out next time... (Dun dun dun!) Conker: My, that is some very ominous suspense music you have there. Link: Yeah...say, you getting cold from this rain yet? Conker: Oh, a little pneumonia won't hurt too badly. From Charcoal X on 10.07.02, 14:01: (Loren rushes forwards to attack the ultimate evil, but gets knocked back across the room by something black and leathery. She remains still in the corner, almost passively waiting for the next attack. Link bursts in the door with a closed bear-trap in his hand) Link: I got it off, but Conker's not looking that good, so I got a passing traveler to take him to wherever there might be some hearts. So he's gonna be out for... (His voice slows as he looks towards the apparition which Loren is cowring from. He looks like he's in his 30s, with oiled back black hair, a stern face and a very expensive suit and silk necktie. He is carrying a leather briefcase and has a number of gold pens sticking out of his suit pocket.) Link: So that's his 'ultimate' form then. Doesn't look very scary to me. Ultimate Saracheddar: Do you mind? I'm in a hurry. I have a court appearance to make in an hour. (Realization dawns on Link) Link: AAAAAAAGH! Lawyer! (He runs towards a nearby window and leaps through it. As he is halfway through the scene freezes, with pieces of broken glass hanging in the air, and a sheet of paper appears beside Link, wraps itself around him and seals itself with a red wax seal. He is dragged back by an unknown force and dropped in front of Ultimate Saracheddar.) Link: What the **q* happened!! What happened!!! Loren: You got subpoenaed. Link: **q*! (Ultimate Saracheddar makes an attack. A green number appears above Link's head and there is a sound like a cash register opening.) Link (struggling against the paper): What happened? My heart level's the same but I feel hurt. Loren (trying to sidle along the wall unnoticed): Of course. His attacks don't drain health or magic. They drain rupees. When you've been drained you get kicked to the curb and have to start the battle again. (The document around Link breaks open. Ultimate Saracheddar laughs calmly and makes a note in his notepad. Another green number appears above Links head as before.) Link: I can't take much more of this! I'm gonna shield off his attacks until we have a plan. Loren: Use your shield? It's a paper plate!! That's the one item you haven't upgraded yet! Link: Yes, but I have an idea. Quick! Have you got a pen on you? Loren: No. Why should I? Link: How about a magic marker? Anything? (Loren runs and leaps behind Saracheddar's chair, narrowly avoiding his attacks and eventually finds a pen on a nearby table, which she throws to Link) (Link catches it and writes on the plate on his left arm "State Legal Aid Fund" in large block capitals. Ultimate Saracheddar launches an attack at Link, but it hits the shield and is absorbed harmlessly. Ultimate Saracheddar curses) Link: Now how do you kill one of these things? Loren: Silver or fire. I thought everyone knew that. Link: Well neither of us have any silver, and there are no oil lamps 'round here for our usual trick. Ultimate Saracheddar: I'm afraid you won't find any silver here. Nor any lamp oil. I sold all my lamp oil to Eastern Hyrule. Link: Those guys? But I thought you were working for Ganon. Ultimate Saracheddar: I am. But they paid me money. So who am I to argue? Link: Typical... (Behind Ultimate Saracheddar Loren has managed to find her flute again, and is sighting along the reed at his head.) Ultimate Saracheddar: Anyway, to further discuss our fees... (His hands begin to glow with an unearthly light. Before he can launch his key attack Loren pulls the trigger. He staggers forwards about a foot, but otherwise there is no apparent harm. He turns around to face her.) Ultimate Saracheddar: No shield, no savior! Loren: **q* (She dives for cover again and rolls as she hits the floor.) Loren: Link! Distract him and hand me that bottle of rum that Conker stole. Link: This is no time to drink! Loren: Now!!! And some sugar or flour or something! Link: And it's definitely not time for cookery! Loren: Don't worry. This recipe won't appear in any cookbook. Link: Okay. I think I still have a small bag of icing sugar left. Loren: Perfect. (Link throws the bag and rolls the bottle of rum to Loren, whilst blocking attacks from Saracheddar. He then sifts through his 'armory' and pulls out his lever bow and a single arrow. Snapping the head off, so only a sharp wooden point remains, he slots it into the groove and takes aim at the attorney.) Ultimate Saracheddar: That won't work! Link: Now then, which side's your wallet on? (Ultimate Saracheddar looks on in shock and dives behind a handy table. Loren walks up behind Link with her 'modified' flute and a lit cigarette in her mouth.) Link: What the **q* have you done with that flute? Loren: I've just wedged the optic on this bottle of 151 just down from the mouthpiece. Link: I can **q*ing see that. But why?! Loren: You ever used an airbrush Link? (Link remains silent. She smiles and slides the cigarette cherry end first into a handy hole near the mouthpiece of the flute. She pushes a key and the slight airflow makes the cherry glow amber.) (Link fires the arrow into the ceiling and drops the bow) Ultimate Saracheddar: Hah! You're unarmed now. (He rises to his full height) Loren (smiling evily): This round's on me. (She pulls back the arms of the shot optic whilst pulling the flute trigger. A stream of icing sugar thickened 151 degree proof spirit sprays into the slipstream of the flute and hurtles across the glowing ember of the cigarette. The attorney barely has time to blink as the orange and blue lance f flame his him full in the chest.) Ultimate Saracheddar: **Q*! (The look at the small heap of ash on the floor. Something red glitters amongst it) Loren: Don't look so shocked. One drop of cash in the wrong place and he'll be back. Link: I'm not shocked about that. You used nearly half a bottle of sprits up pulling that trick! Loren: Yeah well. We can buy more. (She bends over and picks up the red ball amongst the ashes.) Link: Looks like a summoning materia. Loren: Yeah. But for what? Link: Whatever a lawyer disguised as a pizza salesman disguised as an old wise man would want to summon I suppose. Loren: Doesn't bear thinking about. Ah well. Onwards and upwards. ************ Loren and Link have defeated Ultimate Saracheddar in a flame-grilled battle of wits, and have received a summon materia of unknown function and a closed bear trap. They now have to get back out of the fortress and to Death and a Whole Lot of Pain Mountain. Conker has been taken away to somewhere where he can be healed and so he is no longer in the party at present. From Six on 12.07.02, 02:45: wow! this thing is still on the first page? Let's keep it going! I'll give it a shot after i catch up. From Cheeseman on 15.07.02, 17:20: *After Link and Loren have left, the young lady that is hired to give Saracheddar sponge baths heads to his house* Girl:Well, I guess they finally figured out that Saracheddar was lieing to them... But what is that pile of ash??? *A muffled cry for help comes from the ash* Girl:That sounds like Saracheddar... *A tied and gagged Saracheddar leaps out of the ashes. The girl unties him* Saracheddar:Thank you! That monster under Ganon's payroll ate me and stole my identity. And not only that, he was a pervert and hired you to give him spongebathes! Girl:Well, Ganon is gonna have a new enemy. He shall feel my wrath. Beware, Ganon, for the Caller Rydia is now your enemy! *Rydia leaves. When she is a reasonable distance away, Saracheddar presses a stone on the wall and a sceen comes out. Ganon is displayed on it.* Ganon:So, how did it go? Saracheddar:They defeated my first robotic clone and his ultimate form. They have no idea who I really am. I've gathered information from that battle, and several of there previous battles. I will use this to create a set of eight robots to defeat them. Ganon:And what was the deal with the summoner you mentioned? Saracheddar(?):I hired her from a charity service for the elderly. I did research on her, and I planted a device on her to control her. I will activate it when they find the last medalion, and she will retrieve it for us. Ganon:Will her summons do the trick? We have seen what Link can do. Saracheddar(?):Yes, I know their skill. I've secretly taught her some evil summons. And our furry fouled mouth spy is going to follow them and ensure victory. Ganon:Ah, good. Well, once we defeat Link, I'll help you defeat that blue fellow your against... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Saracheddar tricks Rydia from FF4 to travel with Link. When they get the medalion, she is to kill Link. Saracheddar gives some clues of things to come, like who he really is(If you can't tell, hit your head a couple of times for me.) and that someone fouled mouth and furry is a spy(Ditto.) From Charcoal X on 15.07.02, 18:24: (The scene opens in the hanger Back in the LRWH. The mechanic and Gen. Podhalanski are talking. The mechanic is indicating at some blueprints on his desk.) General: Are you sure this will work? Its predecessor was a definite burden on our budget and it ran out of power after only a short run. Mechanic: Yes, that's because clockwork is good for blowing air, but runs out too quickly. If you could use the air it blows to wind it back up again you'd have... General: An impossibility! It's an interesting idea, my dear boy, but it will never work. Mechanic: With all respect, sir, I've come up with a plan which will make this air blower a possibility. The vessel housing it is nearing completion. All that is necessary is to whittle the spinning blades out of a suitable metal and the entirety will be complete. (Enter foot soldier. He salutes stiffly whilst carrying a large bag from one of the smaller Hyrule general stores, nearly concussing himself.) General: At ease. Soldier: Report of delivery of... (He rummages in the bag) ...several large display fireworks. Mechanic: Good. Deliver them to the boys over there (He indicates several mechanics lounging off to the side of the room in the manner of garage mechanics everywhere) General: I only hope these stupid things you ordered will come to fruition soon. Let's see... (He pulls a small leather bound book from his pocket) General: Fourteen oil lamps? Mechanic: Vital. General: Twenty yards of copper water pipe? Mechanic: Crucial. General: Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition? Mechanic: Necessary for implementing the... erm... Well the project will be complete within the week. General: And ready for testing? Mechanic: Oh yes. (They both glance briefly at a sinister looking metal shape towards the back of the room. Only a shadow is visible but already it looks dangerous, like a predatory dolphin.) General: We shall see. And of our pilot? Mechanic: No sign of her for weeks. General: We'll use a backup then. Maybe we can use him to track her down. (The scene fades slowly to black and then fades to Link and Loren, who are trudging towards the base of Death and a Whole Lot of Pain Mountain) Link: We've been walking this path for hours. Loren: Yeah, it feels like some really cheap plot device. Link: What? (She pulls out the