| Women & Self-Esteem |
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| By: Darla Walker Self-esteem is a human condition. Although a topic of so much discussion and material, many continue to struggle with this area of our lives. Here's how you can develop a well-balanced sense of self-esteem. There's a revolution going on. "It's a revolution within", so says author Gloria Steinem. In fact, that is the title of her bestseller, Revolution From Within, a book about self-esteem. In her preface she writes "The more I talked to men as well as women, the more it seemed that inner feelings of incompleteness, emptiness, self-doubt and self-hatred were the same, no matter who experienced them, and even if they were expressed in culturally opposite ways. As I have visited and worked in various parts of the world, I've found the same thing to be true. The area of self-esteem is increasingly being explored and many solutions are found wanting. Even though this subject elicits interest and results in an abundance of discussion and material, many of us continue to struggle with this area of our lives. I have heard it said "There are five billion people in the world. There are five billion people who struggle with self-esteem." It is a human condition. Let's examine what self-esteem is and look at various ways we attempt to gain it. WHAT IS SELF-ESTEEM? It is possible to have proper self-esteem as we are rightly related to our creator, God. We were created with these deep needs for personal security and significance and God designed a way to meet those needs when we are rightly related to Him. HOW DO WE OBTAIN PROPER SELF-ESTEEM? Taking an honest look at yourself is often the best way to evaluate where you are and where you want to go. HOW DO WE MAINTAIN A WELL-BASED SENSE OF SELF-ESTEEM? We need a way of handling the little day-to-day setbacks in our sense of security and significance. It all starts with our thinking. We have to retrain ourselves to think of what is true about me. WHAT IS SELF ESTEEM? The most basic need all of us have is to have a sense of personal worth. This sense of personal worth has two elements: security and significance. Security means being loved and accepted just for who I am, regardless of what I do. This is what Gloria Steinem calls "core" self-esteem, and psychologists refer to as "global" self-esteem, being loved and accepted. Significance means having meaning or purpose in my life, being adequate for what I do. Ms. Steinem refers to this as situational self-esteem. It's knowing that we are good at what we do. The problem is that we develop a series of false assumptions of what we think will meet our needs for security and significance. We usually learn these assumptions in childhood. If we don't experience unconditional love and acceptance as a child, we will experience pressure to have those needs met elsewhere. And if we aren't given a sense of competency and significance in childhood, we will also experience pressure to meet that need elsewhere. The proper formation of security in childhood--this "intrinsical value"--can be affected by many things, and abuse at many levels is a growing problem. Living with constant ridicule, contempt and negativity can affect a child's security into adulthood. Perhaps you've overheard a parent criticizing a child. It's not just the words that are used, but also the tone of voice that can deeply affect the child. A child hearing this continually internalizes the words and tone, and they can become part of her view of herself. The tape in her mind plays the messages back as significant information learned from her parents. Some parents put enormous pressure on their children to perform. Children in these situations often grow up to be overachievers with the voice of their parents' disapproval ringing in their ears. The child within is now inhabiting an adult body. What assumptions, as adult women in the '90s, do we hold on to? As I mentioned, these basic assumptions are often begun as a child and are heavily influenced by our peer group. We can all develop wrong and false assumptions about how to have our needs met. The reason they are called false assumptions is because they do not give us unconditional love, acceptance, and firm significance in life. They give us a temporary sense of self-esteem. Are any of the following false assumptions operating in your belief system? I will be secure if: + I am in a loving relationship + I am never criticized + I am not rejected as a person HOW ABOUT YOUR NEED FOR SIGNIFICANCE? I will be significant if: + I excel at school + I excel when my projects are promoted + When I have financial success + When I am granted recognition by my peer group Now, we as women all want to have these needs met and we will expend considerable energy to meet them. When we pour our energy into meeting our needs through pursuing false assumptions of what will meet those needs, we can be devastated when those assumptions don't lead to lasting security and significance. What will happen is that we will feel pressed to pour energy in other directions based on another false assumption of what will meet our needs for security and significance. By the time I'd reached my teenage years I was aware of deep feelings of insecurity and insignificance. I remember clearly believing the false assumption that if I was a likeable person, I'd have meaningful personal relationships and I'd feel secure. I remember working on my personality, altering what I said and did to please certain people. Of course the problem with this approach is you have to keep changing your approach to suit different people. During these years, as I was pursuing a degree to teach, I was financing part of my university expenses by teaching and performing classical dance in Toronto, Ontario. In my amateur years I'd won many competitions. Later I begun to teach out of province, as well as at the University of Toronto. Teaching and especially performing was very exciting and gratifying for me. I experienced strong feelings of significance by winning auditions, being involved in shows, and receiving praise and admiration when my work was well done. The pay cheques were nice too. I had found something I loved doing. I apparently had talent and drive to do, and something that gave me rewards of significance and financial independence. The significance, however, was not lasting. I remember thinking about it during moments alone, after a successful show, after the reviews, and the cast parties. I was left with an emptiness, wondering "is this all there is to life? Why am I not more fulfilled?" There was a definite vacuum in my life that I couldn't put my finger on. What I have learned is this: seeking permanent security from imperfect people doesn't work. We're too concerned for our own needs of security to be truly selfless in helping another. And what I think will give me security is not always what the other person can give me. Seeking permanent significance from our accomplishments doesn't have any lasting value, and we're left trying to accomplish more. Click here to continue reading article |
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