After the first round of Chemo she was in remission, the tumor shrank 50 percent and all the lessions on the right lung were gone, we celebrated, we prayed, we were never so happy and relieved. Then she was forced to go back to work or they would take her position and her life insurance and her health insurance, she was told she would loose everything if she didn't go back to work.
Mom went into a panic, she had no other choice in her heart she had to protect everything she worked for all her life, she had to protect her husband, her children, herself.
She went back to work, They threw her a huge welcome back party and she was beaming with pride.
Then the trouble at work started, they would shut the air conditioning off on her, they would wear heavy perfumes and she couldn't breathe, she would come home gasping for air. Two days after going back to work she came home extremely upset, she fell on the concrete walkway. On her left side no less.
She called me and told me she had a black eye and her ribs were bruised, I went nuts and asked her to go to the ER to go get checked. She did however they never did a cat-scan on the lung with the cancer, just X-Rays.
Due to that fall her cancer tumor in her Left Lung broke open and within two weeks her left lung collapsed and she was back in the hospital.
Never once did my mother show fear, she would hold her head up and she would say I am not afraid Kathleen, I will beat this Cancer. Then she started Chemo again. Not before having a person at the hospital overdose her on her oxycotin.
My brother Joe and I had to just about carry her from the hospital to the Cancer Center that day and for a full week my mother fought off the effects of the overdose. My father held her head over the toilet as she would throw up her guts, Not once did she falter in her strength and hope, NOT ONCE.
Once when she was taking her breathing treatment she called out to me and asked me to sit down. By this time I knew it wouldn't be long, her weight was dropping fast, her strength was failing her. I sat with her and she said to me, " I love you Kate, my poor Katie, I am so very sorry for getting sick, please forgive me for getting sick." I put my head down and took a deep breath and told her "I Love You too Mommy, Please don't stop fighting, please don't leave me, I need you, I will die without you. It is not your fault you got sick, I love you so much and I swear to you that I will always take care of you, always." I got up and hugged her and she kept kissing me all over my face.
Soon she started giving things away, she gave me her necklace that my father had given to her to show his love and devotion to her, she gave me her watch, and her jewelry, and tried for 3 week to give me her wedding rings. I told her " Mommy, if daddy doesn't see those rings on your finger when he gets home it will kill him, please for me don't take them off, please, I beg you." She started to cry and said they are yours take them and I couldn't do it.
The whole time this woman was sick she never once complained, never once lost hope, never once showed fear however I knew because I saw the fear in her eyes and felt it with her.
Once in the ER after looking at her X-Ray of her lungs, I gasped because the whole left lung was gone and the right lung had huge white marks all over it, I knew she was dying then. I turned to her with a forced smile and she was so far from being stupid and said to me, " That bad huh Kate? " And she folded her hands together, looked down at her lap, looked back up at me and said words that I can never ever begin to forget, "I guess I don't have very long, I have things I need to get done, get me out of here so I can get things done, Please?"
I walked over to her and sat on her bed, laying my head on her shoulder and wrapping my arms around her telling her how much I love her, and I asked if she was scared and these words are forever etched into my soul. " I am not scared for me myself Kate, I am scared for your father, I love him so very much, I am scared for your brothers Joe and Pat, and scared for you, I don't want to leave you, I love you guys so much, I don't want to leave anyone, that is what I am scared of, Not this Cancer."
I said to her that I loved her so much and I kissed her and she said "No Kate, I love you more" So This page and all the other to follow are because Mommy, I love you more...............
She fought this cancer with everything she had and it won because on September 9, 2002 at 9:01am she was prounounced dead and my life has forever changed and will never be the same. Nothing will ever be the same, I am nothing without her.
There is no family without her, everything has gone so wrong, everything shattered the day the sun stopped shining that September morning my mother died.
This song reminds me of how she was, so so very brave, she never once gave up and right to the end she fought however she just got tired and her body was not as strong as her spirit and God took her from us.
My saddened heart still cries.
But I know you are now at peace,
Resting in God's Heavenly skies.
The pain you had was left behind,
Once you entered Heaven's door.
Held in the arms of God Almighty,
You will never feel pain anymore.
Your beautiful soul now flies freely,
Reaching down from Heaven to mine.
Always to keep you so close to me;
Bonded through the passage of time.
Your loving heart is remembered;
It holds a special place in my heart.
And I will always keep it held within,
Through every day that we are apart.
It still hurts so much to think of you,
Because I'm missing having you here.
Yet I know that in the Heavenly skies,
God's gift to me, is to keep you near.
Author Unknown
May I go now?
Do you think the time is right?
May I say good-bye to pain filled days
and endless lonely nights?
I've lived my life and done my best,
an example tried to be.
So can I take that step beyond
and set my spirit free?
I didn't want to go at first,
I fought with all my might.
But something seems to draw me now
to a warm and loving light.
I want to go, I really do,
It's difficult to stay.
But I will try as best I can
to live just one more day.
To give you time to care for me
and share your loves and fears,
I know you're sad and afraid,
because I see your tears.
I'll not be far, I promise that,
and hope you'll always know
that my spirit will be close to you,
wherever you may go.
Thank you for loving me,
you know I love you too,
that's why it's hard to say good-bye
and end this life with you.
So hold me now, just one more time
and let me hear you say,
because you care so much for me,
you'll let me go today.
Written & copyrighted by Susan A. Jackson
Without your support and love my mother's emotional state would have gone before her body and I can't thank you enough. To my Mothers two special Angels I can't even begin to thank you for all the love you gave my mother, mere words are never going to be enough.....
If you know someone who is going through Chemo Treatments please give them the below link because they will forever be grateful for the gift you gave them of the love and support of ChemoAngels.