Players' Guide) Loren: Oh nothing. Now the guide says that we have to travel through the risk-free cave system and navigate the rocks of the mountain, which are completely harmless. Link: Good... Hey! Where did you get my guide from?! Loren: Hammerspace. All of our hammerspaces are linked, even those of members not currently in the main party. Like in some of the FF games. Link: Neat. Speaking of which, did you figure out what that summoning thingy we found does? Loren: Not yet. It'll probably save us from certain death at some point in the future. (There is a sign ahead by the cave entrance. It reads "Warning!! Completely harmless caves ahead. Please wear a soft hat and take no precautions." In much smaller text underneath it reads "Caveat ascendor") Link: (Reading sign) Well there won't be any certain death in these caves, an' that's fer sure. Loren: Yeah. We can grab the third medallion, discover the mozzarella sword and find Zelda and still have time for a light brunch. (A small old man approaches them.) Old Man: May I follow you back to my house on the mountain. Link: Can't you find your own way? Loren: The caves are harmless, but they're still dark. I'll bet he needs someone to light his way. Old Man: Light my way? Oh no, that won't be a problem. I expect the molten lava will do that. (The old man walks into the cave arch and the two follow uncertainly.) Link: Told you it was too good to be true. Loren: Shut up. (They walk through the arch to find a series of needle sharp stalactites poised to fall... Loren (tapping one): Plaster of Paris. (...with a winding and treacherous path...) Link: Look, there are even safety rails. (...topping a lake of bubbling magma...) Loren: And a lake of colored paper maché with some red lighting on it. Link: Neat. All you need now are some animatronic miners to explain the history of the caves. (The old man jumps to life and moves his arms jerkily) Old Man: These caves were founded five years ago, when Hyrule needed a tourist attraction to boost the whole macho "Death and a Whole Lot of Pain Mountain" image. It was made mostly out of kindergarten modeling supplies like colored paper and Elmer's Glue. Amazing the thing still holds up. (On cue there is an ominous groan from the ceiling. A stalactite falls and smashes against the path) Old Man: Ah yes... glorious days when this place was still a treacherous deathtrap. Brings back memories... (They pick him up and drag him to the other end of the caves just before a large series of crashes blocks the entire cave system.) Link: **q*! Old Man: My! That was a surprise. That's never happened before. Anyway, this is my house, which backs onto the cave system. And as a reward I shall give you a magical gift. (He hands them an object) Link: It's a mirror. Old Man: Yes, but it's a magical mirror. It can see through to... (His voice switches to one like the Voice Over guy in the 'Thriller' video) ...THE OTHER SIDE! (Link slowly holds up the mirror. He waves to Loren on the other side. Loren waves back to him. Link and Loren turn to face the old man) Link: It's a piece of glass. Loren: A piece of glass in a frame. Old Man: Yes... but... Just keep it anyway. It may bring you luck. Loren: Okay then. (They leave the house and walk along the mountain path outside. It has flourishing flowers and trees casting sweet cherry blossom. There is a definite lack of tumbling boulders or evil monsters. A lone hermit in saffron robes is sitting cross legged on a flat rock. He appears to be meditating, but is slowly counting under his breath.) Hermit: That's 30 minutes. I should get it free now! Loren: Sorry? What are you talking about? Hermit: Oh. (He notices the bystanders). I ordered a pizza from that delivery guy in Gerudo. But it's been over half an hour. So I don't have to pay my 25 rupees. Link: You paid 25 rupees for a pizza?! Hermit: Yes. I ordered one with everything. Loren: Well I think you'll have to wait a while for that order. Or ask for another delivery guy. (She reflects back to the cave entrance) Preferably one that can fly. Hermit: If you can get the pizza to me then I will give you a gift in return. Link: What gifts have you got? Hermit: I used to study at the monastery further along these mountains. They taught the subtle art of fashioning the edge of a razor and the heft of a feather onto a blade of purest milk, salt and rennet. The original mozzarella katana was destroyed in a fire many years ago, but I can make one anew if you bring to me my pizza and a large lump of cheese. Link: Wow! We so have to get this guy's pizza now. Loren: Hello! We're stuck up here. Link: Well... we could... climb down. Loren: Maybe later. We have a medallion to find first. Hermit: Oh that thing. It's on a big rock on the peak of the mountain. It's yours for the taking, just follow this harmless path. (They follow the path up the mountain, up ladders, steps and winding paths with no sharp corners eventually crossing the tree line reaching the bald peak. The medallion sits unguarded on top of a short pedestal. There is a brass plaque attached beside it.) Loren (reading aloud): The harmless and boring medallion, also known as the Limburger medallion, is the most useless of the magic medallions. Most thieves and barbarian pillagers have got bored with it before getting two steps and put it back, but for you safety and convenience we discourage tourists from stealing this medallion. Link: So... you want to steal it or shall I? ************ Link and Loren have found out that the original mozzarella sword was destroyed, but have found a hermit who knows the secret of creating it. They have also received a frame with a piece of clear glass in it from an old man, and are now standing just next to the final medallion. From Cheeseman on 15.07.02, 18:40: *The old man who knows the secret of making the Mozerrela sword presses a button and a screen pops up. Saracheddar(?) is on it* Saracheddar:So how did the plan go? Old man:Very well. They think I know the secret of making a new sword. Little do they know it is actually in the Pizza that they are to fetch for me. I also gave them the mirror to warp them to the Demension of Cheese so they will be stuck there forever! Saracheddar:You fool! It takes you out of the Demension of Cheese! It will allow them to progress to Sauron's Tower where the Limburger Medalion is held. The one they are looking at is a fake! Old man: Didn't Sauron die when the One Ring was destroyed? Saracheddar:Yeah. All that's in his tower beside the hoardes of monsters is a thing which allows people to keep there true form in the Cheese Demension. The monsters will be able to finish them. Old man:So, how did your battle with them go? *In the shadows, Rydia watches and listens to Saracheddar's story of the battle. She softly swears at Saracheddar for lieing about the story and runs to help Link* From Kuryo on 16.07.02, 00:38: (We join our -1 party again on the Death and a Whole Lot of Pain Mountain, staring down the cheesy goodness of the fake Limburger Medallion. Just before Link can 'borrow' the medallion from the stand, Rydia comes charging up the path.) Rydia: Link! Link! Don't touch it! It's a- (Rydia trips, and needless to say, a rather small chip falls from her body and bounces along the ground, sliding to a stop conveniently under Links descending boot. With a crunch, the Control Chip is destroyed as Link turns around.) Link: **q*? Rydia: It's not real. (Loren wraps her arms around her chest, a look of surprise on her face.) Loren: I swear I never got- Rydia: Not you! Fool, the Medallion. (Loren sweatdrops) Rydia: The old man was lying, and he can't make the Mozzerella sword. I do, however, know of the location of a much better weapon. (Links face lights up) Link: Weapon? Rydia: Yes, the X-Calibre. Link: **q*? (Rydia explains how it's a sword fashioned with a gun built in. Links smile consumes his face.) Link: Where is this X-Calibre? (Rydia points to a spot beyond the medallion. The X-Calibre is laying on open view, in moments Link is all over it like white on rice.) Link: **Q*! Loren: **Q*! Rydia: My ears! (Link waves the X-Calibre menacingly. Stopping for a rare instant of thought, Link reaches into his hammer space and pulls out a tv, a SNES, a Game Genie and a controller. After a few minutes of perusing a small booklet, Link presses several buttons quickly and smiles, leaving the entire thing on as he puts it back in Hammerspace. Smiling, Link returns to the group.) Loren: What did you do? Link: Infinite Ammo code. Loren: Cheating bastard. Play the game right. Rydia: Cheater... (Link skips on down the mountain and goes to the Old Man, flaunting his new weapon, which accidentally goes off in the mans face. Link, fearing someone will come along, kicks the old man over the guard rail into the semi-treacherous mountain side.) Link: Yeah, um, let's go? (Link takes off down the mountain, Loren in close pursuit and Rydia deciding to follow behind.) After a sudden appearance from Rydia, the control chip is dislodged and destroyed. Link acquires an actual weapon and discovers that the medallion is a fake. Accidentally killing the old man, Link fears retailiation and left the mountain with Loren and Rydia. Tune in Next time for even more... stuff. From roadman on 16.07.02, 01:37: Link: Well, the Limburger medallion was a fake, now what? Loren: I don't know, let's look for a way down the mountain. (Our intrepid heros wander around aimlessly for several minutes, until they come across a small, two story building) Link: hmmm, wonder what this place is? Loren: Well, according to the sign, it's the "Conveniently Placed Bar", well, we might as well go in. (As they enter the bar, there are several people sitting at the bar, but only one of them stands out) Link: Conker!!! how did you get here. Conker: Basic rule of RPGs #1, no character suffers life threatening injuries and dies unless there scripted to die. So it was just a night stay at an inn and good 40 of whiskey. Loren: Well, glad your back and ok, but we need to get down from the mountain. Conker: You can try asking some of the people here, I would imagine at least one of them know how to get down. