We started to get concerned when the corn stalk in the back of the yard started growing another corn stalk out of it. It’s my understanding that corn grows straight up, and does not normally grow limbs. But that was what this corn stalk was doing.
The next odd occurrence involved our dog attacking the corn. She effectively knocked over one of the stalks. My dog’s pretty good at analyzing threats. She barked at a life-sized Darth Vader cardboard display, so obviously she knows to beware the dark side of the force. She also recognized the threat of half deflated birthday balloons. She woke me up in the middle of the night to save me from that danger. She will bark at girl scouts. I don’t think I need to tell you about the horrors of girl scouts… and what they put in those cookies…
Back to my point, the dog recognized the corn as a threat. Now we were stumped as to why. Aliens wouldn’t use our corn. There’s only one row of stalks, so crop circles were out of the question. What was so unusual about our corn?
We learned the answer after ants attacked our corn. We had to scrap all of the corn stalks and save what we could. We managed to save three corn cobs. The rest were lost.
When we opened the survivors, we were shocked to discover Mutant Corn! Never before had we seen such peculiar, deformed corn. Perhaps it exists as a statistical anomaly, but all of our recovered corn was mutated. We can only speculate on what caused these strange mutations…
The first cob was tiny, only measuring 3 5/8 inches. It’s the “baby” of the mutant corn group. Oddly enough, it resembles a hand grenade. Is this some new agricultural weapon? I’ve heard of chemical warfare, but never agricultural warfare. Just think of it! You could grow yourself a field of weapons! I wonder what the Russians would pay for this corn…
The next corn we recovered was fairly long, measuring in at 8 ¼ inches. Almost long enough to convince you to buy it, if you stumbled across it at the supermarket. But this corn was nearly bald of kernels. It only had a small strip of fully developed kernels in its midsection.
Now, why would this occur? The first corn was short, but it had most of its kernels fully developed. I can only guess that this was some batched experiment to produce kernelless corn. Why would anyone want to do such a thing? I don’t know. Ask the people with hairless pets. Perhaps there are people allergic to corn kernels that still desire to have corn.
For a bit of trivia, do you know how many kernels the average ear of corn has?
An ear of corn averages 800 kernels in 16 rows, according to the National Corn Grower’s Association
The long corn has only about 100 kernels. I just knew you wanted to know all of that! (See bottom of page to harass me, I know you’ll want to after I’m done with this thing.)
The next ear of corn was perhaps the most surprising. The corn has a little ear of corn growing off the side of it. We’ve come up with two theories for this. Either the corn grew an evil head (or, evil ear, since this is corn we’re talking about) or “it’s a boy!” Take your pick.
The masculine corn itself measures 8 inches, and its extra unit measures 2 ¼ inches. The extra ear is a little over 25% of the size of the original corn. Not too shabby.
So how did this Siamese corn come to be? Well, this one happened to be the ear of corn between the split branch and the normal stalk of the back corn stalk. The stalk itself had grown an extra limb, and so did the ear of corn.
Sadly, I’m running out of things to say about the corn. And I have more pictures of the corn and its member…
So until I think of new corn jokes, or until some friends suggest some dirty ones, farewell. Be happy I got this far without making a “corny” joke.
Enjoy the remaining corn pictures.
We wanted to grow some corn. Simple as that. But little did we know that our innocent looking corn stocks would yield… MUTANT CORN!!!
Perhaps we should have known something was wrong from the beginning. The stalks of corn grew in an odd way. The ones in back were taller than the ones in front. They were lined up by height. Now, at first we thought this was due to water. Perhaps the ones in back had more access to water, and therefore grew taller. We didn’t suspect anything more sinister than that.
No corn was hurt during the making of Mutant Corn. This has been a “Deprived of Sleep” production. Brought to you by, “I Have No Life” and associates.
Harass me at immortalmint@hotmail.com. You know you want to.