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get my mac on. (Conker walks over to Rydia) Conker: Hey baby, how you doing. *SMACK* Rydia: You do know I'm only like 9, right. (Link goes over to the generic male NPC # 3) Link: Hey do you know how to down from this mountain? Generic male NPC # 3: *sigh*....times are tough. Link: Ok, that still doesn't answer my question. Generic male NPC # 3: *sigh*....times are tough. Link: Not this again.... TAT guy:*sigh*....times are tough. Link:**q* this. (Link walks away) TAT guy:*sigh*....times are tough. (Meanwhile, Rydia asks another male NPC) Rydia: How do you get down from this mountain? Male NPC: You don't get down from this mountain. Rydia: What? NPC: You get down from duck, not a mountain. Rydia: Whatever... (Loren asks the bartender) Loren: Hey, do you know how to get off this mountain? Barkeep: Yes I do, please follow me.. (The group, now back together again, and one more member strong, go outside to see what the Bartender has to show them) Barkeep: You see that ridge over there, just jump off of it and you'll be at the bottom in no time. Loren: You mean the one with the sharp, pointy rocks at the bottom? Barkeep: Yeap, that's the one, now if you'll excuse me, I must go and look after the bar, goodbye. Rydia: Well, it looks like all we can do is jump. (Just then, Dark Link appears out of the shadows) Dark Link: HAHAHA, I've got you know, and there's no oil lamps up here to save you know. Link: How do you not die!!! DL: Basic rule of RPGs #2, the main villain is fought at least 4 times in a game, and never seams to die. (Link takes a shot at DL with X-Caliber) (Dark Link reflects the shot skilfully with his sword) DL: HAHAHA, your weapons are useless.. Rydia: Oh yeah, try this, "Summon: OIL LAMP" (Suddenly, a large oil lamp appears over Dark Link's head and breaks, dousing him in lamp oil) Lorenlooking in her pockets for something) **q*, I must have dropped my lighter!! Link: Wait a minute, I have an idea!! Conker: (under his breath) there's a first. (Link pulls out the "magical" piece of glass..um.. I mean "mirror") Link: Hey, stand still. (Link strategically places the mirror so the sun forms a small point of light on Dark Link.) (Dark Link bursts into flame) Dark Link: Damn it! Link: Dodge THAT, ***q*!!! (Dark Link disappears in a cloud of smoke) Loren: Well, now that that's over, let's get off the mountain. But I do have one question. How did you know Dark Link's weakness Rydia? Rydia: Simple, Basic rule of RPGs #3, all characters that can join the party know what happened/is happening even if there not there. Link: Ok, let's get off this **q*ing mountain. (They jump off) Loren: Hey, these sharp, pointy rocks are made out of foam! _______________________________________ And so our heros get off the mountain and learn some basics of RPGs, they also defeat Dark Link yet again. From Author X on 16.07.02, 02:16: Before they reached the bottom of the mountain, the group landed on a cliff with a short wall all around it and a portal of some kind. Link looked very worried. "Uh oh... we're trapped!" "What?" "There's an unscalible wall surrounding us!" "What the **Q* are you talking about? We can just hop right over it. It's barely knee-high." Rydia shook her head. "No, we can't. Basic RPG rule number twelve, all stone and otherwise indestructible barriers cannot be crossed, no matter what the size." "But why was this cliff right where we jumped off." "Basic RPG rule number-" Loren stopped her, "Forget it. Besides, we can just go through this swirly portal-y thing over here. It's quite remarkable, really." "I agree, the very physics of it's appearance are mind-boggling." "Indeed, a reproduction of such amazing thing would truly be an incredible site to behold." "In fact, I might even take the time to describe the very awe-inspiring nature of this truly extraordinary phenominon if we weren't in such a hurry." And so, they stepped through, into the portal. In the Cheese Dimension, A circular card-board cut-out with a magic marker swirl sat on the cliff, which opened to a nearby cave. A panther, a green duck, an immoble statue of a winged cat, and Rydia fell through. Rydia got up and rubbed her back. "That was... dissorienting. Loren, the panther, stretched out and looked around. "Hey, cool." Link, the duck, looked extremely perturbed. "Okay, what the **Q* just happened?" Rydia Conker just sat there, being an immoble satue of a winged cat. From Kuryo on 16.07.02, 03:36: (We once again join our heroes as they have entered the Cheese Dimension. Remarkably, it smells nothing like cheese. Link has become a duck, Loren a panther, and Conker a... statue.) Link: If I quack once, kill me. Loren: No prrrroblem. Link: Not you Rydia: What about Conker? What do we do about him? Loren: Nothing, let's go. (Rydia, refusing to leave a partner behind, pushes the statue back through the portal and drags it back in, turning it into...) Conker: Oi. That was a weird dream, I dreamt I was turned to stone. (Link, Rydia and Loren just stare at what Conker had become. The re-entry had turned Conker into a little yellow bird.) Link: Hey, it's Tweety! Conker: **q*? Loren: Lunch! Rydia: NO! No eating Conker. Conker: Eat Conker? (Conker looked at himself in a nearby reflective pool and jumped backwards.) Conker: BLOODY **Q*IN HELL! WHAT THE **Q* HAPPENED TO ME!? **Q*! Link: Quiet, I can't hear myself think. Loren: You can process a thought? Link: Amazingly, no. Lets go kill things. (Link starts to waddle off when Loren slaps a paw down on Link's tail feathers.) Loren: You could barely hurt cotton with your beak. Link: Oh yeah? I'll show you. (The four of them continued along the pathway, heading out into a massive open clearing. All around them there was nothing but mountains.) Link: I don't get it, why is this place called the Cheese Dimension? (Almost as if the phrase itself triggered it, a giant wheel of cheese landed on top of Link. Luckily it was swiss and Link entered one of the holes.) Link: **Q*! Loren: Hey! A cheese wheel! Transportation! Lets try and lift it up. (Link scrambles from the hole and attempts to help lift the cheese wheel. With alot of effort and little help from each other, the 4 make it up onto the top of the righted wheel and began running backwards, propelling themselves forward.) Link: Well, this is convenient. Loren: We have to try this again some day. Conker: Remind me to break it off with you once that happens. Rydia: Quiet down and get rolling. (At about this time, one of Loren's panther paws get theclaws stuck in the cheese wheel and Loren is rolled towards the ground at high speed, becoming a living speed bump in no time. Still hokked to the wheel by her claws, Loren comes back around and unhooks herself, visibly battered, Loren trots along.) Conker: Nice of you to join us again. Hard to believe you're still alive. Rydia: Let's see, that another rule, uh... Loren: **Q*! HOW CAN THERE POSSIBLY BE A RULE FOR GETTING CRUSHED BY A GIANT CHEESE WHEEL WHILE ROLLING IT AROUND A MASSIVE PLAIN! Rydia: You'll be surprised what they come up with on a whim. Loren: I'd bet. (The four continue rolling their cheese wheel along.) Link: Keep rollin, rollin, rollin, rollin... Loren: What the **q* are you doing? Link: Erm, singing? Loren: Who sings that song? Link: Fred Durst of Limp Bizkit, why? Loren: Dear God, LET HIM SING IT! (So ends another chapter in the voyage of our heroes. Tune in again next time for more exciting chapters. I want to do the next Dark Link gag though. My turn.) From Cheeseman on 16.07.02, 13:56: *On the other side of the warp, Dark Link appears from the shadows. He walks around the gate and on the otehr side, sees what he was looking for.* Dark Link:Ahh... I new it. This is the X-calibur. Or X-caliburs as I chould put it. Link should of known that this item was too good to be true. It isn't allowed into the Cheese Demension, and by the time you get it, generally the enemies in the main demension are too weak for it to be really useful. Yet still, all of these could be a problem... So... *Dark Link raises his hands at the X-caliburs. All but one evaporate in a cloud of black mist.* Dark Link:There... And I think I'll take this last one for myself... It tis truely not even a close match for the true sword they are after, but it will do... Well, time to report to Saracheddar. *Dark Link pulls a cellphone out of his pocket. He dials and calls Saracheddar.* Dark Link:Saracheddar, Dark Link here. Saracheddarf course its you! Your voice is too recognizable. Dark Link: Whatever. The group has found there way into the Cheese Demension. Rydia is still under your control, but they don't expect it. They think they got her control chip out. It was just the fake. Saracheddar: Exellent! My eight robots to gaurd the Cheese Crystals in the eight dungeons are almost complete. Still, we need Zelda... But it does not matter. Gannon has it under his control. Well, talk to you later. *Dark Link puts the phone away and heads to pick up the remaining X-calibur.* Dark Link: What a fool Link is. He thought he'd be able to get a ultimate weapon this early? The Mozzerrela sword even needs to be upgraded. What a fool. He has no idea he couldn't bring this into the Cheese Demension. *Dark Link reaches for the X-calibur. As he touches it, it bursts into flames and melts. Dark Link feels a heckofalot of pain. A note falls off that says "Actually, Dark Link, I knew I wouldn't be able to keep this. And you weren't be able to either-Link"* Dark Link:Well, he actually has a brain. Setting the sword to melt when I touch it so I burst into flames... Well, I guess the X-calibur is no more. Well, I'll find a new weapon. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Link loses the X-calibur and Dark Link comes to get it. It bursts into flames, and a note revealing Link actually has some intelligence appears. The rest of Link's party have no idea the sword(s) are gone yet. Is Link trying to hide his intelligence? Who knows. From Kuryo on 16.07.02, 14:38: (As we rejoin our party, everything that has preveiously has been acquired has been undone. Or has it? The four have stopped for a break from their cheese wheel.) (Link pecks around under his feathers, finding the X-Calibre hiddin in his hammerspace, where everything goes. Link was glad he made those papier mache copies.) Link: Heh heh heh. Loren: What's the maniacal laughter for? Turning into an evil genius on us? Link: No, not really. Loren: Yeah, I guess you're right, I mean evil -genius- and all. Rydia: So how close are we to wherever we're rolling this cheese to? (Link Loren and Conker all look at each other, then back to Rydia.) Conker: We're supposed to be going somehwere? NPC Man: You should search out the cheese crystals, for they hold great power. Link: Where'd you come from? NPC Man: You should search out the cheese crystals, for they hold great power. (Link, careful not to say anything within earshot of the NPC, turns back to the group.) Link: Hey, I think we should search for the cheese crystals. Rydia: Well, we won't find them sitting here. Maybe we could ask at a town we come across. (Rydia begins climbing back up the cheese wheel, but slips and falls off. When she hits the ground 299 control chips fall off of her just as the cheese wheel lands on top of them, destroying them all. The four lift the cheese wheel back up and manage to get on it without falling off.) Link: What's that over there? Loren: Looks like a city. Rydia: Lets stop there and ask for directions. Conker: Bah! Are you kidding, you don't need directions, as a man, I have impeccable sense of direction. Loren: Right, we're stopping for a map. Link: LET'S MAKE BISCUTS! Rydia: Shut up Gir. Loren: **q*? Rydia: Don't ask. (And the party continues along their way to the nameless city.) (And so everything that has come to pass still is. Link still had his X-Calibre, Rydia still is uncontrollable yet again and Link needs to stop watching Invader Zim. Don't undo what I do again, I have a reason for it. ) From Author X on 16.07.02, 18:45: OOC: Ya, it's not nice to keep on messing up what others do just because it changes what you did. This has done so many 180's I'm getting dizzy. And no, fixing it when others do it doesn't count. And BTW, don't forget that in the cheese dimension, there shouldn't be many normal people. I'm surprised noone complained that Rydia didn't change. From Cheeseman on 16.07.02, 18:58: OOC: Yeah, I'm sorry for that. I just thought the weapon was to powerful. I won't do that again. Oh, and one thing... The Cheese Crystals aren't in the Demension of Cheese yet. If you remember, Ganon needs to get all the maidens to enter the Cheese Demension. And then he puts them in the crystals and spreads them throughout the differnent dungeons. Link still needs the last medalion to free Zelda so Ganon can kidnap her. And Link needs the item in the tower with the medalion so he can keep his normal form. From Kuryo on 16.07.02, 19:04: *OOC: Well if the Medallions not in the Cheese Dimension why are they there in the first place?* From Cheeseman on 16.07.02, 19:07: quote: Originally posted by Kuryo *OOC: Well if the Medallions not in the Cheese Dimension why are they there in the first place?* OOC:If you played Link to the past, you go into the other demension, head to the tower, and go through it in the normal demension. At the top is the last medalion. From Kuryo on 16.07.02, 19:18: *OOC: That I haven't done. Oh well. You know what to do, you cover it then.* From Cheeseman on 16.07.02, 19:30: OOC: Okay, I'll send them into the tower. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Link:Wait, lets head up the mountain again. We need to go to the tower and get the Limburger Medalion. We need to free Zelda. Lorenkay, I'll lead the way, you most likely will get lost. *They walk along toward the tower.* Loren:Well, this tower seems to be unreachable from this demension at least. Must be opened in the other one though.... Link:How can you tell? Loren:I've been learning the RPG rules. But how do we get back? Rydia:I know!*Rydia takes out the mirror and uses it. They end up in the normal demension at the entrance of Sauron's Tower, which is filled with Ganon's monsters.* Rydia:Well, I'm betting it is at the top. Conker:Why? Loren:RPG rule numbe-- Conker:Got it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well, they are at Sauron's tower, straight from Lord of the Rings. Sauron has been long dead, but Ganon has monsters in here. Somewhere in here will be an item similar to the Moon Orb of Link to the past. It will allow them to keep form in the Cheese Demension. From roadman on 18.07.02, 01:12: OOC: I have a great idea for when/just after the get the last medallion, but before they go and do something with it. From Charcoal X on 21.07.02, 14:04: (The party of four stand at the dread portal to Sauron's Tower. It is a work of art insofar as ominous doorways go, straight from the old school of cast-iron and age hardened oak. Every feature of it suggests "no entry" in flashing colors. Except one.) Link: They're wide open. Let's charge the lobby. Loren: Hang on a minute. Don't you think it's a little suspicious that they have these huge doors and leave them wide open? Link: We're well armed. We have magic. Why worry? (The party stands around loading various weapons, out of the view of the doorway) Loren: We should have slurbows for this kinda deal. Rydia: How many up there? Loren: Not a clue. Could be 3-4 score. Rydia: We got any guys there? Loren: None at all. Rydia: None? Loren: We should have **q*ing slurbows Rydia: Cool it. You have your flute and Conker has his guns and Link has his... his... What weapon do you still have Link?! (Link looks down at his feet) Link: I... I don't know anymore. I think I still have this wooden board that broke in half. Rydia: Cool. I'll have them. (She ties her hair back and takes the two boards) Link: Hey! Um... Well I guess I have this half eaten Swiss sword... Conker: There's still some of that left? (He grabs the remainder and eats it) Link: Fine! I'll just use my paper plate as a weapon. Loren: You still have your bow, remember. Rydia: Crossbows? But the 2nd Hylian Council interdict forbids the use of crossbows amongst... Loren (cutting in): Loren's rule #1 - Shut the **q* up and get on with it. We haven't got all day. (Rydia looks up, shocked. Link takes sudden interest in loading up his bow) [OOC: Does Link still have the X-Calibre or not?] (Loren waves her modified wand of censorship and the party's clothes change. Link is wearing black versions of his normal clothes, covered by a long black trenchcoat, Loren is wearing a long black cocktail dress [as of Aya Brea] and Conker is inexplicably yellow, with red cheek patches. Rydia is unchanged.) Link: Lets rock. Conker (looking at hands): Someone WILL die for this. Rest assured. (Link and Loren walk slowly through the doorway, up to the two security guards barring the way to the inner tower.) Guard #1: Excuse me 'sir', you carrying any weapons. Link: No. Guard #2: Please place any keys, money or other metallic items onto the tray. (He indicates a small tray) (Link slowly opens his coat) Guard #2: **q*ing hell! Link: What? There's nothing there but my clothes. (The guards are looking past him) Guard #2: It's Pikachu! I gotta get this guy's autograph. Guard #1: Yeah. Me too. (They walk up to Conker) Guard #1: Hey Pikachu, can I have an autograph? Please? It's for my kid. Conker: You mother**q*ing *q*holes. I'm not **q*ing Pikachu! (He pulls out his twin machine guns and takes out both guards in a hail of bullets. More guards rush into the room but are immediately dispatched by Conker's incandescent rage) NPC: Wait! Stop! (Conker slows down and stops) Conker: Who the **q* are you? NPC: I'm the scriptwriter for the Legend of Zelda, the US animated series. Conker: Oh. Well I don't give a flying **q*. (He raises his guns. Link places his foot on the barrel of one of them, holding it down.) Conker: Wait. What the **q* are you doing? Link: This one's mine. (Loren, Rydia and Conker slowly walk towards the stairway to the upper floors, trying to ignore the sounds of a soft object being struck repeatedly with a five iron and the shouts of "cast me as Zelda's bitch will you" and "well excuuuuse me, *q*hole" coming from Link behind them. They climb the stairs and Link catches up with them on the hallway above. The golf club is miraculously undamaged) Loren: Did you have fun Link? Link: Yeah. Tomorrow I'm gonna find the animators and a large cheese grater. Rydia: That boy has serious problems. Conker: Someone stop me looking like a **q*in' pokémon otherwise you'll all have some serious problems. (Loren waves the wand and Conker and Link change back to normal.) Loren: Happy? Now this hallway splits into three. I recommend that we split up. (Each path has a sign above it. The left one reads "Practically unarmed green haired magic users", the right one reads "Small furry animals secretly working for Ganon" and the center one reads "Main heroes and faeries with projectile weapons") Link: Which path do we take? Loren: Shut up. Anyway, all separate paths will either lead to a secret and a dead end or join the main path again. RPG rule... Link: Okay, okay. (She walks down the center path and Link follows. Conker and Rydia go their separate ways) (Link and Loren travel down their corridor until they come to a door. Loren looks through the keyhole.) Loren: **q*. It's locked and full of Ganon's infantry. Link it's over to you. Link: Not a **q*ing clue. Unless... (He looks at one of the large jars in the corridor.) Link: You shoot the lock off, I'll run in and throw this jar at them, Loren: Umm... k then. What if it goes wrong? Link: It won't. (Link picks up a large jar and holds it to his stomach instead of above his head, enabling him to fit through the door. Loren shoots through the lock and the two rush in.) Link: Everybody stay cool. This here is pottery. Loren (raising flute): Any of you **q*ing pigs move and I'll execute every mother**q*ing last one of you!!! (There are about 20 of Ganon's porcine infantrymen in the room. Three of them raise their tridents. Link throws the pot and it misses completely, smashing on the floor. Panicking, he pulls out his crossbow) Link: Umm... Loren. Loren: Yes? Link: Some of the **q*ing pigs moved. And there's at least a score of them. Loren: ... Link: So what now? Loren: Let's just cut to the credits. (To be continued...) ************ The party has split up into three groups. Link and Loren are currently in deep **q*, Conker and Rydia are traveling separate paths. From Urch on 21.07.02, 17:07: (in an unseen place, Ganon watches two monitors, one has Link and Loren getting ready to die.) Ganon: Perfect, they are almost out of my sight. (Dark Link opens the door and stands next to him, as one of te screens flicker to Conker shooting up dozens of foot soldiers.) Dark Link: Well, it seems you finally have grown up. Ganon: Yes, well, putting up those stupid signs was brilliant. Link was stupid enough to follow the middle path, and now Conker is fighting hordes, Rydia is walking down a pointless path which Majora has set up, and now Link and the fair girl are nearing their death. Dark Link: That will be my doing, I'm going down there, just watch and learn. (Dark Link leaves and the screen flickers again) Ganon: Fighting evil by moonlight, winning love by daylight, never running from a real fight, she is the one named Sailor Moon, Oh goodie, I love this! From Author X on 21.07.02, 17:59: Conker, as a matter of fact, was having a heck of a good time. BRAAAAAAAAT "DIE, expendable minions, DIE!!!" "But you're supposed to be a spy on our side!" "AND YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DYING!!!! MWAHAHAHAAAA!!!!" BRAAAAAAAAT "WHEEEEEEE!!!" Rydia, on the other hand, wasn't having much fun. "Alright, I can tell there's something magical at the end of this hallway, but why can't I seem to reach it?" She turned to look back down the other way. "And I could have sworn I haven't walked that far yet." --------- Conker seems to have forgotten about being a spy for Ganon and is just enjoying himself, and we can only assume that Ganon forgot because... well... he has the attention span of a wet paper bag. I don't think Dark Link knew about it in the first place, either. Rydia's stuck in Majora's hallway, with no way in or out. From Cheeseman on 21.07.02, 20:00: OOC:Yes, Link still has the X-calibur. From Kuryo on 21.07.02, 21:09: *We rejoin our main heroes, Link and Loren, as they attempt to defeat the entire enemy army ahead of them with barely any weaponry. Let's see how they're doing.* Link: Oh! You lose! *The minion grumbles and disappears in a puff of smoke.* Loren: I can't believe this... *Another minion walks up to Link, hand out, both Link and the minion raise their hands in fists above their head. They appear that they're about to bash each other.* Link: You're mine. Minion #16: Grrrraaaahhhh!!!!! *Both the minion and Link bring their hands down, but instead of bashing each other, they swing their hands down in front them themselves and make shapes with their hands. The minion left its hand balled up in a fist, however, Link's hand is stretched out flat.* Link: Paper! I beat you! Ha! *With another grumble, the minion banishes itself from the dimension. This continues like this until the room is empty.* Loren: Link, you're an idiot. Link: Just because you didn't think of it. Loren: Whatever. *Link and Loren find a door at the other side of the room and go through it. They come into a large chamber with a giant bowl in the center supported by two pillars. As the door closes, the bowl erupts in flames and the room is lit up. It appears to be under construction, as their is scaffolding and many tools lying around.* Voice: I tohught you'd never make it here. Link: **q*? *Dark Link steps from the shadows beneath the bowl and presents himself.* Dark Link: And now there's no way to defeat me, your little summoner friend is on an endless journey now. Link: **q*! Drak Link: Prepare to eat steel. *Dark Link draws a rather large and impressive sword and aims it towards Link.* Link: Hold it! *Dark Link stops dead in his tracks.* Dark Link: What!? *Link reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small marble. Turning to his right, Link kneels down and aims along a crack in the ground. With a flick of his thumb, the marble leaves his hand and roll along, guided by the crack in the floor. Link turns back to Dark Link.* Link: Proceed. *Dark Link doesn't move, but instead watches the marble roll along the floor. The marble hits the handle of a shovel, which in turns falls from it's upright perch and falls on the upraised portion of a board, flinging a small rock into the air. The rock comes down on the edge of another board higher up on the scaffolding, sending a heavy bucket up and across the room. The bucket of bolts hits another board, launching several bricks in different directions. Each brick launches another heavy bucket towards the exact same location, a large stone ball high up on the wall. Each bucket slams hard into the ball, causing it to rumble and shake, but alltogether not go anywhere. Dark Link turns back to Link.* Dark Link: Well, that was special. I hope you got what you wished for. *Link produced nothing but a large smile. Loren was visibly disturbed and went for her Flutebow, but Link stopped her. There was a crash as the heavy stone ball dislodged itsef finally and fell to the top level of the scaffolding. The ball rolled across the top and fell off the edge, rolling across the next floor. THe ball continued backc and forth across several levels of scaffolding before it reached the ground floor. Ricocheting off a large stone brick, the stone ball rolls in the direction of Dark Link. Dark Link just barely jumps out of the way, nearly getting crushed.* Dark Link: Sneaky trick, you little punk, now I'm definaitely going to kill you. *As Dark Link spoke, the stone ball rolled into the base of alarge stone pillar at the side of the room. With a loud crack, the pillar broke and fell forward over the ball. The pillar clips the edge of the iron bowl, flipping it over and dispensing it's flaming contents directly onto Dark Link. Before Dark Link can even scream, the heavy iron bowl falls over top of him, followed by several heavy chunks of brick. Muffled screams can be heard from underneath the bowl. Link turns to Loren with a giant smile on his face, Loren is visibly shocked.* Loren: Link! How did you know that would happen!? Link: I don't know, I wanted the shovel to go flying and hit him, but that works too. *Link and Loren cross the room and go through another door. They can see the pedestal that bears the last medallion farther into the room ahead of them.* *And so ends todays chapter. Tune in again next time.* From Urch on 21.07.02, 22:25: Chapter Two: The Final Medallion, Zelda, the betrayl, and the cheese dimension. (ganon screms at the monitor) Ganon: NO!!! That little moron actually got Dark Link with just luck? Why can't he be strong headed like his damn ancestor and just hurry so IT kills him!? (He grabs the monitor and it blows up in his grasp. Another monitor blinks up and shows Twin Rova.) TR: My my, poor Ganondorf. Ganon: SHUT UP YOU **Q*ING ***Q*!! I DON'T NEED YOUR ANNOYANCE ADDED TO THIS!! TR: Oh Ganny, just try to lok at it from my way. It's a minor setback. WHo cares about DL? No one did. Besides, he abused you didn't he? (Ganon thinks for a minute.) Ganon: YOU'RE RIGHT! Why should I worry about that spoil sport?! Thanks Teresa! (The monitor showing Ganon flickers off.) TR: Moron. Well, better get ready to find Dark Link and get him riled up as well. Better grab the orb as well, don't want Link to win.(Meanwhile, the screen showing Twin Rova flickers off) Ganon: She's right Usagi!(Holds a small Sailor Moon doll) I can defeat Link even without Dark, and I'm that good. (MEanwhile, Conker is blasting away for fun, we join Rydia. walking down nothing. She ponders what is at the end of the hal, and notices some repitition of the hall. She walks along as a hand coms from the wall and grabs her arm,, pulling her in.) Rydia: AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! (She grabs a largew stabber knife 4000 and stabs the arm.) Majora: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! From Author X on 22.07.02, 17:17: "**Q*!" Majora knocked her away and pulled the knife out. "THAT **Q*ING HURT, YOU ***Q*! WHAT WERE YOU **Q*ING THINKING? YOU DON'T JUST OUT AND **Q*ING STAB SOMEONE!" She began to get chills up and down her spine as dark energy was gathered into the room. "YOU'LL **Q*ING PAY FOR THAT, ***Q*!" Shadows swirled around him and circled around his arms, and purple light seemed to break out every now and then, as well as coming out of the wound. She was forced against the wall, her arms pressed firmly there by some unseen force. He approached her and raised his hands behind him, "STUPID GIRL, YOU GO SQUISH NOW!" He thrust his arms forward, and at the same time her leg went up, then he stopped, the magic dissapated, and he fell over and into a fetal position. The exits appeared a few feet up and down the hall, as well as a passageway in the wall itself Majora had been hiding in. From Charcoal X on 25.07.02, 22:36: (Loren and Link walk forwards towards the room containing the last medallion. It is on a pedestal in the open air on the castle roof. Just as they reach it there is a loud clang behind them. Dark Link has thrown the iron bowl to one side and is striding towards them, lightly charred) Dark Link: That's it. You **q*ers die now! Security! Security!!!! (He pulls a lever and another door onto the roof opens) Dark Link: Now what're you gonna do? Ahahahah!!!! (Conker walks through the door, his guns smoking gently) Conker: I really must complain about your room service here. (Dark Link looks on stunned) Conker: The mother**q*ers kept dodging when I was trying to plug them. Dark Link: But... but. There were supposed to be fifty armed guards waiting in that room. Conker: Really? Can't say I noticed. Dark Link: And five Ball-and-Chain troopers. (The ball of a morningstar rolls past him) Conker: Is that what they were? Dark Link: And... and... and you were supposed to be on our side!!!! Ganon told me! Conker: I got bored. (He levels his guns at Dark Link) Conker: And I'm pretty **q*ing blasé about my work at the moment too. Dark Link: I'll be back! You wait and see! (He runs towards the door at the base of a second tower opening onto the roof and rushes inside) Link: He always is. Conker: Serves the *q*holes right for not paying me. Link: Now let's just grab the medallion and run. (Link runs towards the pedestal, but the air in front of him wavers and a masked Majora appears, holding a large knife to Rydia's throat) (The sky darkens and rain begins to fall in a deluge. Lightning splits the sky) Link: Who the **q* are you?! Let her go you piece of **q*! Loren: Hold it! I know this guy. Know him too well. He's too powerful for any of us to take on. Link: Can't Rydia do some magic on him? Majora: You wish. I cast mute on her. (Link looks at the strip of duct tape running across Rydia's mouth) Link: **q*! Majora: Face it. I'm better than the lot of you. (Majora raises his hand and Conker, who has been trying to creep up behind him, is flung against the wall. He hits Rydia over the head and she slides to the ground in front of him) Link: **q* you! (He pulls the X-calibre and charges towards Majora. Majora pulls out a small doll dressed in green and screws it up into a ball. Link drops to the floor in a ball and lets out a stream of profanities) Majora: And now my favorite little friend Loren... (He walks slowly toward Loren, head tilted in a nauseating smile) (The lightening illuminates a figure atop the nearest tower. He alights elegantly on the ground, phosphorescent like a spirit against the rough hewn stonework. He is holding what looks like a battleaxe across his chest in both hands.) Loren: Alex?! (Alexander smiles and bows stiffly. He steps forwards to reveal the implement in his hands is guitar, but with a flat solid body and odd shaped head. It looks like the most non-acoustic instrument ever designed) Alex: I solemnly swore that I would never touch an instrument again. (He eyes the fallen around him) But you've gone too far this time Majora. And I swear destruction upon you and your kind before you even disturb the air that Loren breathes) (He plucks a string on the guitar. It rings like a Bell.) Loren (hesitantly): Alex. Be good. (Alex looks down at the strings and smiles again) Alex: I will. Majora: Hah. As if you could kill anyone, let alone with a guitar. (The rain beats out a rhythm on the rooftop. Alex starts tapping his foot) (Majora becomes impatient and starts walking towards Alex) (Loren brushes her damp hair out of her face with her hands and turns to face Majora's back) Majora: Get on with it. DO something or I'll kill you. **q* it. I'll kill you anyway. (Alex slams the guitar into life. It screams like an angel through a bullhorn in complete revulsion of the wizard Majora, and against all weird mask-wearing perverts who stalk beautiful young sopranos. The tune is oddly familiar. Loren smiles) Loren (sop.): In sleep he stared at me Through his X-10 I thought I stopped him once I think again I kicked his sorry *q* A dozen times Now this pervert Majora's here He'll learn this time... (Majora turns to face Loren) Majora (ten.): Sing once again at me, Some dumb-*q*ed song Sure there's some talent there Don't get me wrong But you are both unarmed, and almost dead So sure as I'm Majora I'll whoop you Upside your heads... (Majora raises his glowing hands) Loren: Those who have seen your face Burst out and laugh That stupid mask you wear... (Majora goes into a sulk) Majora: I'll kick your *q* Loren: You try and beat our song More like a whine But you'll have a great soprano tone For good this time (Loren smiles and swings the muzzle of her flute towards Majora and unleashes a volley, which terminates his interest in Loren or anything vaguely female. He issues a scream high enough to box any nearby telephones and falls to the floor) Majora: Medic!!!! (Alex bows again and disappears in a flash of lightning, leaving behind a single rose) (Loren stands over Majora and looks down upon him. Conker walks up beside her.) Conker: What now? Loren: Well no matter what an evil piece of **q* he is, we owe it to him that he doesn't bleed to death. Anyone got some iodine and a needle? (Majora lets out a groan and uses the last of his energy to teleport to safety) Rydia: He'll regenerate. He heals very quickly. Loren: Yeah. Eventually. But he'll certainly have a lot of spare time on his hands in the meantime. Now lets grab that medallion and run before any more security arrive. Conker: Aww. But that's no **q*ing fun. ************ Loren has put Majora out of commission for a while, and Conker has pretty much decimated the tower's security forces. They are now just about to lay hands on the medallion. Majora and Loren appear to have met before. From Author X on 25.07.02, 23:59: "Ha ha, she kicked your-" "SHUT THE **Q* UP!" From Urch on 27.07.02, 16:29: So far, Majora, Dark Link, and t he guards are out oif commision, and all that's left is the medallion. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Link: Okay, gotta keep a cool head. Grabbing the next medallion might mean facing a boss. Loren: You're not that smart, are you? We just took out two big boys, and a horde of guards. Do you expect us to fight AGAIN? Alex: (walks next to her) He might be right, Rpg Rule 39 say ther's always a freak of a boss you gotta face for these medallions. Loren: Alex sweety, shut up before I break your spine. (They walk on and reach the medallion, Link runs up to it andthe moment he touches it, he is sent flying by an unseen force) ??:Fool. This isn't an easy medallion. YOu have to face your greatest fear first. Starting with the squirrel. (A bolt of lighting hits conker and he starts to panic) ConkerROHIBITION??!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! (A thin face appears where the voice came from.) ??:Greetings, I am Amadeus Maverick. I am a gem wizard. I cast magic which makes your fears come true. To you at least. (A wizard of blue appears and zaps Rydia) Rydia:......... AM:Hmm, seems she is too stunned to speak. Oh well, now for the "Hero". (He zaps him and he falls to the ground, in a fetal position.) Link: AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!! Let me out! Let me out!!!! (AM smiles, while Loren looks at him a little mad.) LOren: Claustriphobia?! God I hate you! (AM then shoots Loren, who is unaffected, but fakes it.) Loren: No daddy, no. (After her, he zaps Alex.) Alex: Loren isn't like that, she wouldn't do that... AM:Well, seems that I've done my work. Good bye.(He disappears in a cloud of smoke, and loren gets up to grab the medallion of gouda.) Loren:Ungh! Damnit, I need four more people.....**q**** **q* ***Q* **Q*Q*Q*Q*Q*Q*Q*Q*!!!!!!!!! And I can;'t wave the magic away, what am I gonna do? (She looks at the four with despereation.) -------------------------------------------------- Recap: Loren has to save her friends from their fears, or do they have to do it alone ? From roadman on 28.07.02, 12:54: OOC: ok, my idea can wait, do the fear thing, then I'll do them getting the last medallion. still OOC: here's a recap of the equipment they have(that I can remember anyway) two pieces of a 2X4 a loose nail a 5 iron, with 6 or 7 golf balls the flute/crossbow the 4 repeter crossbows 1 siege-class crossbow (aka. a really big crossbow) X-caliber with unlimeted ammunition 2 out of the 3 medallions a half eaten mazzarala sword 1/2 a 40 oncer of wiskey a paper plate with state legal fund written on it Loren has some cigarettes and a lighter Conker has his guns and I think thats about it, if I've forgotten anything, post it. From Charcoal X on 29.07.02, 12:04: (Majora appears back on the scene. He is wearing his most majestic wizardly robes and a surgical support over his crotch where he was shot) Majora: Mwah ha ha! Mwe he he! Etc. Looks like you're all alone now Loren. (Loren bursts out laughing at Majora's support) Majora: What's so funny? And if you mention my bandaging then I'll have to kill you. Loren: Oh, nothing at all. Majora: It sounds like it. Loren: Honest it's nothing. It's just kind of you to appear when we're in such a bind. Majora: Was that supposed to be funny. Loren: No. Just a statement. Truss me. (Majora growls) Majora: That's it. You die. Loren: You don't have the balls to attack me. And it's not as if I don't already know your plans. You don't have anything to cover up anymore. Majora: You don't know anything!!! (Majora is interrupted by sounds of laughing from behind Loren. Link has stopped curling up in his own fears and is trying to stop himself laughing) Majora: Quit laughing at me and at her abysmal puns! Loren: Look at it this way; you can't win this argument on the sole basis that you've lost your major point. (Conker and Alex catch sight of Majora and join in the laughing, freed from their mental prisons.) (Rydia stands up and walks toward Loren) Majora: You!? But you received his most powerful attack. You should be lost in the tunnels of your own mind. Rydia: I was faking it. But then again you should be used to that, or you would be if you ever got the chance. Conker: Remind me again why this jerk is wearing an oversized diaper. (Majora runs off, trailing a cry of "you'll regret this, you all will!") Loren: Heh. Too easy. Now come and help me shift this medallion. (The crew move over to the medallion and move the shield from around it) Link: At last, the final medallion. And no boss. (He picks up the medallion. There is an ominous rumbling in the background) Rydia: If something seems too easy, it probably is... (The ground opens up in front of them and a huge ancient stone robot appears from the ground) Robot: *BZZT* (Alex mysteriously disappears again leaving behind a single red rose) Rydia: Gee. Great help Tuxedo *q*hole! (Loren slaps Rydia around the head) Rydia: Ow. Loren: I thought you knew the score. Mysterious characters from one of the member's pasts only appear for short parts of the adventure. Conker: **q*. So whadda we do now?! Link: Kick the guardian's giant stone *q* and find a way to the cheese dimension. Rydia: Easier said than done. I've read its stats using Sense. It's practically invincible. (The robot releases a torrent of flame at the party) Rydia (scorched): Oh yeah, and that was its weakest attack. Link: Run!!!!! Rydia: You can't run from boss battles. Link: Faint and wake up at the last save point!!!!! Loren: Shut up Link Link: Run around in circles crying!!!! Loren: It's a sad thing to admit that that's been his most intelligent idea all day. (Rydia fires a bolt of magic at the robot. Nothing happens, except the robot's response in the form of a crushing fist) Rydia: Owch. Loren: Can't you summon something? Or use that materia we have no clue about? Rydia: I'll try. (She pulls out the materia and starts tap-dancing on the spot.) Conker: What the **q*? Loren: RPG rule #59, all summoning spells involve stupid dances. (Rydia waves the orb into the air. It goes 'PING'.) (They wait) (And wait. The 15 foot tall robot stops attacking and starts impatiently tapping its foot, causing the stones to vibrate) Loren: **q*. We're done for. (The pictures on Ganon's monitors roll and tear, the speakers all over the tower crackle up and whine) Ganon (Inside): They interrupted my Sailor Moon show. Waaaah! Twinrova!!! Split into two and get on those broomsticks. I want their heads on plates! (Firerova and Icerova appear at the back of Ganon's room, grab their broomsticks and leave) (Back on the roof, nothing continues to happen. The entire party has got bored and has set up a barbeque picnic on the roof. The giant robot is eating a burger) Rydia: I don't understand it. All materia do something. (The wave from the materia continues to spread out across the land, surging past Hyrule Castle and causing the Operator's headphones to fill with feedback, filling Uncle Barney's TV screen with static and heading onwards, ever onwards) Link: Maybe it's just broken. Rydia: It couldn't be. I felt the magic. (Two shapes on broomsticks fly overhead; one of them launches a ball of Ice at the BBQ) Conker: What the **q*?!?! (Link leafs through his game guide.) Link: **q*! It's Koume and Kotake! (Link points south to the shapes of the twin entities of Icerova and Firerova, [pre-merger forms of Koume and Kotake aka Twinrova, but I can never remember witch is witch] bearing onto the tower with considerable speed on their broomsticks) Loren: I'd recommend the hammer for witches, but we don't have one. We can't do anything at this range though. We'll have to wait. Rydia: It's the waiting that's the worst part. Loren: No, it's the being blown to pieces by magical fire that's the worst part. Or frozen by ice crystals. Or rammed off of the top of a tower. The waiting is quite nice in comparison. Link (unsteadily): I guess... Loren: Now I don't suppose you have a mirror shield on you? Oh, of course not. Having a paper plate is good enough for the hero of Hyrule isn't it? Isn't it??! Rydia: Calm down Loren. (The robot reanimates) Robot: *BZZT* This is Ganon speaking through remote control. Now you will all be crispy fried. (The party looks around, sandwiched between the two witches and the robot) Conker: We're in **q*. Loren: Yeah. I wish someone would come and fight on our side for a change. (Ganon's monitor comes back to life, but instead of the Sailor Moon show it displays only static, with a scratchy East Hylian voice as the audio track) Voice: Targeting beacon detected. We're closing in on three targets, two airborne, one mobile ground unit. (Back on roof) Ganon: I want my show back! (As Icerova and Firerova close in on the peak the clouds above them split, the upper air bursts into life, and through them falls, diving like a swallow, roaring like a hairdryer, a sleek metal dart shaped like a predatory dolphin with a filament of fog extending from its tail) Conker: What the **q* is that? Link: It's the **q*ing Albatross. Falling like lead. Loren: The Albatross was never that fast. Or that sleek. It looks more like a dolphin. Link: Whatever. (The Dolphin [as it has no other name] pulls a tight turn over the mountaintop tower, covering Link and Loren in a smog smelling of cheap lamp oil. It levels out on the trail of Icerova) (The dolphin dives into pursuit of Icerova, hanging close on its tail. The pilot pushes a button internal and a large garden firework detaches from a pylon underwing in a rush of colored smoke. It twists and curves like a copperhead, getting ever closer to the ice-daemon and hits her square in the back of the head. It explodes in a series of bangs and whistles to surprise the young and old, and certainly came as a surprise to the expanding cloud of debris which was once Icerova) (The party makes 'woo' noises and applaud) (The riderless broomstick lodges beside Link and comes to a stop) (Loren and Link look on in awe as the Dolphin weaves back and forth across the path of Firerova, the pillars of fire and cloud upon which they ride intermingling. The dolphin's attack is ceaseless, launching bolts and rockets at Firerova, but the effort is a mostly wasted one, as the scorched but undamaged entity descends from the ball of smoke and lands beside Loren) Firerova: You know what they say about firing blindly into a dust cloud... Loren: Gee Ganon, I sure hope you don't use that robot to cast Ice3 on Icerova here, it'll fully restore her health and she'll be invincible. Robot: *BZZT* Hahaha. Then that's just what I'll do. Firerova: Wait, I'm not... (Her plea is cut off by the blast of ice and she disappears) Robot: *BZZT* Gah! You tricked me. Loren: No **q*! Robot: *BZZT* Now I'll crush... (The Dolphin swings around in a slow arc and launches everything it has at the Robot, before heading homeward bound, trailing smoke) Loren: It's... it's still there!!! (They look upon the unarmored remains of the robot. It appears to be a fat old man wearing a cardboard suit of armor) Man: Um... Hi. I'm not working for Ganon anymore. I've decided to have a great new future in the being somewhere else industry. (He runs off) Link: Well? Now can I get the medallion without breaking any of the sacred rules??? Loren: Sure, go ahead. (He picks it up) Link: That was strangely anticlimactic. Loren: It always is. ************ Link now has the medallion. The function of the materia is now known (It's a radio transmitter/beacon). Firerova and Icerova have been blown to pieces. (It's now just after they've got the last medallion, but before they've gone and done something with it.) From roadman on 30.07.02, 09:34: Link: ok, so we have the three medallions, but we still need to get off this tower, and the mountain for that matter. (Loren looks around at the scattered debris, suddenly she gets an idea of how to get off the mountain) Loren: Huh, I suddenly have an idea for getting off this mountian! Conker: Well, it'll have to wait, we still haven't gotten that thing. Link: What thing? Conker: You know, the thing with the stuff. Rydia: The h*** you talken about? Conker: That crystal ball deally. It has to be around here somewere. (The party searches for several minutes, but doesn't find anything. Link, now bored of all this, goes over to the cardboard remains of the boss. He kicks the cardboard, and two objects are sitting on the floor, a ball of cheese, and a feather. Link picks you the ball of cheese.) (A message window appears) Message Window: You have found the mystical ball of cheese. (The four scaling notes of the item collection song play. Duh, duh, duh, duh) Message Window: This ball allows it's bearer and there friends the ability to keep there shape in the cheese dimension. (Link then picks up the feather. The message window appears again.) MW: You have found Rock's Feather. (The same four notes play again) [OOC: Author's note: if you don't know what I'm talking about, play any Zelda game for about 5 minutes, when you find an item, that's the song I'm talking about] MW: When you have the feather equipped, it allows you to jump. Link: But I could jump before. MW: I SAID, it allows you to jump now! Link: Yeah, but I could jump before now, and I've been doing it this whole adventure. MW: ALRIGHT, LISTEN UP YOU GREEN WEARING FREAK. YOUR GONNA EQUIP THE DAMN FEATHER, AND YOUR GONNA JUMP, AND LIKE IT!!!!!! Link: You can't make me! MW: OH YEAH! Link: YEAH!!! (A bolt of lightning breaks the sky above the tower and hits Link where he stands.) Link: Ouchie. MW: Now I imagine there won't be any more problems from you. (The message window closes.) (Meanwhile, all the party saw was Link go over to the cardboard, get the Ball and the feather, then start to scream at nothing, then a lightning bolt hitting him) Loren: (still in shock) What the **q* just happened. Rydia: I.....don't.....really....know. Loren: Well, let's get off this tower and back to the Castle. (The party begin to implement Loren's plan, they take the broom stick, and attache the cardboard to form a body stable enough to support there weight. During the time, link wakes up and helps them build. 3 hours and a few dozen rolls of duck tape later, they have assembled a makeshift plain. It is pitiful to look at, it looks like it was made by a 3-year old.) Loren: Well, time to get going. Link and Conker: your **q*ing crazy, I'm not getting on that! Loren: Relax, remeber, we can't possibly be killed, it would go against the rules of RPGs. Rydia: Ok, let's get Zelda and finish this. Link: All I hope is that this isn't another **q*ing dream!! _____________________________________________ Link finds the mystical ball of cheese and rock's feather (which he does not need to use). He also learns that the game really doesn't like him, and will probably make life hell for him later. (Hint, Hint)(OOC: someone else can do that, I'm to lazy.) The group make a homemade aircraft (a very unstable one) and will use it to get off the tower. Link really hopes this isn't another dream. (Stupid unoriginal Nintendo) From Cheeseman on 30.07.02, 12:29: All of the party got on the makeshift airplane. Link suddenly remembered midflight that one of his anscestors went on a trip and had an adventure in his dream. He thought, If I can feel pain, this isn't a dream! They were getting near the place they were planning to land, Link's house. Link said, "Hey, guys. I'm gonna test out if I can feel real pain!" "And just what are you planning to do?" Loren asked. "Jump of this plane!" Link jumped a bit and fell down to the ground. He went right through his uncle's house's chimney, which was far to narrow. A loud scream of pain was heard from below. "Maybe we should of casted Featherfall on him?" Rydia said. "Nah," Loren responded. Then she realized. The plane was begining to lose altitude, quickly. "Great. Link getting off made us lose balance." "Now we cast featherfall?" Rydia asked. "Yep," Loren responded. "Too bad there isn't enough MP for us to cast it on Conker too." They all jumped of as their plane fell to the ground, Conker heading down faster than the others. They landed in the front yard of Link's old house. Conker couldn't stop cussing. From Charcoal X on 30.07.02, 15:03: (The party steady themselves on Link's lawn) Link: Hang on! Didn't one of those witches leave a broom behind? Rydia: Yeah, I picked it up back on the roof. But this was way more fun. Conker: So if you had the broom and Loren can fly, why didn't you cast featherfall on me? Loren: Umm... we forgot. Conker: **q* you all! Now where the **q* are we. Link: Near my house, but other than that I don't have a clue where we need to be. (A young woman approaches the party) Woman: Need a hand? Link: Who're you? Wait a minute, I recognize your face. (He pulls out his billfold and looks through his remaining rupees) Link: Princess Zelda?! Zelda: Yes? Link: But, but... you were supposed to be in a safehouse. Zelda: I unlocked it from the inside and went off on my own. Link: But... Zelda: It gets pretty boring being stuck in a stupid house for seven months. Conker: Seven months?! Message Window: When you went through the portal into the cheese dimension there was a slight phase shift. Link (looking upwards): What the **q* is a phase shift? MW: A slip between two parallel waveforms Link: Anyone else know what the **q* this thing is going on about? Rydia: I think when we went into the portal and back into the light world we moved slightly. Link: I know that, we walked a few yards northwards MW: And about seven months forwards Link: !!! We traveled in time? Loren: So what. It's only seven months. Pity we couldn't use it to get about two months before we left though. MW: That is a possibility... Loren: Anyway, that's not my major concern. We need to find Saracheddar so I can shove these medallions right up his *q* Link: I agree with the sentiment, but why? Loren: Because we don't even need to open the **q*ing safehouse anymore!!! Zelda: I think we might have to. I left some equipment in there, but I got locked out. (Loren calms down a little) Loren: I still might pay a little visit to his house. Zelda: That might be difficult. Six months ago Saracheddar revealed himself to be insane evil genius Dr. Albert Weichkaese, and built up his house into a huge fortress. He's working with Ganon, who imprisoned the maidens into magic crystals held by eight powerful Robot Masters designed by Weichkaese himself. Loren: Eight? But I thought there were only seven of them, and that you were one of them. Zelda: Yes, but there always has to be eight robots, and since you guys disappeared with two of the medallions needed to retrieve me they had to settle for... alternative measures. Rydia: Sounds ominous. Zelda: They captured six of them and then hired a couple girls from an 'escort agency' to make the numbers right. Conker: I like this guy's style. But I bet they charge extra for weird stuff like being shoved into giant crystals. I know they used to. Loren: I'm not even asking. Conker: I suggest that we visit this escort agency's head office. Zelda: To find out vital information. Conker: Yeah... vital information. Rydia: I'll let you in, I think I still have my passcard for the employee's entrance. Loren: This just gets better and better. Link: You're like nine years old aren't you?! Rydia: Umm... well I'm actually using a cloaking spell. I'm really 19. I just choose to look like this in my free time. Link: A 19 year old escort and proficient magic user masquerading as an innocent 9 year old. What the **q*!? That's twisted. Rydia: At least I don't pretend to be straight. Conker: Ooh! Cat fight! Cat fight! Link: Yeah! Hey wait a minute... **q* you Conker, I'm not a girl. Rydia: Anyway, I never said I was an escort. I just work in the same building. Zelda: Guys! This isn't helping us to find those crystals... (The party reluctantly stops arguing) Link: Well where the **q* are they? (Zelda pulls out a large leather bound book) Zelda: Well the locations of all eight RMs and crystals are documented here... four are in the light world and four in the cheese dimension. The first one is to the south-east in the middle of Lake Hylia. (Link reaches for his game guide) Link: Wait! Don't we need the fabled Zora flippers from the Zoras' Falls to the north-east? Zelda: Flippers? Well if we need to cross the water then our best bet is the Riverside Boat Hire and Oriental Restaurant. That's in the same area as the Falls and the lake's just downriver. Conker: And also in the same area as the head office... Conker: What? I just happen to know the north-east very well. (Zelda walks off, the rest of the party following behind her) ************ Rydia had stolen one of the leftover broomsticks. The party has encountered Zelda and it is revealed that seven months have passed, giving Ganon and Dr. Weichkaese (Saracheddar) ample time to create the 8 Robot Masters and crystals and hide them over the land. From Cheeseman on 30.07.02, 16:39: Far away, in Weichkaese's lair... Weichkaese:Mwahahahahahaha.... They will never beat my inventions! *Ganon appears from the shadows.* Ganon:Is that so? Who is the first one they are to be up against? Weichkaese:I'll leave it as a suprise. But they will not survive! Ganon:I hope it is stronger than those meeping thingys. Weichkaese:It is. And how is your plan for Dark Link going? Ganon:Perfectly. Since we have practicly world domination right now, we were able to banish all lighter fluids! Weichkaese:Practicly domination? I thought the Cheeseforce granted you every wish. You should have the world now. Ganon:Ahh, but as you know, unable to get Zelda, its powers are limited. If we crystalize her, and the other maiden, we could truely rule! Weichkease:Eight? I thought there were only Seven maidens. Ganon:I have learned of an eighth. Her name is Rydia. *Weichkaese gulps* Weichkaese:Uh... She is with the main party right now. She was the girl who gave me spongebathes. Ganon:Great. Due to you being a pervert, we don't have seven of the maidens. Well, she better be captured. Then I could use the hired escorts for what I originally planned. Weichkaese:You call me a pervert? --------------------------------------------------------------------- It has been revealed that there is actually eight maidens, both traveling with the main party. The Cheeseforce is revealed to be weakened without the real maidens. From Kuryo on 30.07.02, 17:59: OOC: Cheese, they already have eight. From Urch on 30.07.02, 21:52: Link: Lets see, the First Robot Master is in Munster Castle, we get there by ferry and we beat the robot? Zelda: Yep, that's about it. Loren: That seems easy enough. (They reach the lake when they hear a scream.) Link: What the hell was that? Conker: Sounded like a damsel in distress. (They run to see a green haired girl in under the pin of a large freakish crocodile. Lik pulls out his X-Caliber and slashes at his gut.) Link: Hey buddy! Pick on someone your size! (He slashed and before he knew, he was thrown away, and getting back up for anohter round.) Link: That all you got? (the X-Caliber glowed in his hands as his anger rose. He slashed and a bright blade of light dug through the large croc, sending both halves in oppeosite directions.) Loren: Wow. Link: (runs over to the woman that was attacked.) Are you okay miss? (The girl looks up at him, to reveal as a catgirl, with green hair, dark crimson eyes, and a pendant around her neck. She wore a dark green shirt and bell bottoms, not needing shoes. She had a long tail and two odd things on her arms.) ??:Yeah, I'm okay. I could have blasted him away you know. LInk; With what? It looked like he was gonna eat you. (the odd things on her arms turned out to be busters and they blew up a couple trees.) Conker: Holy **q*!Zelda: Ditto. Link: Well, I guess I...(he drools at the blasters. And her.)Rydia: Looks like he's envious. Link: Um..what's your name? ??: I'm Neko, what's yours? LInk: I'm Link. The squirrel's Conker, the kid is Rydia, and the girl is Zelda. Neko: PLease to meet you all. I was trying to get to Munster Castle when that croc jumped me. (Speaking of the croc, it's upper half was now moving again.) Conker: **q*! (Neko blasted the thing into bits.) Link:......(Gears are turning in his head.) Cute girl, plus kickass gun, need help....Wanna join us? We're going there too. Neko: Ok, let's go. ------------------------------------------------ And so, after a chance encounter, they meet Neko, the catgirl with busters, and head for Munster Castle. From Cheeseman on 31.07.02, 13:31: quote: Originally posted by Kuryo OOC: Cheese, they already have eight. OOC:They may have 8, but two of them were just hired help. I don't think those would be that effective. They'd need the real ones. From Andrusi on 29.08.02, 17:48: Then, Link tripped over a rock that said "BUMP!" and hurt his knee. From Cheeseman on 30.08.02, 13:18: "Geez," Zelda said. "Your clumsy. Tripped over a rock." "It was a big rock..." Link muttered. "Geez," Conker said. "We don't need a lovers quarrel here." "We aren't lovers!" Link and Zelda yelled. "And when you consider the fact that since all of our anscestors are related over the repeated marrying of Links and Zeldas," Link continued, " we would be conitinuing a long line of inbreeding." "Yeah," Loren said. "Besides, you all saw how Link was checking out Neko earlier." Neko blushed slightly, and Link yelled, "SHUT UP! NO I WASN'T!" "Let's just continue on..." Zelda muttered. "The ferry isn't to far ahead." They weren't to long to getting to the fairy. It was a simple boat, big enough to carry them all. The ferry keeper muttered, "Where you off to?" "Munster castle on the island in the middle of the lake." Link said. "If you want me to take you there," the ferry keeper muttered, "999 rubies." "Dangit..." Link said. "We barely have any money..." "Well," Loren said. "Time for the old fashioned way." Everyone drew their weapons. "Oh," the ferry keeper muttered. "I've heard of you guys. Robbed the city. I'll take you for free then." Zelda shook her head. "Robbed the city? Some heroes you guys are." They got on the boat to Munster Castle. From roadman on 10.10.02, 18:16: OOC: Come on guys (and girls), we need some new posts, we don't want this thing to die, I'd post something my self, but i don't have the time right now. From Kuryo on 13.10.02, 04:36: OOC: Damn, I thought this thing was gone. Actually, no one probably cares anymore. From El Huesudo II on 14.10.02, 19:54: OOC: I'll get it on. The boat got on the shore around the castle after 3 long hours. Conker: Wheeee... We're [hic] on the cassssstle... [hic] Link: Don't you think we're losing hammerspace on this guy's booze? Conker: Whaddayatawking aboud, manh? Loren: Let's keep goin' shall we? ???: Oh, and by the way... Everyone, except the drunk Conker, turned around. The boat guy was powering up a BIG MOTHER**q*ING BLACK BALL OF DEATH, DESTRUCTION AND LICORICE. Boat guy: You still owe me the 999 rupees, folks. Conker finally turned around, and vomited all over the boat guy. He accidentally moved his hands to his new overall, and the ball fell on him. Boat guy, being desintegrated: YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS MOTHER**q*ERS! Everyone, except Conker that passed out, facefaulted. Some time later, they arrived into the Munster Castle. It was really big! It had 2 stairways on the sides and one in the center. However, the side ones looked great, and the middle one was filled of green slimes. Loren: We should take one of the side ones. Loren tried to walk left, but she slammed onto an invisible wall. Loren: What in the **q*? Suddenly, Dr. Weichkaese's face appeared. Dr. Weichkaese: You fools! You can't go anywhere but to the front! For this is a SIDESCROLLER! Zelda, Loren, Conker and Rydia shocked. The 4 before mentioned: A SIDESCROLLER?! Link: I don't quite get it. If it's a sidescroller, why can't we go sideways? Loren: Shut up, Link. Dr. Weichkaese: Yes! Now you'll have to pass through great perils and can't dodge them! And there are sure lots! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Link and company found out they're on a big, fat trap and they can't go sideways! What will they do now? Stay tuned for the next episode. From Sinn on 27.10.02, 10:34: Zelda: Rydia, are there any rules in RPG that refer to side scrollers? Rydia: Ummm...nope. Not that I recall. Link: I still don't see why we can't go sideways if this is a side scroller... Loren: Look imbecile, if that were true, you'd have to be walking sideways the entire time! Do you really want to do that? Link: Erm...maybe? Loren facepalms. Loren: Come on, you've done this before already. Don't you remember Zelda II? Zelda: My great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmother? Conker: No, the second Zelda game released on the NES. Link: That wasn't me, that was my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather. Besides, I hated that game. My sword barely shot jack when my life was full and it was way too short. Conker: So let me get this straight...you couldn't jack because it was too short? Link: Exactly. Loren facepalms again. Zelda: I thought you said that it wasn't you though...? Link: It wasn't. Rydia: But then why did you- Link: Shut up Rydia. Zelda: But you'd still do it in the basements of the original game and all the Game Boy ones, right? Link: I have no idea what you mean. Neko: You strange people confuse me... Zelda: Neko, do you know anything about this whole side scrolling thing? Neko: Uh, yeah. I've been doing it practically for my entire life. You just walk forward until you can't walk forward anymore, kill stuff on the way, then you either climb up some kind of ladder or fall down a hole to keep going. Rinse...repeat. Link: But what about those pseudo-3D games where you move forward and back, but the camera pans and you DO move in more than one direction? Neko: Mmmmmm...nope. Never done anything like that. Besides, it still sounds like it'd be a linear path. Dr. Weichkaese's face appears on the holo-monitor again. Dr. Weichkaese: Are you people going to get going or what!? For the love of God, it's a SIDE SCROLLER! It's not that hard! For cryin' out loud... Dr. Weichkaese's face vanishes once more. Loren: Well, he does have a point. Link: But...it's STUPID! Rydia: Mamma always said, stupid is as stupid does. Besides, the middle stairway isn't so bad... Zelda: Your mother used to tell you that the middle stairway isn't so bad? Rydia: Yeah. She used to say a lot of weird things though... Loren: Well come on, let's get this show on the road. Conker: WEEHEE! Loren: And Conker can go first to test the slime. Conker: WEEHE-huh? **q* no! I'm not- Neko fires a blast into Conker's face, sending him flying face first into the slime. Conker: AHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! **Q*, IT BURNS! IT BURNS! OH, WHAT A WORLD!!! Zelda calmly walks up to the slime and puts her finger in it. She tastes it. Zelda: Hmm...Lime Jell-O. Link: How pleasant. Conker: AHHHHHHHH...Wha? Hey, this stuff isn't half bad! The rest of the group walks forward toward the harmless Jell-O filled staircase. Neko: Maybe I better take the front guys, I've got a little more experience with this kind of thing. Loren: Hmmm, a green catgirl with guns for hands leading us...I don't think so! Neko (shrugging): Ok, fine. I just thought- Loren: Yeah, well no one's going to lead anyone else here, right guys? We're a team, right? Rydia: Actually, according to RPG rule 3456.2.6, every hero party inevitably has one leader, usually followed by an equally important, yet undisputedly "non-leader" character. The "Main Character" and most often "Main Character's Love Interest". Loren: Oh really...and who would that be here, Link? Rydia: Actually... (pulls out a "Her-O-Matic Detector"(c))...the readings are pointing more to you than they are to Link. Though he's a close second. Loren: Oh really...how strange...well, let's go. Link: Wait a sec, I see what you're trying to do here! The group is silent as Link looks accusingly at Loren. Loren: ...what? Link (smiling): You're trying to skip over the fact that the readings say I'm your love interest. After a few moments of contemplation, Loren vomits. Loren: Ugh, don't EVER say something stupid like that again! I was talking about my plan to usurp you as the main character of this story and become famous, not...ugh, I feel like vomiting again! Zelda: Oh...and I just thought you didn't like the way Neko looked. Neko: ! Conker & Link: We like the way she looks... Neko: !! Rydia: Besides, RPG Rules state that there will always be someone green, a catgirl, and a person with guns for arms. We just got lucky and found a combination. Loren: Yeah...lucky us... Dr. Weichkaese's face appears again. Dr. Weichkaese: Didn't I already tell you to- Neko fires a charged shot at the holo-monitor, thus destroying it. Neko: Can we please go? My blinking animation is really starting to get old... _-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_- After wasting some time talking about the nature of side scrollers, Loren and co...I mean Link and co. (silly me, how'd I let that slip?) discover that the stairs are covered in lime Jell-O. Perfectly safe. I think...anyway, other than that, nothing much really got done, though they're finally on their way up the stairs. From Kuryo on 27.10.02, 15:38: OOC: >_> I don't remember there being a catgirl with gunarms and Zelda with them... Once this gets a little bit more creationatively inspiring I'll start up again.